Two Halves
by Dark Kuno
Summary: The continuing AU story of our favorite cartoon family, and their sarcastic leading lady. With one interesting addition... Reviews, especially honest criticism, welcome and appreciated
1. Latest Chapter Progress

01/01/2013

* * *

Sincere apologies to everyone for the extended lack of updates. I've been struggling with major writer's block and haven't been able to write _**anything**_ at all (including new content for Two Halves).

The ideas just wont form into anything coherent enough to even become rough drafts. And unfortunately this block is preventing me from connecting the 80% completed portions of Chapter 7 into anything I'd be willing to publish.

Trying a few new things to get the creative juices flowing so hopefully there should be more Two Halves in 2013.

* * *

**PROGRESS INDICATOR**

Chapter 7

**Just Started** **[*****:***]**.***:***][***:***[*-:...**]** Done (Current Word Count: ~17.5k)


	2. Esteemed Colleagues

This is my first foray into fan fiction

I eagerly look forward to reviews and any feedback (hopefully more positive than negative) in hopes of improving the story.

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Esteemed Colleagues**

The blue Lexus traveled at a leisurely pace down the quiet suburban street. The car's interior was filled with a strong guitar-heavy rock song that played on the radio.

"Kids," said the middle-aged man sitting behind the wheel of the car, "I just want you to know that your mother and I realize that it's not easy moving to a whole new town."

Its square jawed driver turned his head slightly towards his eldest daughter in the passenger side back seat as the car came to a stop at a red light.

"Especially for you, right Daria," stated the driver.

Jake Morgendorffer watched the light from his peripheral vision as he looked at his 16-year-old daughter sitting stoically in the rear passenger side seat. She wore what he knew to be her standard issue garb. Simple black pleated skirt, with a nondescript green long-sleeved green jacket over a mustard top that was little more than a downward facing triangle in the V created by the half zipped jacked.

_'And thus it begins,' _Daria thought to herself as she adjusted her plain round framed glasses.

Never one to let the opportunity to make a witty and/or sarcastic remark pass,

"Did we move?" asked Daria, in her typical flat semi-monotone voice, with only a slight eye shift glance at her father.

Seeing the light turn green, Jake returned his primary focus to the road ahead. He gave a short semi-forced chuckle before glancing towards the front passenger seat holding his 15-year old and decidedly perkier daughter Quinn.

"I'm just saying that you don't make friends as easily as, umm, some people," continued Jake.

_'Is it too much to ask for a simple quiet ride to school,' _Quinn mentally inquired as she gazed out of the car's window.

She reached to the Lexus' center console and turned the volume up on the radio, hoping to get her father and sister to let the last few minutes of the drive to school go without the usual banter-battles that seem to punctuate every family interaction.

"Quinn, for instance?" said Daria shifting her eyes to the redhead occupying the passenger seat of the car.

A small sigh escaped her lips as her auburn hair bounced across the jackets' wide lapel when the Lexus hit a small pothole.

"That's not what I meant..." Jake responded, pausing to turn off the radio, "necessarily."

With a small sigh of his own he continued, "The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult. "

"I'll just be glad to be at a school where I don't have to salute someone every time I move 10 feet," interjected the 4th occupant of the vehicle.

Quinn turned to face the auburn haired boy sitting behind her father. He wore (what was also well known in their family as his standard manner of dress) a pair of basic black jeans with a black leather belt bearing a silver-tone buckle. Beneath a well-worn green camouflage army jacket, a simple unadorned black t-shirt (which was currently being used to wipe his horn-rimmed glasses clean) covered his torso. Alexander Morgendorffer rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked up at his younger sister. His foot, covered with a pair of black army boots, still tapped idly to the song playing on the radio.

"I still never understood why Mom and Dad possibly thought sending Alex to military school was a good idea," said Quinn.

Jake winced visibly at Quinn's remark and made a nervous adjustment of his red tie.

"Yeah you'd think one raving, shell-shocked Morgendorffer male was enough for our happy home," remarked Daria in her usual flat tone as she cut her eyes towards her twin brother and smirked.

Alex slid the glasses back onto his face and ran a hand through his shoulder length hair. His hair was parted in the middle and hung over his face like a pair of auburn drapes, slightly obscuring his features.

_'I'm never cutting my hair again,' _he confirmed mentally. He was pleased at the impressive recovery of his hair's length over the summer after a 3-year stint of buzz cuts courtesy of Buxton Ridge Military Academy.

"I think the current PC term is 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder'," responded Alex in a smooth baritone. He turned to look towards Daria giving a smirk that mirrored her own and continued, "Although I think it was mostly for Mom and Dad's remaining sanity. Not having to deal with the combined power of their eldest kids' bubbling personalities."

"Oh yeah that's us, just percolating with personality," said Daria. "Bubble ... bubble."

"That explains the tiny glass dome," said Alex as he extended an arm and poked the top of Daria's head with his index finger.

"Ewwwwww!!" exclaimed Quinn as she quickly turned back around in her seat to face the road.

"Although it seriously will be good to not have to salute any more," said Alex with a sigh.

Daria's small smile vanished with the hint of sadness she detected in her brother's comment. A quick glace to her father and sister in the front of the car told her that she'd been the only one to detect it.

"Lousy stinking officers with their prim and proper uniforms going out of their way to make sure they walk past you all the time. Stand at attention! Salute! Stand at attention! Salute, over and over again. And you just have to jump..." exclaimed Jake, beginning one of his legendary rants.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Daria commented as her patented smirk-smile returned. She glanced left to her brother, "Jake has left the building."

"Thankya, thankya verymuch" responded Alex in his best rendition of Elvis as he reciprocated with his own smirk-smile to Daria.

"Daa-aad!" whined Quinn as she looked at her father hunched over the steering wheel of the Lexus. Jake's knuckles had begun to turn white from how hard he was gripping the wheel. "You promised you wouldn't get all freaked out."

Quinn reached over and turned up the volume of the radio, filling the car with a loud rock guitar chorus. Shaking his head slightly, Jake visibly calmed down.

"Oh, where was I," he asked as he reached to turn the radio off radio.

Seeing the turn-in for the front driveway of Lawndale High School, Jake pulled to a stop in front of the main curb and turned so that he could see all three of his children.

"Oh yeah, don't get upset if the other kids take a little while to warm up to you," Jake said with heartfelt concern in his voice and on his face.

Quinn practically jumped out of the car and was immediately noticed by a brunette with immaculately combed hair falling to her shoulders wearing a fashionable supendered shorts ensemble.

_'Cute, perky.' _Thought the brown-haired girl taking a quick assessment of the redhead stepping out of the unfamiliar Blue Lexus. Sandi Griffin, President of the Lawndale High Fashion club, glanced at the newcomer's clothing. Taking note of the brand label hip hugging jeans with their properly accessorized belt, and baby T showing just enough mid-drift to be appealing without venturing into sluttish.

_'She has an obvious sense of fashion and what works for her. We definitely need to recruit this one before someone else does.' _thought Lawndale's reigning the fashion aficionado.

Adjusting her normal condescending scowl to an only slightly condescending scowl, Sandi walked over to officially greet the fashionable addition to Lawndale.

Just behind Sandi, the similarly well dressed and groomed Tiffany Blum-Deckler finished applying a quick touching up of blush to her cheeks from a small compact and smoothed down a wrinkle in the well fitted knee length yellow sun dress she wore that seemed to enhance the pale but almost imperceptibly shaded complexion of the Asian girl.

Stacy Rowe practically bounced, with her two small brown ponytails doing just that, as she joined Tiffany and Sandi. A wide smile graced her oval face and as she walked with her hands on the backs of her hips just below a chic designer label backpack.

"Hello," Sandi stated to Quinn in her deliberate, stern manner.

"You look cool, I love that top," piped Stacy regarding the pink baby T emblazoned with a classic yellow smiley face that Quinn wore. Stacy quickly shrank back from a sidelong glare Sandi pointed at her.

Quinn gave Sandi an evaluating look. She quickly noticed the two girls standing subtly behind but near the brown haired girl as well as the way some of the other gathered students responded. Quinn knew how to recognize a player in the school hierarchy when she saw one.

_'Hmm must be one of the popular kids, better make a good impression until I can get a better grasp on how things work at this school,' _thought Quinn.

"Quinn Morgendorffer," she stated in a simple and perky voice with a slight smile.

"Cool name," said Sandi.

"Will you go out with me?" interjected a mid height red headed boy with short cropped hair. He also shrank back into the general crowd around the school entrance when receiving an even colder stare from Sandi.

"Until you have a grasp of how things work at Lawndale," Sandi remarked as she turned her attention fully again on Quinn, "I think you should stick with us."

"I'm Sandi Griffin, President of the Lawndale Fashion Club," continued the girl with a flip of her hair.

"This is Tiffany, our Treasurer," said Sandi indicating the Asian girl.

"I love those flared pants," Tiffany said in an overly slow and subdued voice.

"And this is Stacy, club Record Keeper," Sandi said as she indicated the cheery girl.

"You have to tell me where you get your belts, I love the little shells. They remind me of the beach. Have you ever been to the beach?" rambled Stacy enthusiastically before she again shrank under the stern glare of Sandi.

_'I think I'm going to like it here,' _Quinn thought with a satisfied smile as she and the other girls began heading towards the entrance of Lawndale High School.

Daria and Alex simply looked at each other and shook their heads from their seats in their father's Lexus, having observed the entire verbal exchange between their sister and the Fashion Club.

"I'm sure Quinn will overcome her bashful nature," remarked the boy as he exited the Lexus and walked around the car.

"We'll try to help her through this difficult period of adjustment," Daria stated flatly as she climbed out of the car and closed the door.

"See ya Dad," from his eldest daughter

"Alex," Jake called.

Alex and Daria both turned back towards their father's car. Alex motioned for Daria to wait up as he walked back to the car. Reaching the vehicle, he leaned down to look at his father through the open passenger side door.

"Be careful son, I know you didn't like military school..." Jake said, looking directly into his son's face. His voice trailed off with honest concern and a touch of regret.

"It's no big deal Dad. I'm gonna be late. Gotta run," responded Alex noncommittally as he shut the car door and turned to join Daria who stood just beyond the dispersing crowd around Quinn and her new-found friends.

Arms crossed with an open scowl on her face, Daria regarded her brother and asked, "What was that all about?"

"Just Dad making some sad effort at male bonding," Alex lied as he adjusted his backpack to a more comfortable position. "You know hunter, gatherer stuff."

Daria's scowl visibly softening into a concerned sad frown and she reached out to touch Alex's shoulder.

"Lex," she said looking him in the eyes. He returned her gaze knowing that, as usual, he could almost never successfully lie to or hide anything from her. Alex smiled at Daria as he put his arm around his sister for a quick side hug.

As they both walked through the front doors of Lawndale High for the first time, he turned to his sister and said "Sorry Dia."

* * *

Inside the large school auditorium, students began to fill seats. A tall athletic young woman brushed the cheek length bangs of her black hair out of her eyes, letting them rest behind an ear with three silver rings in it. She briefly surveyed the collected populace of Lawndale High.

_'Let's survey the crop this year,' _thought Jane Lane to herself as her blue eyes scanned over the students present while making a false show of tying the laces of her black Doc Marten boots.

To the casual observer, the auditorium simply appeared to be randomly filled with students. Jane, like most other returning students understood that the room was subtly segregated into groups representing the social hierarchy of the school.

_'Fashion Club, hmmm looks like they've already snagged fresh meat,' _Jane thought noticing Quinn talking to Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy.

She stood and adjusted her crimson jacket then proceeded to make her way down the aisles of the auditorium. She walked past several rows of teens in yellow and blue-skirted uniforms and mixed jean/yellow and blue jersey combinations. _'Cheerleaders and the pride of Lawndale,' _she added mentally.

Jane moved down beyond other collective groups with only a slight glance.

_'There's Andrea, so those must be the new Goths,' _she thought giving a small wave to the heavyset Asian girl dressed in a purple shirt and ragged hemmed black dress. Andrea flipped a fishnet gloved hand almost nonchalantly towards Jane without even turning away from what Jane figured was a young freshman girl she didn't recognize who bore dark purple pony tails on either side of her head and too large eyes rimmed thickly with mascara leading into a spiral at the corner of her eyes above the cheeks.

Jane moved quickly past the section containing the Drama Club, the School Band, Flag Squad and the Pep Squad. The punks sat what she felt had always been uncomfortably close to the computer and chess club. The later two groups she knew shared more than a few members.

Never really fitting into any of the Lawndale cliques and being too free-spirited to join any of the various clubs and school organizations, Jane walked casually towards her usual spot in the non-affiliated section at the right front side of the auditorium known to the student body as 'Outcast row'. The section was sprinkled with assortment of students that, for whatever reason, didn't fit in with the other cliques, social groups or school organizations and who weren't popular enough to merit attention of the other cliques.

Jane plopped down in a seat in the center of the sparsely populated Outcast Row that held no other students within four seats in all directions. She put an ankle-booted foot over the back of the chair in front of her. As she reached down to adjust her dark shorts and straighten the black leggings that reached mid-calf, she felt something hit her booted heel.

"Ouch," grumped a masculine voice.

A head draped in long straight auburn hair that obscured its owner's the face shortly followed the voice. The young man sat up rubbing the back of his head with one hand and held a pair of plain round framed glasses with the other.

"Watch it," said the boy as he turned to see what hit him in the head.

Jane noticed him look from the boot that she still hung over the back of the seat he occupied and up her extended leg. Realizing her positioning was even less ladylike than usual given his proximity and particular vantage point, Jane quickly withdrew her foot from the seat back. She got a quick glimpse of his face before his hair cascaded back into an obscuring curtain. She scooted to the edge of her chair to get a better view at the seats in front and slightly below her.

"Watch it yourself," Jane retorted with a smile at the new, although somewhat hidden face before her. "I just got these boots and I hadn't planned on covering them with gray matter just yet."

She noticed a pair of glasses resting over the one eye she could see through the curtain of hair that seemed to have been purposefully combed over the boy's face.

_'Two pairs of glasses?' _Jane asked herself, raised eyebrow that revealed her minor confusion.

"I'd worry more about getting boot leather all over his abnormally thick skull," intoned a flat but obviously feminine voice from the vicinity of the next seat.

Jane looked to the seat left of the boy to see a green jacketed back straightening as its occupant regained an upright sitting position. Jane looked over the girl as best she could from her perspective.

"Here you go Dia," said the young man said sweetly as he reached over and gently put the now badly squinting girl's hands on the handles of the glasses he held, careful to avoid either of them smudging the lenses.

"Thanks Lex," replied the girl with a similar sweetness, different from the initial semi-monotone voice she heard earlier. Jane noticed the girl give a quick small smile to the boy as she placed the glasses on her face.

_'She's pretty,' _Jane thought as she watched the two interact in front of her.

"Be careful with those or we'll have to get you a cane and seeing-eye dog," the boy said to his female companion.

"Well that would give you a way to be productive. Although we'd still need to work on house training you," the girl replied sarcastically with an eye roll.

_'Well they sure are friendly. Probably one of those uptight ultra sensitive and ultra jealous chicks and her anarchist/poser punk boyfriend,' _Jane observed, not able to see the close resemblance of the pair due to a combination of her vantage point and the boy's face obscuring hair.

* * *

The sound of a throat clearing over the speakers cut further conversation in the auditorium short. All heads turned towards the stage to view a diminutive Asian woman in a gray power suit that stood at the podium centered on the stage. She adjusted her glasses and began to read enthusiastically, to a near comical degree, from what the returning students knew was a well used script

"Greetings students, and welcome to the beginning of another wonderful year at Laaaaawnnnndale High," intoned the woman putting extended emphasis on the school's name as the tenured students knew was her habit.

"I am Angela Li, principle and leader of the exceptional faculty here at Laaaawnndale High. We would like to welcome all of you, new and returning faces to our gloooooorrrrius halls." she continued as she proceeded to introduce the teaching faculty.

"Are we in the right place?" questioned Alex as he glanced from Ms. Li to the cast of almost unbelievable characters that appeared to be the school's teaching staff.

"I was under the impression that the special kids were separated from the rest of the students," Daria commented, referring to the speaking habits of their new principle and some the clearly visible physical idiosyncrasies of their teachers.

Jane perked up at the unfettered and rather amusing color commentary the pair sitting in front of her was exchanging.

_'Hmm, I may have been wrong. I think we may actually have some live ones this year,' _Jane thought.

"And definitely not allowed to make public announcements," continued Daria, "much less teach."

"At least not without the proper headgear and adult supervision," finished Alex.

_'Oh I definitely need to keep an eye on these two,' _Jane thought with a light chuckle. '_Time to test the waters.'_

"Actually the headgear is usually reserved for the students," Jane interjected from behind.

After a brief moment of silence, Daria and Alex shared a quick sidelong glance that did not go unnoticed by Jane and smirk-smiled simultaneously.

"That makes sense," stated Daria. Her expression and tone evened out to her normal neutral as she attempted to better gauge the girl sitting behind them. "One can only bang their head against a brick wall of authoritative ineptitude for so long without the proper protection."

"And not to mention the gripes from the janitor about getting bloodstains out of the desktops," stated Alex as he continued his sister's train of thought.

"Actually, I think the janitorial staff is busy enough cleaning up after the bomb sniffing dogs," quipped Jane as she leaned over and extended her hand between the brother and sister.

"Nice one about the bomb sniffing dogs," remarked Alex with a raised eyebrow as the only acknowledgment to the hand extended between himself and Daria.

"Who said I was joking," responded Jane completely straight-faced as she withdrew her arm and leaned back into her seat.

Alex and Daria turned and looked at each other with matching raised eyebrows, their smirks shifting to more concerned expressions - obvious trepidation showing on their faces.

_'Welcome to Lawndale High' _thought Jane with a wide grin on her face.

* * *

A group consisting of Ms. Li and all of the new students stood together in the wide main hall of Lawndale High School. The students glanced around, taking in the rows of lockers and various inspirational posters that adorned the walls.

Daria's eyes fell immediately to a large poster depicting several young people in matching uniforms. The caption **"Strength Through Unity. Unity Through Conformity." **prompted a sneer from the girl.

_'Drones,' _mused Daria to herself as she recalled the way Ms. Li had paraded the football team and cheerleaders on the auditorium stage only an hour prior.

Alex examined the large trophy case occupying a significant section of the hallway's wall. He noticed the football, basketball and other sporting awards were prominently displayed at eye level. Awards for academic merit, chess tournaments, and other trophies for the various scholastic organizations and competitions occupied lower shelves or were almost hidden behind the more prominently displayed sports related display pieces. He took especial notice of a particularly large academic team trophy that was practically buried behind a multitude of smaller sporting trophies that appeared to have been arranged purposefully to obscure the larger engraved plaque that listed names of the scholastic achievers.

_'Easy to tell where the school's priorities are,' _thought the boy with disdain.

"As you can see our Lawndale High students take great pride in our school," spoke the principle, drawing the twins' attention. She tucked the small stack of cards she had been reading from on the tour of the school into her lapel pocket.

"That's why you'll be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High," Ms. Li stated passing her gaze over the collected group of new students.

Quinn immediately stood stock still with an almost classic deer in the headlights look on her face.

"SOS. Girl overboard," stated Daria noticing her sister's reaction to this latest bit of news.

"Man the lifeboats, lunatics and divas first," remarked Alex as he too noticed Quinn visibly tense up at the mention of the word 'exam'.

"No one told me about any tests," whined Quinn as she recovered somewhat from the initial shock of her new principals words.

"Don't worry," Daria stated to her sister, "it's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt."

"Oh. All right," said Quinn her mood improving tremendously at that reassurance.

"Yeah, you have to have a functioning brain to be subjected to a psych eval," teased Alex with a wink.

* * *

Alex, Daria and Quinn stood around a circular white table inside the quiet white walled room that served as the office of the school psychiatrist. The walls were lined with shelves of books and several posters that would have been more appropriate for a pediatrician's waiting room. An above middle-aged woman with gray and dark brown two-toned hair, wearing a white lab coat over her dress sat at the circular table and riffled through a series of large cards.

"Hello children," the woman said as she adjusted the small-framed glasses perched precariously on the bridge of her almost too thin nose. "Have a seat."

Each of the kids took a seat around the table. Alex reached out and palmed the small multi-colored cube resting in the middle of the table as he took the seat next to the older woman. Quinn settled in opposite her brother on the other side of the doctor. Daria sat in the remaining empty chair between her siblings and crossed her arms.

"I am Mrs. Manson, the school's psychiatrist," the woman stated.

"Is this when we get those nifty X tattoos?" asked Daria.

Ignoring Daria's comment, Mrs. Manson continued, "I hope you don't mind, but with such a busy and full day ahead I thought it would be OK to perform all of your evaluations together since you are brother and sisters."

"Couldn't cause any more psychological trauma than actually having to live with them," Alex responded as he closely began examining the patterns on each side of the plastic cube.

Narrowing her eyes at the boy who was obviously not paying her much attention, Mrs. Manson turned to the girls and said, "We'll start with a simple exercise."

She turned to the youngest Morgendorffer and held up one of the large picture cards from the pile she had been perusing.

"Now Quinn, what do you see here?" Manson inquired.

The over sized white card displayed two very roughly drawn characters in black. The images clearly showed that one of the characters was a man and the other a woman. The male character leaned towards the female character who is holding a hand up in an almost point towards the male's head.

"It's a picture of two people talking," responded Quinn almost immediately.

"That's right!" exclaimed Mrs. Manson. "Can you make up a little story about what they might be discussing?"

Sighing, Quinn retorted, "I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt."

Daria and Alex both smirked at the gullibility of their sister.

Mrs. Manson furrowed her brow in a mild frustration responded, "You won't be graded."

"Oh," Quinn practically chirped, "Okay then. Let's see... They've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she's saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady. And if he does want to go steady, he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, backseat, movie, burger, backseat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger backseats, waiting to take her someplace nice."

"Very good, Quinn." remarked the psychiatrist using a semi-condescending and false overly chipper tone. She turned to Daria and continued, "Now Dara, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's."

"It's Daria," both Alex and Daria stated in unison, which drew a semi-confused glance from the doctor.

"I'm sorry," Manson apologized "**Daria**, what do you see in the picture?"

Daria paused then responded "Um, a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains," as she recalled the last time someone asked her to describe what she saw on an overlarge card.

"Ah, there aren't any ponies. It's two people," retorted Mrs. Manson.

"Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds," insisted Daria in her typical neutral tone. "They said they could be whatever I wanted," the young woman continued eliciting an almost inaudible chuckle from her brother.

"That's a different test dear," remarked Mrs. Manson fighting to keep the frustration she was feeling out of her voice. "In this test, they're people. And you tell me what they're discussing."

"Oh. I see," answered Daria. "All right then. It's a guy and a girl. And they're discussing," she continued with her trademark smile-smirk "a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains."

The psychiatrist turned her gaze to Alex, who at that moment was faced sideways to the table looking down at his hands, and stated, "Something tells me I'll get a similar level of non-cooperation from you young man. What do you have to say for yourself Alexander?"

"Who me?" inquired Alex.

The boy took a deep breath and said, "I'm just a normal rowdy and troubled young man. Coming to an age of rebellious mindset, spending his waking hours tormenting his parents and/or any other authority figure he interacts with while trying to find his place in a strange new environment. Oh, and naturally trying to maintain control of his raging hormones. All in all, a standard issue teenage boy."

With the last statement, Alex made one final turn to the top of the device he held and placed the solved Rubix Cube back in its spot in the center of the round table.

* * *

Alex, Daria, Jake and Quinn ate their various sized portions of lasagna while they sat at the dinner table. Daria stared out the large picture window beside the kitchen table, noticing how the branches of the large tree in their backyard swayed in the wind.

"...so then they asked me to join the pep squad. They said I didn't have to try out or anything. But I said 'Look, I'm new here. Give me a chance to get used to the place first.' So for now I'm the vice-president of the Fashion Club and that's it," droned Quinn finally finishing the retelling of her day's on goings.

"Sounds like a well-thought out decision honey," stated Jake with a proud tone and a wide smile despite having tuned out for most of the conversation.

A tall middle-aged woman in a business tailored dress suit placed a small square of steaming lasagna on her own plate. Her features were similar to her youngest daughter and her shoulder length hair (a slightly darker shade of red than Quinn's) was simply but professionally shaped into a rounded style that framed her face. Helen Morgendorffer turned to address her children.

"As long as you can join pep squad later," stated Helen as she paused to slide comfortably into a chair next to Jake, "...if you want to. It's your choice. You never know how much you can handle until you try though."

"How else are we going to know just what it takes to break you," said Alex as he stuffed another large forkful of lasagna into his mouth.

"What about you Alex?" inquired his mother. "How did you enjoy your first day at school."

Taking time to swallow the food he was chewing, Alex responded "Despite the fact that the general teaching staff seems would be more appropriate as the cast of some bad teen drama show, and the fact that the music teacher is almost tone deaf…"

"Why must you and your sister dwell on the negative so much," asked Helen with a sigh. "Is it too much for you to find just one positive thing about your first day of school?"

"It was an improvement his _last_ school," stated Daria, putting as much emphasis into the word 'last' as she could.

_'Though almost anything is better than military school,' _he thought to himself as his brow began to furrow matching his sister's expression.

Alex felt Daria squeeze his hand under the table reassuringly. His expression softened along with hers and he resumed shoving food into his mouth. A long moment of uncomfortable silence followed that statement.

Trying to break the mood Jake turned to his eldest daughter and asked, "What about you Daria, how was your first day?"

"Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers," Daria started

"At least he treats both of us with equal disdain," remarked Alex. "Thanks for softening him up for me."

"I'm just glad you were there to answer his follow-up question," responded Daria.

"I wasn't sure how to take his response to me referring to the Mexican-American War as the 'The American Crusade'," said Alex with a chuckle.

"I have to admit that was an inspired bit of wordplay," Daria responded with a small chuckle of her own.

Helen noticed the soft exchange between her oldest children and a small smile replaced the worried look her son's comments had inspired.

"But to answer your question Mom," Daria smirked at her brother and continued, "there are some interesting idiots in our classes."

"That's great!" exclaimed Jake not really paying attention to the conversation.

"Jake!" Helen chastised, her smile replaced by a more familiar frustrated scowl.

"I mean...uh," stammered Jake in a vain attempt to recover from his latest flub.

Ignoring her husband's verbal stumbling, Helen turned back to Daria and continued, "Daria, your father is trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them."

"Yeah, then you can judge **AND **blackmail them," remarked Alex between bites.

Helen carried on as if the comment hadn't been made. "You're in a brand new school in a brand new town. You don't want it to be like Highland all over again."

Suppressing a shudder Daria responded, "Not much chance of that happening. Unless there's uranium in the drinking water here too."

"Couldn't have gotten much worse after I left," Alex mentioned offhandedly.

"Trust me," said Daria letting a tiny bit of anger slip through clenched teeth and scowling "It _did_."

Helen visibly winced at the harshness clearly relayed in those two simple words.

Trying to diffuse the situation she carried on "I'm serious kids. I hope you can all make new friends. Don't be so critical. Give people the benefit of the doubt."

Crossing her arms Daria looked at her mother. "It all boils down to trust."

Helen smiled, hoping Daria understood her. "Exactly, it all boils down to trust."

"Mom, Dad," Daria said with a sigh, "you're right."

That comment drew the gaze of Alex who noticed a quick wink from Daria. He quickly returned it and picked up where his sister left off.

"We have been too critical of people and think that everyone should be willing to trust each other a bit more," said the boy.

"That's all we ask," Helen stated. "Show a little trust."

"Can we borrow either car?" the twins asked in unison.

"No," retorted both parents in similar sync as the kitchen phone rang, forestalling further discussion for the moment.

"God, I hope that's not the booster society again," whined Quinn. Helen put down her fork and walked to the counter to pick up the kitchen phone

"Hello? ...Yes... yes, she's my daughter... yes, he's my son..." came Helen's staggered response to the person on the phone.

Daria and Alex glanced at each other raising eyebrows.

"I see," continued Helen. "Listen, is this going to require any parent/teacher conferences or anything? And if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? ... Okay great. Bye!"

Helen hung up the phone and returned to her plate at the table and addressed her children. "You kids took a psychological test at school today?"

"They said we wouldn't be graded," replied Quinn offhandedly.

"Daria, Alex," said Helen. "They want you to take a special class for a few weeks. Then they'll test you again."

"You flunked the test?" Quinn asked sounding honestly surprised. She repeatedly alternated her gaze between her older brother and sister. "Both of you?!"

"They didn't fail dear," Helen sighed trying to reassure Quinn. "It seems the school psychiatrist believes your brother and sister have low self-esteem."

"What?!" Jake yelled. "That really stinks kids."

Jake looked over to his son, frowning.

"Easy Jake, focus," said Helen soothingly as she laid a hand gently on her husband's shoulder.

Turning to face her oldest children, she carried on, "We tell you over and over again that you're both wonderful, and you just don't get it."

_'Yeah right,' _thought Daria, '_wonderful enough to send Lex away for years.'_

"Are they gonna have like, a breakdown and go postal or something? Because, that could really mess me up with my new friends," Quinn voiced with a flip of her hair.

_'Heaven forbid we inconvenience Princess Shallow's social standing with something as trivial as a mental breakdown,' _Daria mused.

"Don't worry, we don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake," stated Daria aloud.

"I'll say!" interjected Jake.

Alex rose from his seat at the table and walked across the kitchen to the dishwasher. He placed his plate and fork into one of the racks within the machine.

"We just have low esteem for everyone else," the boy said as he walked out of the kitchen.

* * *

As they stood at their lockers after the end of their first self esteem class, Alex and Daria saw a familiar smiling face stride up.

"Hello fellow low esteemers," she said extending her hand towards Daria and Alex. "Jane Lane."

"I'm Daria Morgendorffer," said the auburn haired girl, declining the extended hand. "And this is Alex."

Alex waved from behind his open locker door.

"So, how are you two liking life here," Jane asked as she withdrew her ignored hand.

"It's ... interesting," Alex answered noncommittally and he arranged the books inside his locker. "It's hard to believe half of the people that are supposed to be our teachers are real."

"Since you're stuck in O'Neil's self esteem class, I assume it's safe to say the head shrinking with Manson didn't go well," replied Jane.

"It wasn't bad, a few more sessions and Alex may even be able to walk through normal sized doorways," stated Daria.

Rolling his eyes, Alex placed his history book in his locker.

"Something tells me history class is going to be a chore dealing with that DeMartino," stated Alex.

"Just don't stare directly into **'The Eye' **and you'll be fine," reassured Jane as she slung her backpack over her shoulder.

"I'll say," agreed Alex as he rummaged through the contents of his locker, "But if he's had to deal with that Kevin and Brittany for this long, I think I can understand why he's a few movement's short of a symphony."

"Crap!" exclaimed Alex. "I left my sheet music in O'Neil's class."

"Cool, we'll wait for you," said Jane.

The comment caused Daria to glance up from her own locker.

"Nah, no need to wait I'll catch up," he replied with a raised eyebrow as he closed his locker.

"Ok, Lex," replied Daria with a smile for her brother. "I guess _we'll_ see you in a bit."

Giving his sister a quick side hug, Alex turned away from the girls and headed back towards Mr. O'Neil's classroom.

Jane began walking with Daria towards the front doors of the school and asked, "So how long have you two been together?"

"Practically all of our lives," answered Daria, who assumed it was just a joking comment.

"Wow, you two must be pretty serious then. That's pretty cool," said Jane

Daria stopped and looked at Jane quizzically.

"What do you mean?" asked Daria, a trace of confusion evident on her face.

"You and Alex," replied Jane. "You seem good together."

Daria's expression regained its neutral aspect and a Mona Lisa smile played across her lips. She continued walking as she realized the assumption the other girl had come to.

"Not as good as you'd imagine," Daria began. "We have so many differences that it's hard to work things out some times."

"You have to focus on the similarities though," Jane fired back enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I guess," responded Daria. "Well we do have similar literary interests, same love of basic clothing selection, compatible tolerance for obscure and non-action based foreign films."

"That's the spirit," cheered Jane.

"Although," continued Daria "the fact that he's my brother makes things a bit more complicated. Especially from a legal stand point... certain Southern states not withstanding of course."

Daria's small smile became a full smirk as she continued to walk through the front doors of the school, leaving an open-mouthed Jane standing in the doorway.

_'How the hell did I miss that? They are brother and sister?' _thought Jane as she started putting the pieces together. Her mind pieced together the glimpses of Alex's face she had managed to get through his curtain of hair and was finally able to discern the resemblances between Alex and Daria.

_'Wait,' _continued Jane mentally as she thought about their shared age and how in tone the pair was_. 'Twins! Duh Lane.'_

She quickly recovered from her shock, regained her composure and followed Daria out of the school.

_'That's what I get for being late to class the first two days.'_

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jane walked casually down the empty sidewalk after their first week of Mr. O'Neil's Self Esteem class.

"So then after the role playing, next class, they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms, and a female counselor talks to us about body image." explained Jane, noticing the eye roll from Daria at her last comment.

"What do they talk to the boys about," mused Daria aloud.

Jane chuckled, "A class room full of guys and a male teacher?"

"Probably the same thing they talked to us about in Sex Ed at Buxton," added Alex.

All three paused, looked at each other and said simultaneously, "Nocturnal emissions."

"Does that really happen?" asked Jane looking at Alex as the three resumed their walk down the empty sidewalk.

"Don't look at me," responded Alex with a small smile. "Even if I had any practical experience with the phenomena, you can't honestly think I'd admit to it. Especially to my sister and some, no offense, random chick has obviously poor judgeement if she thinks hanging with us voluntarily is a good idea."

None taken and Touché," retorted Jane with a smile.

"I don't get it Jane," stated Daria drawing the other girl's attention. "You've got the entire course memorized, how come you can't pass the test to get out?"

"I'm sure you've got to have less torturous things to do with your free time than listen to Mr. O'Neil for an extra hour each day," added Alex, walking with his hands in the pockets of his army jacket.

"Oh, I can pass the test any time I want to," Jane responded, drawing raised eyebrows from the twins.

"But I like having low self-esteem," she joked with a smile and squinting of eyes. "It makes me feel special."

"So does eating paint chips," remarked Alex, "but you don't see me at the arts and crafts store with a plate and fork."

"Only because they don't have a buffet," chided his sister with a smirk.

Seeing that they were standing in front of their house, Daria stopped and said, "Well this is us."

"Cool. Catch you tomorrow," Jane said as she began to walk towards her own house a few streets over. The black haired girl stopped a few paces away, turned back to the twins and said, "You guys should come over to my house and hang out some time."

Daria noticed her mother's red SUV parked in the driveway.

_'Hmm Mom doesn't usually get off until later,' _she thought.

"We'll keep that in mind," said Alex as he also noticed the vehicle. "Never know when you might need a safe house."

"Catch you hasta amigos," yelled Jane as she jogged away.

Daria and Alex were greeted by the unexpected sight of their mother sitting on the large blue sofa in the living room as they walked through the front door of their home. Helen heard the children enter and turned off the television, standing to greet them.

"Mom, are you feeling all right?" Daria asked her mother. "It's not even 5 yet."

"I took the rest of the day off to work with you two on your self-esteem," Helen responded.

"Mom. While we appreciate the sentiment," Daria said with her usual flat tone, "any meddling in our treatment by an untrained amateur could be dangerous."

"Yeah Mom," continued Alex. "You could undo all of the hard work the trained amateurs have accomplished."

"I don't pretend I can cure you kids, but if lack of Mother-Daughter bonding is part of your problem Daria, we're going to remedy that right now," said Helen.

"Well I'll leave you ladies to your bonding," joked Alex as started heading towards the stairs and hopefully his room.

"Not so fast young man," stated Helen as Jake's blue Lexus pulled into the driveway.

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jake sat on a semi-comfortable padded bench in the women's section of one of the mall's clothing stores. One twin sat on either side of their father.

Alex leaned over towards his father and asked in a whisper, "How is shopping for clothes and guarding purses supposed to help my self esteem again?"

"Just roll with it kiddo," replied Jake in a whisper. "It's best not to rile the women folk when they are in the 'Shopping Zone.'"

"This 'woman folk' would be much less riled if she weren't _in_ the 'Shopping Zone' to begin with," added Daria quietly, not bothering to mask her disdain for being dragged out on a shopping spree.

"Wouldn't Quinn have been the better choice to drag on this little clothing extravaganza?" continued Daria in a normal volume.

Helen sighed as she noticed Jake twitch reflexively at the mention of 'Quinn' and 'shopping' in the same sentence.

"Quinn isn't the daughter in self esteem class," stated Helen as she again began to alternate her focus between the two dresses she held in each hand.

"What do you kids think of this one?" she asked as she held up a powder pink dress with a floral pattern and turned to her children and husband.

"It would bring out the highlights in my hair but I'd need to get new shoes," remarked Alex.

Jake gave a small chuckle then the smile faded from his face. "Wait a minute..."

"I was asking about the dress on Daria, Jake," Helen grumped. "Honestly."

"There's about as much chance of Alex wearing that as getting me into it," Daria said, crossing her arms obstinately.

Jake's face was slack with confusion as he turned his head alternately gazing at his daughter, his son and the pink dress his wife held.

Alex stifled a laugh as he leaned over to his father and whispered, "That means she's not wearing it."

Jake visibly relaxed, chuckled and exclaimed, "Good one Kiddo!"

Helen lowered the dresses in her hands and shook her head.

* * *

Alex and Daria spotted Jane waiting near their lockers as they walked down the main hall of Lawndale High.

"Howdy kids," Jane cheerily greeted the two.

"You know, the whole stalking thing works better if you don't let us know you're there," said Alex as he opened his locker.

"Hey it's not my fault you two are swimming in the 'dangerous waters' of low self esteem with the rest of us," retorted Jane. "Other than that, You two appear to be adapting well to this botched social experiment we call Lawndale High."

"It's not as intolerable as it first appeared," answered Daria. "Although as bad as the teachers are..."

"Some of the students are even more unbelievable," finished Alex. "How did that Kevin and Brittany chick manage to get out of pre-school?"

"Well they don't quite rate 10's on my weird-o-meter after living in Highland," commented Daria, "but interesting doesn't seem adequate."

"Kevin and Brittany don't merit a 10 on the weirdness scale?" asked Jane honestly surprised. "I'm almost afraid to know what would."

"If I told you, you'd never believe me," responded Daria, her memory briefly hovering on two of the more unusual resident's of Highland before her mind returned to the present.

After putting their books in their lockers Alex and Daria turned and began to walk towards Mr. O'Neil's classroom for their Self Esteem course. Jane kept pace and followed them to their shared destination. The trio spotted Quinn as she leaned against her locker and flirted openly with a boy they recognized as a member of the Pep Squad.

"And another sacrifice on the Altar of Shallow Popularity," said Daria drawing a smirk-smile from her brother and a deep accompanying chuckle from Jane. As they approached the flirting teens, the three could more clearly pick up the conversation being held.

"So, like, what do you like to do after school," the boy asked Quinn.

"Oh, nothing special," replied Quinn before continuing "go to the movies, or like, a theme park, or out for a really fancy meal now and then, and maybe go to a concert if like, I know someone who has good seats and is renting a limo and stuff."

"You hear that," Jane asked with a grin. "He's hasn't got a prayer."

"Tell me about it," said Alex with a bit of a sigh.

"Jealous?" asked Jane jokingly.

"I doubt jealousy is the issue," Daria responded with a similar sigh. "That's our sister."

"Oh, bummer," said Jane.

Just as the trio was walking past Quinn and her latest conquest the boy asked Quinn, "So, you got any brothers and sisters?"

"Nope," responded Quinn instantly. "I'm an only child."

Daria and Alex both paused at that last comment and scowled to each other.

_'Now that's just cold,' _thought Jane.

* * *

Timothy O'Neil brushed a stray strand of his short brown hair back into place as he lounged casually on the front edge of his desk. He looked over the class with his too cheery expression and continued with the scripted discussion.

"So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves?" he asked in a too chipper voice. "Anyone?"

Daria doodled a simple stick figure of their teacher with an over-sized ice cream cone for a head. She then passed the drawing to Jane who sat in the seat to her left.

As a boy with coke bottle thick glasses raised his hand Mr. O'Neill smiled broadly.

"Yes?" the teacher prompted, pleased at the boy's willingness to answer the question.

"We're..." the boy said pausing briefly, "talking about us!"

"Excellent!" O'Neil congratulated. "When we're talking about ourselves, we're talking about us!"

Jane finished putting final touches to her addition to the picture Daria had passed her. After adding the last line of a dog's head licking the ice cream cone, she passed the picture to Alex who was seated behind her.

"Now guys," Mr. O'Neil continued, "I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want you to go home and do just that. What do you say?"

Alex handed the sheet back to Daria who had smiled at the image of a stick figure cherub raining sprinkles down over the Ice cream headed stick figure.

"Um," said the teacher scanning around the room. His eyes landing on Daria and pointing to her, "you. What's a day dream that you would like to see come true?"

"Well," answered Daria taking a moment to think, "I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together."

"Excellent!" Mr. O'Neil practically chirped.

"Something that'll really make them suffer," finished Daria in her usual unemotional voice.

Alex added, "But nothing messy. Shag carpet is so difficult to clean."

"Um, well, it's healthy to have these feelings," said the overly sensitive teacher with a gulp, "I think. We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed!"

As the students filed out of the room, he hastily began rifling through the self-esteem manual with a worried expression on his face.

On their way out Jane hooked her arms with Alex and Daria.

"Nice one," She said.

"Umm, thanks," replied Daria.

She looking curiously down at Jane's arm and extracted her own, letting her hand remain on the strap of her backpack.

Alex looked at Jane and likewise extricated his arm from the girl's adding a genial smile before putting his hand back into his jacket pocket.

"You two are definitely keepers," said Jane with a wide smile as the trio headed towards the school's main exit.

* * *

Helen set her plate of lasagna down on the table before her and placed a napkin across her lap.

"How was school today kids?" she inquired.

"It was great Mom," answered Daria setting down her fork and crossing her arms. "Today solidified the reality that our classmates are either cliquey snobs, social rejects, mentally challenged..."

"Or any combination thereof," finished Alex not bothering to look up from his plate.

"Daria and Alexander Morgendorffer!" Helen chastised. "How do you expect to make new friends if you continue to degrade and look down on everyone you meet?"

"Well I think we did make one new friend," interjected Alex, finishing a mouthful of lasagna.

"Despite our best efforts," said Daria, her scowl softening but arms remaining crossed.

"Good for you," Helen said, honestly happy to hear that the introverted twins were able to open up even just this little bit. "Maybe if you try a little harder you can make many more. You both just have to be a little less," Helen paused looking for the right word "... suspicious."

Looking back and forth between his oldest children and his wife, Jake tried to break into the conversation.

"How's the old self-esteem going, kiddos?" he asked cheerily.

"My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life as child epithets like 'kiddo' is probably the source of my problem," retorted Daria picking her fork back up and resuming her meal.

"Really?!" asked Jake with a little panic in his voice.

"No Dad," reassured Alex, "Not really."

Realizing the joke, Jake laughed and said, "Aren't they great? They're the greatest!"

"They sure are," said Helen rolling her eyes slightly at her husband's gullibility. "But what does your self-esteem teacher say?"

"He says we should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child, and replicate them," stated Daria

"But unfortunately Quinn's here to stay," added Alex.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Quinn scowling at her older siblings.

"You should know. You're the only child," responded Daria with a frown.

"It would be bad enough having just one brother or sister who was unpopular, but I got stuck with both of you," Quinn whined. "I have to work extra hard to maintain my popularity," she tried to explain.

Helen scowled at her youngest child but continued addressing Daria. "Come on honey, finish what you were saying."

"Well I thought," continued Daria. "Why don't we go to Pizza Forest for dinner like we did when we were kids."

Quinn looked up with eyes wide in horror and remarked, "The kids place with the singers?!"

"Boy, do I miss those happy fun time songs," said Daria unemotionally.

_'Oh this is going to be good,'_ thought Alex with a grin.

* * *

The Morgendorffer clan sat uncomfortably around a mid sized table inside the festively decorated Pizza Forest. Helen and Jake glanced occasionally at various pre-teens running happily from tables to various games and other entertainment apparatus.

Helen glanced up as trio of people dressed in overly cute animal costumes designed to look like a skunk, badger, and squirrel approached their table and began to sing yet another annoying children's rhyme.

Finishing up their 4th chorus of Row, Row, Row Your Boat, the singers began again in sickeningly cheery voices, "Join us! Now you! Your turn! Jump in!"

After an extended silence, the costumed singers appeared to be on the verge of moving to a different table.

"Row, row, row your boat!" said Daria swaying from side to side in her chair not actually singing.

"Gently down the stream," sang Alex who also swayed with the rhythm. "Come on everyone."

With interest renewed, the singers began another round of the song.

Quinn slunk so far down in her seat that little more than her eyes and the top of her red hair could be seen over the table. Jake decided to simply roll with it and began stuffing his face with pizza.

_'The things I do for my family,' _thought Helen with a loud sigh.

* * *

Inside Jane's large but sparsely furnished bedroom, Daria sat in front of a small television with her back to an unmade queen sized bed. She gazed up at the patterns of the paint-splattered ceiling. Jane had just finished setting up a well-used easel, its back facing the sole window occupying half of the room's exterior wall. Alex wandered to various paintings and large sketches that had been hung and/or pinned to the wall opposing the window.

"Your ceiling looks like a Rorschach ate a box of Crayolas and exploded," commented Daria, drawing a chuckle from the room's owner.

"This is good," Alex remarked with actual appreciation in his voice as he examined one of the many paintings hanging on the wall.

"Thanks," said Jane as she turned to see which painting the boy was referring to. "But I always felt I could never quite get the right arc on the brush strokes."

"You painted this?" asked Alex, clearly impressed.

_'Wow she's got real talent.' _he thought.

"Yep, that's a Jane Lane original," said Jane is a casual manner. "Actually, I think that all of the paintings in the house are mine. Though I don't remember painting some of them."

"I've seen you looking at your sketch book after a class," remarked Daria. "You draw without realizing it. Not hard to imagine you not remembering every painting you ever did."

Glancing over at his sister and their new friend, Alex noticed the green and yellow hypnotic swirling pattern on the television that indicated the show they were watching was coming back on.

"Show's back on," Alex said taking up the spot in front of the bed next to his sister.

Jane stretched out across her bed. She flicked the pause button on her tape deck and unmuted the TV.

_**'And now back to Sick, Sad World!'**_

* * *

"It's almost sad that Artie guy is actually in our school Lawndale," said Alex lounging on Jane's disheveled bed as he watched her readjust her easel.

"Yeah," said Jane, "At least he's graduating this year. He was always a little weird... even for Lawndale. "

"Psychotically delusional is more appropriate," said Daria flipping through the illustrated book titled **_Musculature and the Physical Form_** she found on Jane's bookshelf.

Alex contemplated the UFO convention that had been covered by Sick Sad World where Arty had been interviewed.

"Though apparently it's a mass delusion judging by the number of people at that UFO convention," he remarked.

"He's mostly harmless though," Jane said as she dipped her paintbrush in the blobs of paint on the palette she held.

"So," said Daria turning to Jane, "You know all of the answers to the questions on the release test, right?"

"I've got them in my notebook," said Jane as she started making long oddly angled strokes with the brush.

"Where are you going with this, Dia?" asked Alex.

"Well," said Daria as she watched Jane begin to paint, "I was thinking. Why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?"

"How would I spend my afternoons?" asked Jane setting the paintbrush across the palette. Her curiosity had been piqued and her artistic muse could wait.

"UFO conventions," said Daria with her Mona Lisa smile gracing her face.

"You're kidding right?" asked Jane with a raised eyebrow.

A smirk mirroring his sister's found its way onto Alex's face.

"You're telling us you would pass up the opportunity to see some of the biggest nut jobs in the state gathered in one easily accessible location for our viewing pleasure," said the boy.

"Hmm I like the way you think," replied Jane wiping a hand across her brow leaving a streak of alizarin crimson in its wake.

* * *

After glancing at the schedule printout on his desk, Mr. O'Neil looked up to face the group attending his self Esteem class.

"Now, for tomorrow," the teacher said "I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it."

"Mr. O'Neill," interjected the boy wearing coke bottle glasses.

"Yes, uh... you," responded O'Neil with his customary bad habit of not remembering names.

"Is that if we've never been born?" the boy asked looking for clarification. "Or do you mean if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?"

Looking clearly nervous and not expecting that negative of a response to his seemingly simple task, the man stumbled with words for a second.

"Never been born. See you all tomorrow!" Mr. O'Neil blurted out hoping to rush the students out so that he could re-read the facilitator's guide. He had just begun to read the section titled **_Extreme Cases of Low Self Esteem_ **when he noticed that three of the students had remained in the class after it ended.

Alex, Daria and Jane walked up to Mr. O'Neil's desk and gave each other a quick small smile and waited for the overly sensitive teacher to acknowledge them.

"Hi! Did you need any clarification on something we covered today?" asked O'Neil thinking that he had failed to cover something properly during the class. He then began leafing through that day's material looking for the scripted responses to questions.

Daria rolled her eyes and stated in her usual monotone, "We feel really good about ourselves."

"We want to take the graduation test," continued Jane.

Mr. O'Neill perked up a bit but looked a bit confused as he glanced at the course schedule.

"Well, I'm glad you self-image meter is on the up-tick! But there's still three more weeks of class left!" He said in his slow too cheery voice.

"This first week has been a real eye opener," said Daria. "It must be the way you teach."

_'Please tell me I kept my face straight,' _Jane thought to herself on hearing Daria's obviously false compliment.

"We understand how special we are," continued Alex, "and we want to let you focus more of your attention on those who still need your help."

_'If this guy buys this line of bull he will officially be the most gullible person on the planet,'_ the boy thought to himself.

"Oh, well, thank you very much," said Mr. O'Neil almost blushing.

He looked at the three youths standing before him and his gaze stopped at Jane.

"You know, you look familiar somehow..." the teacher said tilting his head slightly.

"So can we take the test?" interjected Daria hoping to distract the befuddled teacher.

"Well, it's not the way we usually do it," said the teacher, drawing scowls from the three young people, "but I guess it's ok," he finished, much to their relief.

O'Neil reached into his desk drawer and, after rifling through several papers, found the test he had not planned to administer for almost a month.

"Question one," the teacher began. "Self-esteem is important because..."

"It's a quality that will stand us in good stead for the rest of our lives," droned Daria almost immediately.

"Very good," congratulated O'Neil. "Now, the next time I feel bad about myself..."

"Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say, 'You are special. No one else is like you,'" said Jane in a convincingly false upbeat voice.

"We are unique and special people," continued Alex, "And our esteem will show in our confidence with that fact."

"You three really have been paying attention," said Mr. O'Neil practically beaming with happiness.

"Okay," he said taking a breath, "there's no such thing..."

"As the right weight," began Alex

"Or the right height," followed up Daria

"There's only what's right for me," added Jane.

The three youths looked at each other with a conspiratorial smirk and said in unison, "Because me is who I am."

Mr. O'Neill stood and put the test papers down on his desk smiling from ear to ear.

"I don't think we have to go any further. I am really pleased," he said. Alex, Daria and Jane smiled as well to themselves inwardly celebrating.

"I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly," stated the cheery man.

The smiles on the faces of the kids vanish almost instantly.

"What do you mean whole school?" asked Daria nervously.

"Your exceptional performance in overcoming your low self esteem is inspirational," said Mr. O'Neil. "I feel it should be shared with your fellow classmates. To serve as a beacon to other with low self esteem. A way to say 'We did it, and so can you'," He finished, pumping his arm in a dramatic fashion.

The teens looked at each other, then looked back at the almost bouncing older man and thought in unison,_ 'Crap!'_

* * *

The Morgendorffer clan, accompanied by Jane, wandered in a loose group within the large concert hall housing the Lawndale UFO Convention. The flash of Jane's disposable camera could be seen as the group meandered from one sci-fi themed booth to another.

"Let's go get our picture taken with the cardboard alien," said Daria pointing to the afore mentioned apparatus.

"Ah... sure honey, whatever you want," said Jake with an uncomfortable smile on his face as he pulled Helen towards the photo op stand and its forest of alien related cardboard cutouts.

"So how'd you manage to convince them to go along with this again," asked Jane as she lowered her camera. She gave a quick glance at the camera's indicator and noted the number of remaining exposures.

Ensuring her parents were out of earshot, Daria smirked and replied "Just a small application of guilt about not being more involved in their children's self esteem."

"We basically made them feel bad for not attending the award assembly Mr. O'Neil wanted to give for us graduating his class so quickly," explained Alex.

"And the fact that you managed to convince Mr. O'Neil not to have that little award ceremony never came up." said Jane with a noticeable grin on her face. She remembered how Alex and Daria had manipulated the weak willed teacher into thinking that publicly celebrating their quick completion of the course would draw attention to the fact that they had low self-esteem to begin with.

"We may have left a few of the less important details out," said Daria with a small smile.

"They never asked," responded Alex with a matching smile.

"And of course just the mere mention of ostracizing the one friend we've made was enough to ensure your inclusion on this safari into the Land of the Weird," he continued.

"Quinn?" called Helen as she waved towards her youngest daughter from a particularly tacky cutout.

"I'll wait here," called Quinn, "or in the lady's room. Or maybe out in the parking lot."

_'No way I'm taking a picture with anyone in this place,' _the fashion-minded girl thought.

"Okay, Kiddo," chimed Jake. "We'll be right back!"

"Try not to let any nasty aliens beam you up to their mother ship while we're gone," said Alex with a wink to his youngest sister as he, Daria and Jane began to walk over towards Helen and Jake.

Just then, a gangly teen with curly red hair, freckles and an extremely protruding over-bite walked up to the youths. He wore a suit that appeared to be made of cardboard covered with aluminum foil. The newcomer turned to Quinn and said "Hi! I'm Arty! You're cool..."

"Just remember, when they bring out the probes, try to relax," remarked Daria as she passed Quinn.

Quinn turned, practically ran towards her family and almost screamed, "Mom?! Dad?! You guys, wait up!!"

"Oh, you two are a twisted couple of crullers," remarked Jane with a chuckle, as she linked her arms through Daria and Alex's. The trio made their way towards the cardboard cutouts.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

For those who haven't already figured it out, the story will follow (for the most part) the general continuity of the original series. However each situation will naturally be adapted to account for the addition to the Dariaverse that is Alex Morgendorffer. I think you will all enjoy the way things progress and look forward to seeing where and how things go.

As with most introductory chapters much is taken up with character introductions and establishing interactions, so the first few may rely heavily on canon. I did try to use as many original scenes as possible or introduce internal dialogue to give a deeper or different perspective to the familiar scenes. Future chapters should see much more original content as the story progresses and the intros are completed (we still have a few key players left to introduce)

On to more specific issues:

Alex's nickname for Daria, **Dia**, is pronounced "Dee-ah" and you'll get some back-story into that at some point ;)

Some may have noticed the Fashion Club in this story is a bit different from the way they behaved in the original episode. This was done because there is a vast divergence between their original personalities in Esteemers vs. how their characters were eventually portrayed from their more familiar behaviors. I chose to give them their final personalities at the start for the sake of continuity and character development.

I also chose to have the Morgendorffers show up at the beginning of the school year as opposed to mid-term for various reasons. For the purposes of where I planned on taking things and some of the back-story it just made more sense.

Some dialog and general story concept from: _Esteemsters_ by Glenn Eichler

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria.

Mad props to Natalia173 for agreeing to be tortured with my complete lack of story telling ability and horrendous grammar by beta reading for me.

And special thanks to RLobinske whose continuously incredible fiction inspired me to get back into writing.


	3. The Uninvited

First off, let me thank everyone who took the time to read the first chapter.

I was very concerned with how this little project would be embraced.

I was pleasantly surprised by the positive responses and definitely appreciated the feedback.

Now that we've gotten a most of the main character introductions out of the way we can focus a bit more on story content. This chapter should flow a bit more freely than chapter 1 did (thanks to all the feedback and critiques).

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

Enjoy the show...

* * *

**Chapter 2 - The Uninvited**

Alex, Daria and Quinn walked at a moderate pace down Glendale Lane on their way to school.

_'Ugh, why did Dad have to go to work early,' _thought Quinn as she sidestepped to avoid a small bit of unidentifiable trash on the sidewalk.

"Will you two stop following me," whined Quinn as she stopped and turned to face her older brother and sister.

"Hate to break it to you Pip, but we go to the same school," responded Alex.

Before the Morgendorffer siblings could argue any further, a trio of their fellow students interrupted them. The three boys jogged up and, after taking a moment to catch their breath, turned to Quinn. The new arrivals either completely ignored or were simply oblivious to Daria and Alex.

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books," said the dark haired boy Alex recognized as Jeff, enthusiastically.

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil," said the short brown haired Joey, trying to take Quinn's attention away from Jeffy.

Lagging slightly behind the other two, the blond with swept back hair caught up.

"Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um..." the boy he knew to be Jamie stumbled, not seeing anything else to carry for the girl. "Got anything else?"

Quinn rummaged through her pockets.

"I've got a hair scrunchy," said Quinn as she handed the bright pink hair restraint to the over-eager boy.

"Great!" Jamie exclaimed as he began to enthusiastically stretch and relax the scrunchy. He smiled at the small ring of neon pink cloth covered elastic as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"Ah, to be young and easily amused,"' mused Alex with a smirk as he crossed to the other side of the road and began to walk on towards school.

"Careful," warned Daria sarcastically. "That scrunchy might be loaded."

"Huh?" asked Jamie as one of his fingers slipped, causing the stretched device to fly free from his grasp and smack him right between the eyes.

With a satisfied smirk at the fulfillment of her warning, she walked past her younger sister and the enamored trio to join her brother on the other side of the street.

Once on the opposite sidewalk from their sister and her entourage, Alex and Daria continued their own trek towards Lawndale High.

"I'm starting to think we should take up Jane's offer to walk to school with us," commented Daria.

"That would be cool," replied Alex. "At least we would have someone interesting to talk to each morning."

"And we can get an extra 20 minutes each day to plan our take over of the town," added Daria.

"Insert maniacal laughter here," remarked Alex with a grin.

* * *

Claire Defoe stood up from her desk in the large open room that served as her art class. She stopped for a moment to secure her long curly red hair in a loose ponytail behind her and glanced back at the black board.

**PERSPECTIVE**

The word loomed in the center of the board in large white chalk letters. She turned back to the class and began to float from student to student, examining their progress on her current paused behind the one student, her favorite student, who never failed to impress her with every assignment.

The teacher watched as Jane reloaded her paintbrush and began bringing out definition to the face that took up the majority of her easel. The large smiling woman's face seemed to look directly at the viewer. Framed on each side of the face, two small chubby hands (slightly larger in scale) that reached upwards towards the face, but not touching it. The face loomed large and slightly distorted, especially in comparison to the more distant, smaller elements in the background.

Jane had managed to perfectly execute the impression that the smiling woman was looking down at the viewer. However, it wasn't the precision that impressed the older artist turned teacher most. What most impressed her was the amount of feeling the girl's paintings portrayed. The depth of emotion that was always present in each of the younger artist's works always managed to awe the older woman. Jane's current work was no exception, as the happiness displayed by the painted woman's smiling face virtually radiated from the canvas before her.

_'Something in the eyes,' _mused Ms. Defoe internally before commenting aloud. "Excellent work Jane. Your painting practically pulls me into it."

Ms. Defoe was rewarded with a glowing smile from the dark-haired girl who turned back to her painting. She continued to watch Jane add a few more highlights to the face's features before her attention was pulled elsewhere.

"Perspective is hard," stated a high-pitched squeaky voice.

The statement broke the art teacher from her appreciative reverie. Recognizing the distinctively squeaky voice, Ms. Defoe directed her attention to the small table directly behind her. Daria Morgendorffer and the source of the complaint were sharing that table. The teacher took note of the busty, blond cheerleader who was scrubbing her paper coarsely with the severely depleted eraser of her pencil.

"Perspective is really hard," Brittany Taylor repeated as she twirled one of her long ponytails around her finger.

"Especially when you don't have one," remarked Jane quietly to herself.

With a sigh, Clair Defoe stepped away from Jane's easel and moved towards the obviously befuddled young blond.

* * *

_'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'_

The old adage ran through Alex's mind once more as he exited the class held by Mr. Johansen. Alex grew less content to submit to the hour's instruction by the so-called teacher and "musical coordinator" for Lawndale High. Alex had assumed the title '**Instrumental Musical Performance and Appreciation**' would be little more than an overly inflated description of an activity more commonly labeled "Orchestra" or "Band".

Unfortunately, he discovered quickly that Lawndale's attempt at musical instruction courses fell far short of the even his cynically low expectations. While several of his fellow musically inclined classmates were far above what most would consider average in their musical abilities, the problem was their instructor.

_'The man wouldn't know harmony if it bit him on the ass,' _continued Alex mentally as he reached his locker and began exchanging books from it and his backpack.

Daria and Jane rounded the corner and spotted Alex immediately.

"Yo," greeted Jane as Daria began working on the combination lock to the locker next to her brother's.

"Hey," replied Alex shortly.

"Tough day in the salt mines I take it," remarked Daria, having sensed her brothers frustration.

"The usual," sighed Alex. "I am growing exceedingly weary of our so-called music teacher's lack of anything resembling musical ability."

"Old 'Dead Ear' getting to you, eh?" inquired Jane as she leaned casually against the lockers beside Daria.

"I think an actual deaf person would be an improvement at this point," remarked Alex dryly.

"I don't know why I even bring this to class," he continued, indicating his violin case as he slid it into his locker. "We hardly ever get to **_play_** anything during class."

"From what I've heard when you guys do get to play, that's probably for the best," remarked Daria closed her locker and the three began to make their way further down the hall.

"Yeah, I made the mistake of going to a school recital once," commented Jane. "I'd rather listen to my brother's band practice for 12 hours straight."

"The problem isn't that he's actually tone deaf," remarked Alex. "It's that he doesn't have the ability to coordinate more than three or four people."

"What do you mean?" asked Daria.

Alex furrowed his brow for a moment before continuing, "It's like when Dad tries to cook a multi-dish meal."

Daria smiled at the reference and understood immediately what her brother was saying.

"Gotcha," she remarked. "Give him something relatively simple with a limited number of elements..."

"... like a string quartet or similar small group setting, and he's golden. But give him a full band to arrange..." continued Alex.

"...and he gets overwhelmed..." added Daria.

"...then none of the individual portions turn out right... " the boy picked up.

"...and the whole thing falls through," his sister finished.

Jane turned her head back and forth from one twin to the other said, "You know, you two are down right scary when you get all 'Village of the Damned' on me."

"But if you know what the problem is why not just talk to him about it?" she continued.

"I would, but every time I try, he starts rattling on about his time on the New York Symphony," responded Alex. "Then his eyes get all glassy and he starts taking his mental trip in the Way Back Machine."

"You could always just take art with us Lex," suggested Daria.

"Believe me, I've considered it," responded Alex with a sigh. "Dealing with that man daily is enough to make me not want to play any more."

Jane shuddered at the thought of what it would be like if Ms. Defoe were as challenged artistically as Johansen was musically.

"I'd lose it..." she thought aloud.

"What?" asked Daria with a glance to her friend.

"Nothing, just thinking out loud," responded Jane.

"When the voices tell you to kill, remember to start with the teachers," deadpanned Daria.

"I'll probably just keep ignoring them," remarked Jane. "Killing sprees require too much effort."

"Speaking of too much effort, here comes Lawndale's resident overachiever now," commented Daria.

Jane and Alex turned to see an attractive African American couple approach. The girl's long black hair was done up in numerous neat braids that fell to just below her shoulders. The ends of her muscular male companion's shorter dreadlocks bounced slightly at shaven sides of his head with each step. Jodie Landon and Michael 'Mack' MacKenzie smiled as they approached the group.

"Mack," greeted Alex with a slight head nod and smile to the dark skinned boy.

"Madam President," Alex continued with another small smile towards Jodie.

"Hey, Alex," responded Jodie. "You know it's not too late to change your mind. The Student Council still needs a Treasurer."

"Thank you, no," replied the auburn headed boy. "That would require me to actually get involved in the inner workings of the Educational Machine."

"Too bad," Jodie said. "The offer is still open to you too, Daria."

"I have enough problems with the political jockeying of Lawndale without being a jockey myself," remarked Daria.

"Well you are the right height for the job," teased Jane drawing chuckles from Mack and Jodie and a smirk from Alex.

Daria narrowed her eyes at Jane and flatly replied, "I hate you."

"So what's up, guys?" inquired Mack.

"Not much," responded Jane. "Young Alexander here was just relaying his appreciation for Mr. Johansen's musical expertise."

"Or lack thereof," intoned Daria, drawing a chuckle from Mack.

"I understand completely," said Jodie. "My parents had me in the band for most of my freshman year."

"How'd you manage to escape?" asked Alex with a raised eyebrow.

"After the first school performance of the year, they decided that it wasn't 'an effective use of my time and talents'," she answered with a light smile of her own.

"In other words, the performance was so horrible that your folks pulled you out of it, and the class, to ensure that the Landon name wouldn't be associated with the auditory nightmare that is the Lawndale Performing Band," stated Alex.

"Got it in one," said Mack.

"Hate to break it up, but class is about to start and I don't want to be late to Home Ec," interjected Jane. "Come on Mack. Ready for an hour of domestic enlightenment?"

"Damn well rounded educational curriculum requirements," swore Mack jokingly.

Mack leaned in and gave Jodie a peck on the cheek before walking to join Jane.

"Catch you after practice, hon?" he asked.

"Sorry, Mack," replied Jodie with a sad look. "I've got a Student Council meeting and an organizational meeting for the school paper."

_'It's always something,' _thought Mack with a sigh, having halted his departure to make the inquiry.

"Guess we'll have time at Brittany's party," he stated with a small smile.

_'At least she'll get a little time to de-stress this weekend,' _Mack mentally added.

The sad expression on Jodie's face quickly erased the smile from his face.

"Oh, Mack, I'm sorry," began Jodie. "My community service project was moved up to this weekend. I'm going to be busy for the next two weeks."

"It's ok," said Mack with a resigned sigh as he walked past Alex and Daria.

"Later kids," said Jane as she and Mack resumed their walk towards their shared class.

* * *

Alex and Daria lounged in Jane's room as the room's owner flicked her paintbrush across a rather colorful canvas. A few stray droplets of paint splashed against the uncut and obviously unmeasured rolls of crimson fabric that served as the room's window drapes.

"Then she actually said _'But Daria ... we're in a building',_" remarked Jane, mimicking Brittany's squeaky voice as she reloaded her paintbrush and resumed using it to launch paint towards the canvas.

"I still can't figure out why you kept trying to explain it to her," she continued.

"What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment," responded Daria dryly.

"How did that girl get past the 1st grade?" asked Alex with a chuckle as he skimmed through one of Jane's old sketchbooks.

"Probably something to do with her bra having more material than the average 1st grader's wardrobe," commented Daria as she flipped through channels on the television.

"Speaking of which," said Alex. "These are really good. You never struck me as the life drawing type."

"Yeah, I did those last summer." Responded Jane as she tapped her brush into a blob of reddish paint.

The appreciative wolf whistle that escaped Alex's pursed lips prompted his sister to rise from her spot in front of the TV. She stood behind her brother as he flipped through the various pages filled with partial body sketches of female nudes.

"That class wasn't held on the moon by any chance was it?" inquired Daria as Alex flipped to a page taken up entirely by an extremely detailed pencil drawing of a well-endowed woman, reclining on a bench.

"Those should not be that ... perky in that position," commented Alex as he turned the sketchbook sideways and tilted his head slightly.

Daria casually removed the book from her brother's hands and began to step to the other side of the room.

"Hey!" complained Alex.

"You'll go blind," teased Daria with a smirk at her brother as she laid the sketchbook on a nearby shelf before returning to her spot in front of the television.

"Just kill a guys fun why don'cha," said Alex with a smirk of his own as he wiggled his glasses on his nose.

"Anyway," said Daria, as she rolled her eyes at Alex's comment. "Brittany invited me to her party, to show her appreciation for helping with the perspective drawing."

"No kidding?" asked Jane who paused in her painting and turned her head towards the other girl. "Are you going?"

"Sure. And after that, I think I'll swallow glass," responded Daria. "Why? Do _you_ want to go?"

"Not really," said Jane. "I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to 'Come as You Are'. Although I could probably get some good sketches there."

"Sketches would be good..." added Alex as he began to flip through another of Jane's sketchbooks. "But photos would be better."

"You may be onto something there," mused Jane.

_'I think some of Dad's old gear is still lying around here somewhere,' _She added mentally. _'I should get used to handling real camera equiment instead of just the usual disposables.'_

"Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing either way," Daria said. "If you want to go, just make believe you're me."

"Yeah, all us freaks look alike when you're popular," remarked Alex.

Jane carefully removed Daria's glasses and held them up to her face.

"Hi, I'm Daria... Go to hell," Jane intoned in a flat monotone.

Alex grinned at Jane's purposefully poor imitation of his sister. Daria sat on the bed squinting at the other girl.

"It won't work," said Jane in her normal voice. "My face is too expressive."

"And your butt's too big," retorted Daria with a smirk as she snatched her glasses back from Jane.

A noise form the opposite side of the room drew both girls' attention. Daria and Jane turned to see Alex chuckling at his sister's comment. Jane's icy glare prompted the boy to cough and bury his nose in the sketchbook he had been perusing.

"You could always pretend to be him," Daria said pointing to her brother. "Brittany invited him too."

"And exactly how did I get dragged into this," asked Alex raising an eyebrow to his sister.

"Brittany told me I could bring 'That guy you're always hanging out with as your date'," replied Daria.

"Seriously, what is it with everyone thinking we're a couple instead of brother and sister," asked Alex.

"Like you said," interjected Jane. "All the freaks look alike when you're popular."

"Right. So what was your excuse?" asked Daria with a smirk.

* * *

_'What to wear? What to wear,' _thought Quinn as she stood before the mirror hanging from the door of her expansive closet. She held up dress after dress trying to determine which would be best for the occasion.

"Sheer, semi-sheer, or opaque," Quinn mused out loud as she held a series of skirts up to her waist.

"Textured!" she exclaimed as she tossed the other three skirts into the growing pile of clothes next to her closet door.

Daria took a moment to take in the decor of her little sister's room. Her gaze slowly appraised the canopy bed. Its lacy and ruffled pastel pink bedding mostly obscured by the army of stuffed animals neatly arranged on it. The large window behind the bed bore pastel pink drapes that matched the bedding. The white walls were decorated with poster-sized reproductions of covers from Elle, Vogue, Waif, and other fashion magazines. Daria also restrained a distasteful comment at the plethora of boy band posters and memorabilia that was also displayed. The slate gray office surplus desk that occupied her own room was a far cry from the fashionable carved white wooden desk that occupied the far corner of Quinn's room. Daria rolled her eyes slightly at the large mirror that was mounted onto the desk and shifted her attention back to her sister and the growing pile of discarded clothes.

"Isn't one of you enough?" came Daria's voice from the door.

The older girl smirked as she mentally formed images of Quinn with shifting skin tones matching the patterns of clothing her younger sister had been deciding between. Quinn turned to see Daria leaning against her doorway with her half smile gracing her lips.

_'Why is she always so darn smug?' _Quinn asked herself as a scowl fell over her face.

"Go away, I'm concentrating," said Quinn in her haughtiest voice. "I'm invited to a party Saturday night and I have to choose the perfect outfit."

She turned back to her reflection in the full length mirror attached to her closet door and raised her nose into the air as she held dresses in front of her body.

"Countdown: T-minus 72 hours to go," commented Daria entering her little sister's room fully. "Might this party be at Brittany's house?"

"Yes, and might you go away now," said Quinn as she bent over to pick up a top that might match the skirt she had decided on.

Halfway down, she stopped then straightened back up without retrieving the article she was reaching for. Daria could almost see the light bulb turn on over her sister's head and her subdued smile shifted slightly to a full-blown smirk.

"Hey... how do _you_ know about it?" asked Quinn suspiciously.

"I'm invited, too..." said Daria unenthusiastically with smirk firmly in place. "But I haven't decided if I'll go."

"You can't go! You'll ruin everything!" yelled Quinn.

_'She's just going to spend the entire night doing everything she can to embarrass me in front of everyone,' _thought Quinn.

"You know, Mom is always saying I should broaden my social horizons," said Daria as her hand came up to rest on her chin and a feigned contemplative look replaced the smirk.

"Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life _again!" _whined Quinn angrily as she stormed out of her room and almost ran headlong into Alex as he reached the top of the stairs.

"Whoa there," said Alex as he caught Quinn by the shoulders. "Where's the fire?"

"Can't you and Daria, like go watch some French movie or something this Friday?" asked Quinn angrily.

"Sorry, no can do," Alex said to Quinn having caught the last portion of his sisters' loud argument. "She's making me go too."

Quinn's eyes grew wide. She pushed Alex aside and stormed down the stairs yelling, "Mooooom!!"

* * *

Alex checked his watch for the third time that sunny Friday morning. He glanced at his sister beside him on the front stoop of the Lane home.

"If she doesn't come out soon, we're going to be late for school," he stated.

"Maybe she was abducted by aliens last night, and they forgot to bring her back," Daria commented.

"Doubtful," responded Alex. "I'd give them an hour tops before they realized their error."

Alex raised his hand, about to knock on the door again, when the front door slid slowly open. Neither twin could contain their surprise as a sleepy-eyed and generally haggard looking Jane stood before them. She was obviously dressed for school. However, the zombie-like expression on her face told both Alex and Daria that she was far from awake.

The semi-conscious Jane issued an unintelligible grunt and wandered away from the open doorway, further into the house. Alex looked to his sister with an inquisitive expression. Daria replied with a shrugging of shoulders and entered the house.

Alex similarly stepped across the threshold and gently closed the door behind him. The sound of drawers and rattling of metal from their right drew their attention. They wandered through the small living room and its threadbare couch to see Jane standing at the counter of the moderately sized kitchen. Each Morgendorffer took a chair at the round Formica topped table and watched their friend's movements.

Jane shuffled jerkily around the kitchen with her eyes half closed. She moved from cabinet to cabinet, removing items and set them down on the table before filling a chipped coffee mug with hot water from the sink. The twins took note of the items Jane had placed on the table: a can of instant coffee, a box of powdered non-dairy creamer, a jar of strawberry jam and a small glass bowl of sugar. Jane returned from the sink with the lightly steaming cup and plopped down heavily into the empty chair on the opposite side from Daria and Alex.

Without a word she dug a large spoon into the can of coffee and shoved the small pile of black-brown dust directly into her mouth. She then did similarly with the non-dairy creamer and sugar in turn. At that point Jane brought the lightly steaming cup to her puckered lips and took a large swig of the hot liquid. After shaking her head violently with distended jaws, the girl swallowed audibly.

The results were almost immediate, as Jane's eyes went from half-mast to wide open.

"Yowza!" she exclaimed as she slammed her hand down on the table with a loud thump.

Alex and Daria stared open-mouthed at their friend as she then stood up and began preparing what appeared to be a conventional serving of coffee from the gathered products.

"What... in the name... of Juan Valdez... was that all about?" asked a bemused Alex.

"We Lane's aren't exactly morning people," Jane replied with a grin as she stood and made her way to the other side of the kitchen.

"So you still coming with us to Brittany's party?" asked Daria as she recovered from her friend's displayed morning routine.

"If you two can stomach going, I figure it's the least I can do," said Jane between sips as she slid two slices of bread into a battered toaster. "What kind of friend would I be if I let you two walk into the lion's den alone?"

"The kind of friend with nothing to do and no one else to hang out with on a Friday night," remarked Daria with a half smile.

"Curse you and your logical brain," quipped Jane, as she smacked the side of the smoking toaster causing the now stiff darkened bread to slowly rose from the device.

"Besides," she began as she pulled the slices out of the toaster and brought them back to the table to be liberally coated with strawberry jam. "Someone has to be there to photograph the slaughter when you two snap."

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jane sat in the front bench seat of a battered blue Plymouth Satellite. The car meandered down the quiet streetlight illuminated road.

Jane sat next to the window and moved her right arm in a wavelike motion against the wind as the car traveled down the quiet suburban street. The wind lightly grabbed her eye level bangs on occasion as she bobbed her head to the heavy rock music that poured from the car's interior speakers. Alex sat with his arms crossed, sandwiched tightly between Jane and his sister.

"So what's the game plan?" asked Jane as she continued to bob her head in time with the song.

"Find a comfy section of wall with a good vantage point and observe the gathered stupidity of our classmates," replied Alex. "Naturally taking every opportunity to help any humiliating moments reach their fullest potential."

"Simple... effective... with a minimal requirement for effort on our part," pondered Jane aloud. "My favorite kind of plan."

"We're going to be in an unsupervised venue with the cream of the mindless crop," remarked Alex with a half smile. "I doubt we'll even have to get directly involved."

"Ten bucks says someone spikes the punch bowl," stated Jane with a grin.

"You're on," remarked Alex as his half smile widened into a grin of his own.

Daria was only partially listening to the interchange between Jane and her brother. Instead, her attention remained primarily on the vehicle's other occupant. She cut her eyes nervously to the car's driver, seated uncomfortably close beside her.

Trent Lane slunk casually in the driver's section of the car's bench front seat. He ran his left hand through his short, curly, black hair. The hand descended to scratch his face just below the small triangle of hair that adorned his chin. His right hand rested lightly on the leather-clad steering wheel. The set of silver rings on his right hand clinked against the steering wheel and each other in time with the chords of the guitar that resounded through the song blaring inside the vehicle.

Daria couldn't help but notice the black tribal armband tattoo that wrapped around his wiry bicep. She noticed the bottom edge of another tattoo as it peeked from under the short-sleeved green shirt the man seated beside her wore. She almost smirked at the fact that both Lane siblings seemed to have an affinity for multiple ear piercings.

"Thanks for the ride, Trent," said Jane as the song on the radio ended with a fade out.

"No problem," answered Trent in a deep, almost sultry slow voice. "I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight."

"Daria," Jane stated as she noticed her female friend's nervous expression. "Would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?"

"Depends on whether you drop it or not," chimed Alex from between the girls.

Trent gave a brief laugh punctuated by a short coughing fit, as he pulled the car to the edge of the sidewalk. The small gatehouse that marked the gated community Brittany lived in could be seen about twenty feet behind them.

"I'll let you off here," intoned Trent. "I have a problem dealing with authority."

"Sure you don't want to crash, bro?" inquired Jane as she batted her long eyelashes at her older brother.

"A high school party," he stated inquisitively. "Don't you think I'm a little mature for that?"

Jane shrugged and slid out of the car. Alex pulled himself out of the car and proceeded to stretch out his cramped legs before helping Daria exit the vehicle. Trent leaned over and pulled the passenger door closed with a loud clank.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," said Trent with a smile to his sister.

"That's a pretty short list there," retorted Jane.

"Later kids," the elder Lane called as the Satellite slowly began to pull away, its engine purring loudly in the night.

Alex and Jane gave short waves towards the car as Daria stood looking down at her boots.

"Bye," muttered Daria in a voice almost too soft to hear after the car had already pulled away.

"Nice conversational skills," teased Jane with a wide grin.

"I hate you," retorted Daria with a scowl.

The trio approached the guard station and was stopped by the middle-aged man wearing a poorly fitting security uniform. Alex restrained a chuckle as he noticed the fact that the uniform included a badge emblazoned with **Lawndale Security Force**.

"Can I help you?" the guard asked as he looked over the three teens.

"We're here for Brittany Taylor's party," replied Daria flatly.

"Names?" the guard asked curtly as he reached just inside the guardhouse's door and withdrew a clipboard.

"Daria Morgendorffer," stated Daria as she crossed her arms.

"Alexander Morgendorffer," stated Alex as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his green army jacket.

The guard flipped through a few pages and made two successive marks on the sheet.

"Okay, and you? What's your name?" he asked Jane curtly.

"Tiffany," replied Jane drawing sidelong glances from the Morgendorffer twins.

"There's gotta be _one,_" she said to her companions in a hushed voice.

The guard again flipped through several sheets on the list and turned back to Jane.

"Tiffany Hodge, Tiffany Duke, Tiffany Fairchild or Tiffany Blum-Deckler?" he asked.

"Uh... Tiffany Duke," replied Jane hesitantly.

"Strike! You're out," the guard exclaimed with a smug smile. "I made that one up."

_'Crap,' _thought Jane as a dejected look fell over her face.

"Oh... she's not on the guest list. Umm... she's..." stumbled Daria as she tried to come up with some plausible excuse.

"She's my date," blurted Alex.

The comment caused both girls to turn and stare at him.

"And your name is Tiffany Duke, huh," said the guard with a skeptical expression painted across his face.

"What a coincidence," Jane said as she looped her arm with Alex's and draped herself over him from the side.

* * *

The Taylor home bristled with the buzz of dozens of teenagers. Youths of varying ages milled about and circulated around the large living room. The decor of the room and adjoining foyer could only be described as Early African Jungle. An assortment of mounted and stuffed African animal heads adorned the walls along with canvas maps of the continent. Other youth's milled and danced in the family and dining rooms on the opposing side of the foyer.

Quinn leaned against the large doorway that connected the dining room to the larger living room. Jamie, Joey and Jeffy crowded closely to her and hung on every inane word she uttered.

"So I said, 'Just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them.'" stated Quinn.

The three boys nodded and voiced noncommittal announcements of feigned agreement to Quinn. Quinn sighed.

_'Is it too much to ask for an actual conversation,' _she thought to herself.

"I could use a snack," announced Quinn.

The three boys practically fell over each other as they ran to various points of the room to retrieve refreshments for the object of their shared affection.

Joey returned quickly holding a tall glass of ice cube laden lemonade.

"Here, I-I-I got you a drink," stuttered the eager boy as he practically shoved the glass into Quinn's hands.

Quinn looked at the offered beverage and scowled.

"This ice isn't crushed," complained Quinn.

"I'll go crush some," responded Joey with a dejected look.

"You know, Jeffy still sleeps with a teddy bear," he whispered as he turned and wandered across the dining room to get a new drink for Quinn.

Jeffy approached holding a large bowl of bite-sized pretzels. Quinn cast a quick glance to the table on the other end of the room confirmed the boy had simply brought her the bowl from the snack table. Jeffy extended to bowl towards Quinn and smiled widely.

Quinn crossed her arms, frowned then stated, "These aren't twisty."

Jeffy looked down at the bowl confused and said, "I'll go twist some."

As he turned back towards the snack table he leaned in near Quinn and whispered, "You know, Jamie's really a sloppy kisser."

"I heard it from a girl!" he exclaimed defensively in response to the startled and questioning look that graced Quinn's face.

Without another word, Jeffy turned and practically ran to the other side of the room.

Jamie approached passing the retreating Jeffy. He held out a single round snack cracker to Quinn and flashed his best smile.

"I like square crackers," Quinn started in a frustrated tone as she put her fists on her hips.

Jamie, thought for a moment and then proceeded to bite the rounded edges from the cracker.

"Here," he said extending the half eaten but now square cracker to the girl again. "You know Joey was with a..."

"Ugh, gross!" interrupted Quinn with obvious anger and frustration painted on her face.

_'Why do I even bother_?_' _the redhead asked herself as she stormed out of the den towards the foyer with her long red hair trailing behind her.

Joey and Jeffy returned to the doorway holding their assigned refreshments and stood beside Jamie. They peered around and turned to Jamie.

"Where's Quinn?" they asked in unison.

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jane stood before the large front door of the Taylor house. Daria reached up to ring the doorbell but let her extended finger hover over the button. She turned to Jane and her brother and asked, "You really want to do this?"

"You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them," said Jane with a grin.

"No, but it's a good reason to hate them," added Alex as he casually peeled Jane's arms from his own and stuffed his hands into their comfortable place in his jacket pockets.

A brief pout played across Jane's face for a moment before it was replaced with her usual jovial expression.

"Chin up, nose up," Jane stated in a haughty voice. She raised her chin to her normal eye level and looked down the bridge of her nose. "Let's go."

Daria's Mona Lisa smile played across her face for a moment and she pushed the button for the doorbell. The door swung open smoothly and the sounds of indecipherable music and a multitude of loud conversations poured from the open doorway. Brittany stood in the open space, still wearing her gold trimmed blue cheerleader's uniform.

"Daria, you're here! I'm so glad," chirped Brittany as she almost bounced in place at each word. "Now we're even!"

"Hey Brittany," replied Daria flatly.

"This is my **brother, **Alex," she continued hooking her thumb at the boy.

"This is Jane," said Daria shifting her hand towards Jane. "She wasn't invited, but she's good in art."

"But I have you for that," piped Brittany.

"Hmm ... what do you know about geometry?" asked the cheerleader as her face shifted to an almost thoughtful expression.

Alex sighed and grasped Jane's hand.

"She's my date," he said for the second time that evening, which prompted Jane to once again drape her self on his arm.

Brittany perked up and exclaimed "Wow! Come on in!"

Quinn walked to the edge of the living room and was about to step into the foyer when she heard the familiar sound of her sister's flat voice.

_'Crap why did **they** actually have to show up?' _Quinn asked herself as she ducked down behind the large ceramic tiger statue that stood beside the ornate staircase in the middle of the foyer. She peeked over the tiger's shoulder and saw Alex, Daria and Jane chatting with Brittany at the front door.

_'And they brought that weird artsy girl with them,' _she added mentally, noticing Jane.

_'Interesting,' _Quinn thought as she took note of the way Jane was practically wrapped around her brother's arm.

"There are drinks and snacks in the dining room," said Brittany as she extended her arms towards the open room just to the right of the foyer. Her Vannah White style pose drew a choked chuckle from Jane and caused a stifled smirk to play at the edges of Alex's lips.

"Alex, **daaaahling**," intoned Jane, emphasizing the last word. "Be a dear and fetch us some drinks."

Alex rolled his eyes and made his way to the refreshment table leaving the three girls standing at the door. Brittany smiled wandered off to continue her hostess duties.

"So," said Jane as she turned to Daria. "Ready to mingle?"

"Oh yeah," replied Daria flatly as she and the other girl headed into the dining room. "I'm a mingling machine."

Upon their departure, Quinn took the opportunity to vacate her hiding place. She made a beeline for the large family room to the left of the foyer, where she saw the other members of the Fashion Club conversing.

Daria and Jane walked through the crowd of their classmates and joined Alex at the long cloth-covered table. They examined the spread of snack chips, dips, chicken drummettes and assorted finger sandwiches neatly arranged around the large crystal punchbowl. The bowl was filled with ice cubes and what appeared to be lemonade.

"Look, two kinds of chips!" said Daria in a forced enthusiastic version of her voice as she examined the large bowl of mixed potato and tortilla chips.

"Flat or ridgy? You make the call," said Jane dramatically. "Alex what are your thoughts on the matter?"

The girls turned to see Alex standing behind them with a plate piled high with drummettes and finger sandwiches. He paused mid bite, his mouth full of chicken salad and mumbled a barely discernible, "What?"

"Mr. Morgendorffer," said someone behind Alex in a formal but cordial tone.

He swallowed the mouthful of food and turned to determine who had called his name. Seeing the grinning face of his friend pulled one corner of his lips into a half smile similar to one of his sister's. He set his still laden plate of food on the table beside him and turned to fully face the newcomer.

"Mr. Ruttheimer," replied Alex in a formal but cordial tone of his own as he extended his hand to the redhead freckled boy who now stood before him.

Charles Ruttheimer, III grasped the extended hand in a friendly shake.

"You're one of the last people I expected to see here Alex," replied the boy laughingly.

"You and I both Charles," remarked Alex with a smirk. "How did you manage to get punished with an invitation?"

"Oh, I just worked my irresistible magic on our fair hostess and she couldn't refuse my charms," stated Charles confidently.

"So you bribed her, and her sense of pity and charity took over," Alex reasoned jokingly.

"OK, OK," conceded Charles. "I dissected her frog in biology. There. Happy?"

"I'd probably be happier if I were anywhere but here," commented Alex.

Charles noticed Daria looking at her brother questioningly. He glanced at Jane who was staring at Alex with an expression that could not be described as anything other than disbelief.

"My dear friend," began Charles. "How could you be unhappy when you are accompanied by two such visions of loveliness as this."

"Ruttheimer... Charles Ruttheimer... The Third," said the boy as he held his hand out towards Daria.

Jane gave a small snort at the introduction. Daria simply continued to look at Charles with a bored and very disinterested expression while also ignoring the extended hand.

"Save the smooth talk buddy," remarked Alex with a chuckle.

"This is my sister Daria," he advised with a flat-palmed dramatic hand gesture.

Charles withdrew his neglected hand and continued to flash a toothy grin.

"I've seen you with her in AP Algebra," he commented indicating Daria. "However, I haven't had the pleasure."

"Something tells me, that statement applies to a large percentage of your social life," quipped Daria.

Alex chuckled and continued, "And this is Jane."

"Oh, I am familiar with Lawndale's resident _artiste extraordinaire_," interjected Charles, adding French laden emphasis to the title he bestowed to Jane. "How does this marvelous evening find you Ms. Lane?"

"It was finding me just fine until you got here, Upchuck," snarked Jane.

* * *

Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy stood in the middle of the Taylor's large family room. Sandi was currently having a conversation with a slimly built blond. Stacy gave little waves at the various teens that passed the group. Tiffany stood and quietly stared around the room. Quinn stormed into the room looking decidedly angry as she joined the rest of the Fashion Club.

"Why is it so hard for boys to get something as basic as a simple refreshment request right?" she asked aloud.

"Gee, Quinn," began Sandi. "I'm sorry your dates have been so horrible. Perhaps you should have thought of that before booking three for the party. Maybe restraining yourself to a single escort for the evening would have been prudent."

_'Serves her right for trying to show up the rest of us by snagging three of the football team,' _Sandi added mentally as a self-righteous smirk began to form on her face.

"Oh, I wouldn't say they've been horrible," remarked Quinn.

Quinn immediately saw that Sandi was attempting to turn the situation into something that could be used to make her look good at Quinn's expense.

"They are just a little ... uncoordinated," replied Quinn. "They've got a lot of potential. They just need someone to get them organized. And naaaaaturally you can't expect them to instantly know my personal preferences on the first date. I mean, they'd have to be psychic or something. No, it will probably take a few more dates to whip them into acceptable shape. It's not like I'm as popular or datable as _you, _Sandi. I have to make up in quantity what the rest of you have in quality."

Quinn finished her statement with a casual wave of her hand and a dramatic sigh.

"Well, before we were interrupted," replied Sandi in an obvious attempt to change the subject. "Tori was explaining the changes in the popularity scale of Lawndale."

Dawn hid a grin at how well Quinn had just played Sandi without leaving Sandi a way to turn it back around against the redhead.

"Where was I? Ah yes. Now, she used to be very popular," continued Tori, pointing at a petite brunette with an overly thin nose. "But then there was that unfortunate nose job."

The girls gave a collective shiver.

"Now, Those four aren't popular at all," said remarked Tori in a snobbish voice. "I don't know what they're doing here. Maybe some kind of exchange program."

The last comment caught the waning attention of both Tiffany and Stacy. They, as did Quinn and Sandi, turned to see Alex, Daria, Jane and Upchuck standing together in the Dining Room.

"But ... what's with that girl ... with the glasses?" asked Tiffany slowly. "Her face ... looks weird. All ... the same ... color.

Stacy squinted a bit as she examined Daria standing with the others.

"It's almost like ..." began Stacy.

"She's not wearing makeup," finished Tori.

Sandi scowled a bit deeper than normally at the realization.

"Is that a new look or something?" she asked.

"Dear God, I hope not," said the blond with a shiver.

"Didn't Joey say that he saw Quinn walking to school with them, or something?" asked Stacy.

_'Crap!' _thought Quinn.

"Well Quinn, would you care to explain your behavior?" inquired Sandi.

_'I could say that they are my cousins,' _Quinn thought. _'No, they'd never buy that. Well Tiffany would, but Sandi's too sharp for something like that.'_

Quinn's panicked expression quickly evened into a pained and sad visage.

"I didn't have a choice," whined Quinn. "She's my sister."

The admission drew a collective gasp from the other four girls.

"My dad's car was in the shop and he and Mom **made **me walk to school with them," continued Quinn as she forced her lip to quiver

She shifted her voice to a strained almost tearful tone and continued, "You don't know what it's like being forced to live with someone so ... unfashionable."

"Whoa Quinn ... you're sooo strong," droned Tiffany.

The comment drew a stare from Sandi who was almost reveling in Quinn's admission.

"Yeah, Quinn," added Stacy. "I mean having to live with people that unpopular and unfashionable must be really hard."

_'This is perfect,' _thought Quinn.

"And that the guy with them ... is my brother," stated Quinn dramatically.

"Ugh," remarked Sandi as she immediately noticed Alex's ever-present army jacket. "Doesn't he know that camouflage is like, so out of season?"

"They're brains. You can't expect a brain to understand current fashion trends," remarked Quinn.

"Unfashionable **and** brains?" asked Sandi with a disgusted expression.

Tori put a comforting arm around Quinn and said, "Oh, Quinn, it must be terrible for you."

"Well," began Sandi. "Under the circumstances, I believe this situation can be overlooked. Unfortunately, we can't pick our family. I, too, know the humiliation of being burdened with unfashionable siblings."

Quinn regained her composure and made a show of brushing her cheeks.

"Thanks you guys," she said, with a small smile.

* * *

"Ah, but where are my manners?" asked Charles as he bowed dramatically to Daria and Jane.

"Probably in the Witness Protection Program with your common sense," stated Daria flatly drawing a chuckle from her brother and friend.

"Since you've had the misfortune of being escorted by this odious character..." continued Charles with a grin and a nod to Alex. "I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It's free."

"Do you accept tips?" asked Daria.

Charles raised an eyebrow and replied, "Of course."

"Ditch the bangs," quipped Daria to Jane and Alex's mutual amusement.

Charles grinned even wider at the not so veiled insult and purred, "Feisty."

He then draped an arm over the shoulders of both girls and wiggled his eyebrows. Both girls shrugged the boy's arms off as Alex laughed aloud at his friend's antics.

"Come on, Romeo," chided Alex. "Give us the nickel tour."

As Alex and Upchuck began heading towards the stairs, Jane turned to Daria with a questioning look and asked, "Alex actually likes Upchuck?"

"Well considering we've had to settle for hanging with you, our social standards have fallen pretty low," teased Daria with a half smile as she began to walk after the boys.

Jane shrugged her shoulders and jogged to catch her retreating friends.

Charles led the other three expertly but casually through each section of the home, providing brochure-like descriptions regarding the architecture and decor. The group meandered around the upstairs rooms and breezed quickly through the familiar downstairs rooms. They lingered briefly around the moderately sized swimming pool and obviously unfinished Jacuzzi taking up a significant portion of the home's backyard. Eventually, their journey brought the group back to the main foyer. Charles continued to lead them to the far end of the room and stopped before a wide door beside the large staircase.

"And this..." stated Charles indicating. "Is the make-out room."

The last comment was made with an exaggerated hip thrust that drew yet another smirk from Alex and a pair of eye rolls from Daria and Jane.

"Confidentially, it's really the laundry room," said Charles continued in a hushed voice.

The boy knocked on the door a few times and yelled, "Hey! Don't lean on the buttons!"

"Can it, Upchuck, or I'll break your face!" came a muffled and threatening male voice from the other side of the closed door. A feminine giggle accompanied the warning as the four turned and walked back to the loitering groups of classmates in the front portion of the house.

"And that ends our tour of Case de Taylor. Thank you for flying the Ruttheimer Express. Ask me later about how to collect your frequent traveler credits," stated Charles with a wiggle of eyebrows towards Daria and Jane.

"I'm more interested in your refund policy?" asked Daria.

"Yeah, I'd like to get the last 10 minutes of my life back," added Jane.

"Fair maidens," cheesed Charles as he draped an arm around Daria and Jane's shoulders. "You wound me."

"Not yet," stated Daria with a scowl. "But that will quickly change if you don't take your arm off of me... **right**... **now**!"

Jane made no comment, but graced Upchuck with an icy glare.

"My friend," commented Alex with a grin and a shake of his head. "I think you better head out before more than your ego gets bruised."

"Sage counsel indeed," replied Charles as he quickly withdrew his arms from Daria and Jane.

"Mr. Morgendorffer," stated Charles in the same manner he had greeted the boy.

"Mr. Ruttheimer," responded Alex in similar fashion with a nod of his head.

The three watched the redhead boy disappear into the crowd.

"Now I know why they call him Upchuck," commented Daria. "More than a few seconds of exposure to him will make you want to vomit."

"He's really not a bad guy once you get to know him," responded Alex.

"Kind of like how mold isn't all bad because we got penicillin from it," snarked Daria.

Unlike most of his classmates, Alex found Charles' honesty and bluntness refreshing. Granted, those traits were wrapped in the, sometimes grating, poor man's James Bond persona. However, that was the trait that endeared Charles to Alex and opened the way for the two to become fast friends. Despite the numerous insults and rejections Alex had witnessed his friend be subjected to, nothing ever got Charles down. More importantly, in Alex's eyes, Charles never went out of his way to conform to someone else's perception of who and what he should be. Charles was unapologetically and unadulteratedly, Charles. He was always true to himself no matter what life, or the dysfunctional residents of Lawndale, threw at him.

"Actually he got the name after trying to ask Sandi Griffin out in junior high," commented Jane.

"Do I even want to know?" asked Alex with a raised eyebrow.

"He was even more annoying back then, if you can believe that," she replied before continuing.

"They were at the school carnival and she and the fashion drones had just come off of the Tilt-O-Whirl," informed Jane with a grin. "He walks up and gives one of his sleaze ball lines. Sandi turns seven shades of green... "

"She didn't..." began Alex with a wince.

"Oh yeah. All over his shirt and shoes. He ran home crying and covered in used pizza and diet soda," confirmed Jane. "And hence, Upchuck was born."

"Too bad there isn't a course for projectile vomiting," commented Daria. "Might come in handy for our next encounter."

"I'm gonna grab a drink," stated Jane as the trio entered the map and wicker bedecked living room. "You kids want anything?"

"I could use a refill," replied Daria looking at her almost empty cup.

Alex gave a small shake of his head but said nothing.

Jane took Daria's cup in her free hand and began to weave her way through the crowded foyer towards the dining room. Alex raised his glasses to rest above his eyebrows as he began to rub a spot between his eyes. Daria noticed the grimace on her brother's face and touched his shoulder.

"You OK, Lex?" Daria asked with a concerned tone.

"Headache," replied Alex shortly.

"Apparently even men are not immune to the Upchuck Affect," quipped Daria.

"No, it's just too noisy in here. I'm gonna find somewhere quiet to clear my head," Alex stated as he lowered his glasses back onto his nose.

"Want me to come with?" asked Daria, a worried expression clear on her face.

"Nah," answered Alex with a wave of his hand. "You enjoy the party and take notes for me."

With a small smile for his sister, the boy walked towards the stairwell and out of Daria's line of sight. Just then, Jane returned from her trip to the refreshment table and came to a stop beside Daria. She extended one of the cups she held to Daria and looked around.

"Where'd Alex go?" she asked.

"He had a headache," replied Daria as she took the offered drink. "He went to find a quiet place to clear his head."

"Fat chance of that here," said Jane as she began sipping from her own drink.

Lowering her cup, Jane noticed that she and Daria were being watched by a young man in matching blue shirt and pants and another in a green shirt and khaki pants standing across the dining room.

_'I wonder what their deal is,' _she thought to herself while examining the two.

"Those guys are looking at us," Jane softly spoke to her friend.

Daria looked up and followed her friend's line of sight and saw the two boys. Having caught the attention of both girls, the young men began to make their way across the room towards Daria and Jane.

"Don't they know we're from two different worlds? Regular and popular?" asked Daria sarcastically.

"The one in the green shirt is kinda cute..." mused Jane as she gulped down the remaining contents of her cup.

She glanced at Daria and noticed the look of disbelief painted on her bespectacled face and quickly added, "In a head-too-big-for-his-body kind of way... What?"

"Hey," stated the boy in blue as he and his friend came to a stop before the girls. "Partying hard or hardly partying?"

"Hardly interested," stated Daria curtly.

"So..." began the boy in green. "Where've you girls been all our lives?"

_'Wow,' _mused Jane with a smile. _'Last time I heard that line was when my Dad told the story about how he met Mom.'_

"Waiting here for you," replied Daria as her typically semi-monotone voice shifted to a true monotone. "We were born in this room. We grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin."

Jane winced at the verbal venom Daria was loosing on their would be suitors.

"She likes you," stated the blue clothed boy to his green clad companion.

The response drew a deeper scowl from Daria.

_'Cute, but not too bright,' _added Jane mentally as a small chuckle escaped her lips.

"How about you buy me a drink," she said to the Khaki wearing youth, drawing another scowl from Daria.

_'Dammit Jane! Don't leave me alone here,' _thought Daria angrily.

Jane leaned over and whispered, "Hey he's cute and interested. Sue me. You should try to have some fun, chica."

"But the drinks are free," answered the boy, drawing Jane's attention away from Daria.

Jane stepped beside the boy, looped her arm with his and said, "Don't ruin the moment by talking."

The two walked out of the living room and began heading towards the dinning room. The boy in green gave his buddy thumbs up and turned back to Daria.

After a few minutes of silence from Daria, the young man flashed a wide smile at her and asked, "So... what are you into?"

"Not you," responded Daria curtly as she brought her cup to her lips, turned her back and walked away, leaving the blue clad boy standing there open-mouthed.

* * *

Quinn stood in the den with a false smile expertly painted on her face. She barely registered what Sandi was saying. She had lost track of Alex and Daria and her eyes kept darting around the room on the lookout for either or both of her siblings. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie enter the room and all laid eyes on Quinn. They hurriedly made their way through the crowd to join her.

"Quinn! I'm glad we found you," stated Joey.

"We were looking all over," added Jeffy.

"I looked the hardest," interjected Jamie in his usual attempt to out do the other two.

The trio's boisterous interruption of her story caused Sandi Griffin to scowl.

Before she could acknowledge her trio of admirers, Quinn spotted her sister looking directly at her and casually walking in her direction.

_'Crap!' _she swore internally.

"Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom," the red head stated aloud as she began moving away from the boys and the members of the Fashion Club.

Joey perked up and asked, "You need some help?"

Jeffy elbowed Joey to the side and piped, "I'll go with you."

"It's the **bathroom!**_" _exclaimed Quinn with a shocked look on her face.

She turned and moved quickly to the middle of the room, meeting Daria half way.

Daria gave a small smirk as she saw Quinn hurriedly approach and let out a loud, "Hi, sis!"

Quinn paled a bit at the loud greeting. She grabbed Daria's arm and began to pull her out of the large family room.

"You... Me... Bathroom... Now!" stated Quinn shortly.

"That's good Quinn," snarked Daria as she and her sister reached the bathroom door. "Pretty soon you'll be able to form complete sentences."

Quinn pushed Daria through the door and locked it after following.

"Aren't you a little out of place here?" asked Quinn hotly.

"Well it is a bit too purple for my tastes," deadpanned Daria as she looked around at the exceedingly purple decorated bathroom and picked up a bar of lavender colored soap from beside the sink. "Although the lilac scent is actually rather relaxing."

"Just once can we be in the same place without you going out of your way to embarrass and humiliate me?" whined Quinn with her hands on her hips.

"Sorry, Quinn. But I am legally obligated to take advantage of every potentially humiliating and psychologically scarring situation that arises," replied Daria with her half smile. "It's in the International Older Sibling Accords."

"Speaking of older siblings," commented Quinn. "Where is Alex?"

Daria's smile faded as she stated, "He had a headache and went to look for a quiet place to 'clear his head'."

"What about that arty chick you were hanging with," inquired Quinn. "Joan, or was it Jean?"

"**Jane**," began Daria, emphasizing her friend's correct name. "... left me and is somewhere here with some guy. They are probably comparing tonsil sizes right now."

Quinn noticed the unsuccessful attempt of her older sister to mask her hurt with sarcasm. The younger girl lost much of her initial anger at the observation and decided not to make the quip perched on the tip of her tongue.

"If it's any consolation, I'm only pestering you as a last resort," continued Daria. "Before Jane and Lex decided to ditch me for greener pastures we were almost having fun. Now I have to amuse myself and naturally you came to mind as the most amusing thing here."

"Look," started Quinn. "What will it take for you to leave me and my friends alone for the rest of the night?"

"Twenty," stated Daria.

"Five," replied Quinn.

"Fifteen," haggled Daria.

Quinn reached into her pocket and pulled out her last two five-dollar bills. She held them out and said, "All I've got is ten."

"Well, I have been saving up for a pair of snappy orthopedic shoes," remarked Daria as she took the cash with her free hand. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"Why don't you look for Alex," offered Quinn. "Looks like he's not the only one who could use a little head clearing."

At that comment Quinn gave a small smile to Daria and exited the bathroom.

_'Wait a minute,' _thought Daria. _'Was Quinn just trying to be nice to me?'_

"Must be the lilac soap fumes," she mused aloud as she trod out of the bathroom, pocketing the cash and the bar of scented soap.

* * *

Alex leaned casually against the rail of the second floor veranda. He looked out over the Taylor's back yard. While the interior of the home had been filled with a cacophony of pop music and loudly talking teens, the moonlit veranda was a much more serene location. Only a light muffled buzz of conversation carried out to this point and the music was almost inaudible.

Alex let out another long sigh, relieved to be somewhere in which he could actually hear himself think. The sounds of the party increased for a moment. The hushed click of the veranda door closing that followed the party noise returning to its previously muffled levels drew his attention. He glanced over his shoulder and saw his twin standing in front of the door. Daria's arms were crossed in front of her and her half smile graced her lips.

"I'd offer a penny for your thoughts but considering how much free range space they have I think their value is a little more than one cent," she teased as she walked over to the rail and stood beside her brother.

"Sorry I ditched on you," said Alex. "But I was going to go all Scanners if I didn't get somewhere less noisy."

"I understand," said Daria. "I wouldn't be bugging you now but I made a deal to leave Quinn alone for the rest of the evening."

"Where's Jane?" Alex asked.

"Studying for a career as an orthodontist," remarked Daria flatly.

Alex raised an eyebrow and looked questioningly at his sister.

She rolled her eyes and explained, "Some guys were hitting on us after you left and she decided to go off somewhere to make out with one of them."

"I see," said Alex as he looked back out over the back yard.

A few moments of silence passed between the two.

"So, was the other guy a good kisser?" inquired Alex with a smile on his face.

Daria looked up at her brother with a wide-eyed and disgusted look on her face.

"That bad huh?" continued Alex chuckling.

"As if," remarked Daria playfully punching her brother's arm.

She leaned over a bit, her head rested against Alex's shoulder. Neither said another word as they looked up at the sky and enjoyed the silence.

* * *

"Quinn, I don't care if your family is full of brains. I would never hold it against you," said Jamie smoothly as he slid a hand into the small of Quinn's back.

_'That was almost sweet,' _thought Quinn as a glimmer of a smile began to form on her face.

"So, you want to go in the laundry room?" the boy continued.

_'Almost,' _came Quinn's mental addition accompanied with an eye roll.

"Hands off, Jamie," grumped Joey as he slapped Jamie's hand away from the redhead girl. "Quinn, you may come from a nerdy family but that makes your popularity, like, even more amazing. Now, why don't we ditch these two losers?"

"Take a hike, Joey," chimed Jeffy as he shouldered Joey aside to stand before Quinn. "Quinn, if you were my girlfriend, we could ignore your sister together. _Now_ will you go steady with me? At least for a couple of hours?"

The three fumed at each other for several long moments without a word. Quinn glanced at the faces of her three would be suitors and slowly backed away from them. Then, in the blink of an eye, the three J's were all over each other. Punches, shoves and kicks flew from the boys as they vented their frustrations upon each other.

* * *

"And you two wonder why everyone thinks you a couple instead of brother and sister," came Jane's voice.

The twins turned to see Jane walk through the veranda doors. Jane stepped up and leaned her back against the veranda rail beside Daria.

Daria looked at the other girl and asked, "What happened to 'Bobby Bighead'?"

"I wasn't really interested," said Jane unconvincingly.

"Too bad," commented Daria as she reached out and peeled a static adhered sock from Jane's jacketed shoulder. "Is this yours?"

Alex let out a subdued chuckle and Jane hung her head in defeat.

"Okay, fine," grumped Jane as she stared daggers at Daria. "He thought my head was a lollipop. Are we ready to go?

"I was ready to go before we got here," responded the still half-smiling Daria.

"Amen to that," added Alex as he stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets.

"Motion seconded," stated Daria. "Motion carried. This meeting is adjourned"

The three walked through the veranda door and approached the top of the staircase. A loud crash resonated from below. The music suddenly stopped and the sounds of a struggle were clearly audible. As the three looked down towards the foyer, the sight of Jamie, Jeffy and Joey pushing, shoving and otherwise trying to pummel each other caused the three outcasts to glance at each other.

"Then again you might be able to convince me to stay a bit longer," quipped Daria.

"I think the party just got interesting," commented Alex with a smile.

"Oh, this is gonna be good," stated Jane with a grin as she fished her camera from the pocket of her black jacket.

Alex, Daria and Jane walked cautiously down the stairs and into the dining room, where the fracas was occurring. Mack strode over to join the twins and Jane.

"Hey Mack," greeted Alex without even looking up from the three boys struggling on the floor.

"Hey," replied Mack.

"Do I even want to know what started this?" asked Jane as he watched the boys fight.

"Oh I have a theory or two on that," commented Daria as she glanced towards the Fashion Club and saw the silly smug smile on Quinn's face.

"As amusing as this is, shouldn't someone break this up?" asked Alex as he glanced over at Mack.

Mack's shoulders dropped as he mumbled, "Damned sense of responsibility."

He and Alex cautiously approached the three fighting boys who had somehow worked their way into the foyer and were fighting in front of the laundry room. Joey swung a punch that was ducked by Jeffy, but managed to connect with Jamie's face. Jamie dropped to a sitting position holding his jaw. The other two continued fighting each other as Alex moved over to the sitting brawler.

"Come on man," stated Alex as he helped pull Jamie to his feet. "Let's get you somewhere out of the line of fire."

The still stunned Jamie did not recognize that Alex was not one of the other two J's. He forcefully shook off Alex's hands, planted his shoulder into Alex's stomach and violently drove his perceived attacker into and through the laundry room door. Alex slammed painfully into the washing machine.

"Ouch," moaned Alex as he clutched his stomach and slid down into a sitting position in the small room.

Jamie's head clipped the laundry room door as he plowed Alex through it, and he lay on the foyer floor dazed.

"OH NO!!" shouted Brittany.

"OK, that's enough you two," chastised Mack as he shoved himself between the battling Joey and Jeffy, separating them by an arms length.

The two boys each grabbed a shoulder of the larger football player and shoved him backwards. Mack fell backwards, arms flailing ... directly into Jane, who had moved before the broken laundry room door to check on Alex. Mack thumped forcefully into the girl, causing her to stumble forward and trip over the fallen door. Alex managed to get to his feet long enough to get knocked off of them again by the flailing Jane. She fell unceremoniously onto Alex who reflexively wrapped his arms around the girl as they both fell backwards to the floor with a painful thump.

"Ouch again," complained Alex.

"You OK?" asked Jane.

The two began to chuckle but were brought out of their moment of levity by a voice behind them.

"Say cheese."

Alex and Jane, still sprawled over each other, turned their heads to the now open doorway. They saw Daria standing there with a small disposable camera held to her eye. The moment the two looked up, their vision was filled with the camera's flash and the bespectacled girl's smirk.

"Come on you two," teased Daria as she reached out a hand to Jane. "You can finish making out after the Neanderthal Triplets finish pummeling each other into goo."

"Hey!!" exclaimed Jane and Alex in unison before they took note of their visually compromising positions and began to blush brightly.

Jane accepted Daria's hand and regained her footing. She retrieved her own camera from Daria and turned to help Alex to his feet.

"That is definitely the last time I try to be a Good Samaritan," stated Alex as he rubbed his sore stomach and exited the now doorless laundry room.

"Amen to that," came Mack's voice.

The trio turned and noticed the dark-skinned boy as he stood from his own fallen position.

Another extremely loud crash drew the four back to the dining room where two of the three J's were still slugging it out.

Joey and Jeffy traded punches from standing positions and were steadily moving their fight back into the dining room. Jamie slowly gathered himself from his prone position and shook his head in an attempt to clear it. His eyes locked on the other two brawlers and he charged across the foyer towards the other two competitors. He leaped and flying tackled Jeffy from behind, causing both of them to slam brutally into Joey. The momentum of the tackle caused the three to land heavily on the food and beverage-laden table, spilling chips, dip and cups of lemonade on the floor. The impact also served to launch the half full punch bowl into the air.

Time seemed to slow down as the non-combatants watched the glass bowl arc through the air. Just as the bowl began its downward travel, Kevin dove and slid across the carpet with arms outstretched. He caught the bowl inches from the floor. However, its contents continued their course, spilling over the lip of the bowl and showered Quinn's legs, shoes as well as the surrounding carpet with a torrent of ice-laden lemonade.

Quinn stood stock still with a shocked expression. She slowly looked down and saw that her jeans from the knee down and her shoes were much darker than they should have been. She felt the cold liquid squish between her toes and along the bottom of her feet as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. The brief silence was broken by the clicks of Jane and Daria's cameras. The flashes broke Quinn out of her shocked state.

"Oh, no! These shoes are suede!" she yelled.

_'Ouch,' _thought Alex with a visible wince. _'Those were $100 shoes.'_

The redhead looked up at her three battling dates, scowled and stormed out of the room, leaving wet footprints in her wake.

Kevin righted himself, holding the now empty punch bowl and walked across the dining room to stand beside Brittany.

"Nice catch Kevin," commented Mack as he casually approached Brittany and Kevin's position.

"Alright!" exclaimed Kevin with his goofy grin.

With that shout, as he had so many times before after being congratulated on a nice catch, the quarterback raised the object he was holding and brought it down at his feet in celebration. Unfortunately his ill-developed mind had forgotten that he held a glass punch bowl and not a football.

Jane knew exactly what was going to happen and reflexively brought the camera up. She managed to capture several high speed shots of the bowl as it impacted the lacquered divider separating the dining room from the foyer. The bowl shattered loudly and spectacularly into several large sections and hundreds of smaller glass fragments.

"Kevy!!" came Brittany's high-pitched scream as she and the others near Kevin jumped back to avoid the shower of sharp glass fragments.

She then stalked back over and glared at Kevin with hands balled into fists on her hips.

His girlfriend's angry use of his name brought Kevin back to reality. He looked down at the remains of the glass bowl, and then up at the fuming cheerleader.

He then gave his befuddled grin, shrugged his padded shoulders and said, "Oops."

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jane stood on the bottom of the front porch and watched the police cars withdraw from the circular driveway of the Taylor home. Their departure heralded a mass Exodus of their classmates and other less identifiable teens.

"So, have fun?" inquired Jane with a small smile.

"Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, we got to see Quinn want to throw herself down a well, watched three jocks beat each other to a bloody pulp, you and Alex got to spend some quality time in the 'Make Out' room ..." began Daria.

"Hey!" exclaimed Alex and Jane in unison.

Daria smiled and continued, "...and I'm going home with a bonus sock, a bar of scented soap and some lovely blackmail material."

At the last comment, Daria waved her disposable camera in the air before pocketing it again and said, "All in all, a great night."

"Remind me to never go to another party held by the popular kids," whispered Alex to Jane.

"Deal," replied Jane with a grin and a wink to Alex.

"Don't make me get the hose you two," teased Daria.

Quinn walked through the home's open front door and caught sight of her siblings and Jane.

"Can I get a ride with you guys," came Quinn's voice from behind the three.

Daria and Alex turned to see their sister hesitantly approaching their group.

"You show up with three dates and have to bum a ride with us?" asked Alex with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, what happened to your fan club?" asked Daria dryly.

Quinn gave a small sigh and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"The cops called their parents and now they have to get home immediately, no stops. So I'm stuck. It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny?" responded Quinn as she paused, searching for the right word. "Moronic."

"I believe the word you're looking for is **I**ronic," remarked Alex, putting emphasis on the first syllable.

"She was right the first time," responded Daria with a half smile. "Although, even if we wanted to, we couldn't give you a ride."

"Jane's brother dropped us off and was supposed to pick us up again," added Alex.

"Even if Trent actually managed to wake up in time to get us, the party wasn't supposed to end for another two hours," stated Jane.

"So it looks like we are all in the same boat little sister," remarked Alex as he patted Quinn on the top of her head.

"From the sound of Quinn's shoes, I think she could us a boat right about now," stated Daria as she noted the amusing squish her sister's shoes made with each movement of her feet.

Quinn would have normally rebuffed her brother for mussing her well-tended hair. However, performing her usual political gymnastics with Sandi, her Oscar winning performance for the attending queens of popularity, and the humiliation of being deluged by the flying punch bowl had drained any energy the petite redhead would have normally vented at her older siblings.

_'Ugh, I just wanna go home,' _complained Quinn mentally as she leaned against her brother.

"You want to call Mom and Dad?" asked the girl aloud, albeit in a hushed and tired voice.

"And shift the balance of power?" asked Daria with a single raised eyebrow.

"I guess we're walking then," stated Alex.

Quinn looked down at her still damp legs and feet, and then whined, "But my shoes are all squishy."

The wounded puppy look on Quinn's face caused Alex to refrain from voicing the multitude of jokes running through his head. All four took notice of the yellow Volvo stop before them. Charles rolled down the window and hung an arm on the ledge.

"Hey Alex," greeted the boy. "You and your entourage of beauties in need of assistance?"

"I don't mind the walk," commented Alex looking to his female accompaniment.

He noticed Quinn sadly looking at her shoes, and almost let slip a chuckle as he heard a faint squish from the dejected girl's sodden shoes.

"But who are we to turn down a free ride?" finished Alex. "Shotgun."

Charles slid out of his car and opened the rear door of his car.

"It is a pleasure to be a knight in shining armor for such lovely maidens in distress," cheesed Charles with a deep and overly dramatic bow to Daria, Jane and Quinn.

"Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?" asked Daria flatly, prompting a grin from Jane and a small unnoticed smile from Quinn.

"By the way, you owe me ten bucks," said Jane as she walked past Alex towards the open rear door.

As Daria and Jane slid into the back seat of the vehicle, with the younger sister sandwiched between the older girls. Once all three girls were seated, Charles closed the back door and took the drivers seat again.

Alex quickly circled the car and slid into the front passenger's seat. He closed the door carefully and turned to face the girls in the back.

"I don't think what happened qualifies," remarked Alex.

Upchuck gave a questioning look to his friend and asked, "What are you two talking about?"

"Jane bet me that someone would slip alcohol into the lemonade tonight," replied Alex with a sigh.

Daria smirked and interjected, "Actually, I believe her exact words were, _'Ten bucks says someone **spikes** the punch bowl.'_ "

Upchuck was silent for a moment. A confused expression played briefly on his face, before his brow unfurrowed and he began laughing heartily.

"Technically, the beauteous Ms. Lane would be within her rights to expect payment... given the specific terms of the wager," Charles stated as he recovered from his boisterous laughter.

"Damn legal technicalities," grumped Alex as he fished a ten from his wallet and handed it back to the dark haired artist.

"Oh don't be like that Alex," soothed Jane. "Admit it. It was funny."

"You wouldn't think it was so funny if **your** shoes were full of lemonade," commented Quinn.

"You could always stop by my place and dry them off," sleazed Upchuck with a wink in his rear view mirror.

"Stuff a sock in it, Upchuck," stated Quinn as she crossed her arms scowled from the back seat.

"Rrrrrr, Feis..." began Charles.

His comment turned into an unintelligible mumble as Quinn snatched the sock protruding from Daria's jacket pocket, reached up from her spot in the center rear seat and shoved the footwear into Charles' mouth.

The remaining drive was punctuated by chuckles from Alex and Jane. Daria simply crossed her arms and let the half smile that played at her lips slip into a full smile. That smile stayed in place for the entire ride home.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Once again thanks to Natalia173 for agreeing to Beta for me.

I tried not to lean so heavily on canon for this chapter as I did in chapter 1. Naturally there are some scenes and conversations/dialogue/interactions that are just too good to omit. So I tried to simply flesh them out a bit more without gutting the heart of what they added.

I look forward to comments, criticism and reviews. They help me stay on track with the actual chapter I am supposed to be working on :)

Some dialog and general story concept from: _The Invitation_ by Anne D. Bernstein

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria.


	4. Sleepover Easy

It took me a while to get this done because I was working on this and the next chapter simultaneously before I made the final decision to combine the two. I also didn't originally intend this chapter to become the monster it became (lengthwise) but it did :)

Add to that a few layoffs in my department and having to be cross-trained in an associated department and my workload has tripled at work, cutting my writing time by an equal amount. Unfortunately I get most of my writing done at work so you can see why it took so long to get this done.

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Sleepover Easy**

Helen's red SUV rolled casually down the street on a bright Sunday afternoon as the family headed toward the freeway.

"It sure was nice seeing Doug and Susan again," commented Jake as he relaxed somewhat behind the wheel of the SUV.

"I can't believe Ramona is already reading at three," mused Helen aloud from the front passenger seat.

"What's so unbelievable about it Mom?" asked Alex.

"Its just so young," remarked Helen.

"Lex and I were reading books with no pictures at that age," added Daria.

"True," replied Helen. "However, you have to admit that you two are the exception, not the rule."

"Quinn could recite The Giving Tree from memory at Ramona's age," added Alex.

"Some day, she'll actually advance beyond that reading level," quipped Daria, which drew a glare from her younger sister.

"Though, you do need to start seriously considering your options for college. More importantly, getting into a good college," Helen continued.

"One more time," began Daria with a roll of her eyes. "We're not taking a college prep course."

"Yeah," added Alex. "We're already in every advanced placement class Lawndale offers. When we graduate high school, we'll already have credits towards our core classes when we do go to college."

"Kids, the courses cover the application process as much as the testing and curriculum sides of college life. If you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion," Helen announced.

Both twins crossed their arms in front of them and scowled angrily.

"Way to go, Mom," chimed Quinn with a smug smile. "They can't get their way all the time."

"Actually, Quinn," interjected Helen. "It wouldn't hurt if you took some preparatory courses too."

"Wait a minute!" argued Quinn as the smile faded from her face.

Daria leaned over to Quinn and said, "Maybe we can sit together."

Alex smiled at his youngest sister and said, "I'll even let you borrow my pencil."

Quinn's eyes grew wide and she whined, "Mooooooom!"

"Alexander! Daria! Stop teasing your sister," commanded Helen.

"For the record I've already been researching colleges," remarked Daria. "And quite a few have impressive Literary Arts programs."

"That's great Kiddo!" beamed Jake. "What about you Alex?"

"Actually, he's just going to skip college and stay home," replied Daria flatly with a wink to her brother. "It'll save him the trouble of moving back in later."

"WHAT!" exclaimed Jake as turned to face his children seated behind him, swerving into the next lane suddenly.

"JAKE!" yelled Helen, drawing Jake's focus to the road ahead as he barely avoided hitting another car before straightening the SUV out in his lane. "Watch the road!"

"She's joking Dad. I'm not planning on moving back in with you and Mom," reassured Alex.

"Oh," stated Jake looking a little confused before smiling. "Good one."

"I plan on playing music for tips in the park," Alex joked, returning his sister's wink. "I've already got a nice spot reserved with the rest of the homeless under the bridge in Lawndale Park."

"GAH!!" yelled Jake as he swerved into the next lane a second time.

"JAKE!!" shouted Helen a second time. "Focus on the road. And children stop teasing your father while he's driving."

"Sorry Mom," apologized Alex, forestalling further quips from his twin.

He leaned over to Daria and whispered, "As much fun as ambulance rides are, I'd rather get to the hospital in the car... and in one piece."

"Fair enough," replied Daria.

She made a gesture of locking her lips with and throwing away an imaginary key.

* * *

"Everything looks good," commented the doctor as he looked over the documents in the open manila folder.

The balding man, in his white lab coat, turned away from the desk in the small white tiled room and moved to stand beside the examination table where Alex sat with his black short-sleeved t-shirt folded casually across his lap. His camouflage army jacket hung from a hook on the back of the exam room door. The doctor gave Alex a warm smile as gestured for the boy to hold out his right arm.

"You've been doing strength and weight training routines with a physical therapist for about 3 months now?" the white coated man asked as he carefully took Alex's arm at the bicep and began examining the boy's shoulder area.

"Yes sir," replied Alex flatly. "Every day at the beginning, but just once, every two weeks now. I've been on a home exercise regiment for the past month or so."

"And looks like you've been sticking to it," the man continued as he noted the toned definition in the boy's arm and shoulder.

The doctor took an additional moment to examine the flat, 2-inch long scar on the front of the boy's shoulder, where it met his pectoral muscle. He moved around the table a bit behind Alex. As expected he saw a longer 6-inch scar, which meandered almost vertically down from the skin above middle of the joint to the area at the bottom point and just beyond the outside edge of the boy's shoulder blade.

"Yes sir," the boy affirmed again.

"Free weights?" inquired the man.

"No sir. Well a little," the boy responded. "Mom got us a Nautilus as soon as we found out I'd need to continue my rehabilitation from home."

"The physical therapist I had before we moved explained how to balance and adjust my workout until my right arm and shoulder caught back up with my left," the boy responded. "Most of the research I've done also stressed the importance of balanced exercises to maintain muscle proportion."

"Good to hear. Most of my patients are members of the athletic teams from the surrounding colleges," responded the doctor with an honest smile. "They tend to focus only on the regimen that are part of their therapy and stop doing their normal exercise routines entirely."

Alex raised an eyebrow at the comment then nodded in understanding.

"Rehabilitative tunnel vision," mused the boy aloud.

"That is probably the best description I've ever heard for it. I just might have to borrow that one from you," the doctor said with a chuckle at the comment. "I have to say, most of the kids… hell most of the adults I work with usually aren't as well informed or proactive in their recovery as you seem to be."

The doctor finished examining Alex's back and moved back to a position to the front of the boy.

"Have you been experiencing any pain or numbness?" asked the man as he made a notation to Alex's file.

"Some sir," replied the young man. "Mostly first thing in the morning."

"Well, that's not unusual with the type of injury you sustained," the doctor remarked before he paused and looked Alex in the eyes.

"I'm not the kind to walk on eggshells around anyone, and you strike me as the kind who appreciates honesty," stated the doctor.

Alex nodded.

"Why didn't you want your parents in here for your examination?" the doctor asked candidly.

"Sir?" asked Alex, caught off guard by the question.

"Don't call me 'sir' son. I work for a living," remarked the doctor with a smile and a wink to his patient. "You can call me John, or Doctor Madison if you prefer."

Despite his initial trepidation, Alex found the doctor's personable attitude relaxing. The man's bedside manner was a far cry better than many of the other doctors and nurses he had dealt with in the past year. Alex actually appreciated the doctor being straightforward with him. Most of the others in the past had tended to treat him like an ignorant child. And while he may still be a child, ignorant was not a term that had ever applied to him.

"I'm just curious as to why you asked your folks to stay outside while I gave you your checkup," continued Dr. Madison.

Alex took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering.

"To be perfectly honest, I just figured the exam would go smoother without them in here," the boy answered honestly.

Dr. Madison raised an eyebrow, but only responded by sliding a stool over and sitting down beside the boy.

"They both feel guilty for me getting hurt," the boy began. "They're both extremely busy and can't be as… involved, as they'd like to be. Their hovering over-protectiveness tends to rear its head during my checkups and rehab sessions. They have a habit of turning a simple 30 minute checkup or physical therapy session into a 2 hour production."

_'Especially Dad,'_ Alex mentally added.

He smiled a bit when he recalled the first time his father had accompanied him to physical therapy.

_'It's probably a good thing we were in a hospital,'_ he mused with a smile.

Dr. Madison broke into a series of chuckles and stated, "Oh yeah, I've definitely had my fair share of that type. And you have my thanks for sparing an old man at least one headache for the day."

The older man gave another warm smile, which Alex found himself unable to resist returning.

"Anyway," began the doctor. "Back to the matter at hand. Oh you can put your shirt back on by the way."

Alex lifted his black shirt from his lap and pulled it on over his head.

"As I'm willing to bet you already knew, persistent, recurring pain in your shoulder and occasional numbness in your arm are to be expected at this stage of your recovery," the doctor continued. "Even with rehabilitation, it's possible you'll experience mild pain and soreness for the rest of your life."

Alex merely nodded and replied, "Nothing unexpected there."

_'My trainer and all the info I found in those online medical journals said pretty much the same thing,'_ he thought.

"Nothing aspirin or any other off the shelf ibuprofen knock-off won't take care of," said the doctor. "Aside from that, everything shows you've regained your full range of motion and tactile dexterity with no complications. Your muscle tone and performance is where they should be. Hell son, you're in better shape now than I was in my prime. "

"Almost three years at a military school before the accident and eight months of physical therapy and strength training after will do that si... um Dr. Madison," replied Alex. 'Well 6 months of actual strength training after I healed up enough.'

"Well, I'm going to have you come in for two more monthly checkups. Otherwise, I don't really see a need for you to continue coming back for physical therapy sessions," commented the doctor as he made the appropriate notes in Alex's file. "I'm ready to stamp 'FULL RECOVERY' on you and send you on your merry way."

That did bring a smile to Alex's face. He most definitely had not relished spending over half of the last year dealing with doctors, nurses, physical therapists and a whole host of other medical practitioners on a weekly (and at the beginning daily) basis. Being presented with the prospect of no longer having to see the inside of another hospital or doctor's office (barring the usual illness or emergency) was a welcome revelation indeed.

Dr. Madison saw the poorly masked elation in the his young patient's eyes and chuckled.

"Guess that means you'll need to find some other productive activity on the weekends to take up your valuable lounging time," joked Dr. Madison.

"Guess we better go break the bad news to my parents," Alex replied with a smirk.

He and the doctor exited the examination room and walked casually towards the waiting room, and the other members of the Morgendorffer clan.

* * *

The majority of the Morgendorffers sat at the kitchen table that evening. Alex and Daria sat beside each other, reading quietly from the Arts & Entertainment and Current Events sections of the newspaper respectively. Helen gabbed away on her cell phone. Jake stood at the stove slowly stirring a large steaming pot while keeping an eye on a slightly smaller pot.

"Yes Eric… Of course Eric… I've already got the brief… Well of course we should pursue the faulty packaging angle…" rambled Helen as she carried on a conversation with her boss.

"I'll go back over the file tonight and give you a option first thing in the morning… good bye Eric," she finished with a forceful but civil tone.

Helen bushed the end button on her cell phone and slid into her chair at the diner table.

"I swear that man would loose his head if it wasn't attached," she though aloud.

"With duct tape," quipped Daria quietly.

"I thought it was superglue," replied Alex.

"No that's what his toupee is attached with," responded Daria.

"Now where was I before we were interrupted?" inquired Helen.

"Still clinging precariously to a lower-middle rung of your law firm's professional ladder?" deadpanned Daria.

Helen rolled her eyes in response to her oldest daughter's cynical jibe.

"Now kids I expect you to take full advantage of the _Preparing for College_ course your high school is offering," Helen continued.

"I was serious yesterday about being prepared for college," Helen stated as she began retrieving ceramic bowls from the kitchen cupboards. "While we may not have to worry about the financial aspects of your education thanks to the settlement… You still need to put in an effort to be accepted to a good school and this course will help in that regard."

"We know that mom," responded Alex. "Dia was serious when she said that she's been researching colleges since freshman year."

_'Well that's reassuring,'_ though Helen with a smile.

She had assumed Daria was just playing lip service the previous day.

"Well, your sister seems to be on top of her plans for college. What about you young man?" Helen asked.

"Actually I've been checking out schools for the both of us," responded Daria.

"Alex has been a little preoccupied with other concerns, to spend a lot of time looking into colleges for the past year," she continued with a hard glare towards her mother.

Helen's smile fell as she was once again was reminded of the difficulty their family, particularly the twins, had been forced to endure for the past few years.

"Well..." she began again. "Now that Alex doesn't have any further rehabilitation sessions, it should free up some time to start looking into and preparing for college."

"Way ahead of you Mom," replied Alex hoping to diffuse the mounting tension between his sister and mother, at least temporarily. "In fact we were going over some of our top picks before we came down for diner."

"Any good prospects?" asked Jake cheerily as he approached the table.

He set the larger metal pot down on an elevated and insulated stand before he returned to a smaller pot still on the stove.

"A few," Daria answered. "We were a little worried at first about finding a college that had a solid literary and music programs…"

"So I take it then, that you're making plans to attend the same college?" interrupted Helen.

Daria gave her mother an honestly inquisitive look, which indicated she hadn't conceived of any differing scenario, and asked, "Why wouldn't we?"

Just as Helen was about to reply to Daria's question, Jake began to rummage noisily through the cabinets and commented loudly, "Now where'd I put that dammed chili powder? Oh well Chili flakes are just as good."

"Dad," stated Alex, which drew his father's attention. "You already added extra chili powder to the 5-alarm pot."

"Are you sure?" asked Jake scratching his chin.

"Remember, I handed you the bottle when we came downstairs," the boy continued.

"Oh," said Jake with a confused look. "Guess this is done."

With that, Jake brought the small pot to the table and set it beside the larger pot. He then began ladling a liberal amount of steaming chili into his ceramic bowl.

"Daria, it's nice that you are helping your brother look into college prospects," said Helen as she resumed her train of thought. "But I don't want you, either of you, to overlook an opportunity."

Alex took note that his father's full attention seemed to be focused on the task of shoveling chili into his mouth, seemingly oblivious to the last portions of the conversation occurring around him.

"Actually Mom," remarked Daria. "Looking for colleges with literary and musical programs has helped us pinpoint the schools with more robust curriculum."

"That's wonderful, Daria," replied Helen. "But, there's more to college than what can be found in text books and class rooms. A large part of the college experience is learning to be more… independent," continued Helen. "More… self-sufficient. Isn't that right Jake?"

"Huh?" mumbled Jake with a mouth full of chili.

"Do try to pay attention Jake," remarked Helen with a sigh. "I'm trying to explain to the children that they shouldn't overlook some of their college prospects if it means they can't attend the same school."

"The kids are going to the same college?" asked Jake before he broke into a wide smile. "That's great!"

Jake lifted his chili-laden spoon and his smile shifted into a concentrated frown. "I wish I'd had a familiar face or two around when I went off to Middleton. Would have made the transition from home life to college a lot easier to deal with, let me tell you!"

Both twins gave a small smile to their clueless father.

"If you can call it a home life," continued Jake as he launched into one of his legendary rants. "Though it's not like I would have wanted to see any of those jerks from Buxton again! Knowing my luck, Corporal Ellenbogen would have ended up being my RA, and I would have spent my entire college career doing drills and peeling potatoes too!"

"Jake! Focus," chastised Helen.

"Huh," remarked Jake as he came down from his angry rant. "Oh…sorry... Yeah kids… same school. Yeah I'm sure it will be much easier for you two at college together. I'll bet you can help each other study and stuff!"

Helen gave a defeated sigh, shook her head and decided to simply finish her diner.

* * *

After spending an extra three hours in the Preparing for College course with many of their classmates, Alex, Daria and Quinn walked into the kitchen to see their parents sitting at the table. Jake read from the newspaper while Helen perused several sheets arranged beside her open briefcase. When the kids entered, Helen set down the brief she had been reading.

"How was the class?" she asked with an expectant expression.

Quinn took the seat to the left of her father as Daria took the chair to his right.

_'I should probably break it to her easy,'_ thought Daria with a small smile as she slid into the chair beside her father.

"Let's see," she began aloud. "The instructor appeared to be a desperate grad student from a local community college, most likely doing this just for the credit hours. He started off by droning on for half an hour on the do's and don'ts of taking a multiple-choice test…

"With extra emphasis on the 'True-False' portion," added Alex as he opened the fridge and began to rummage for a snack.

"After that, came another half hour of 'Knowing when and when not to skip a test question'," the bespectacled girl continued.

"Then we filled out a worksheet about our 'aspirations and goals'…" chimed in Alex, adding a haughty emphasis on the latter portion.

"And that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money," finished Daria as she reached for the portion of the newspaper her father wasn't reading.

"Daria!" whined Quinn. "You left out the best part."

"Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you," replied Daria.

"It's not a date," remarked the redhead. "We're meeting to 'discuss scholarship options'."

"News flash Pip, we don't need scholarships, remember?" commented Alex as he closed the refrigerator door and sat down between Daria and his mother.

"Besides, there's no such thing as a 'making-out scholarship'," stated Daria with a half smirk.

"Uh, excuse me, but I think **he** would know better than **you**," retorted Quinn disdainfully. "Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip."

"What trip?" asked Jake as he lowered his newspaper.

"We're supposed to arrange a visit to a college of our choice," added Alex.

"That's great kids!" exclaimed Helen. "We'll go to Middleton! I'm sure we can setup a trip next week."

"Actually mom, the course will be over by then. We're supposed to make our visit this weekend," intoned Daria.

"Well, we'll all just have to head up to the old alma mater this weekend!" cheered Jake enthusiastically.

"We can't Jake," interjected Helen. "Remember we have the 'Marital Magic' retreat this weekend."

"Oh yeah," responded Jake as his wide smile shifted into a frown and then back to a smile. "Oh yeah!"

"Well then," stated Daria with a smile. "Guess we can forgo the remaining classes since the rest of the course is supposed to be retelling our visits and what we learned."

"Good," chirped Quinn as she reached for the phone. "Maybe I can still reschedule my dates for the week."

"Now, Quinn... Just because you can't complete the trip portion is no reason to completely give up on the class," rebutted Helen. "They may still be more you can get out of the class."

"We checked with the instructor. We've already done and covered everything in the course except for the parts involving the college visit," responded Alex.

"It would be pretty much a waste of time to keep going since we wouldn't get credit for anything else in the class," added Daria.

Helen frowned a bit at that, but couldn't fault her children's logic.

"Well, as much as I am loathe to see you drop out of the course, I guess you're right," Helen admitted.

All three Morgendorffer children smiled at their victory before their mother continued, "However, we'll have to look into visiting a college or two in the near future, I still want..."

Helen's statement was cut short by the ringing of her cell phone. Daria and Alex smirked to each other as their mother wandered out of the kitchen rambling to her boss Eric about the latest disaster with the case.

"Well looks like we've been granted a temporary stay of execution," remarked Alex as he watched his mother exit the kitchen.

"At least we get **this** weekend to ourselves," added Daria. "No parental stress for the better part of three days."

Quinn perked up at that thought. She turned to Jake and put on her cutest look.

"Oh Dad..."

* * *

Helen Morgendorffer descended the stairs of her home on a quiet Friday morning. She strained a in an effort to keep the large suitcase in her right hand from rubbing against and wrinkling the knee length skirt of her blue business dress suit. She used the medium sized travel bag in her left hand to counter balance the weight of the suitcase. Once at the bottom of the stairs, she set the heavy case down and took note of her three children sitting in various places in the moderately sized living room.

Each appeared to be content spending the reprieve from school, granted by The Teacher Work Day, at home. Alex and Daria each held a thick paperback book as they lounged in the middle of the blue sectional sofa, both still clad in their sleepwear. Daria wore a large baggy short-sleeved shirt that extended down to mid-thigh of the equally baggy gray jogging pants she wore. Alex wore a plain black sleeveless muscle tee, which displayed his arms, and pair of gray cotton shorts, which also displayed his equally well-muscled legs. Quinn sat in the love seat near the living room table in a pair of long pink pajama pants and matching short-sleeved pajama top.

The twins were positioned with their backs to each other and legs slightly bent, but stretched out on the sofa. Each had a subdued smile on their faces as they read their respective novels. The manner in which they leaned against and supported each other was reminiscent of a set of life-sized bookends. Quinn was surrounded by numerous bottles of nail polish, cotton balls/swabs, paper towels and other beauty supplies. The young redhead glanced up at her mother before she carefully readjusted the thick cotton dividers wedged between each toe and resumed the meticulous application of polish to her toenails.

"Now kids, I expect you to behave while your father and I are at the couples' retreat in McHenry," stated Helen as she set both suitcases down.

"Don't worry Mom," replied Daria as she turned to the next page in her novel. "We'll try to survive."

Jake entered the living room from the door that connected it to the house's front facing garage. He brushed his hands against his khaki slacks briefly before retrieving the large suitcase at Helen's feet.

"The number for the resort is on the fridge and your father and I will have our cell phones. There's lasagna in the freezer and I believe there should still be a little roast beef left for sandwiches," continued Helen as Jake toted the laden case back into the garage.

The sounds of Jake struggling to fit the suitcase into the packed back of the SUV could be heard, but were ignored by the rest of the Morgendorffer clan.

"Oh, Good," remarked Alex without looking up from his own book. "We'll just scrap our plan to cook and eat Quinn when we got hungry then."

Helen was prepared to scold her eldest until she noticed the corners of Quinn's mouth moved into a subtle, almost imperceptible smile at her brother's joke. Instead she picked up the travel bag and resumed her parting instructions.

"Remember," began Helen. "We expect the house to be clean when we get back Sunday night. And Absolutely **NO** parties."

"Darn," remarked Daria flatly. "Guess I'll have to call and cancel the reservations for the circus performers."

"Well between you, Jane, Quinn, and the Fashion Club, I think you'd have enough to start your own circus show," stated Alex as he turned another page in his novel.

"With the volume of make-up I expect Quinn and her friends will have, we'll have the clown portion of the circus taken care of easily," remarked Daria. "I'll be sure to have Jane bring some of her larger paint brushes and trowels for the occasion."

Quinn's subdued smile disappeared. She rolled her eyes at her sister's comments before she resumed grooming her feet.

"It's a good thing Dad let me invite Jane over for the weekend. I don't think I could survive being trapped here with Quinn and the Fashion Police alone all weekend otherwise," added Daria.

"I'd be more worried about their survival if you were left alone with them for the weekend," joked Alex with a small smile.

"Now kids, what have I told you about being more tolerant of your...." began Helen.

She stopped her movement towards the garage door as her brain began processing her children's comments.

_'Fashion club? Jane? Staying here? All weekend?'_ Helen thought.

"Wait. What do you mean 'trapped here' here with them all weekend?" asked the Morgendorffer matriarch.

"The Fashion Club sleepover this weekend," replied Alex matter-of-factly as he finally looked up from his book and turned slightly on the sofa to face his mother.

"And since Quinn is having guests, Jane is going to sleep over as well," continued Daria who also looked up from her novel to face Helen.

"Dad said it was OK, since it was going to be, like totally dead and boring around here otherwise," finished Quinn, who didn't bother to look up from her painted toes.

"Oh, well I don't see any problems with..."Began Helen as her gaze shifted between her daughters and finally her son.

Daria and Alex turned their heads away from their mother and glanced at each other over their shoulders when Helen paused.

"Three... two... one..." the two mouthed silently.

"JAKE!!" yelled Helen as she had a very unsettling realization and began to scowl.

The loud thump of a heavy suitcase being dropped came from the garage followed by an equally loud "DAMMIT!" from Jake.

Alex and Daria both let out sighs and rolled their eyes as their father limped into the living room through the garage door.

"What is it honey," asked Jake as he winced slightly with each step of his right leg. "I've got the car all packed… mostly. Ready to go?"

"Jake Morgendorffer!" chastised Helen. "What were you thinking letting Quinn and Daria invite a house full of girls over for the weekend?!"

"Umm... I... What?" stuttered Jake with obvious confusion written on his face.

"Of all the irresponsible..." fumed Helen before she took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

"I though that the kids were responsible. Isn't was why we were OK with them on their own this weekend?" mused Jake aloud (more to himself than to his wife) as he scratched his head in confusion.

"Honestly Jake, leaving a teen-aged boy alone in a house full of teen-aged girls... **unsupervised**. I expect you to discuss these kinds of things with me!" Helen continued.

"But Honey I..." Jake attempted to reply.

"No buts Jake," interrupted Helen as her balled fists came to rest on her hips.

"Um... Mom," interjected Alex. "He did talk to you about it."

"You stay out of this young man," retorted Helen. "I've got half a mind to... what?"

"Yeah Mom, Tuesday night at dinner," added Quinn in an off-handed manner.

Helen blinked at her youngest child, clearly not remembering any conversations on the topic at all.

"I asked Dad if it was like, OK if Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany slept over while you two were off at that seminary thing." continued Quinn.

The twins both smirked at their sister's verbal misstep.

"And..." commented Daria, which drew her mother's focus. "I asked if Jane could sleep over, to maintain the balance of power."

"Or at least the intelligence quotient," quipped Alex.

Helen shifted her eyes between her husband and her children's faces. A vague recollection of saying 'yes' to whatever Jake, Daria and Quinn had asked her that night while she was attempting to calm her boss, Eric, down. Considering Eric had been literally crying on the phone over the Sleshinger case, she had not been really listening to what her family had asked of her.

Her scowl shifted to a slightly guilty expression before saying, "Well... I still don't think it's appropriate to leave you kids totally unsupervised."

With the last comment Helen looked directly at her son.

"Putting aside the fact that both Daria and Quinn will be here, and that I have zero romantic interest in any of Quinn's friends..." replied Alex.

"A sentiment, I'm sure they also share," added Daria.

"As if any of them would even think of dating a total dork like you," chided Quinn with a wink to her brother who responded by sticking his tongue out at the girl.

"...I'll be spending the weekend at Charles' house," Alex continued. "Remember, I asked about it two weeks ago when you and Dad originally told us you'd be going to the seminar."

"Oh... Well... umm…" Helen stated with a defeated expression. "I'll be in the car."

With that she walked to the garage leaving the kids and Jake standing in the living room.

"Thanks Kiddos," stated Jake quietly with a wide smile after his wife was out of earshot. "Have a pizza or two on the old man."

He pulled several bills from his wallet and laid them on the table beside the garage door before he followed Helen through the garage door.

* * *

After their parents pulled off, Daria returned her attention to finishing the paperback she had been reading. Quinn similarly reoriented her focus to her half finished toenails.

Alex shifted to a more normal position, his feet facing the front of the sofa, before standing and stretching his arms above his head for a moment. He rotated his right arm in slow circular motions to work out an annoying kink that had developed during his reading time.

"And where does my back rest think he's going?" asked Daria, as she laid back fully across the couch, her book resting on her stomach.

"Gonna get my workout and a shower in before Charles picks me up," replied Alex as he rubbed his bare right shoulder.

He then stooped to retrieve his Walkman and a black cloth covered elastic hair band from the living room table.

As he walked around the edge of the sofa, the boy paused beside Quinn and said, "You missed a spot."

"What? Where?" asked the red head as she leaned forward to more closely scrutinize her now salmon toenails.

Quinn looked up to notice the smirk on her brother's face and replied, "Oh, Ha... Ha."

The boy winked at his youngest sister and made his way into the garage through the door his parents had departed through a few minutes prior.

Alex made his way across the room to a carpeted corner containing a small rack of barbell weights and a Nautilus machine. He set his Walkman down on the bench of the machine and pulled his long auburn hair back behind his head into a ponytail, which he then secured with the hair-band. He then checked the plates that served as the machine's weights after spending several minutes thoroughly stretching his arms, back and legs.

_'Dad's going to hurt himself one of these days,'_ he mused as he noted that the machine was set to 250 lbs, twice his typical workout weight and at or above his father's max weight as far as he knew.

Alex knew he could complete at least one to one and a half sets at that weight. However, he wouldn't be able to do much more after that. He much preferred the "Less Weight-More Reps" routine.

_'I'll have a talk with him about it when he gets back,'_ he noted mentally as he shifted the long steel rod that secured the weights, from beneath the thick metal plate marked 250 up several slots beneath one marked 125.

After he ensured the butterfly press attachment was engaged, Alex then sat on the bench facing away from the machine. He stuck the plug style earphones of his Walkman into his ears and pressed the play button on the musical device. He closed his eyes and listened to short the rhythmic cadence of the drums at the song's opening. As the lilting voice of the flutes began Ravel's Bolero, Alex opened his eyes and started on a stringent upper body workout.

* * *

Daria was stretched out on the couch with her head resting comfortably on a frilled throw pillow. She turned the last page in the chapter she had been reading and carefully closed the novel. After reading for another half an hour after Alex had gone to start his morning workout, she felt it was time for a break. Quinn had finished her grooming shortly after her brother's departure and had retired to her room to get dressed.

_'The Fashion Gestapo should be here soon,'_ she though as she noted 11:40 on the wall mounted clock in the living room. _'Might as well enjoy these last moments of sanity.'_

The auburn haired girl set her book on the living room table and rose from the couch. After stretching with a yawn, she walked casually to the kitchen and began rummaging through the fridge. Her search was unfortunately interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.

"Daria! Can you get the door?!" yelled Quinn from upstairs.

"So much for one last moment of sanity," mused Daria aloud.

With a resigned sigh, she closed the refrigerator door and padded slowly back through the living room. She opened the front door and was greeted by the smiling face of Jane standing on the front stoop; a large mug of still steaming coffee in one hand and an overstuffed backpack in the other.

"Stop the presses," commented Daria with a smirk. "Jane Lane, awake and mobile before noon."

"Its still Friday," responded Jane. " Not my fault I'm used to being semi-conscious and partially functional this time of day."

"Damn circadian rhythms," joked Daria as she stepped aside to let Jane into the house.

Jane walked into the living room, carefully settled into the love seat previously occupied by Quinn and resumed sipping her coffee. She took note of the collection of nail polish related items still arranged on the living room table and raised an eyebrow before she picked up the only bottle of polish with a broken seal and examined the label.

"You don't strike me as a 'Sunbathed Salmon' kind of girl," teased the artist.

"I'm more a 'Desert Sunset'," replied Daria with a small smile.

"But seriously," she continued noticing Jane's raised eyebrow and curious expression. "That's Quinn's."

"Ahh good," remarked Jane as she set the bottle of polish down and took another sip of coffee. "Because the only other person that would have left was Alex."

"Naa," said Daria as she flopped back onto the couch and watched Jane take a long pull from her mug. "He prefers 'Cotton Candy Blue'."

Coffee sprayed over the living room table as Jane did an impressive spit take and coughed as she almost choked on the remaining half-inhaled coffee she had attempted to drink.

After regaining her breath, she managed to wipe up the spilled coffee from the table and its contents with a few of the unused paper towels beside the nail polish collection.

The doorbell chose that moment to chime.

"Daria! Can you get that?" yelled Quinn for the second time from upstairs.

Daria turned and stared at the door. She let out a small sigh and opened the front door and was greeted by the site of immaculately dressed and accessorized Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany standing on the front stoop of the Morgendorffer home.

Sandi took a moment to look over the eldest Morgendorffer sister. She took note of of the faded and obviously too long t-shirt and the semi-frayed knees and hems of equally worn cotton pants extending below the bottom edge of the shirt. The appearance-focused girl wrinkled her nose in further disdain when she noticed Daria's long auburn hair was uncombed and obviously still sleep tossed despite the fact that it was approaching noon.

"Well, if it isn't the other three Horsemen of the Apocalypse," commented Daria.

"You have horses?" asked Tiffany slowly with a confused expression.

"Hello Quinn's sister," greeted Sandi haughtily. "Can we like come in or what?"

"No one is stopping you," responded Daria as she turned away from the open door and promptly stretched back out on the couch.

Sandi took note of Jane sipping coffee from her mug and frowned deeper.

_'What's that artsy girl doing here,' _she thought.

"Gee, it seems both of you are lacking in fashion sense even outside of school hours," commented Sandi snidely.

"And it looks like school hours aren't the only time you're a stuck up bitch," commented Jane under her breadth.

_'Oh boy…'_ thought Daria with an eye roll.

"Nice stain," retorted Sandi, having heard Jane's comment clearly. "Perhaps we can like, find you a bib or a sippy-cup."

"What the hell are you…" began Jane, not understanding Sandi's retort.

"Ah crap!" Jane swore as she followed Sandi's gaze and looked down at the wet brown coffee stain on the front of her own gray t-shirt.

"Head on up to my room and change," stated Daria as she headed yet again to the front door.

Jane snagged her backpack and climbed the stairs grumbling as she went.

"Uppity little…" began Sandi.

Her comment ended with the sound of Daria clearing her throat and staring Daggers at her. Quinn chose that moment to come down the stairs.

"Sandi, so glad you guys could make it. I…" began Quinn.

The red head's comment also trailed off as she noticed the looks Daria and Sandi were giving each other.

_'Oh boy,'_ she thought, mirroring her sister's earlier thought.

Quinn noticed Tiffany and Stacy standing near the door. Tiffany was staring obliviously into the mirror mounted above a small table, not giving any attention to the obvious tension between Daria and Sandi. Stacy on the other hand was very nervously shifting her gaze between the Fashion club president and elder Morgendorffer sister.

"Stacy, could you help Daria get the air mattresses for us to sleep on tonight," stated Quinn with false cheer.

"Um… sure," responded Stacy as she tenuously stepped between Daria and Sandi.

With a final glare at Sandi, Daria turned and headed to the garage door with Stacy in tow.

Quinn couldn't help but notice the icy visage Sandi focused on the retreating back of the auburn haired girl.

_'This is going to be a very long weekend,' _thought Quinn with a sigh.

* * *

Alex sat for a moment as he let his legs slowly allow the weights of the Nautilus machine lower to their normal resting position. He shifted to an upright sitting position with his legs straddling the bench seat and removed the earpieces of his Walkman.

Alex heard the muffled sounds of female voices when he turned off his music player.

"Quinn's friends or Jane must be here," he mused aloud.

Just then, the door leading into the house proper opened and Daria stormed in, followed closely by Stacy.

_'Looks like it's the Fashionistas,' _thought Alex.

Alex watched, as Daria began shifting through various storage containers none too gently.

_'And it looks like the fireworks have already begun,' _he added mentally.

"Hey Dia. Looking for something?" he asked.

"Where did Dad put the air mattresses?" asked Daria.

"Somewhere in here," the boy responded. "I'll help you look. Oh hey Stacy."

Alex stood from the Nautilus machine's bench and wiped the sweat from his brow and neck. He raised his arms over his head; hands clasped, and leaned back into a long satisfying stretch.

Stacy opened her mouth to give a greeting but the words stopped in her throat when Alex stood up and stretched.

The girl shared Mr. Johansen's music class with the boy. And while she didn't completely dismiss/ignore him (or the other "unpopular" kids) the way the rest of the Fashion Club normally did, she never really paid him much attention outside of that class.

The girl blinked in surprise as she watched Alex stretch. Her eyes lingered over his chest and bared arms. She paid close attention to each line and curve of his physique as he slowly stretched out his arms and legs.

_'Wow,'_ Stacy thought as her gaze followed Alex move across the garage and begin reaching for plastic containers from the top of a set of shelves against the garage wall beside his sister.

_'Oh, wow!'_ came her mental admiration again.

Stacy definitely felt that the view from the back was just as nice as the front. She looked the boy up and down and took pleasure in noting the shorts he wore revealed that his legs were just as well defined as his upper body. Stacy quickly came to a realization that the baggy jeans and perpetually present green army jacket had hidden quite well.

Also accustomed to viewing him through the curtain of hair, she noted his solid jaw line and high cheekbones all added up to a very handsome face.

She was only vaguely aware of the conversation Daria and Alex were having. Something about Sandi and Jane, sniping. Alex let out a smile at some comment Daria made and at that moment a single thought coalesced in Stacy's mind.

_'Holy crap! Quinn's brother is a total dish!'_

The girl's eyes widened as the realization hit her.

"Found them!" exclaimed Alex as he pulled a wide plastic cube container from the middle shelf down and handed it to Daria, who in turn pushed the container towards Stacy.

"Um… Stacy… you all right?" asked Daria as she noticed the wide-eyed expression on Stacy's face.

"Oh… I thought I saw…" started Stacy.

She began almost hyperventilating at the idea she had been caught fawning over Alex.

"I thought I saw a spider, but it was just a shadow, or some lint, or dust. Not that you have a dust or lint problem or anything. I mean it wouldn't be a garage if it wasn't a bit dirty… not that your garage is dirty or anything…"

Daria closed her eyes tightly and began rubbing her temples as Stacy began her overly apologetic rambling.

"Stacy," said Alex in a calm but firm voice.

Stacy stopped her rambling and looked sheepishly at Alex and Daria.

"Why don't you take these to Quinn," Alex asked as he took the container from Daria and deposited it in Stacy's hands.

"Um… sure," responded Stacy before she turned and quickly retreated back into the living room area.

* * *

Jane exited Daria's room in a fresh t-shirt and trod down the stairs. She brushed past Sandi, who began glaring daggers as soon as the dark haired artist came into her view, without a word and headed towards the Morgendorffer's kitchen.

At that moment, a slightly blushing Stacy, followed shortly by Alex and Daria, entered carrying the plastic containers containing the air mattresses. With Jane out of sight Sandi turned her condemning gaze back to Daria.

Alex and Stacy, whose presences were being completely ignored by Daria and Sandi, alternated their gazes between the two warring young women.

Alex leaned over towards Quinn and whispered, "Think I'll just help Stacy take the mattresses and their luggage upstairs… out of the line of fire."

"Good idea," responded the red head as she took the container of mattresses from Stacy.

Alex scooted carefully past his sisters and Sandi and stooped to grasp several of the girls' articles of luggage. He couldn't help but notice that both Sandi and Tiffany had each brought two large suitcases. He managed to carry three of them, one tucked under his left arm and one in each hand, while Stacy retrieved her own small duffel, backpack and the remaining suitcase.

"Come on Tiffany," prompted Stacy. "Let's go stash our stuff."

"Ok," replied Tiffany as she fell into place behind Alex, Quinn and Stacy.

"Welcome to Casa de Morgendorffer. Please check your overhead baggage and remember to keep your arms and legs inside the house until the weekend has come to a complete stop," intoned Alex as he began to climb the stairs.

Stacy giggled at Alex's comment and Quinn gave a small smile at her brother's silliness.

_'He's…really…strong,' _thought Tiffany absently as she noticed the ease with which Alex carried the three suitcases up the stairs. She didn't give it another thought, as they reached the top of the steps and entered cornucopia of cuteness that was Quinn's.

"I love… your… bed," droned Tiffany as she examined the pink and white-laced canopy bed that sat in the center of Quinn's room.

"Oh my god! This is the cutest room in the entire universe!" squealed Stacy happily as she set her bags and the suit case down and scooped a stuffed unicorn from Quinn's bed and hugged it.

"Well you girls have fun," said Alex, as he turned to Quinn. "I'm gonna hit the shower. If Charles shows up before I get out… try not to bruise him too much."

"Sorry Alex," replied Quinn. "But no deals where Upchuck is concerned."

"Upchuck?" remarked Tiffany questioningly.

"Ewwwwww!!!" exclaimed the three girls simultaneously.

He paused at the doorway and turned again to look Quinn in the eyes. "Hey, try to keep Dia and Sandi from killing each other this weekend… please."

"Again, no promises," said Quinn with a sigh. "But I'll try."

Alex gave a half smile to his youngest sister and remarked, "Fair enough. If they do try to kill each other, remember to get it on tape."

Quinn simply shook her head as Alex walked further down the upstairs hall towards his own room.

"Come on girls," stated Quinn with a glance back to Stacy and Tiffany. "Let's go rescue Sandi from my sister."

* * *

After the others had departed, Daria finally broke the tense silence between herself and Sandi.

"Look," she began. "I don't like you and you obviously don't approve of Jane and I…"

"No argument there," snarked Sandi as she crossed her arms and noticed Jane returning from the kitchen with a fresh cup of coffee.

"But, for the sake of our mutual sanity I propose a truce," Daria continued, her scowl matching the one that seemed to be a permanent resident of Sandi's face.

"What kind of truce?" asked Sandi warily.

Jane quirked an eyebrow at her diminutive friend but said nothing.

"Like it or not, we're stuck with each other for the next two and a half days," the bespectacled girl continued. "And if we want to avoid killing each other, I suggest a cessation of hostilities."

A puzzled expression shifted over Sandi's face, which made it rather obvious she did not fully understand Daria's last statement. Daria noticed her sister and the other two members of the Fashion Club descend the stairs.

"Here's the deal," resumed the elder Morgendorffer sister. "You and your Fashion Drones stay out of our way as much as possible, and Jane and I will do the same. You stop with the snippy remarks about our wardrobe choices and we won't voice our usual disdain for your superficial and shallow attitudes. On Monday, you and yours return to snubbing us, and we continue not giving a damn about your opinions of us."

_'Superficial? Shallow?!'_ though Sandi. _'Who does this self-righteous loser think she is?!'_

Sandi took a deep breath before she answered, "For the sake of an enjoyable weekend, I think we can agree to your terms."

"Good," commented Daria as her scowl shifted into a half smile. "And since everyone is here, we can cover the house rules for the weekend."

"Rules?" asked Sandi, Jane and Quinn simultaneously.

"Yes children. Rules," replied Daria. "Mom left me in charge. Which also means, I take the blame if anything goes wrong."

"Alex is the oldest," added Quinn. "Why didn't Mom leave him in charge?"

"He may be technically the oldest, but he's also leaving in a little while for the weekend himself, remember," replied Daria. "Either way, I'm in charge so we're going to set a few ground rules."

"Rule number one…" began Daria flatly, holding up her index finger. "Normal weekend curfew hours of 11PM **will** be observed."

Quinn's eyes widened noticeably at that statement.

"And before you begin the complaints," commented Daria. "Mom and Dad left us on our own because, for some unknown reason, they think they can trust us. I would like them to maintain that gullible perspective and this will go a long way towards that end."

Quinn tabled her complaint as she could see the benefits Daria was referring to.

_'Not like it's a major issue with the Fashion Club already here,' _thought Quinn with a conspiratorial smirk.

"Rule number two…" Daria continued, holding up two fingers. "If you guys decide to go somewhere, you need to let me know where you're going and when you'll be back."

Quinn's smirk faded and Sandi's scowl deepened.

"Before you start," remarked Daria. "I really don't care where you go or who you go with. But if something happens I'd rather know where to start looking if I need to reach you. The same applies to Jane and I. We'll let you know where we're going ahead of time and when we'll be back… approximately. Something as simple as a note will do."

"I guess that makes sense," said Quinn with an exasperated sigh.

"Rule number three…" Daria went on, holding up the requisite number of fingers. "Absolutely **NO** parties. Even if Mom hadn't already told us that, it should go without saying. Especially since she'd kill both of us **when**, not if but when, she found out about the party."

Quinn crossed her arms and gave an angry "Hmph."

_'Damn. Why does she always have to ruin my fun.'_

"Besides, the only person I'm interested in seeing in a social setting is already here," she went on, with a tilt of her head in Jane's direction. "I've really got little to no interest in hanging out with anyone else from Lawndale inside of the school environment. I definitely don't enjoy the idea of spending my out of school time with them either."

_'Present company **included**,'_ thought Daria as her eyes scanned over the other members of the Fashion Club.

"But Daria," Quinn whined.

"That's non-negotiable. I also have no desire to clean up after the entire student body of Lawndale High or explain to Mom why the house burnt to the ground."

Quinn remembered the aftermath of several parties at their classmates' homes. She clearly remembered the final result of Brittany's party a month ago and paled at the thought of how her mother would react if things got as out of hand at her own home as they had at Brittany's.

Daria smiled at the pained expression on her sister's face and turned towards Jane. She took a single step before Quinn's voice stopped her.

"Rule number four…" stated Quinn, who smiled wickedly as her sister turned again to face her. "Just because you're 'in charge' doesn't mean you get to lord over us like some high and mighty... lord type person. We'll follow the rules, but we're not gonna jump through hoops just to amuse you."

"That's fair," conceded Daria flatly. "Come on Jane, let's leave the Fashion Patrol to their devices."  
Daria, followed closely by Jane, then proceeded up the stairs and entered her padded room.

"God Kuh-whin," drawled Sandi. "Your sister is like, a total buzz kill."

"Don't I know it," replied Quinn with a sigh. "Unfortunately she's right this time. If we have a party here, Mom would find out. She'd just, like know. And I'd end up grounded for the rest of the school year."

Quinn could tell Sandi had some backhanded comment to make about the situation and decided to cut it off.

"Actually I think it would be a good idea to either suspend or at least restrict any parties at homes of the Fashion Club… especially after what happened at Brittney's party," stated Quinn.

"Quinn's shoes... were soooooo cute too," droned Tiffany.

"Oh my god. I heard Brittany's dad went ballistic when he got home. She has to pay for the dining room table AND the laundry door out of her allowance. She's not going to get any money for the rest of the school year," rambled Stacy excitedly.

"Gee Kuh-whinn, if you're too worried about a little cleaning perhaps we need to rethink whether you can handle the responsibility of the Vice Presidency," stated Sandi. "I mean like, that one incident isn't reason to suspend all social functions at our homes…"

"But what about what happened at Skylar's back to school party?" asked Stacy.

Sandi silenced Stacy with her trademarked glare. Staci responded in her usual manner by shrinking back and bowing her head with a small "Eep!"

"What happened at Skylar's party?" asked Quinn.

"The football team snuck beer in and got totally wasted. Kevin puked all over the couch…" added Stacy quickly before she shrank back under Sandi's icy gaze.

"Stacy… gross," responded Tiffany.

"Yuck!" exclaimed Quinn, her face scrunched in disgust. "Mom would absolutely kill me if that happened. Or worse… she'd make me clean it up."

"Ewwwwwwwww!" exclaimed all four girls simultaneously.

"See," Quinn whined. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. Party's look like a lot of fun at first, but then some idiot does something dumb and ruins it for everyone. And then whoever is throwing the party ends up in trouble and has to clean up the mess."

"God, I had to help clean up after my little cousin's birthday party last year. Picking up cups and plates and party favors is a total pain," chimed Stacy.

"We'd have to pick up trash?" droned Tiffany questioningly. "But I just had my nails done."

"And that's if the party goes smoothly. Imagine having to clean up after a drunk football team."

A collective shiver went through each of the girls.

"Well," responded Sandi. "In light of that, I believe we should _consider_ postponing any Fashion Club hosted parties until we can properly examine the issue. Stacy, make a note for our next official meeting."

Stacy began silently repeating "Discuss party rules" to herself as Sandi turned back to face Quinn.

Sandi turned back to Quinn with a hand on her hip and said, "It seems that I did make the correct decision in choosing you as our **VICE** president."

"Oh Sandi," cooed Quinn. "You always make the best decisions."

"So… we're not … having the party?" asked a still confused Tiffany.

"No Tiffany," replied Sandi with a roll of her eyes. "We're not having the party."

"Bummer. So… what are… we going... to do?" the Asian girl inquired.

"We could always do the regular sleep over stuff," chimed Stacy.

The three girls looked at Stacy with confused expressions.

"You know," the perky girl continued with a large smile. "Give each other makeovers, stay up late watching movies, and try on clothes… sleepover stuff."

"And I can get Jeffy, Joey and Jamal to drive us around shopping tomorrow," chirped Quinn.

The girls continued to hammer out the details of their weekend as they climbed the steps and headed to Quinn's room. Quinn, Sandi and Tiffany entered the room with Stacy trailing at the top of the steps. As she was entering Quinn's room she noticed Alex exit his own.

His head was down and he still wore only his black sleeveless muscle T and gray shorts. His hands each rested on the ends of a long white towel draped behind his neck and across his shoulders. Stacy paused in the doorway and watched the boy stroll casually out of his room. Alex stopped just before the bathroom door and gave a long yawn and wide stretch of his arms. Stacy's lips turned up in an appreciative smile as she watched him stretch out for the second time that day.

"Would you like, care to join us Stacy?" came Sandi's disapproving voice from within Quinn's room.

Stacy let out a frightened "Eep!" and rushed into Quinn's room.

Alex was startled by the sound and turned around to the now empty hallway. His eyes shifted from left to right with a curious expression. He shrugged, strolled into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

* * *

"Have I mentioned lately that you have the coolest room?" asked Jane as she lay across Daria's bed, on her stomach, and poked absently at the padded wall.

"Only four times in the last 10 minutes," remarked Daria as she clicked her mouse and ended the pixilated life of the zombie on her computer's monitor.

A knock followed by Alex's muffled baritone "Is everyone decent in there?" came from the closed door.

Daria stood and began heading towards her door.

"No," yelled a fully clothed Jane as Daria stood. "I'm completely naked and helpless in here."

Daria turned her curious gaze towards her friend and rolled her eyes at Jane's chuckling face.

"OK, I'll come back later," came Alex's muffled reply.

Having believed Jane's reply, a surprised Alex, dressed in his usual baggy black jeans and boots, stood halfway past Daria's doorway when she unlocked and opened the door. He raised an eyebrow at his twin before realizing Jane had only been joking. Jane's laughter at his gullibility confirmed. He shook his head and entered the room. Daria promptly closed and locked the door again. The boy set his packed large black duffel near the door and plopped down beside Daria's bed. He then resumed rubbing his still damp hair with the towel draped over his shoulders.

"So what are you two going to be up to this weekend?" he asked.

"Why would we be up to anything?" asked Daria.

"No reason really," he responded. "Just figured you would want to spend as little time under the same roof as the Fashion Club as possible."

"We've come to an agreement," responded Daria as she returned to the chair in front of her computer.

"Yeah," added Jane. "We're going to ignore each other as much as possible for the weekend and then return to ignoring each other at school."

"Still," responded Alex, as he finished drying his hair and set the towel aside. "Would probably be a good idea to get out of the house every once in a while."

"I figure we'll probably wander around town aimlessly after sleeping in late. Maybe hit the Zon for one of my brother's shows," Jane remarked.

Daria's eyes widened for a split second at the mention of Trent, but she quickly put her impassive mask back on before either Jane or her brother noticed.

"You know you're welcome to come with," offered Jane. "The band can use all the moral support they can get."

"So where do we fit in that statement?" Alex asked sarcastically with a smirk. "I wouldn't mind checking out your brother's band. I doubt Charles and I would have been able to come up with anything more entertaining."

"Ugh," stated Jane distastefully. "I forgot about Upchuck. God, why do you hang out with that loser?"

"Probably for the same reasons you hang out with Dia and I?" replied Alex. "Probably for the same reasons Quinn prefers the company of the Fashion Club. He may be a bit deluded regarding his… desirability where you girls are concerned…"

Daria raised an eyebrow and stared at Alex with an incredulous look. Jane let out a small snort.

"Ok… a LOT deluded," continued Alex with a chuckle. "But he's intelligent, confident, a laugh riot at times and most importantly honest."

The doorbell chime rang through the house, followed shortly by the sound of several feet moving down the steps.

"Upchuck… Ewwwww!" resounded from below.

"Speak of the devil," remarked Jane.

Alex stood and retrieved his duffel. Daria and Jane also stood and followed him down the stairs.

"Not in your wildest dreams Upchuck," came Quinn's voice as Alex, Daria and Jane entered the living room.

The trio saw Upchuck standing in the living room near the open front door. All four members of the Fashion Club stood before him with their arms crossed and very unhappy expressions on their faces.

_'I don't even want to know,' _thought Alex.

"Ah, Charles. Just in time to prevent me from drowning in the ocean of estrogen that is taking over the house," chimed Alex.

"My friend, if this is drowning…" began Charles as he paused and slowly took in the sight of all six girls standing before him. "Then man overboard… Rawr!"

All six young women scowled at the freckled redhead with icy death in their eyes. Alex grabbed his friend by the shoulders and turned him back towards the door.

"I'll be right out," the bespectacled boy stated as he pushed his friend back outside.

Alex shook his head at his friend's antics and shifted his duffel's strap over his shoulder so that the bag sat upright along his back.

"See you kids Sunday night," he stated with a quick one-armed hug for Daria.

"Be good Brat," Alex chided with a finger wave and a wink to Quinn.

Quinn stuck her tongue out at Alex but gave him a wink back, which prompted Stacy to giggle and Sandi to snort with disdain. And with that Alex closed the front door behind him and headed to Charles' Yellow Volvo parked at the front of the house.

Most of the girls turned from the door and began milling about the living room. Daria stood and stared at the door for a minute longer and let out a small sigh. She turned towards the other girls in the living room and noticed that Jane and Sandi were both bent down reaching for the remote to the 20" television set. The two were again exchanging slit eyed glares at each other.

Quinn returned from the kitchen holding a plate of carrots, celery and other veggies. She also noticed Sandi and Jane and rolled her eyes.

_'This is going to be a very long weekend,' _the sisters thought in unison.

* * *

Jane stretched out in beside Daria's bed and stared up at TV mesmerized. Only the smell emanating from the oversized bowl full of hot, buttered popcorn alerted her to the fact that Daria had returned from her trip to the kitchen.

"It's like a train wreck," commented Jane in an awed hushed voice. "This is… without a doubt… the absolute **WORST **movie I have ever seen… And I can't look away."

Daria smiled at her friend's fascination with the movie she had chosen. Jane watched the scene before her with the wide-eyed glee of a toddler with a new toy.

"Oh My God, I can see the boom mic's shadow. Wait… is the pilot actually holding up and reading from his script?!" Jane exclaimed before breaking into a fit of laughter.

Loud, high-pitched giggles emanated from the hallway through Daria's open door and caused both girls to roll their eyes. Daria stood up, crossed her room nudged her door closed. The yammering sound of Quinn and the other Fashion Club members dropped to silence leaving only the sounds of the movie playing on the television.

"Ahh, the marvel that is of 3 inches of cloth covered foam padding," the girl said with a satisfied sigh.

_'Must remember to thank Lex for finding a guy who'd sell us enough padding to cover my door,'_ Daria thought as she returned to Jane's side beside her bed.

"Once again, you have the coolest room," commented Jane. "I wonder how much it would cost to get a room in my house setup like this."

"You'd be surprised at how cheap it is. Although, I don't think the padding would survive one week of your artistic expression," teased Daria.

"Oh, it wouldn't be for my room," responded Jane as she withdrew a large handful of popcorn from the bowl. "I was thinking of the garage since that's where Mystic Spiral usually practices."

"You know Lex had a point," commented Daria. "Even if the High Mucky Mucks of Fashion weren't here, we'd still probably want to get out of the house."

"Of course having them here just gives us more incentive to get out and about," agreed Jane.

Jane's eyes sparkled with a thought.

"We could always head over to my place for a bit. I know you'd love to watch Trent and the guys practice," the raven-haired girl said as she took great pleasure in the bright blush that began to spread across her friend's face.

"Shut up and watch the movie," stated Daria with an embarrassed scowl as she snatched the popcorn bowl away from her friend.

* * *

"I can't tell whether Plan 9 gets better or worse every time I watch it," commented Alex thoughtfully.

"I can't believe I actually sat here and watched it," responded Charles.

"Oh come on," stated Alex. "At least Ed Wood's movies don't surprise you with horrible puns and over the top clichés like the Bond series. When you watch an Ed Wood movie, you know up front you're getting bad."

"Now, now. We'll have none of that blasphemy in this house young man," chastised Charles jokingly.

"Oh come on," retorted Alex. "You know what the problem is with the five billion dollar death trap the big bad guys use for Bond?"

"Do enlighten me, oh wise one," said Charles chuckling.

"I've got your 'Wise One' right here pal," said Alex with an eye roll. "But seriously, the plots are so convoluted, the devices themselves so ridiculous in their design and function that you can't really take their threat seriously."

Alex took a drink from his Ultra Cola before continuing.

"Don't get me wrong," the boy continued. "They make for great visual cinema. But they are so far removed from how a serious 'Bad Guy' would handle things that there's no believable danger in the situations."

"What do you mean?" asked Charles with honest curiosity.

"Like I said," Alex responded. "You get a vague sense of peril, but we're not sitting on the edge of our collective seats worried about whether our intrepid hero is going to that baccarat table in the sky. Instead, we sit around and laugh as the laser or diamond saw or platinum pendulum axe moves at glacier speed towards a tied up or strapped down bond."

Alex took a bite of his sandwich and Charles sipped slowly from a soda of his own.

"All I'm saying," he continued between bites of turkey on rye. "Is why doesn't anyone just simply shoot him. You've caught your great nemesis; you have him completely helpless or unconscious; and for some reason instead of just unloading a clip into Bond's face, we get a 10 minute triumphant egotistical 12-point explanation of the evil plan and a slide show of the death ray's schematics while Bond is half-assedly secured to whatever death machine happens to be employed this time. Instead of a sense of drama, we get a clichéd, almost comical, exercise in the ridiculous that leaves us wondering what cheesy gadget or silly contrived method Bond is going to use to escape from the torturously slow and ineffective death trap before he scampers off to defeat the Big Bad and their super robo-shark mounted atomic death laser moon base."

Charles raised an eyebrow at Alex's colorful description. Alex took another drink from his can of cola and held up a hand to forestall his friend's complaint.

"Don't get me wrong," the auburn haired boy resumed. "I love super robo-shark mounted atomic death laser moon bases as much as the next guy. But having the super genius display something akin to basic common sense once in a while would be a welcome surprise."

"But that's part of the whole Bond experience. The extreme lengths the villains go to. That's the draw," replied Charles as he took a bite of his own sandwich.

"I can see that," conceded Alex. "But there are so many ways they could get the same concept with a touch more believable execution. Let the big bad shot Bond and have it be a hologram projected from his watch. Shoot him with laser rifles and have Bond Deflect it with a compact purloined from one of the bond girls earlier. Shoot at him with a bazooka and have him dodge at the last minute and get buried under rubble so that the bad guy can't immediately tell he's still alive."

The freckled red head thought about his friend's words for a moment before answering, "Well I can see your point. The scenarios do get a bit… predictable after all this time."

He was quiet for another few minutes as he watched Alex finish off his sandwich.

"So… no objections to the security girls in mini-skirts," asked Charles.

"Actually I prefer the form fitting leather uniform with top unbuttoned and/or zipped down look," replied Alex with a grin.

* * *

"I swear, Plan 9 gets better every time you watch it," commented Daria.

"And by better you mean worse right?" asked Jane.

"With Ed Wood movies there really isn't much of a difference," joked Daria.

"You got me there," replied Jane as she pulled a thin, threadbare and very tattered sleeping bag out of her pack.

"So where should I park this?" she asked with a glance around the semi-clutter that littered the floor of her friend's room.

Daria eyed the worn sleeping bag and raised an eyebrow.

"You know, there's a perfectly good bed you can sleep in this weekend," remarked Daria.

"Why Daria, I didn't think you felt that way about me," Jane stated as she glanced at her friend's small bed.

"I'm touched," she continued, casting an extremely faux doe-eyed look to Daria and placed her hands over her heart.

"Oh you're touched alright," quipped the auburn haired girl. "You can sleep in Lex's room. No point sleeping on the floor when there's a bed that will go otherwise unused."

"What about the Fashion Club?" asked Jane. "Won't Quinn have already claimed that land in the name of the Inane?"

"Even if she had, do you honestly expect any member of the Fashion Club to willingly sleep in the bed of Quinn's unpopular and geeky big brother?" Daria inquired.

"And what makes you think I want to sleep in the bed of Quinn's unpopular and geeky big brother?" asked Jane with a grin.

"Because you're a shameless creature of comfort," retorted Daria with a smirk.

"Can't argue with the facts" conceded Jane as she stood up. "Well then Jeeves, show me to my room."

* * *

Daria smirked at her friend and walked back out of her room. She and Jane walked to the opposite end of the hallway and entered the room on the right side across from her parents' quarters.

Jane followed her friend through the door and took a moment to look around Alex's room. The first thing she noticed was that the room was clean. No clothes or any other general clutter that would normally be expected could be seen.

"So the Lexmeister decided to tidy up before he left eh?" mused Jane with a smile. "Didn't want us girls seeing his heart boxers laying out eh?"

"What do you mean? This is how his room always looks," responded Daria without a second thought.

Jane walked past her friend across the thick dark blue carpeting and set her backpack down beside the queen-sized bed, which rested just off center, beside the north-facing window. She looked out of the window and saw the dimly lit back yard of the Morgendorffer's house. She glanced down at the plain navy blue comforter, covering the plain white sheets and pillows encased in matching navy arranged neatly on the bed.

She turned slowly, and took in the rest of the room.

The small night stand beside the bed held clock radio/CD player combination and a small lamp. Two large bay windows faced the neighboring house, their plain heavy white curtains drawn closed. A simple, darkly stained wooden chest of drawers occupied the southwestern corner of the room between what appeared to be a closet door and the wall. A large and solid wooden bookshelf, filled with rows of hard and paper backed books, took up a majority of the remaining south wall between the closet door and the room's main doorway in the southeastern corner of the room.

The east wall between the desk and main door was occupied by a large entertainment center, which held a good-sized TV and multiple neat rows of videocassettes, CDs and what appeared to be a handful of vinyl records.

The northeastern corner of the room held a simple L-shaped wooden desk, of similar design to the bookshelf. A fairly wide but unadorned monitor sat off center on the smaller arm of the desk, connected to the simple gray tower in an open cabinet below the desktop. The remaining desktop itself held a stainless steel cup, filled with pens of various colors. A stapler, hole punch and other school/office supplies lay neatly arranged and organized on the open desktop. And a plain desk lamp rested above the writing space on a long extended neck. A comfortable looking upholstered gray office chair sat on wheels before the desk.

Jane's sharp eyes completed their circuit of the room and rested on the violin case resting on a plain footlocker at the front of the bed. She noticed the immediate lack of posters or any other decorative items in the room save the furniture.

Jane's brow furrowed. Daria noticed her friend's intense look and asked, "You ok?"

After a moment, Jane snapped her fingers and exclaimed, "Spartan!"

"What?" asked Daria, confusion on her face.

"Oh sorry," apologized Jane. "I was looking for the word to describe his room. Spartan."

"Ahh," replied Daria.

She gave a quick glance around the room herself. Although she'd been in her brother's room regularly since they had moved to Lawndale, she never really though much about the unadorned overly ordered nature of it.

"Never really thought about it," she continued with a shrug. "I guess between the hospital and all those years at military school he hasn't really had much need or opportunity to worry about decorating."

"Hospital?" said Jane inquisitively as she looked at Daria.

"Umm…" stumbled Daria. "Well, sleep tight Jane."

Before Jane could say another word Daria backed quickly out and closed the door behind her, leaving a very curious Jane standing in the middle of Alex's room.

* * *

Alex stared at the ceiling of the Ruttheimer's guest bedroom with his hands behind his head. A half read paperback lay on his chest as he counted the non-existent cracks in the ceiling.

_'I hope Dia is OK,'_ thought Alex. _'I hated to leave her alone with Quinn's friends, but there was no way I would have been able to handle that much mindless girl talk for three days.'_

He removed his glasses from their perch above his forehead as a long, slow yawn escaped his lips.

_'Ah well, she has Jane with her,'_ he thought as he rolled on his left side and closed his eyes.

_'They'll be fine,'_ came his last thoughts before drifting off to sleep. _'Or the Fashion Club will be murdered horribly and creatively. Either way, it will all work out for the best.'_

* * *

Jane lay in Alex's bed and stared at the ceiling. She wore only a pair of worn black running shorts and faded navy women's sleeveless performance T.

Her curiosity was, as the artist had expected, punishing her fiercely after Daria left her alone in Alex's room. However, Daria's offhand comment about Alex being in the hospital and the hasty retreat served only to intensify Jane's natural curiosity. She had hoped to find some sort of incriminating item to distract her. Something to tease Alex, and perhaps even Daria, with the next time she saw the boy.

She had looked under the bed and mattress for magazines, tapes or anything else one would expect a teen aged boy to hide. She had initially fought the urge to riffle through the drawers on general principle, but after an hour had given in to the power of her restless inquisitiveness. Of course her search only revealed an extremely neat and organized sock drawer, a similarly tidy drawer full of T-shirts and boxers (which made her blush unconsciously) and a drawer full of random innocuous items. Jane had decided not to attempt to circumvent the lock on Alex's footlocker.

In the end, her efforts had been fruitless, which only made it worse for the girl. Her curiosity had been satisfied to a degree as she had gone over the other contents of the room and learned quite a bit about the boy than she had known before. The rows of VHS taps revealed a taste in eclectic films that was apparently shared with his twin. After seeing the spread before her (and still chuckling at some of the more horrendous scenes from Plan 9), Jane had decided then and there that Bad Movie Night would become a regular occurrence for the three of them.

She had spent a good half an hour simply browsing the vast and varied collection of music CD's and cassettes on the shelves of his entertainment center. She was surprised by not only how many discs and cassettes there were, but the wide variety of styles represented. She had expected the Bach, Beethoven, and other classical artists. She was also unsurprised when she saw Metalica, NIN, Nirvana and a horde of other rock and alternative bands (although she recognized only about a third of the bands). She laughed at the presence of the ABBA and Weird Al Yankovic albumns, and was thoughtful for a moment about Tori Amos, Ani DeFranco and other pop artists. While she was surprised at the amount of Dance, Trance and Techno initially, but remembered Alex mentioned one day he prefered the non-vocal styles of music. The large section of Hip Hop and Rap artists, however, caught her completely off guard. She recognized a few of the more popular names (Run-D.M.C., and 2-Pac were immediately recognized) but simply drew a blank on most of the others. She had to admit, the boy knew and apparently loved his music.

Perusing Alex's musical and cinematic selections had only been a momentary distraction at best. Her imagination kept coming up with all variety of horrible and hilarious medical conditions that might have befallen the male half of her dynamic duo of friends before the girl finally drifted off into sleep.

* * *

Quinn put the empty glass into the sink and made her way back up to her room. She had woken in the middle of the night and was incredibly thirsty for some reason. Sandi had initially tried to claim the bed in the name of Fashion Club president, but Quinn had quickly headed that idea off by simply suggesting that out of fairness, everyone should sleep on air mattresses.

Quinn stepped past the sleeping form of Tiffany, who was sleeping on her back with her hair spread out over the pillow. Quinn smiled at that, as it was the method she herself used to reduce the effects of 'bed head'. The younger Morgendorffer almost laughed aloud when she saw that Sandi was simply sleeping normally and her hair was already well on its way to being sleep tousled. Quinn shook her head at the fact that Sandi still managed to scowl in her sleep. Stacy's hair remained in the medium length braid she had asked Quinn to do for her earlier in the evening. Quinn smiled at the girl who still held onto one of her stuffed unicorns as she slept.

"Oh of course I'd love to dance Alex," mumbled Stacy with a serene smile, before she turned over on her other side in her sleep.

Quinn stopped and stared at her friend for a moment and realized Stacy had simply been talking in her sleep.

_'Alex?'_ the red head asked internally. _'What in the... Oh yeah that was the prince in that movie we watched tonight. It was soooo romantic. And the princess' ball gown was gorgeous... although her shoes should have had the same lace pattern as the dress... and her earrings should have been those long teardrop pearl kind.'_

Quinn sighed at the thought of being in a dress that pretty some day.

_'Too bad the prince's name was Alexander. I could never marry a guy named Alexander. that would just be too wierd,' _she rambled mentally before letting out a quiet and demure yawn.

Quinn gave Stacy's comment no further thought as she laid down on her air mattress and fanned her long red hair out on her large pillow, then drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Daria woke slowly. She sat up in her bed and stretched her arms before retrieving her glasses from the nightstand beside her. She glanced at her clock radio and noticed it was just approaching noon.

She slid out of bed and walked slowly across her room and opened the padded door. Daria noted that the members of the Fashion Club were not in her sister's room and the house in general was quite silent. The auburn haired girl simply rolled her eyes and continued walking pas her sister's open room towards the other end of the hallway.

_'No snoring? I guess Jane's already up,'_ thought Daria as she opened the door to her brother's room.

_'Or not,'_ mused the girl with a raised an eyebrow as she entered the room and saw her still sleeping friend.

Daria had been required to wake Jane multiple times over the past few months, on the school days when the Lane Sleep Gene had overpowered the insistent chime of the alarm clock. On those occasions she had been greeted by the sight of Jane sprawled across her bed, each limb usually pointing in the direction of a different corner of her bed. And typically, the thin sheets were wrapped and tangled haphazardly around the girl.

It was a vastly different image from the one before Daria. Jane was sleeping peacefully on her side. The blanket and sheets still arranged relatively neatly over her. Only a soft barely audible rasping sound came from Jane's open mouth, as opposed to the window rattling snores, which could usually be heard when one approached the artist's room in the early mornings.

Daria padded over to the bed, lightly shook Jane's shoulder and called her name. Jane's only response was to murmur something incoherent and roll over onto her other side under the blanket and continue sleeping.

Daria smiled a bit and walked back out of the room. She returned a few minutes later with a large steaming cup of coffee, which she held near Jane's face, and waited.

After a few moments, Jane began to stir and slowly sat up and stretched her arms out with a great yawn.

"And good morning to you too," said Daria as she handed the cup to Jane.

Jane took a small sip and smiled lazily.

"GOD! I had forgotten what it was like to sleep on a mattress that wasn't worn down from two generations of hippies," commented Jane happily with closed eyes.

"Remind me never to sit on your bed again," deadpanned Daria.

"Hey! i'll have you know that bed has been disinfected and the sheets are laundered... semi-regularly," huffed Jane teasingly.

"Considering you guys have surgical scrub gel as hand soap in your bathroom, I actually believe that," remarked Daria.

"Mom saw a sale and figured it was a good deal. It just so happened to be a clinic going closing down in... Barbados, I think. Don't ask me how she got a palette of the stuff through customs," replied Jane as she took another sip of coffee. "Most of my early smocks were surgical scrubs."

"Speaking of which…" the dark-haired girl continued tentatively. "What did you mean last night about Alex being in the hospital?"

Daria sighed and her expression shifted from her usual subdued half smile to a sad frown.

"Hey, I can tell it's a sensitive subject. Forget I asked," Jane offered.

"No, it's OK," Daria responded after a moment. "Guess you'll get the story some time. Better to get it from a source than let the gossip mongers ruin a perfectly good story."

Daria walked over to her brother's desk and wheeled the chair over beside the bed. She sat down, took a deep breath and let it out slowly before beginning.

"It all started back in grade school. Lex and I were the 'smart kids' even back then," she stated.

_'No surprise there,'_ Jane thought as she sipped her coffee and nodded.

"Well, the other kids treated us not much differently than they do at Lawndale High," the auburn haired girl continued. "But there was one kid. Jimmy Denton. He was the superintendent's son. His father was a corrupt and unscrupulous a man as ever there has been. He could have given Li lessons."

Jane let out a whistle.

"Exactly," continued Daria. "So naturally Jimmy was the biggest, baddest bully in the county. He used to pick on most of the kids, nothing special there. But as we got older he locked onto me. I think that it was partly because I was the smallest kid in school. Mostly though, I think it was because he knew it was the easiest way that he could get a rise out of Lex."

Daria let out another sad sigh before she continued with her tale.

"So, our daily schedule was pretty much go to school, I get picked on, Lex gets into an argument with the Jimmy, we get in trouble and Jimmy gets off because of Daddy. During this time most of the other kids stopped even wanting to be around us any more for fear of Jimmy dragging them into it."

"So, at the beginning of our 6th grade year, Jimmy finally decided to see how far he could push things. We were on the playground and I was sitting in a swing reading. Jimmy waited until Lex wasn't around; I think he had gone to the bathroom… Anyway, Jimmy comes over with his little entourage and starts in on me as usual. I was fed up with being pestered for the bulk of my waking moments for the past few years and having the one or two friends we had managed to make pushed away from me. I decided to start fight back."

"Oh boy," said Jane visibly wincing at the thought of being on the receiving end of Daria's teasing. "I'll bet that didn't go over too well."

"You got it," responded Daria. "I let him have it with both verbal barrels. Some of the other kids started laughing at him. Needless to say, Jimmy was livid. He kept telling me to shut up. And when I didn't, he punched me in the stomach and stepped on my glasses... just as Lex was coming back outside."

Jane's eyes grew wide and she asked, "What did Alex do?"

"What do you think he did?" asked Daria incredulously. "He jumped across the playground table and proceeded to beat the ever loving crap out of Jimmy."

_'Go Alex!'_ cheered Jane internally

"It took two teachers to pull him off Jimmy," Daria explained. "But by the time they got there, Lex had broken one of Jimmy's arms in two places, broken three of his ribs, given the kid a concussion and turned his face into something resembling a few pounds of raw hamburger."

"Jeez!" whispered a shocked Jane.

"Needless to say 'Daddy' was not happy about it," continued Daria. "Long story short, Mr. Denton raises holy hell, despite the fact the everyone else there attested to the fact that Jimmy punched me first and Lex was just reacting to the fact that I was being attacked. So he threatens to use his connections to mess with us unless Alex is 'punished adequately for his unacceptable behavior'. Basically, he could have worked it so that Dad got fired and blackballed. Of course he did it indirectly and in ways that couldn't really be used against him if we tried to lodge a complaint of our own. We were already just getting by on Dad's salary, we would have been ruined, financially speaking."

"Wow!" commented Jane. "Wasn't there anything your Mom could have done?"

"Mom was still in law school at that point," replied Daria. "She would have gotten eaten alive by whatever counsel Denton tossed at us, and she knew it. Anyway, they talk to Grandma Ruth, my Dad's mom, and after some discussion with her and plea bargaining with Denton's people, my folks had to pay a small fine and Lex got shipped off to Grandpa and Dad's old Alma Mater, Buxton Ridge Military Academy."

"So Lex is locked away at Boot Camp for the next three years. Then, middle of our 9th grade year there's an… accident… at Buxton," said Daria hesitantly. "Lex spends the next 6 months in and out of the hospital and clinics. Of course by then Mom had her Law Degree and had passed the Texas Bar, so we got a big settlement out of Buxton on top of them paying for all of Lex's medical expenses. That sent Mom on a legal warpath. She eventually got the goods on Denton and his cronies. She got him fired and arrested, for racketeering I think, and sued the county and State for damages."

_'Yikes!'_ thought Jane. _'Mrs. M is probably one of the last people I'd want after me.'_

"We moved to Lawndale around the end of the summer…. And you know everything after that," finished Daria.

"Wow," commented Jane, still stunned by the tale Daria had just spun for her.

The raven-haired girl sat silently and stared at her friend for another minute. She could tell Daria had left out some pretty big details behind the vague references to Alex's "accident", but she chose not to press the matter.

"Well… this is awkward," stated Jane after collecting her thoughts. "Guess all those medical experiments gone horribly wrong jokes I came up with last night would be tacky right now."

"I don't know," responded Daria with a smirk. "You'd have to ask Frankenstein when he gets back."

"I knew it!" exclaimed Jane. "You built him in your basement out of the bodies of hitch hikers and pizza delivery guys didn't you."

"Hmm I guess that would make Quinn my Igor," mused Daria aloud. "Though she is a bit too perky for the job."

"Yeah, I don't really see Igor asking if his smock makes his hump look fat," said Jane with a chuckle. "And you know she'd try to color coordinate the brain jars."

"Guess I'll have to settle for you then," said Daria with her Mona Lisa smile. "Come on let's get out of here before they get back."

Jane squinted an eye and hunched her left shoulder down and lisped "Yeth Mathster."

* * *

Just after 7 PM, the front Door to the Morgendorffer House opened and in strode Quinn with the remaining Fashion Club members close behind her.

"I can't believe we missed the sale by an hour," Quinn said with an annoyed tone as she dropped her keys on the living room table.

Joey, Jeffie and Jamie each filed slowly through the front door a minute later. Each was encumbered with numerous bags, bundles and parcels of various sizes and visibly struggled to hold onto their immense burdens.

"Umm… Quinn," breathed Joey laboriously. "Where do you want this stuff?"

"Oh, just set it down on the table," the red head responded off-handedly.

Each boy began depositing their load of clothing and accessories onto the long living room table. Each shook out their sore arms and headed back out the door to retrieve the remaining bags they hadn't been able to carry on the first trip.

As they ascended the stairs, Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany continued to chatter about the discounts they had missed and the ones they had managed to make despite not making it to the store during sale hours.

Each boy carried in a large bag of low fat snack foods and vegetables into the kitchen. Just as Quinn closed the door after the last of the boys disappeared into the kitchen, the doorbell rang.

Quinn turned back to the door with a quizzical expression.

_'I wonder who that could be,' _she thought.

Quinn opened the door to see Skylar Feldman standing on her front porch.

"Hey Quinn," said Skylar in his best smooth voice.

"Umm, hi Skylar," greeted Quinn. "What brings you here?"

Skylar gave Quinn a quizzical look.

"Oh but where are my manners? Won't you come in?" invited Quinn, which cut Skylar's reply short.

Quinn stepped aside to let the boy enter the house before she closed the door behind him. Just as she was about to begin conversing further, the doorbell rang again.

"Hi Quinn!" came Brittany's bubbly greeting as the younger girl opened her front door again.

Brittany held a large bowl covered in plastic wrap and stood beside Kevin. The quarterback, dressed as usual in his full uniform and pads, held two very large brown grocery bags.

"Um… Hi Brittany. What are…" began Quinn.

She stopped in mid sentence as she noticed other classmates and students of Lawndale High walking up her front walk and parking cars along the street.

_'Oh crap!'_ thought Quinn as she pulled the perky blonde and her boyfriend into the house.

"Brittany. Could you watch the door for a minute?" asked Quinn. "I need to get the others from upstairs."

"Umm, Sure," responded the busty cheerleader happily. "Here Kevie. Take this into the kitchen."

Brittany directed Kevin to the open kitchen she could see from the door. Quinn bolted upstairs, trusting Brittany could keep things relatively calm for a few minutes.

"Ladies," commented Quinn as she entered her room and regarded Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany perusing various magazines. "We have a problem."

* * *

Daria stood in the back portion of the open dance area inside the Zon. She held a can of Ultra Cola in each hand and watched the stage with a subdued smile on her face. Her foot tapped idly in time with the music as she watched Mystik Spiral, or more pointedly Trent Lane, perform on stage.

Jane exited hurriedly from the Zon's womens' restroom and began to make her way through the crowd to her waiting friend. Jane noticed Daria's smile and followed her line of vision. The artist couldn't help but chuckle to herself when she figured out the focus of her friend's gaze.

"See something you like?" came Jane's voice from behind Daria.

"Eep!" exclaimed Daria, so startled by her friend's unannounced return and being caught mid-drool that she almost jumped out of her boots.

"I hate you," commented Daria as she struggled to get the blush spreading violently across her face under control.

Jane retrieved her can of cola from her embarrassed friend and laughed aloud.

"So what do you think? Of the Spiral I mean," asked Jane. "I already know what you think of their lead singer."

Daria gave Jane a look that could kill. Unfortunately for Daria, Jane responded to it by laughing again.

"You're lucky I have an undying respect for caffeinated beverages, or you'd be wearing this soda," deadpanned Daria with her neutral expression firmly back in place. "But to answer your question, they're definitely something."

"I'm in limbo… How low can I go?!" came Trent's raspy singing voice as the song ended with a discordant guitar flourish.

"I'm not sure exactly what they are," continued Daria, "But whatever it is they are, at least enthusiastic about it."

"Thanks," came Trent's voice over the speakers. "We're Mystik spiral, and we'll be back for the second set."

Trent set his guitar down in a rack on the stage and casually made his way over to Daria and his sister.

"Hey Janey," greeted Trent.

"Yo bro," returned Jane.

"Hey Daria," said Trent as he noticed his sister's friend.

"Um… hey," greeted Daria in almost a whisper as she fought and barely won out against the blush that threatened to explode across her face.

"You guys sounded a little different tonight," commented Jane as she took a sip from her can of cola.

_'Absolutely Terrible as opposed to Terrible,'_ joked Daria mentally.

"Yeah, we decided to try the songs with a different key. You know add a little variety to the music," responded Trent. "Didn't quite come out the way we intended."

"You guys did seem a bit off from your usual," remarked Jane between sips of cola.

_'Yeah you would have made dogs **and** cats run this time,' _thought Daria.

"What did you think of the show Daria," Trent asked smoothly.

_'Do you want to know now, or after my ears stop trying to escape from my head?'_ thought Daria.

"Um… s'ok," she whispered as she looked intently at the tops of her boots.

Jane chuckled, which drew a glare from Daria. Again, Jane simply smirked silently at her friend's embarrassment before she turned back to her brother.

"Well, as much as Daria would love to keep chattering away with you Trent," teased Jane. "It's getting late and we should probably be heading back to the Morgendorffer homestead."

"Hmm, kind of early for you to be cutting out Janey? Or is it late? I can never tell," mused Trent as he scratched his beard.

"My folks kind of have a curfew," Daria managed to say in a voice approaching normal volume.

"Yeah so we should probably get going if we don't want to be out past 11," continued Jane.

"Quinn would never let me hear the end of it if I broke my own rule," commented Daria.

"Hey you know we could be certain to get back on time if Trent gave us a ride," commented Jane with a sidelong glance towards her friend.

Daria stopped mid stride with a wide-eyed expression that, fortunately, was not visible with her back to the musician.

"Yeah, I've got about an hour before the second set. I can give you guys a ride," offered Trent.

He checked his pockets for his keys and casually made his way ahead of the girls towards the parking lot.

Daria gave Jane her best glare.

As usual Jane merely laughed the look off and replied, "Come along milady. Your chariot awaits."

"I really hate you," repeated Daria before moving towards the retreating Trent with Jane.

* * *

"What were you thinking?!" Quinn asked angrily of the three boys standing before her in the kitchen.

"We're sorry Quinn," came their pitiful reply as the three looked down at the floor.

"I specifically told you three there was NOT going to be a party here this weekend," she continued as she paced angrily back and forth in front of them.

Stacy stood with her arms crossed, and nervously watched Quinn pace angrily back and forth before the boys. She chewed idly on her bottom lip and fidgeted nervously.

"But we didn't say anything to anyone about a party," said Jamie defensively.

"Yeah," added Joey as Jeffie nodded in agreement.

"Well then, why does everyone here think Quinn was having a party then?" Stacy asked.

"Umm…" began Jamie. "Kevin called and asked what we were doing this weekend. I told him we were driving you guys to the mall since you folks were out of town and…"

"And Kevin, who probably told Brittany, assumed that there was a party because the Morgendorffers were out of town," Stacy stated.

"Arggg!" exclaimed the petite red head, which caused Stacy and the three boys to all jump back a step.

Quinn turned around and looked out past the doorway at the horde of people drinking, eating and loudly talking that were packed into the house's cozy living room. She then turned and looked at the handful of students tossing one of Kevin's footballs back and forth in the back yard.

"And Kevin and Brittany probably told the rest of the team and cheerleaders. And they told everyone else," the youngest Morgendorffer concluded.

As she turned back to give the boys further tongue lashing but was interrupted as a tall brown haired boy wearing a Lawndale Lion's Jersey walked into the kitchen with an open can of beer in his hand.

"Hey Jamie, Joey, Jeffie," the boy greeted.

The trio gave non-verbal nods to their teammate.

"Hey Stacy," he said in salutation, and received a smile and a quick wave from the pig tailed brunette.

"Hey Quinn. Great party," he continued he brought his beer to his mouth and took a long pull from the can.

"Where did you get that beer?!" Quinn asked as her angry look shifted to confusion.

"Huh? Oh, this? Kevin brought a few cases for the party," he answered as he tossed his now empty can into the trashcan.

With that statement, he used his foot to flip open the large blue cooler next to the kitchen door that Quinn had, until now, not noticed. He reached down, retrieved another can, popped the top and walked out to the backyard to toss the ball around.

"That idiot!" Quinn exclaimed angrily, which caused the three J's to jump back from the girl slightly again.

She rubbed her temples and took a deep breath.

"You three!" the girl stated as she turned her attention to her three would be suitors. "Get what's left of the beer Kevin brought out of here. I don't care what you do with it, just get it out of the house!"

With that Quinn stalked out of the kitchen and into the living room. She put her best face on and resumed playing hostess to her gathered classmates. After a few minutes, she gave a small relieved sigh as she noticed Joey and Jeffie making their way to the door leading to the garage with the two large brown paper grocery bags Kevin had brought the beer in initially. Right behind them, Jamie followed with another brown grocery bag.

_'At least that's taken care of,'_ thought Quinn. _'Last thing I need is a bunch of drunk idiots wrecking the place.' _

"God Quinn," stated Stacy from beside the red head. "Good thing we found out about the beer Kevin brought before someone got too drunk or got sick."

"No kidding," replied Quinn. "Hey, speaking of which. Where are Kevin and Brittany?"

* * *

"So Trent, what's with the change in style again," asked Jane as she, Daria and her brother rode down the quiet street in Trent's blue Satellite.

"Well," began the gangly musician. "We're trying to broaden our audience. Max heard word that there have been some talent scouts checking out the local scenes. We even did a demo tape… just in case."

"Cool," commented Jane. "Did Nick and Max manage to behave themselves at the studio or did they spend the whole time fighting as usual?"

"Studio?" Trent replied with a confused look on his face.

"Yeah, you said you guys made a demo tape… wait a minute, there aren't any music studios in Lawndale." Remarked Jane as realization set in. "You guys didn't go to a studio to make your tape did you?"

"Uh…" began Trent. "Well like you said, there aren't any studios in Lawndale. And even if there were, studio time is kinda pricey."

"How bad could it be?" asked Daria aloud.

"I'm almost afraid to find out," replied Jane to her friend before she turned back to her brother. "You got the tape on you bro?"

In response, Trent reached across his sister and opened the clutter glove box, and swerved a bit with the action.

"Eyes on the road buddy," said Jane as she smacked her brother's hand and began rummaging through the crumpled napkins and more than a few parking tickets within the compartment. Shortly, she pulled out a plain black audiocassette with "Mystik Spiral" written sloppily on the white label.

"This it?" she asked which prompted a nod from the musician.

Jane slid the tape into the stereo and hit the worn play button. The three passengers then heard the crackly sounds of what could only be Trent and his band mates moving around. The voice Jane recognized as Nick Campbell (the band's bassist) repeatedly asking if 'it was recording' and Max's frustrated confirmations made her roll her eyes. After a few more moments of static-filled arguing the voices settled down and the band began playing.

Daria winced at the sounds coming from the car's speakers. She'd heard the band practicing a few times after school on days when she and Alex decided to hang out at the Lane's before heading home. And seeing them live had done little to improve her opinion of their musical talents. However, the combination of the poor tape (and likely recording device's) quality, the horrendous acoustics of wherever the recording was taken and the general disharmony that was Mystik Spiral's 'sound' created an auditory experience that the auburn haired girl felt should be outlawed under multiple international treaties regarding torture and other human civil liberties policies.

Jane hastily stopped the tape after letting it play through one (thankfully) short song.  
"We tried to capture the emotion of the song. It's about the pain of being crushed by the corporate mentality of fast food chains…," explained Trent. "Or was it about getting a flat and having no spare?"

Jane and Daria both blinked at the young man with amused expressions.

"So… what do you think Daria?" he asked.

_'Do you want to know before or after my brain stops trying to escape through my ears and jump out of the window?'_ thought Daria.

Her witty comment couldn't make it anywhere approaching her mouth as the laid back musician's gaze seemed to turn off her ability to make an intelligible remark.

"Umm… it was… umm" stumbled Daria under the droopy-eyed gaze of her friend's brother.

"That was pretty bad Trent," interjected Jane. "Even for Spiral. How about we let someone with a more discerning musical ear listen to it and get back to you?"

_'Though I almost feel bad at the thought of what Alex is going to say,'_ she thought as she shoved the cassette into her jacket pocket.

"What in the hell?!" exclaimed Daria as the blue car pulled within sight of her house.

Jane looked up at her friends comment and noticed the large number of cars, SUV's and other vehicles parked in the Morgendorffer driveway, in front of the house and along the street. As Trent's car came to a squeaky halt before the Morgendorffer's home. All three occupants of the car looked towards the house and noted the multitude of shapes that could be seen through the front windows and the sounds of muffled music that could be heard even outside.

Daria scowled deeply as Jane opened the car door and hopped out. She brushed quickly past Jane and made a beeline to her house.

Jane leaned her head back into the car and said, "Hang tight for a minute Trent. Something tells me we might need a get-away car."

After she received a nod from her brother, Jane followed her very angry friend into the house.

Jane entered the house and came to a quick halt to prevent from running into Daria. The bespectacled girl was standing just inside the front doorway frowning deeply and surveying the large gathering of teens milling about the living room. A flash of red hair near the kitchen doorway caught Daria's attention and she began weaving her way through the gathered crowd.

* * *

Quinn excused herself from the small group of boys that had been attempting flirt with her. Any other time in any other place, she would likely have let them shower her with compliments until they were blue in the face. Tonight, however, she had no interest in small talk, much less flirting.

Quinn weaved through the throng of her classmates and entered the kitchen. Thankfully the gathered partiers seemed to have decided the living room or back yard were the best places to enjoy themselves. As result, the kitchen remained empty, with the exception of Fashion Club members and the occasional visit from Joey, Jeffie or Jaime.

Quinn entered the kitchen and pulled the sliding wooden door, recessed in doorway closed, visibly separating the kitchen room from the living room.

"Ugh," muttered Quinn aloud as she sank into one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

"Everything OK?" asked Stacy from the bar counter.

"As well as can be expected," replied the Quinn. "The boys got rid of the beer Kevin brought and are keeping the team entertained in the back yard. We still have a house full of people but at least nothing is broken… yet."

She let out a sigh, folded her arms on the table and laid her head across them.

"So far we've got things under control," she said tiredly.

"While it's all well and good that you've got things 'under control'…"

Quinn's eyes went wide at the sound of her sister's angry voice. She turned slowly to find Daria standing behind her with arms crossed and an expression that matched older girl's tone.

"The better question would be, why is there a party going on here in the first place?" finished Daria.

Jane slid the door closed behind her as Quinn began a hasty explanation of the events leading up to the impromptu party going on around them. She rolled her eyes at Quinn's rushed, and rather whiney, recounting of events.

"So if I'm hearing this right," Daria stated flatly. "Jamie told Kevin about our parents being out of town. Kevin assumed that meant we were having a party and told everyone else."

Quinn merely nodded in response.

"That is the most idiotic thing I've heard all day," remarked Daria. "But sadly it makes perfect sense if you use 'Kevin Logic'."

"'Kevin Logic', talk about an oxymoron," added Jane.

"Ox moron? Is that like, being dumb as an ox?" asked Quinn.

"No, it's when you put two ideas with opposite meanings together," answered Jane.

"Although in this case she's still right," quipped Daria. "Either way, we need to get these people out of here... now."

"But Daaaa-riaaaa," whined Quinn. "I can't just throw them out."

"Why not?" asked Daria with a raised eyebrow. "They weren't invited. There isn't even supposed to be a party. We tell them to leave. Simple solution to a simple problem."

"Ugh, you just don't get it Daria," responded Quinn indignantly.

"Yeah, Quinn can't just throw them out," added Stacy. "It would make her look like a bad hostess, and potentially ruin any chances for having another successful party later."

"And frankly," added Sandi as she and Tiffany entered the kitchen from the dining room door. "Quinn is like, still establishing herself at Lawndale. Her fledgling popularity couldn't take a hit like that."

"And we can't have that now can we?" asked Daria with her usual sarcasm. "Well if Quinn can't throw them out, then I guess it's a good thing I'm here."

And with that statement, the girl slid open the kitchen door and walked into the living room.

Jane and the fashion club members looked at each other for a moment before they also moved quickly out of the kitchen.

Daria forced her way through the press of people in the moderately sized living room.

"Excuse me," she said, in a loud monotone.

Unfortunately, her voice wasn't loud enough to carry over the din of mingling teens.

Quinn watched as her sister tried several more times to get the attention of the partiers to no avail. She beckoned to Jane standing with the Fashion Club near the kitchen door. When the taller girl finally made her way to Daria's side, Quinn saw Daria say something into Jane's ear as the artist leaned close enough to hear. Jane reached into her pocket and handed something to Daria with a disconcerting grin on her face.

_'This ought to get their attention,' _thought Daria with a smirk to herself.

The cacophony of discordant noise, static and barely discernable singing assaulted the ears of the gathered and immediately derailed all conversations. All eyes turned towards the stereo, and as result Daria. Jane tapped her friend's shoulder and brought her attention to the fact that the football players in the backyard had apparently come in to investigate the strange noises as well. Once satisfied that all eyes were on her, Daria pressed the stop button on the stereo system and ejected Mystik Spiral's "demo tape".

"Now that I have your attention," Daria began as she handed the tape back to Jane. "I'm sure that my sister would like to thank you for coming out. She would probably also have some sweet and genial way of letting you know that the festivities are winding down."

Daria paused for a moment to push her glasses up to a more comfortable position on her nose before continuing.

"I, however, am not my sister," continued the girl in her typical monotone as she made her way around the gathered people and opened the front door. "So I will simply say this. You weren't invited... The party is over... Get out."

* * *

Quinn smiled and waved goodbye to what appeared to be the last of her fellow students, then closed the front door and joined the other resident and invited house guests in the kitchen.

"That's everyone," announced the red head. "God, I thought they'd never leave."

"Here Quinn, have a seat," offered Joey as he pulled out one of the chairs from the kitchen table.

"Here, have a soda Quinn," offered Jeffie as he popped open a diet soda and poured it into an ice filled glass.

"How about a… ummm…" began Jamie as he frowned in the realization that the other two had again beaten him to the punch.

"They never should have been here in the first place," reminded Daria as she shook her head at the sycophantic behavior of the three boys.

"I'm just glad it didn't get rowdy. It was awesome the way you got rid of the beer Kevin brought. And how you had everything organized. And I loved the way you had the boys take care of the football team…" rambled Stacy.

"Yes Quinn," added Sandi with a silencing glare to Stacy.

"You handled the situation… adequately," the scowling brunette begrudgingly agreed.

"Break your arms patting yourselves on the back after we get this place cleaned up," stated Daria flatly as she turned back towards the open doorway to survey the cluttered living room.

The other girls followed Daria's gaze before they looked around the kitchen. Without a word they each began moving to various portions of the ground floor. Quinn walked through the kitchen and peeked into the dining room. Sandi and Tiffany continued to survey the living room (although Tiffany spent more time surveying the mirror near the front door).

The girls quickly came to the conclusion that, despite keeping the party from getting out of hand, the entire ground floor of the house was covered in empty cups, plates and other random trash.

Daria frowned at the mess the house had become.

"Man, this place is trashed," commented Jeffie idly, which drew a glare from Quinn. "Uhh, sorry Quinn."

"I've seen worse. But this is going to take a while to clean," agreed Jane.

"You guys get started down here. I'm going to check out the damage upstairs," commented Daria as she headed to and ascended the stairs.

"Hey Janey," came Trent's voice from the open front door. "You guys cool? I really need to get back in time for the second set."

"Go on and head back Trent," answered Jane. "We should be good now."

"GAHHH! What are you… GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!" came Daria's angry yell from upstairs.

"Or maybe not," Jane corrected herself.

The other girls looked up in confusion at the exclamation. For all but Quinn it was the first time they had heard Daria speak in anything other than her typical detached monotone. Their confusion was short lived as less than a minute later, a rumpled Brittany, with her shirt on backwards, and shirtless Kevin made all due haste down the stairs and out the door, nearly knocking an equally startled Trent over. Each of the girls and especially Trent couldn't help but notice the unmistakable flash of bare tanned backside as Brittany's skirt was caught for a moment by the wind as she ran to Kevin's Jeep.

"Woah," commented Trent with a long glance back as the still shirtless Kevin gunned his Jeep's engine and quickly peeled away from the house.

"What in the…" said Jane before it clicked.

_'Oh boy,'_ thought the raven-haired girl. _'Been nice knowing you Quinn.'_

A similar thought went through the minds of the other girls as Daria literally stomped down the steps, with icy murder in her eyes.

"Daria?" Quinn hesitantly asked only to be silenced by her sister raising her hand.

"Jane…" began Daria tightly after she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Can I stay at your place tonight?"

"Uh… OK… I guess," responded Jane warily.

Without saying anything else, Daria walked out the door, down the walkway and slid back into Trent's Satellite.

Quinn looked around the house again and ran out to the battered Plymouth. She saw her sister sitting in the car with her arms crossed. The younger Morgendorffer moved to the passenger side.

"Daria, you can't stay at Jane's tonight. We have to clean up the house," Quinn insisted through the rolled down window.

"Good luck with that," replied Daria coldly staring straight ahead through the front windshield.

"But Daaaa-riaaaah," whined Quinn.

"You can whine, cry, scream and bitch all you want," remarked Daria as Jane and Trent came into her peripheral vision.

Trent opened the driver's side door and waited for his sister to slide in next to Daria before getting behind the wheel himself.

"I had every intention of helping you clean up the house. I wasn't even going to rail you too hard about it since it honestly wasn't your fault people thought there was a party here this weekend," she continued as she turned to finally face her little sister.

"But that all went out the window the moment I found the 'Walking Lobotomy' trying to oil his squeaky windup toy in my bed," the irate girl explained.

"Oh my god Daria! I am so sorry! I told everyone upstairs was off limits and just figured no one would actually try anything if they did go into your room with it being the way it is," came Quinn's hasty rambling apology.

"Never underestimate the ability of Kevin and Brittany to not care where they make out," reminded Jane.

"My only consolation is that Kevin at, least, still had his underwear on," added Daria. "Ratboy boxers in case you were curious."

"Daria! Ewwww!" complained Quinn as she scowled in disgust.

"That's a mental image that isn't going away any time soon," remarked Jane with a grimace.

"You get the mental image. I got the wide screen, high definition version," said Daria flatly.

"Needless to say, that pretty much killed any and all fleeting desire I had to help clean up your mess," she continued with a finger point to Quinn at the last statement. "So on that note, I wish you and the Fashion Club all the best luck getting the house clean enough to keep Mom from realizing there was a party here, despite her express orders to the contrary."

"But Daria, you've seen the house," whined Quinn again. "It's going to like take all of us to clean up that mess before Mom and Dad get back tomorrow."

"And this is me not giving a damn any more," replied Daria without a pause. "No punishment Mom could come up with can compare to what I just had to see. Now if you'll excuse us, Trent has another set to perform tonight, my brain has an appointment with the nearest bottle of bleach and you have a lot of cleaning to do."

Taking Daria's comment as a cue, Trent started the car's engine, shifted into gear and slowly pulled into now relatively empty street.

* * *

The yellow Volvo meandered casually down the relatively empty street on a bright Sunday morning.

"Sorry about that," stated Charles. "I forgot to restock the breakfast fare before you came over Friday."

He brought the car to a stop as the light before them turned red and turned to his friend.

"Don't worry about it, " replied Alex. "We ate takeout and delivery for two days. Why break that trend now?"

"True," agreed the freckled boy. "Besides, nothing we cooked would compare to the spread at All Things Breakfast."

"Let me borrow your phone," requested Alex.

"Sure," replied Charles as he withdrew his cell from shirt pocket and handed it over without taking his eyes off the road. "Everything cool?"

"Yeah, I planned on heading back early. Might as well see if the girls want breakfast too," Responded Alex as he dialed his house.

"Hello?" came the weary voice of Quinn after the sixth ring.

"Hey Pip," Alex replied with a smile. "I'm on the way home. Charles and I are going to stop and grab some breakfast first. Just wanted to know whether you and Dia wanted me to pick something up. "

"I want pancakes," stated Quinn sleepily.

_'Quinn only eats pancakes when she's feeling down or is stressed out,'_ Alex thought.

"Everything OK?" Alex asked, concern clearly present in his voice.

"I'm just tired," responded Quinn. "We were up all night cleaning."

"Guess Dia and Jane are still asleep then if you guys were up all night," mused Alex aloud.

"I don't know," said Quinn with a yawn. "They ditched us last night after the party."

"Ditched you? Why would they… Wait… what party?" asked Alex as all of his sister's statement sank in.

"Umm… well… uhhh," stumbled Quinn verbally, all drowsiness gone from her voice.

"Quinn," Alex said in a chastising voice. "What party?"

He jerked the phone away from his ear as a rapid stream of unintelligible apologetic nonsense came out of the device.

"Woah! Woah! Quinn… breathe," the boy asserted, which ended the non-stop whiny sounds coming from the phone.

"Where are Jane and Dia now?" he asked in as calm a voice as he could muster.

"Daria left to stay at Jane's last night, so I guess they're still there," answered Quinn.

"OK, we're going to stop and pick them up, then head home," the boy said. "Someone is going to tell me what in the world is going on."

"OK," answered Quinn with a sigh. "Umm… you're still bringing pancakes right?

"I'll bring you the biggest stack of pancakes I can find OK," offer the boy in a reassuring tone.

"And strawberry syrup?" asked Quinn hesitantly.

"And strawberry syrup," affirmed Alex with a chuckle.

The bespectacled boy closed the cell and passed it back to his freckled friend.

"And what, pray tell, was that about?" asked Upchuck as he slid the phone into his shirt pocket. "I thought I heard 'party'."

"Oh you did," confirmed Alex as he rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses.

"Didn't your mom…" began Charles

"Yep," said Alex.

"Didn't they…" spoke the red haired boy again.

"Yep," came Alex's quick reply.

"And they had one anyway?" Upchuck asked.

"Yep," answered the auburn haired boy. "You know who to get to Howard Drive?"

"111 right?" asked Charles rhetorically.

"Well you are definitely keeping your Stalker-fu skills finely honed," commented Alex after a pause, with a raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"While the ravishing Ms. Lane would definitely be a quarry worth hunting… my knowledge of her residence is solely due to my impeccable, or rather my photographic memory," Charles responded at length. "I had to help troubleshoot the online school directory. I know everyone's address. Even the teachers."

"Ah, OK. That's only slightly less creepy," remarked Alex.

As Charles turned his Volvo to head towards the crossroad that would take them to Howard Drive a thought occurred to Alex.

"Wait a minute. The school directory includes telephone number," he commented. "Why did you ask Angie for hers Thursday?"

"My friend you have much to learn," replied the red haired teen with his customary toothy grin. "It's not about _knowing_ a girl's number. It's about obtaining that information from directly from her. It's a matter of her demonstrating her own interest in you romantically."

"And how has that worked out for you?" asked Alex teasingly.

Charles only coughed in response, which prompted Alex to laugh aloud.

"Yeah, yeah. And how many of the lovely ladies of Lawndale have given you their numbers?" Charles fired back with a smirk.

"Not counting Jane? None," Alex admitted in defeat as they pulled up to the Lane home.

Charles glanced at his friend with a raised eyebrow.

"Be back in a few," stated Alex as he hopped out of the car and headed down the walk way towards the house, forestalling any further comment from his friend.

_'Why wouldn't he count Jane?'_ mused Charles to himself.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Alex as he turned in the seat to look at Daria and Jane in the back seat of the Volvo. "Quinn 'accidentally' had a party because one of 'the Trio' told Kevin our folks were out of town, and Kevin assumed that meant party and invited everyone else in school?"

"In a nutshell? Yes," answered Daria, dressed in an over large Mystik Spiral t-shirt and a borrowed pair of Jane's sweats.

"That is the most asinine and idiotic thing I've heard all week," Alex remarked.

"We are talking about Kevin here," commented Jane, dressed similarly as to Daria, as she reached into and began rummaging around one of the bags of breakfast food.

"Makes perfect sense to me," commented Charles.

"Excuse me?" asked Alex clearly not having understood his friend's comment.

"My friend you fail to grasp the social dynamic of Lawndale High," the freckled boy stated. "Quinn is part of the popular crowd. The rules of engagement are completely different for them than it is for we mere plebes. In that stratified circle, when one's parents go out of town for 24 hours or more, there is almost a legal requirement to throw a party."

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard," stated Alex with a shake of his head.

"It may be dumb… but that's how it works," responded Jane between bites of French toast sticks.

"OK, I'll accept that," conceded Alex. "But that still doesn't explain why you and Dia cut out on Quinn last night. Mom is going to bury all three of us if she finds out there was a party… And I wasn't even there."

"Trust me, you don't want to know," responded Daria flatly. "Let's just say I'll never be able to look at a Ratboy comic the same again."

Alex quirked an eyebrow at his sister, then looked to Jane, who merely chuckled and silently mouthed 'I'll tell you later'.

The remainder of the short trip between the Lane and Morgendorffer residences was quiet, save for the sounds of Jane enthusiastically enjoying her 2nd helping of French toast.

* * *

"Lucy I'm home!" called Alex as he entered his house for the first time in two days. He unslung his duffel bag from his shoulder and set his set it down on the couch.

The sound of running could be heard from upstairs, and was quickly followed by the sight of a pink pajama clad Quinn rushing down the stairs.

"Pancakes!" exclaimed Quinn as she snatched the large plastic bags from her brother's hand and immediately dashed towards the kitchen.

"Good to see you too," commented Alex with a smile. "Hey Stacy. You guys have a rough night or something."

Daria, Jane and Upchuck stepped fully into the living room and noticed the brown haired girl descending the last step. She too was still clad in her pajamas and her hair, again, was in a single thick braid.

"You could say that," came Stacy's reply after a yawn, as she made her own way to the kitchen.

Alex glanced to the steps and raised an eyebrow as he wondered when the other half of the Fashion Club was going to join them. After a minute with no further signs or sounds from upstairs Alex turned to Jane and Daria.

"Someone want to tell me what in the world happened last night?" Alex asked.

"I'd love to," began Daria. "But I'm starving."

And with that, the elder Morgendorffer sister moved past her brother to join Quinn and Stacy in the kitchen.

* * *

The girls had plates of pancakes with bottles of maple and strawberry syrup before them. While Jane simply cut her pancakes into quarters to be stuffed into her mouth, Quinn carefully cut her pancake into neat bite sized pieces. Daria didn't bother pre-sectioning her pancakes, and simply used her fork to make triangular pieces that she immediately ate as soon as they were cut.

Alex merely sat in his place at the table with an untouched plate of scrambled eggs and bacon before him. His only action was to blink in disbelief as Jane and Stacy finished their alternating retelling the events that lead to the party and the events that followed its end.

Upchuck was recovering from nearly choking on his orange juice. He had been drinking when Stacy got to the point of explaining Brittany's special exit performance. Several comments came to mind, but instead of voicing them he chose to resume sipping his juice, albeit more slowly this time.

With a slow blink and quick shake of his head, Alex picked up his dropped fork and speared a fluffy chunk of scrambled egg.

"Well that definitely explains Dia and Jane. But where are Sandi and Tiffany?" began Alex as he resumed eating his own breakfast.

"Well as soon as Daria and Jane left, Sandi left too," responded Stacy. "She made some lame excuse about needing to be back home early for church in the morning. Which I didn't buy for a minute because her family always attends afternoon services on Sundays. And since she was our ride, Tiffany left too."

Stacy then stopped eating and simply glanced around nervously before she added, "Not that her excuse was lame or anything, just unusual… Please don't tell her I called her lame! Oh god you're going to tell her aren't you?!"

_'For the love of…'_ thought Jane, disgusted at Stacy's unwarranted blubbering.

"Calm down Stacy," soothed Alex as he noticed the girl appeared to be on the verge of hyperventilating, sobbing or both.

"Staaaaaaa-cy, relax," drawled Quinn as she finished chewing and swallowing a mouthful of pancake. "No one's going to tell Sandi anything. Besides, I wouldn't have been able to get the house clean without you," the red head added with a reassuring pat to Stacy's shoulder.

"I just couldn't leave you to clean it all up by yourself Quinn," stated Stacy once she had calmed sufficiently down.

"That was nice of you Stacy," added Alex casually as he rummaged in the food bags for more butter.

Stacy blushed at the thanks but quickly covered it up by digging into her stack of pancakes.

"And on that note I have something to take care of," commented Daria cryptically as she stood up and exited the kitchen.

Everyone watched Daria leave the kitchen before they resumed conversing.

"At least Joey, Jeffy and Jorel stuck around," remarked Quinn as she began finished the last bite of her pancake.

"Oh please," interjected Jane around her current mouthful of food. "As if your puppy pack would abandon you in your time of need. I bet they were practically fighting each other to see who could pick up the most trash."

"It was their fault people thought we were having a party in the first place. It was only fair that they help clean up the mess," responded Quinn with a smile as she slid another pancake onto her plate and covered it with thick red tinted strawberry syrup.

"Slow down there princess," commented Jane as she watched Quinn dig into her second pancake. "Isn't it against like twenty or so Fashion Club bylaws or whatever to have a second helping of food?"

"For your information, these are whole grain pancakes and low fat syrup… Besides pancake calories don't count," replied Quinn with a smile.

"Aren't you afraid tarnishing your image when the school finds out that the magic Quinn is an uncontrollable pancake junkie?" asked Jane teasingly.

"Oh puh-lease," stated Quinn with a dismissive wave of her hand. "How many pancakes is that for you?"

"How many miles do you run in the average week again?" retorted Jane as she speared another quarter of a pancake and swirled it in the syrup on her plate. "And I'll have you know I like the tarnish on my image. It adds a touch of color."

"Besides, its not like there's anyone here that would say anything," stated Quinn.

Everyone paused at Quinn's last comment and turned to look towards Stacy. To their surprise the brown haired girl looked up from her plate, which held stack of four syrup-drenched pancakes. She then looked at the others staring at her, and issued a food muffled "What?"

Alex and Jane laughed aloud, Upchuck chuckled quietly and even Quinn giggled at Stacy. Stacy smiled as well as she could with her mouth stuffed with pancake.

The laughter was cut short as Daria entered the kitchen, dressed in her usual skirt and jacket ensemble. She walked casually through the room, dragging her bed sheets behind her. Without a word, the bespectacled girl continued to walk past the gathered group and out the back door. Everyone looked at each other in confusion for a moment before she returned and began rummaging through the cabinets and drawers before exiting the back door again with a large box of stick matches and bottle of lighter fluid in her hands. The gathered group turned and through the window, watched as Daria set the matches and bottle down then dragged her bedding over to the concrete slab that held her father's large outdoor grill. She struggled for a moment to remove the cooking grate and set it down on the slab before she stuffed her sheets into the grill itself.

"She's not going to," began Alex as he and the others watched his sister retrieve the lighter fluid and use it to spray the bedding inside the grill thoroughly.

As if in response, Daria took a few steps back, picked up the matches from the ground, struck three of them and tossed the burning wooden sticks into the grill. An audible 'Whoosh' could be heard even inside as the flammable liquid soaked cotton sheets burst into flames.

After watching the flames for a few seconds to ensure, the grill kept them contained, Daria returned to the house. Alex was about to say something to his twin, but the girl continued to walk through the kitchen. Her footsteps could be heard again climbing the stairs, and a few minutes later she returned to the kitchen.

Again Alex was about to speak but the sight of Daria holding a ruler with a pair of pink panties with bunnies on the end of it forestalled his question. As before, Daria made no comment and simply walked back out of the back door towards the flaming grill. She flipped the brightly colored undergarment into the flame and crossed her arms as she watched the fire.

* * *

Alex, Daria, Jane and Upchuck stood in the bedding section of Lawndale's Mega-Lo-Mart. Daria and Jane stood beside a shopping cart holding a different color of plastic packaged sheet set in each of their hands.

"Next time we do this at your house," Daria said to Jane as she tossed the vacuum-sealed bundle of lavender bed linen into the shopping cart. After a moment's pause, she tossed the beige set that matched her original top sheet into the cart and had Jane add the black and blue set to the cart as well.

"Cool," said Jane around a mouthful of cocktail weenies and processed cheese swiped from the tray of free samples. "And since you were kind enough to offer me your brother's oh so comfy bed, I guess that means I have to return the favor. So you get to sleep in my brother's bed."

Daria began to blush almost neon red at the comment and scowled at her friend before she said, "I hate you."

"Your brother?" asked Upchuck. "The one in the rock band?"

"The one and same," replied Jane.

'_Well, well, well. Looks like the lovely Ms. Morgendorffer has a weakness for would be rock stars,'_ mused Upchuck as he noticed the deep blush on Daria's embarrassed face.

"What is it with girls and musicians?" asked Upchuck aloud as he turned to Alex.

"No clue," responded Alex after swallowing. "Probably the leather pants."

"I'll be sure to tell Trent to wear his leathers next time we go see Spiral play," teased Jane, which drew an even icier glare from Daria.

Alex chuckled lightly as he popped another cheese covered mini hotdog of his own into his mouth.

"Of course, since I got to sleep in Alex's bed, he'll naturally have to sleep in mine next time," continued the raven-haired girl.

Alex merely chuckled at the statement and his sister's embarrassment.

"But don't worry, there's enough room for us both," continued Jane with a grin and a wink at the boy.

Alex's eyes went wide and he began coughing profusely trying to dislodge the bite-sized hotdog he had just inhaled at hearing the artist's comment.

_'No clue my ass,'_ thought Upchuck with a smirk.

"Man you two are just too easy," said Jane as she laughed freely at Alex and Daria's reactions and continued to walk down the aisle of the store, with two very embarrassed, blushing (and in one case, choking) twins looking after her.

"Fiesty!" said Upchuck with a grin towards the retreating Jane before he moved to check on his choking friend.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Thanks to my brother friends and all the folks at PPMB for proofing this for me

I never intended to put out an installment with this much purely original content this soon in the series. However, I've never been a big fan of episode 3 of the series, outside of the daydream sequences (which I felt weren't really necessary here). It didn't really do anything for the character development or come across as anything more than moderately humorous filler. That always struck me as unusual for such an early episode of a series. It probably wouldn't have been quite so misplaced had it been placed in a later season, but as the 3rd episode of the series it stands out to me. And not in a good way.

Chapter 4 should pull from a more canonical perspective so it shouldn't take anywhere near as long for me to update again (this one is over 95% original materia

Some dialog from: _College Bored_ by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria.

For those interested I'm using the layout of the Morgendorffer's house found Outpost Daria in the Art Gallery section

The only difference from that layout, being the additional door from the living room to the garage (next to the living room closet below the stairs).


	5. Open Mic Night

Firstly, I have made a few minor adjustments to the previous chapters to clean up some of their interactions and gel their personality traits a little more in tune with where I want to take them. Those who have already read the 1st 3 chapters might want to take a little time to re-read previous chapters.

Secondly, Dear lord has it been a year since I started this thing? 4 chapters seems like more and less than I expected to do.

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Open Mic Night**

Jane opened the front door of her home and greeted her two best friends with a semi-lucid "Yo."

"Morning to you too sunshine," responded Daria dully, drawing a smirk from her brother.

"Here… hold this," stated Jane through yawns as she shoved her full coffee cup into Alex's hand.

The young man brought the cup closer to his face and inhaled the aroma.

"This isn't your usual instant stuff," he commented.

He and Daria had been witness to Jane's usual morning routine on multiple occasions and could definitely tell the coffee in the cup was of a much higher quality from its much richer and fuller aroma.

"Oh yeah, this stuff is a big step up from the instant crystals," Jane responded as she stowed a large thermos into her backpack. "Mom came back from… Sue Tommy, or something like that a week ago,"

"Sao Tome?" corrected Daria inquisitively.

"That's it. Anyway, she brought a bunch of colored linen and a metric crap-load of the stuff with her. She even brought a new coffee grinder with her. Takes a little more work to make a pot, but definitely worth it."

"I can imagine. The stuff smells strong," remarked Alex. "Good, but strong."

"Just the way I like it," Jane replied, as she took a long sip from the steaming cup.

"It also comes in handy when I run out of paint thinner," the artist remarked as the trio began their morning sojourn to Lawndale High.

"So you guys hear about the break-in at **.Com** last night?" Jane asked after they had walked for a few minutes in amiable silence.

"I saw something about it in the paper this morning," replied Daria. "Did they run something on the TV news this morning?"

"No clue," answered Jane after swallowing a mouthful of coffee. "Trent told me about it last night. He and the guys drove past it on the way home from McGrundy's and said there were a bunch of cop cars in front of the place."

"The paper said that the front window was smashed and six of the computers were taken," remarked Daria.

"As much as I'd love to have a computer," began Jane between sips of coffee. "I just can't see myself trashing a coffee shop to get one."

"So… no need to search Stately Lane Manor for purloined electronics?" asked Alex jokingly.

"I don't like moving my easel from one room to another. Can you see me running through the streets of Lawndale toting six computer towers?"

"Fair enough," replied Alex with a chuckle as an image of Jane hunched over with six computers strapped to her back, like a cybernetic Sherpa floated through his head.

Jane downed the last of her coffee in one gulp and stashed the empty cup in her pack as she and the twins approached the front driveway of the school.

* * *

"Alright class! I've got your tests from yesterday graded." came the shrill, nasally voice of Janet Barch.

The 40ish woman picked up the stack of papers and turned her slit eyed gaze upon the students of her sophomore science class. Her face settled into its all too familiar disdainful scowl as she surveyed the right side of the classroom; the side of the room on which she had segregated the male students.

"MacKenzie!" barked the woman, "Get up here and return these pitiful tests to the rest of your testosterone poisoned so-called half of the human species!"

"Yes ma'am," replied Mack as quickly rose from his seat and walked to the front of the class.  
He accepted the papers from Barch, carefully ensuring he avoided direct eye contact with the woman, and then quickly began distributing them to the other male students.

"Brittany," said the teacher in a vastly different, almost cheerful tone. "Be a dear and pass these out to the young ladies."

"Sure Ms. Barch," chirped the busty cheerleader.

Brittany hopped out of her seat and cheerily began handing papers out to the girls.

Daria looked at the test paper she had just been handed and gave a subdued smiled at the "100 A+" circled in the top corner.

Jane accepted the paper from Brittany and grinned. She held her quiz up to the side to show Daria.  
Daria glanced over towards Jane and noted the "80 B-" and gave her friend a thumbs up.

_'Looks like studying with the dynamic duo paid off after all,'_ thought Jane as she set her quiz back onto her desk and opened her text book to the chapter Barch mentioned.

Daria turned to her brother sitting beside her on the 'Male' side of the center aisle and immediately took notice of his confused expression.

"There was some improvement from the last quiz. But not enough for my satisfaction, which tells me we need to go back over some of the material in the previous chapter," the teacher began as she turned to the blackboard and began erasing the chalk inscribed words from it.

"Um… Ms. Barch," the boy began. "I think there's been a mistake with my grade."

Daria craned her neck and saw '71 C-' boldly displayed on the top corner of Alex's quiz.

_'What in the…'_ began Daria mentally as she unconsciously raised an eyebrow at her brothers, less than stellar grade.

Movement in his peripheral vision caused, Alex to turn his head towards the other boys in the class. Charles, Mack and a few of the others were shaking their heads violently at him and/or making Stop/Don't/Turn back now motions.

Alex felt the paper being removed from his hand and turned to see his sister examining his quiz.

_'What in the world could he have answered that poorly to get such a low grade?'_ Daria asked herself as she placed her brother's quiz on her desk beside her own and began alternating her gaze between the two papers.

_'The multiple-choice answers are the same as mine. Looks like those are marked correctly,'_ she thought as she compared the two tests. _'Hmmm… looks like all of the essay and a good number of the fill-in-the-blank questions are marked as wrong.'_

The distraction created by his male cohorts' exaggerated warnings and his sister taking the quiz from his hand prevented the boy from immediately noticing Ms. Barch had moved from the blackboard to a position directly in front of his desk.

"So you have a problem with my grading method _Mister_ Morgendorffer?!" demanded Barch fiercely. "Think I should have gone easy on you like the other teachers?!"

Alex leaned back in his seat as much as the rigid frame would allow, and stared at the raving teacher with a confused and worried expression.

"Well you may get breezed through by your worthless male teachers, but you're not going to get a free ride in their classes, but not in my house mister!" the woman raved as she leaned in and glared at Alex.

"Ms Barch," Daria interrupted. "These answers are right."

"What?!" exclaimed the fuming teacher.

"If you compare his to mine," continued Daria, ignoring the hostility radiating off the older woman as she held up both Alex's test and her own. "His answers are either the same or close enough to mine to be counted correct. That assumes the 100 you gave me wasn't an error as well..."

Further argument was cut short by the sounding of the bell.

"Well since there seems to have been a problem with the grading of the tests," resumed the disgruntled teacher. "That means we'll just have to have another test tomorrow, now won't we?"

The students let out complaints of varying degree as they gathered their belongings and began filing out of the room for their next class.

No one noticed the cold glare Ms. Barch leveled at the back of Alex as he, Jane and Daria left the class.

* * *

"You know you're not going to survive much longer if you keep antagonizing the raging she-beast like that," remarked Jane as she and the twins made their way to their next class.

"Hey, it's not my fault she miss-graded my test. I'm not going to screw up my GPA because her ex-husband did a job on her," replied Alex. "But seriously, what was up with the grade she gave me?"

"It's almost as if she purposefully counted his answers wrong," stated Daria casually.

"Knowing Barch, that's exactly what she did," responded Jane.

The twins came to a stop and looked at Jane with inquisitive expressions. The artist realized the pair was no longer walking and turned around.

"You're… serious aren't you?" asked Daria.

Alex merely stood in place and blinked in obvious disbelief.

"Why wouldn't I be," asked Jane as if it were the most normal response in the world.

"OK…" began Alex as his brain restarted and the trio began walking again. "So she grades the guys more… strictly than she grades the girls?"

"That's a nice way of putting it," replied Jane. "She grades the students the same way she treats them.

"So she screws the guys over and breezes the girls through," stated Daria.

"Got it in one," replied Jane.

Alex furrowed his brow and angrily stated, "That is the most unethical pile of crap I've ever heard!"

"This is Lawndale High," retorted Jane. "I'm sure having no ethics is a pre-requisite for a teaching position here."

_'Especially with Li running things,' _added Jane mentally.

"True," conceded Daria. "But that doesn't explain why she hasn't been 'miss-grading' Lex's other tests and quizzes until now."

"That's actually the easy part to figure out," remarked Alex. "Up to this point, she's been giving us multiple choice ONLY exams."

"Good point," added Jane. "She couldn't screw the guy's tests over without either screwing the girls over as well or making it blatantly obvious that she's playing gender favorites."

"It's still insane that she's even been allowed to pull a stunt like that," the boy continued. "It's even more unbelievable that she's been able to do it for long enough that the student's consider it par for the course."

"Well the girls don't really have a problem, so we're generally not going to complain. Lord knows, with my grades, I'm not going to turn down a slight upward bump here and there," stated the raven-haired girl.

"Fair enough," stated Alex. "But I can't believe the guys just lay down and let her walk all over their grades like that."

"Well most of them are only skating by in their classes anyway," Jane responded. "And even if they weren't, they're probably too scared of the woman to complain about it. Hell, until you two showed up, I'd say Mack, Jodie and Upchuck were the only people to get A's and B's regularly enough for it to even matter much."

"So how are Mack and Charles getting 'normal' grades when the rest of the boys don't?" asked Daria.

"Mack is captain of the football team. The last thing Barch wants to do is piss Li off because she flunked someone bringing 'Honor and Glory to Lawndale High'," Jane reminded the pair. "It probably ticks her off that she has to give him decent grades."

"Jodie doesn't strike me as the kind to be OK with her boyfriend being given a free ride through his classes?" asked Daria with a small scowl.

"Who said anything about being given a free ride?" Jane replied.

"You just said Barch is upset about having to 'give him decent grades'," reminded Alex

"Well yeah. Barch hates having to give the guys any kind of credit. You guys should have been here when he got his 1st A from her," Jane said with a chuckle. "I swear I thought she was going to explode."

Jane stopped laughing as she realized what Daria had implied.

"Wait. You thought Barch was being forced to pass Mack?" she asked.

The twins glanced at each other and nodded.

"Jeez you two," said Jane with a roll of her eyes. "Mack earns his grades kids. If it was just about the team getting passed do you honestly think the J's or, Heaven forbid, Kevin would have more than the C's and D's they get in her class when Mack brings home B's?"

"Wait that doesn't explain why Charles isn't flunking her class," commented Alex. "We all know he's definitely earning his A's."

"True, and Upchuck isn't on any of the teams. How's he avoiding the 'Barch Effect'?" inquired Daria.

"Probably has to do with his dad being a former Lawndale Lion himself," replied Jane. "I remember Jodie saying something once about Mr. Ruttheimer being one of the bigger Alumni Fund donors."

"And if there's anything Ms. Li values more than Honor and Glory, it's financial backing," added Daria. "Li would go out of her way to avoid upsetting an alumnus who has children attending the school."

"Especially one with deep pockets," finished Jane with a smirk. "And you can definitely bet _that _ticks her off. Especially when Upchuck acts like… well… Upchuck."

"So I have to either join the football team or get Mom and Dad to donate a wing to the school to get graded fairly by Barch," grumbled Alex dejectedly. "It just gets better and better here every day."

_'We'll figure something out,' _Daria thought as she watched her brother complain about their latest educational revelation.

The three soon reached their lockers and saw Brittany, Mack and Kevin conversing.

"Excuse us," said Daria, which cause both football players to look behind the quarterback.

Daria and Alex stood behind Kevin looking expectantly at the lockers he was leaning against. Jane leaned casually against the lockers behind them and gave a salutatory nod to Mack.

"Hey," greeted Mack as he pulled Kevin away from the twins' lockers.

"Hey Daria, you're a chick, right?" asked Kevin.

"Unless things have made a drastic change since this morning, yes," deadpanned Daria as she turned the combination knob a final time and opened her locker.

"Like, why should I be interested in anything this Shakespeare guy says?" asked Kevin, completely missing the sarcasm pouring off of the petite girl's reply.

"You? Well..." said Daria with a contemplative pause. "Hamlet does have a skull in it."

"And don't forget the sword fights in Romeo and Juliet," added Alex as his sister stepped aside to allow him access to the lower locker beneath hers.

"Actually, most of Shakespeare's plays had a fight or battle of some kind," commented Mack as he closed his locker.

"Really?" asked Kevin with an enthusiastic expression. "Cool."

"Though his tragedies always seem a bit too 'Days of Our Lives' for my tastes. I much preferred The Comedy of Errors," the football captain added with a smirk as he walked away from the group towards his next class.

Daria quirked an eyebrow at the unexpected literary reference and followed her brother and friend into class.

* * *

O'Neill walked slowly around his desk and leaned against it casually. He smiled lightly at his students before allowing a more serious expression to slip over his face.

Class," began the man solemnly as he brushed a bit of chalk dust from his lapel. "I thought today we'd take a break from the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet to discuss the real life tragedy that happened last night here in Lawndale. Let's share our feelings of violation following the loss of our beloved cybercafé, .Com. Who would like to start?"

He glanced expectantly around the room. When no one volunteered his eyes lit on the bored face of Kevin.

"Charles?" the teacher prompted Kevin but received no outward response from the boy. "Charles, did you hear me?"

"Yes Mr. O'Neill," responded Upchuck, which prompted the teacher to look at him confusedly.

The quarterback realized O'Neill was actually addressing him and responded, "You mean, Kevin?"

"Kevin, heh. I'm sorry," the befuddled man said as he realized the seating chart he referenced was upside down. "What do you have to say about last night's horrible event?"

"I was home all night. You can ask my parents. Besides, I already have a computer," Kevin hastily stated.

"No doubt, serving admirably as a doorstop," commented Daria quietly.

"Hey, you can play Madden on the computer," quipped Alex just as quietly back to his sister.

"Besides, we all know what Kevin would _really_ be using the Internet for," whispered Jane.

The twins raised eyebrows at their friend and, with a smirk, Alex asked, "And what prêt ell would that be?"

Jane responded by hiding her face with her sketchbook and pretending to draw.

"I swear, just when the nightmares begin to go away…" grumbled Daria as she realized the direction Jane's line of thinking had taken.

"I think the cybercafé served one very particular segment of the community, but it still pisses me off when people take what isn't theirs."

Jodie's comments caught the trio's attention and caused them to give their attention back to the topic being discussed.

"That's how I feel!" agreed Kevin enthusiastically.

"Thank you, Kevin," stated O'Neill with a small sigh.

"Jodie, about that word, 'community.' Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercafé? To jack us into the global community? I think what's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, Jane?"

"Not really, no," responded Jane.

O'Neill continued his rant, without acknowledging Jane had disagreed with him "Suddenly, we're cut off. We can't hail our friends across the globe and say, 'It's a beautiful day in the cyberhood.'"

The majority of the class stared at O'Neill with a bemused expression, waiting to see where the man was going to take his rant while simultaneously dreading it.

"They didn't just take a few computers," Timothy continued. "They took the symbol of our virtual community. To visit .Com was to come together with the planet!"

"Oh, come on," stated Daria. "You can't be serious."

O'Neill paused in mid step at the outburst and regarded Daria with a confused expression.

"Yes?" he inquired hesitantly.

"Come together with the planet? By staring at a screen for hours? Sitting in a room full of people you never say a word to?" remarked Daria.

O'Neill put his fist against his chin and leaned his head to the side thoughtfully and said, "Hmm. Interesting point, Dorian."

"Daria!" both twins and Jane exclaimed simultaneously.

The teacher jumped back a step at the vehement correction. He reached for his seating chart and noticed his error.

"Uh! Damn spiders," the embarrassed teacher responded as he made feaux motions of smacking an insect before he continued. "Daria, you believe that while connecting Lawndale citizens to our global neighbors, the cafe was alienating us from each other."

"I'm saying if you really miss the place, put a Mr. Coffee in the computer lab," replied the girl.

"So, in your opinion, what we really need is a return to the traditional coffee house of yore, where you'd watch some performers and share a cup with your friends, face to face," the man concluded.

Alex leaned to Jane and asked, "Did I just have a stroke and miss half of the conversation?"

"Daria, you're a visionary," teased Jane.

"I agree," nodded O'Neill. "Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality."

"The one with leash laws for stupid people?" Alex asked his sister.

"I've always been fond of the one with Quinn stuck in the witch's oven," added Daria with a small smile.

"You sure it's not the one where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-goddess robes on a pyramid with a thousand muscled guys in loincloths chanting your name and throwing little pickles at you?" asked Jane.

The entire class stared silently at Jane for several moments. Alex and Daria turned to again regard their friend with single raised eyebrows.

"Or that could just be me…" she said as she again used her sketchbook to hide her face (which was close to matching the shade of her lipstick).

Mr. O'Neill blinked a few times and recovered quickly.

"The coffee house!" he exclaimed, which drew the students' attention again. "We'll plan it, raise the money, and open it!"

"Would that qualify as an extracurricular activity?" asked Daria with a pained expression apparent.

"Yes," replied O'Neill instantly.

"And you expect me to participate don't you?" she asked, although she already knew the answer.

"Of course," came the teacher's reply.

"Then I'd like to register as a conscientious objector," Daria stated flatly.

"Come on Daria. You have to work to make your dream come true," quipped Jane.

Alex leaned over towards Jane and whispered, "You do realize both of us are going to get dragged into this debacle?"

Jane looked at the boy in confusion for a second before it clicked.

"Ah crap," she swore quietly.

* * *

The kitchen was quiet at the Morgendorffer house on a Saturday afternoon as Alex, Daria and Jake sat quietly in their usual places at the kitchen table and read from sections of the Lawndale Post.

Helen walked into the kitchen long enough to grab a Powerbar from a box on the refrigerator and said, "Hi! Gotta change, dinner meeting."

Jake looked up from his paper a few seconds after his wife left the room, turned to Daria and asked, "Did something just happen?"

"Hmm... Depends on your perspective," replied Daria without interrupting her own reading.

Jake shrugged and went back to reading the paper.

"I'm going to Rhapsody with Charles to pick up some strings. Be back later," said Alex as he stood and picked up his violin case from the floor.

He then walked over to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water from it and headed out of the kitchen towards the front of the house.

A few moments later the sound of the front door opening and closing caught Jake's attention and prompted him to ask, "Did I just miss something?"

"No more than usual Dad," responded Daria with a smirk as she flipped the page of the section of paper she was reading.

Quinn strode through the kitchen and retrieved a yogurt cup from the fridge.

"Hi! No dinner for me! Emergency meeting of the Fashion Club," stated the redhead as she began to head back out of the kitchen.

"I'll make up a nice plate for you and cover it up with cling wrap," quipped Daria as Quinn exited the kitchen completely.

Jake managed to catch a glimpse of his youngest daughter on her way out.

"That was Quinn," he said with a smile towards Daria.

"Yes," confirmed Daria as she set the portion of the news she had just finished down and reached for the remaining folded sections of the paper. "But you still haven't identified Mystery Guests 1 and 2."

"Dammit," swore Helen as she walked back into the kitchen a few minutes later and leaned against the island counter top. "I just called Eric for directions and he said the meeting's canceled."

"Well, that just gives us the chance for a family dinner," she added more cheerfully.

"I'll throw another steak on the grill then," commented Daria.

"We're having steak?" asked Jake as he lowered his paper with a grin.

"No Dad," replied Daria with a sigh. "No steaks."

"Aw man," remarked Jake dejectedly before he resumed reading.

Quinn entered the kitchen long enough to toss the now empty yogurt container in the trashcan and gave a quick "Later" before she walked back out.

Helen leaned slightly to the side and watched Quinn grab her purse from the couch before exiting through the front door.

"Where's she going?" Helen asked with a glance in Daria's direction.

"Some kind of emergency meeting or crisis with the Fashion Club," replied Daria. "Someone probably woke up with frosted hair."

"Oh. Well it's good to see her so… involved with her club duties," commented Helen as she slid into her usual seat next to Jake. "You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt if you got involved in some after school projects once in a while."

_'Here we go again,'_ came Daria's mental response as she stopped reading and closed her eyes in frustration.

"I mean Quinn is in the Fashion Club, Alex has Band or Orchestra or whatever they're calling it these days…" continued Helen.

"Can't talk now," interrupted Daria, as she ensured the newspaper hid her face from her mother. "I'm chairing a meeting of the Resting Quietly Club."

"I'm serious. When you apply to college, they're going to be looking for that kind of thing. Right, Jake?" said Helen.

"Mmmhmm," replied Jake noncommittally without lowering his own paper.

"Actually, they're going to be more interested in whether I can pay for school," countered Daria.

"Jake, tell her," said Helen with a look to Jake's direction.

She saw that Jake apparently wasn't paying attention to the discussion. She snatched his newspaper from his hands and set it down on the table in front of him.

"Tell her!" she demanded.

"Huh, what?" he asked as he noticed his wife's growing anger.

"Tell her about the importance of extracurricular activities for getting into college," Helen prompted.

"Oh! Well, these days it's more about whether you can pay or not," the Morgendorffer patriarch stated in an off-handed manner, before he snapped his paper once again into an upright position.

"Jake, you're not helping…" Helen remarked wearily.

"Have you thought about a living will, Dad?" asked Daria with a smirk.

"Not really," he responded casually before he paused and again lowered his paper to look at his eldest daughter. "Do you think I need one?"

Helen rolled her eyes and let out a small sigh at her husband and daughter's antics and said, "Just think about it, Daria. That's all I ask."

"OK Mom," replied Daria. "I'll think about it."

_'I'll think about not wasting my summer on some crappy irrelevant activity,'_ she added mentally as she reached for the next section of newspaper.

"Because, I'd hate for you to have to make up for a lack of extracurricular activities over the summer," Helen added.

"You wouldn't," remarked Daria as she stopped mid-reach. "Wait, what am I thinking? Of course you would."

"I saw a pamphlet for a lovely music camp for young women earlier this week..." stated Helen.

"Music camp huh? How come you don't play your flute any more Daria?" asked Jake.

"I haven't played the flute in years, Dad," she replied. "I stopped playing partly because I wasn't any good at it. Music was always Lex's thing."

"Oh yeah," responded Jake.

"Though, mostly I also stopped playing because you ran over my flute, Lex's violin and Quinn's clarinet with the car," reminded Daria. "Lex is the only one who wanted a replacement after that."

"Oh yeah," repeated Jake in a more regretful manner.

"Consequently," continued Daria. "I would have to interpret being sent to a girls' music camp as punishment for doing something very, **very** wrong."

"Nonsense," contradicted Helen with a wave of her hand. "It would just be an easy way of getting some extracurricular activity on your college applications... if you weren't able to come up with any on your own."

"I've already come up with something on my own," responded Daria. "I came up with the idea of having a simple, stress-free, normal summer for the first time in as long as I can remember."

"Dammit, Daria! Why does everything have to be so difficult with you?" asked Helen vehemently.

"Probably because you insist on making everything so difficult for us," Daria retorted dryly.

"I'm not trying to make things difficult for you," replied Helen angrily. "I just want to look out for your future. I want to make sure you have every opportunity available to you."

"You know what, it's fine," replied Daria in a voice even further devoid of emotion or inflection than normal. "I was wondering when it would be my turn to get sent away."

"Kiddo…" Jake began with an apologetic expression that managed to begin soothing Daria's flared anger.

Unfortunately Helen interrupted her husband with a fervent, "Now that's unfair Daria!"

"Welcome to my world," snarked Daria as she stood and headed out of the kitchen. "I'm going to Jane's."

Helen sat slack-jawed as her eldest daughter left the room. She and Jake jumped reflexively at the sound as the front door was slammed on Daria's departure.

"I swear, I don't know what to do with that girl anymore," complained Helen after she had regained her senses. "The nerve…"

"Honey, why don't you go take your shoes off and try to relax?"soothed Jake with a pat on his wife's knee. "I'll try to talk to her later"

_'As if that will do any good,'_ Helen commented mentally as she stood from the table. "You're right Jake. I'll just go relax for a bit then start diner."

She exited the kitchen without waiting for his response, removing her low heeled shoes on the way to the stairs.

After his wife left, Jake glanced to his son's usual chair and noticed it was empty. He gave a confused glance around the kitchen and noticed that he was completely alone in the room.

"Where's Alex?" he asked the empty room, before he shrugged and resumed reading his paper in peace and quiet.

* * *

The front doors of _Rhapsody_ slid open as Alex and Charles exited the music store.

"So what do you want to do now?" asked Charles as he reviewed his receipt.

"I don't know," replied Alex as he deposited his own receipt and his newly acquired sleeves of strings into the pocket of his green Army jacket. "What do you want to do?"

"Now don't start that?" said Charles with a faux British accent. "But seriously, what's the plan for today? Or are we going to go with our usual loosely structured lolly-gagging?"

"If feels more like a semi-organized dawdling kind of day," answered Alex.

At that moment Alex's stomach chose to voice its opinion in the matter as it began to grumble loudly.

"Good grief man, if you were hungry you could have just said so instead of scaring the locals with your best Rancor impression," chided Charles with a chuckle.

"I'd rather **sound** like a rancor than share the face of one," teased Alex in response. "Might as well check on the food plans for the evening."

Without being prompted, Charles reached into the breast pocket of his teal polo shirt and offered his cell phone to his companion. Alex quickly dialed the number to his own house and waited patiently for someone to answer.

_'Quinn's at one of the girls' houses so I know she's not tying up the line,' _thought the boy as the phone chimed with the 8th ring. _'Someone pick up.' _

"Hello," came Jake's voice after the 10th ring.

"Hey Dad," greeted Alex. "Charles and I were out and about and I was calling to see what the diner plans were."

"Oh, your mother and I were planning to order Chinese," Jake responded.

"Charles and I are about two blocks away from Good Times. We can pick up the food and save the delivery costs," offered Alex. "You guys want the usual?"

"That works," answered Jake. "You should call Daria at Jane's and see if she wants anything."

"Why is Dia at Jane's?" asked Alex. "We were supposed to brainstorm about our assignment for English class."

"Well…," began Jake hesitantly.

"Mom and Dia got into it again didn't they?" asked Alex rhetorically.

Jake gave Alex his fragmented recollection of the conversation that led to Daria leaving the house. The boy sighed and shook his head at the situation.

"I don't think having them try to hash it out again would be a good idea until both of them calm down," stated Jake.

"You're going to try to calm Mom down about it right?" the boy asked his father hopefully.

"Yeah I'll try," replied Jake. "Could you talk to your sister for me I'd…"

"The water's just hot enough Jakey. Did you remember to bring up the baby oil and the straws?" came the sound of Helen's voice in the background.

"They should still be in the 'Fun Trunk'," came Jake's response to his wife before he turned his attention back to the phone. "OK… um where was I."

_'I did not need to hear that,'_ thought Alex as he blinked at the uncomfortably colorful commentary.

"I'll talk to Dia for you Dad," reassured Alex.

"Thanks kiddo," said Jake happily.

"Jakey, the water's going to get cold. And I can't reach the spot between my shoulders," came his mother's voice again.

"You know what Dad, I'll just have Charles leave the food on the doorstep and ring the bell. Dia and I can eat and talk at Jane's," offered Alex as he tried to keep the horrifying images of what his parent could possibly want with hot water, baby oil and straws away. "Know what we'll probably be there till late talking. We'll call before we come home."

"Thanks again kiddo… woah… shiny hiney…" came Jake's response before the click indicated he had hung up.

Alex stared at the phone for a few seconds then slowly passed it back to his friend.

"What was that all about?" asked the freckled redhead as he slid his phone back into his breast pocket.

"Let's get the food. I'll explain the non-emotionally scarring bits on the way," Alex replied.

**_

* * *

_**

**_She was a Dallas cowboy cheerleader but her husband left her for… a hand model with a missing finger?! It's Glove Potion Number Nine… Next on Sick Sad World!_**

Daria shook her head at the television as she lounged across the front end of Jane's bed. The taller girl sat Indian style beside her friend on the bed further back and chuckled as she switched the TV off. Both girls jumped with a start by a sudden loud banging on the door to Jane's room.

"Can someone open the door please, my hands are full," came Alex's voice from the other side of the room's door.

"Lex?" inquired Daria.

"No, it's Shirley McClain. Of course it's me. Open the door!" the boy responded.

"What if we're indecent in here?" asked Jane jokingly.

"I promise not to peek. Besides, you're indecent whether you're clothed or not," countered Alex.

"He's got you there, Lane," replied Daria.

"Seriously!" pleaded Alex through the door. "This Egg Drop Soup is about to become truth in advertising!"

Jane leapt over Daria and rushed to kick the rubber wedge she used to secure her door away from the bottom edge. While it did little to actually prevent anyone from opening the door thanks to the carpeting near the doorjamb being worn down smooth, it did require one to have to push a bit more forcefully than usual when it was in place.

"Why didn't you say you had food?" chastised Jane as she pulled the door open to see Alex precariously holding multiple large and heavy looking bags one each arm; all bearing the Good Time Chinese Restaurant logo.

"And a movie," added Alex as he set the bags down and realized they all contained food. "I must have left it downstairs with Trent. I'll be right back."

He walked back out of Jane's room and the sounds of his boots could be heard descending the stairs.

"If I had known he was bringing dinner and a movie, I would have rolled out the red carpet for him," said Jane as she fished an egg roll from one of the food bags and began devouring the fried item.

"While I'm sure he would be quite appreciative, I don't think you could pull that off considering your hair is black," stated Daria with a smirk as she retrieved cartons from a bag.

Jane responded by blushing and then choking on her food as the unexpected innuendo caught her off guard.

_'Give, and ye shall receive,'_ thought Daria as she smirked at being able to return the favor for the teasing she'd received regarding Trent.

Alex returned, with A Movie Shack bag and a six pack of Ultra Cola in hand, to find a teary eyed Jane coughing profusely.

"You OK," he asked worriedly as he pulled one of the cans free and handed it to the choking girl.

Jane accepted the drink, glad that her blush could easily be dismissed as results of choking, and waved him off the boy's concern with a gasping cough punctuated, "I'm…fine... wrong pipe."

"Next time chew before you swallow," he teased as he plopped down on the floor across from Jane and his sister.

Daria shifted to lean over the front edge and began to rummage through the cartons of food. Alex slid into a sitting position between his sister and Jane and pulled two of the cartons from the bags out of Daria's reach as Jane recovered from her coughing fit.

"I thought we were going to try and figure out how to get out of O'Niell's latest ill-conceived brainchild," stated Alex as he handed the boxes and one of the sealed packets of plastic eating utensils to his twin.

Daria opened one of the cartons and smiled as the enticing smell of sweet and sour chicken wafted up from the open carton.

Alex pulled out several cartons for himself and smacked Jane's hand with a smirk as she tried to grab the container of egg drop soup from him.

"So what happened," he prompted as he handed a second container of soup to the pouting room's owner.

"You know how Mom has been on this extracurricular activities kick since we attended that stupid _Preparing for College_ course?" asked Daria after swallowing a mouthful of food.

"Yeah," replied Alex warily as he stirred the contents of his Styrofoam bowl.

"Well, she told me that if I don't find an extracurricular activity soon, she would find one for me for the summer," Daria advised.

"Oh great," said Alex. "Dad filled me in on most of it. What is she trying to get you to sign up for this time?"

"The details aren't really important," responded Daria. "The point is I've got to come up with an extracurricular of my own or I can kiss any dreams of a simple, quiet, relaxed summer goodbye."

"Well, you could always participate in Mr. O's coffee house project," suggested Jane. "It'll probably end up getting into the paper. That should be worth enough brownie points to keep your mom from pestering you for a while."

"I knew it was going to come back around to that somehow," complained Daria as she jammed her spork back into the carton of white rice.

"Just toss one of your more morbid poems or short horror stories his way and he'll just let you off the hook," offered Alex as he held his bowl up and scraped the last broth drenched mushrooms from it into his open mouth.

"That would get me off the hook with O'Neill but still wouldn't resolve the problem with Mom,"

"Damn, you're right," agreed the boy as he picked up and opened a carton of sweet and sour chicken of his own. "Well, guess you'll have to find something to..."

"Not so fast mister," interrupted Daria. "If I have to traipse down the Stupid Brick Road, you're coming with me,"

"Awwww, do I have to?" asked Alex.

"You've got a clean bill of health now. No more doctor visits, no more checkups or rehab sessions for them to have to take you to," reminded Daria. "As good as that is, it also means there is nothing to distract Mom from the fact that none of us is doing anything 'productive' this summer. If we work on it together, we'll both be able to get Mom off our backs about extracurricular activities... for a little while."

Alex sighed as he realized neither he, Daria nor Quinn were likely to be allowed to slack off this summer if her Mother's efforts continued in the direction they had taken that morning. At least not without something to placate her recent desire to see them add to their potential college applications.

"True," conceded Alex with a sigh as he stuck his own spork into a carton of rice and set it down.

"Besides, what kind of big, strong brother would you be if you left your poor defenseless twin sister all alone to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ineptitude," added Daria with a fluttering of her eyelashes and a pitiful but cute pout at Alex.

"I swear. You share a womb with someone one time…" complained Alex with an eye roll while Jane laughed at her friends' antics.

"Yeah well, brainstorm later," interjected Jane as she reached for an unclaimed bag of steaming paper cartons. "My evening of regularly scheduled lounging was rudely interrupted with the promise of diner and a movie, and I plan on getting both before you two head out."

"Agreed," replied Alex as he popped open the movie case. "Besides I haven't watched this one in a while."

"Motion seconded... motion carries," stated Daria as her brother slid the cassette into Jane's VCR and hit the play button.

* * *

"That was pretty good," said Jane as she ejected the cassette. "I was a bit worried at first."

"Why? It's one of Mike Meyers' best movies in my opinion," remarked Alex as he and Jane rummaged through the remaining Good Times bags for any overlooked treats.

"Come on, the movie's title...." Jane replied. "It sounds like the tag line for a spot on Sick Sad World."

"Oh man, it does, doesn't it," remarked Alex with a chuckle. "She thought she was wedding a lumberjack… until she found real skeletons in his closet. So I married an ax murderer… next on Sick Sad World!"

Jane laughed out loud and Daria stifled a laugh of her own at her brother's comments before she said, "I am of two views on the movie honestly."

"What do you mean?" asked Jane as she frowned at an empty bag, crumpled it into a ball and tossed it inaccurately in the general direction of her trashcan.

"It's almost like two different versions of the same movie were smashed together," explained Daria. "The first half is the zany comedy you expect from Meyers. But the last third seems like it's trying to be a suspense/thriller."

"There's a noticeable tone shift," responded Alex as stretched his arms over his head. "But I think the slapstick, over the top craziness of the last part it keeps it from feeling totally out of place."

"I liked the poetry readings," commented Jane. "They just had that cool beatnik vibe going… despite the fact that he was basically tearing down his exes."

"It was a rather entertaining, as far as cathartic outlets go," added Daria.

"Hey Dia, Remember when we watched it for the first time," asked Alex with a smile.

"Yes I do. How many notebooks did we go through on those silly poems?" the girl asked her brother with a small smile of her own.

"Too many," admitted Alex as he batted Jane's hand away from the plastic wrapped fortune cookie he had set beside him. "Alright, enough procrastination… We need to figure out what we're going to do for Mr. O'Neill."

Daria's expression turned to a frown, and then to a thoughtful half-smile again as she asked, "Hey Lex, do we still have them?"

"Have what?" asked Alex as he pointed his finger in a chastising manner at Jane who was, again tried to purloin his fortune cookie.

"The notebooks," prompted Daria as she tossed her own unopened fortune cookie from it to their friend.

"I think so," mused Alex aloud as he paused to think for a moment. "They should have been packed up with your books from the old house."

He suddenly began to realize what his sister had in mind and smiled.

"That could work actually," continued Alex. "I'll talk to Charles at school tomorrow. I'm sure he'd love to get in on this."

"How to make an already unpleasant situation worse… just add Upchuck," quipped Daria.

"Come on Dia," said Alex. "You know we've got a perfect opportunity…"

"I know, I know," interjected Daria. "We can do it without accompaniment. But…"

"If we **_have_** to do this, you know we'd both rather do it right," finished Alex.

"Just keep your pal on his leash. That's all I ask," Daria added.

Jane turned her head back and forth between her friends as they conversed.

"Upchuck… accompaniment… leash… What the hell are you two talking about?! Do I even want to know what you two are talking about?!" demanded Jane. "I swear, when you two get into your little zone, it's like watching someone talk on the phone, and only getting half of a conversation."

"I think I know how Lex and I can both participate in the coffee shop project, not destroy O'Neill's fragile psyche too much more than usual, **_and_** get Mom off our backs about extracurriculars at the same time," Daria replied with a conspiratorial smirk.

* * *

Daria and Alex entered O'Neill's classroom about ten minutes after the last bell of the day and saw the teacher sitting at his desk leafing through a phone book. They walked up to the front of the desk and waited for the teacher to notice them.

After a minute of no response, Alex cleared his throat loudly. The man looked up from the thick phonebook a bit confused by the twins' presence.

"Hello… Daria and … Alex," said O'Neill with only a slight pause and a bright smile at being able to remember their names without his seating chart. "What brings you to my class?"

"We wanted to talk to you about something, sir," replied Alex.

"Well, I'm always glad to give an ear to a young person in need." said O'Neill. "Oh no! You haven't had a lapse in your self-esteem have you?"

The man picked up the self-esteem manual already lying on his desk with a worried expression.

"We want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse project," offered Daria quickly to alleviate the overly sensitive teacher's concerns

"Fantastic!" O'Neill exclaimed as his expression shifted again from instant worry to cheerful enthusiasm as he focused his attention on Daria. "What made you change your mind?"

"Did anyone ever make you practice 'Pop Goes the Weasel' on the flute every day for two years?" asked the girl.

"Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said 'Tuesday'," Replied the teacher with a glance to the ceiling. "Whatever made me want to join a fraternity?"

"And that fills my disturbing imagery quota for the week," commented Daria dryly.

"I could have gone my whole life without that mental picture and been quite content," responded Alex.

O'Neill shook himself out of his nostalgia and continued, "Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays."

"Actually we were thinking something a little more... appropriate to the setting," remarked Alex which prompted the teacher's visage to shift yet again to concern.

The teacher's worry was short lived and he was almost ecstatic as Alex and Daria explained how they planned to participate.

"Oh yes. I think that will go over very well for the reopening," O'Neill said with an enthusiastic nod.

"I'm really not much for public speaking," added Daria, in hopes of cutting off any suggestions of such from the teacher.

"Are you sure?" asked O'Neill. "I mean don't you want to make sure that your work is properly presented?"

"That's why I'll be giving the actual reading, sir" stated Alex.

"He's a bit more comfortable than I am with the whole performing in public thing," stated Daria as she placed a hand on her brother's shoulder.

"Well this will be an excellent opportunity to showcase both of your talents. A 'Team Morgendorffer' production," the teacher said with a smile and a dramatic arching wave of his hand. "Oh yes this will work nicely."

O'Neil looked up from scribbling a note regarding the twins' participation and looked up to see they were still standing at his desk.

"Did you need anything else?" he asked.

"No sir," responded Alex as Daria shook her head.

"Well if you'll excuse me I have to make some calls about the decorations for the event," the teacher stated as he lifted the antennae on his cell phone. "Who knew that having banners printed could be so darned expensive?"

The twins stopped in their departure and smiled at each other.

"Actually sir…" interjected Alex as they both turned to face the teacher's desk again.

"We may be able to help with that," finished Daria as the two glanced at each other with similar smirks.

* * *

"No! Not just no, but hell no!" stated Jane fervently as she set her palette down and shook her head at the twins. "I'm not getting dragged into this public debacle in the making."

The two stood up and walked around their friend's bed to stand before her.

"Come on," pleaded Daria. "Do it for friendship."

"I have no friends. I walk alone," stated Jane dramatically.

"Do it for school spirit," joked Alex.

"Sorry, I had that exorcised years ago," replied Jane.

"Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something," begged Daria.

"I've already got two sisters. That's more than enough for me, but thanks anyway," Jane quipped as she turned away and picked up her palette and twirled a thin paintbrush in a glob of paint on it.

"It will get you an A's worth of test points in Literature," added Daria.

"I don't know…" said Jane hesitantly, as she thought about her weak C grade point average.

"If you agree to help with the decorations you get in for free as a member of the staff," added Alex. "You'll have a front row seat for the train wreck without having to actually participate like we will."

"The potential for emotional scaring is pretty high," admitted Jane after a moment as she made a few preliminary lines on the canvas before her.

"You get to watch us humiliate ourselves in public… in front of an audience," offered Daria with a half smile.

"The staff gets free coffee and snacks all night," added Alex with a small smile of his own.

"I'm bringing a camera, a duffel bag and my trucker's thermos," replied Jane with a grin.

* * *

Daria sat at the head of her bed and read through the poetic endeavors committed to the paper within. Alex sat Indian-style in the center of the bed and perused a notebook of his own.

The only sounds in the room were the turning of pages, synthesized gunfire and the occasional grunt-splat that marked another undead dispatched as Jane played Cannibal Fragfest on her friend's computer.

"How about, 'The Bleakness That Lies Ahead'? " asked Daria as she glanced at the title to the first poem in the notebook.

"Too sentimental," replied Jane from her seat in front of Daria's computer.

"'Survival Guide to Suburbia'?" suggested Alex as he leafed through a notebook of his own.

"Too National Geographics," responded Jane as she ended the life of yet another digital zombie with a click of the mouse.

""Mommy's Little Hypocrite"?" suggested Daria as she flipped past some of the shorter entries in the notebook.

"Too much like a children's book," answered Jane with a thoughtful look.

Daria slapped her notebook closed and tossed it on the small pile of other rejected notebooks.

"I wish I were dead," she stated flatly with a sigh as she rotated on the bed and leaned her back against her brother's shoulder

"That sounds promising," quipped Jane as she turned to face Daria and Alex. "Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive."

"I thought we were doing a poetry reading, not marketing a new fragrance of perfume," commented Daria.

"Oh yeah I can see it now," said Jane as she stood up from the computer chair and grabbed two pairs of socks from Daria's nearby clothesbasket and stuffed them into her shirt.

"Oh Kevy! I love the way you smell after a long day of football practice," stated Jane as she approached Alex with a batting of eye lashes and a bad mimic of Brittany's squeaky voice.

"Yeah Babe," stated Alex as he imitated Kevin's clueless expression and voice with almost frightening accuracy. "That's because I'm the QB. Babes can't resist the QB."

"Oh Kevy," continued Jane as she put on a piteous pouting expression, complete with puppy-dog eyes. "Can you ever forgive me for sleeping with the opposing team's running back… and the track team… and half of the water polo team?"

Alex stood up, and swung Jane into a dramatic dipped pose reminiscent of a romance novel cover.

"I could never get mad at them... " he said, blatantly looking at Jane's sock-padded chest before returning his gaze to her face. "You… I mean you. Hey what kinda QB would I be if I couldn't forgive my babe?"

"Ineptitude… by Calvin Klein" added Daria with a smile.

The three teens held their serious expressions for about four seconds before they all broke out laughing.

"Uh… should I leave you two alone?" she asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk as she recovered from laughing and noticed her brother and Jane still in their dipped dramatic position laughing with their eyes closed.

The two stopped laughing, opened their eyes and turned to stare at Daria in confusion before they faced each other again and realized their faces were inches from each other.

At that moment, the door to Daria's room opened and in walked Quinn.

"Daria can I borrow some…" the red head began before she caught sight of Jane in her brother's arms, their faces precariously close.

The heads of the room's three occupants all turned towards Quinn, who stood still in her sister's doorway and blinked twice.

"Phone," she quickly said as she made an about face and walked back out of the room.

Alex and Jane faced each other before they straightened up and let go of each other.

Alex coughed and said, "I'll um just go head off the rumor mill before it starts grinding away what little reputation you have."

He then exited Daria's room in hopes of catching his youngest sister before she started spreading unfounded rumors.

"Well, that wasn't awkward or anything," stated Jane as she flopped down on the bed next to Daria and removed the socks from her shirt.

"Could have been worse," remarked Daria, unable to hide her amused smile. "He could have dropped you."

"Oh please," responded Jane. "That only happens in TV sitcoms and bad literature."

"Speaking of bad literature," segued the bespectacled girl. "That's exactly what we have a lot of here."

"I wouldn't say these are bad," stated Jane as she picked up one of the discarded notebooks and skimmed through the first poem in it. "OK, this one is pretty bad."

"None of these seems right for the café opening," stated Daria dejectedly. "I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion."

"Well you better get a move on it. The opening is this weekend," reminded Jane. "Take it from me, O'Niell won't take 'I hit my snooze button too many times' as a legitimate excuse."

"Yeah… hmmm…" responded Daria as her face took a thoughtful expression.

"That could work..." she added as she picked up a pencil and began writing in a fresh notebook. "Jane you are a genius,"

"Of course I am," responded Jane smugly before her expression shifted to curious. "But just so we're clear... why am I a genius again this time?"

"I'll tell you later," stated Daria as she moved from the bed to her computer chair and continued writing fervently.

Jane recognized when someone had been hit in the face by their muse and decided to leave Daria to her creative devices.

She quietly exited Daria's room and made her way down the hall.

* * *

"Give it back!" came Quinn pleaded as she jumped repeatedly in an attempt to reach the cordless phone.

"I will do no such thing," stated Alex as he held the phone above his head and well out of his sister's reach. "The last thing Jane wants is someone running off at the mouth about her personal life because they think they saw something."

"You two were like totally making out! This will finally be my chance to scoop Sandi on confirming a rumor," whined Quinn.

"First things first, we were not making out," chastised Alex. "We were goofing around trying to figure out what we're going to do at the coffee house opening for Mr. O'Niell's class."

"Oh! Umm… Seriously, why are you guys even bothering with that stuff?" asked Quinn. "It's not like you need extra credit or anything."

"Because, unlike you Brat, Dia and I like to plan ahead for things." teased Alex which rewarded him with a raspberry from Quinn. "I don't feel like spending my summer in a summer learning program or whatever other community service idea Mom thinks will 'round out our college applications'. I'm surprised you haven't been working on how to pad your own extracurriculars to keep Mom off your back this summer."

Alex could tell by Quinn's suddenly wide-eyed worried expression that she hadn't even thought about their mother's usually fanatical devotion to ensuring their every moment of free time was spent doing something "productive".

"Crap, I didn't even think about that," swore the red head.

"Maybe you should spend a little more time thinking about that, and a little less time on gossiping," said Alex as he handed the phone back to the girl. "And secondly, what rumor you were going to confirm?"

"You know…" stated Quinn.

"If I knew, then I wouldn't have to ask," answered Alex. "Spill it Pip."

"Well… everyone's talking about how you and Jane are, like, you know…" said Quinn.

"Why would they think that?" responded Alex as he rolled his eyes.

"Well you are always hanging with her, and like going to her house and stuff," answered Quinn. "And she, like, slept in your bed and everything."

"For crying out loud! Doesn't anyone have anything better to do than worry about whose dating who?" he asked rhetorically. "We're friends. That's all. I wasn't even here when she slept over, or did someone forget that little detail."

Quinn looked sheepishly at her brother but didn't say anything.

"Even if we liked each other that way, do really think we'd be making out in Dia's room… with Dia there?" he asked again rhetorically.

"I guess…" admitted Quinn hesitantly.

"You guess? Let me ask you this," offered Alex, having detected Quinn's disbelief. "Would you want to kiss your boyfriend in front of Dia? Or me, for that matter?"

"Ewww!" exclaimed Quinn with a squinted disgusted expression.

"See my point? Besides," continued Alex. "Dia hangs out with her more than I do. Next thing you'll tell me people think that she and Jane are an item."

Alex chuckled at his last statement but stopped when Quinn stammered, "…umm… yeah… about that…"

"You're kidding right?" he asked, which prompted a head shake from Quinn. "And everyone calls Charles a perv. You and your buddies need to get your minds out of the gutter. And no confirming, denying, whatever about whoever, ok?"

"Just ruin all my fun why don't you," complained Quinn with a pout.

"Fun huh? How much fun would it be if someone started a rumor about how you have the biggest crush on Mr. Demartino?" asked Alex.

Quinn's expression shifted from a sad pout, to disgust, then to fear for a moment before settling into a smug smile as she dismissively said "Oh puh-lease... As if anyone would believe something like that about moi."

"Aren't these the same people that believed I was Dia's boyfriend, and believed it when you told everyone you were an only child despite the fact that we all have the same last name and arrived in town at the same time?" he rebutted. "Which, by the way, I'm still ticked at you for that only child thing."

"I said I was sorry for that already, jeez," Quinn stated.

"You apologized to me, Pip. You never told apologized to her," Alex said with a cross expression.

"She just blew me off, as usual," whined Quinn as she turned away from her brother and crossed her arms angrily.

"Well maybe if you were half as sincere with her as you were with me, she'd actually listen to you from time to time," answered Alex as he wrapped his arms around his sister and gave her a squeeze.

"Fine, I'll try again," conceded Quinn with a sigh.

"Good, but back on topic…" responded Alex as he let Quinn go. "They'd believe it because, firstly, they're gullible and more interested in embarrassing or one-upping you than knowing the truth..."

"True," acknowledged Quinn thoughtfully.

"Scondly, and most importantly, I'm your brother," he concluded. "They'd consider me a reliable source. I mean, why would I make something like **_that_**, up."

"Ohmygod!" Quinn squeaked. "You wouldn't do that? Please don't do that. It would like totally ruin my popularity."

"Calm down Pip," soothed Alex. "I'm not saying I would do that."

_'Though Dia might if you ticked her off enough,'_ came his mental addendum.

"Just trying to make a point. What you say about us and the people we associate with carries a lot of weight because you **_are_** popular and you **_are_** our sister," he continued.

"I didn't think about that," admitted the red head.

"And remember it goes the other way as well. Dia and I may not be popular, but because you're our sister, people will believe what we say about you." he stated with a conspiratorial smirk. "So please, no more spreading gossip about me, Dia, Jane, Dia and Jane, Jane and I, or any other crazy combination thereof."

"Fine," agreed Quinn begrudgingly.

"Or at least take the time to get your facts straight before hand, OK?" he requested as he playfully bopped her on the head.

"OK, you big meanie head," stated Quinn as she punched him playfully in the arm and followed it up with a hug. "Sorry."

"Yeah, yeah," teased Alex as he returned the hug then moved to leave. "Apology accepted Brat."

When he exited the room, Alex saw Jane leaned against the wall beside the door with her arms crossed, smiling lightly.

"So, everything taken care of with the Countess of Rumorville?" Jane asked.

"As well as can be expected," answered Alex with a sigh.

"Anyway, Daria appears to have been bitten by the writing bug so I'm going to head home," announced Jane as she pushed off of the wall and headed to the stairs.

"It's pretty late," stated Alex as he glanced at his wristwatch while he followed the girl down the steps. "I'll walk you home," Alex

"Naaa," declined Jane. "I'll be fine. Besides wont Daria need your help finishing the piece she's working on?"

"I'll probably have to proof it later, but that will be after she has it mostly finished," he replied.

"Ahh gotcha," replied Jane as they approached the front door.

"Anyway, I insist... Years of matriarchal conditioning won't let me accept your declination. It is my pleasure, nay, my duty to ensure you return to your most auspicious abode safely," the boy continued as he opened the front door for Jane and gestured, as dramatically as he had spoken, for her to proceed. "After you m'lady."

"You've been hanging around Upchuck for way too long, pal," said Jane with a small chuckle as she exited the house. "But since I apparently have no say so in the matter, I guess I'll allow you the privilege of escorting me."

Alex locked the door behind them and the two began to make their way towards Howard Drive. They walked at an unhurried and leisurely pace. They discussed the decorations Jane had been commissioned to finish, Alex's plans for his portion of the performance and other random topics. Before long they stood on the sidewalk in front of Casa de Lane.

"So it'll be Charles and I definitely. Maybe Stan, since he's also in Mr. O'Niell's lit class with us," stated Alex.

"Who," asked Jane.

"Stan Mooreston," responded Alex. "Sits a few rows back from us in O'Niell's class. He's in Mr. Johansen's class with Charles and I,… plays the saxophone."

"Cool. So you kids gonna stop by tomorrow after school and check out the banners," asked Jane as the pair walked up the front walkway of

"Well I might not, depending on how far Dia gets with the actual writing," Alex remarked. "I still have to work out the accompaniment with Charles and make sure we can pull it off without sounding too bad."

"Oh yeah, good luck keeping Daria from beating him into a senseless pile of goo… well more of a senseless pile than he already is anyway," responded Jane. "Speaking of senseless piles, Max agreed to give you guys a hand."

"Cool," replied Alex with a smile. "How'd you convince him to help?"

"Oh, a little flattery here, bribery there, a touch of ear twisting on the side," answered Jane. "Plus, Trent managed to convince him that it would be good exposure for 'The Spiral'."

"Nice, and for the record Charles promised me that he'd be on his best behavior," stated Alex with a shrug. "Hopefully we can make it through without him having to have Dia's boots surgically removed from a very uncomfortable place."

"If not, we could always film the ensuing slaughter and turn that into O'Niell. "We could call it a performance piece depicting the battle of the sexes," quipped Jane. "Even if O'Niell doesn't like it, it would pull in a few extra credit points from Barch."

"It's always good to have a backup plan," deadpanned Alex as they reached the front door. "Well here you are, safely delivered home."

"I would have been fine you know," said Jane casually with a smile. "But I appreciate the thought."

"What are friends for? Besides, it's the least I can do for almost tarnishing your sterling reputation," he joked as Jane leaned against the inside of the doorway.

"Please…" dismissed Jane with a hand flip. "If my reputation were sterling, I'd have pawned it ages ago. Besides, I told you guys before, I like the tarnish on my image. It adds a touch of color."

"I know, I know," replied Alex. "Still..."

"I appreciated sentiment," said Jane as she gave him one last smile before turning back into the house. "Night amigo."

"Buenas noches amiga," replied Alex with a wave as he headed back up the walkway and walked home.

* * *

"That was a most… emotional reading from Garret," said Mr. O'Niell worriedly as a scruffy 20-something man with the broken neck of an acoustic guitar clenched in his hand, walked angrily from the slightly raised dais in the center of the café that served as a stage for the evening's performers.

As a member of the cleaning crew swept the remains of the former instrument, Daria and Alex smirked at their teacher from their seats in the back of the newly christened **_Café Lawndale. _**

Around them, was gathered a decent size crowd. Patrons of the newly opened shop milled around the large open room. Most sat at low circular tables scattered evenly through the center section before the stage. Others, like the twins, sat at more elevated half-circular tables against the walls on cushioned stools. A few even lounged on over-large beanbag chairs sprinkled sparsely throughout the place. Almost everyone had a cup, mug or bowl filled with some variety of coffee-based beverage.

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be," commented Daria as she slowly glanced around the dimly lit room.

"I have to admit, they did a good job with the place," agreed Alex as he similarly surveyed the room. "Jane's banners turned out great."

Daria glanced up at two large cloth banner that hung over the brightly lit stage which bore **'Welcome to Café Lawndale!' **and **'Open Mic Night'** in bold yellow on colorful star and planet bedecked dark backgrounds. Daria noted the other smaller versions of the two banners draped in lit sections along the wall and main counter of the coffee shop.

"If I hadn't watched her while she was working on them, I would have guessed Mr. O'Niell had them professionally printed," confirmed Daria with an honest smile at her friend's talent.

"Speak of the devil," commented Alex as he noticed the young artist approaching their table.

"Hola amigos," mumbled Jane around a large oatmeal raisin cookie as she approached the twins table.

"Hola Juanita. ¿Cómo están esta noche?" returned Daria flatly.

"¿Qué haces, chica?" prompted Alex.

"Yeah… uh… you know I don't actually speak Spanish right?" replied Jane as she removed the large cookie from her mouth and set her oversized mug of steaming coffee and several bags of snack food onto the table.

"Really? We kind of assumed…" began Daria with a surprised expression.

"…with the whole 'Hola amigos' thing…" added Alex equally surprised.

"Oh, that. Just something I picked up from Penny after she came back from her first trip south of the border," explained Jane as she tossed the snack bags into a duffel bag underneath the twins' table. "She was gone for a year or so, and when she came back, that's how she would answer the phone when her friends called."

"Where did you guys pick it up?" asked Jane.

"You can't spend the first half of your life in southern Texas without being able to speak Spanish," answered Alex.

"I'm here. But where are you?" stated Andrea as she read from a tattered notebook before the mic. "Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh??

She walked off the stage as the crowd clapped politely.

"That was a confidence inspiring response," stated Daria sarcastically.

"This may not be a poetry crowd," remarked Jane.

"You think it's too late for me to learn how to juggle?" asked Alex.

"Probably," answered Jane. "Although if you missed and hit a few spectators you'd probably get as much applause as Brittany did for booting Kevin off the stage."

Mr. O'Neill took the stage again as Andrea stepped down and returned to a front row table with several of the other Goth's of Lawndale High

"Thank you very much, Andrea. It takes a lot of courage to expose your raw emotions that way," stated O'Niell nervously.

A spotlight shined on Andrea's table. The girl could be seen drinking from a bottle wrapped in a plain brown paper bag. She coughed once in surprise and quickly moved the bottle behind her out of sight.

"And, speaking of raw emotions," the teacher continued. "It's my pleasure to introduce one of Lawndale High's most gifted students: Alexander Morgendorffer."

"Thanks Mr. O'Niell," returned Alex nervously as he took the microphone from the older man and slid it back into its holder on the stand.

As the boy thanked his teacher, several others took the stage and took their places at the various instruments that had been occupying the stage unused for the majority of the evening.

"Tonight I'd like to perform a bit of poetry written by my ever-so talented sister, Daria," stated Alex with an extended arm pointed towards Daria.

The spotlight swung in the direction he pointed, to illuminate the small table where Daria and Jane sat. Daria blinked a few times as the bright light shone in her face and gave a nervous wave.

"This is a little piece called 'Lawndale Blues'," he announced as Charles began to strum out a mid-paced rhythm on his Double Bass.

The sound of a saxophone and Max's drumming joined the low strumming to create a simple jazzy tune. Alex took several deep breaths to soothe his nerves before he leaned into the mic and began.

**Lawndale****… Laaaaaawndale**

**L-A-Dou-ble-U-N-Dale**

**Tame… tedious… tiny… trite… town.**

**Quietly floating on the edges of the land of Mary.**

**Lazy… lethargic… Listless… Lackadaisical… **

**And all manner of other words meaning dull that begin with 'L'**

Alex lowered his head and nodded quietly in time with the slow rhythm for four or five beats before he continued.

**'I don't wanna go in today' they sleepily complain as the alarm clock wails its mournful morning moans.**

**Begging for what will be an empty and unsatisfying extra ten minutes of half-sleep.**

**Hoping above hope that today won't be the day they end up running down the halls of their school or office.**

**Screaming at the top of their lungs for no real reason...**

Alex paused for effect as the Stanley held mid-pitch note on his sax for several long seconds.

**…Except to break the monotony of another uneventful day.**

**In Lawndale… Lazy Lawndale**

**L-A-Dou-Ble-U-N-Dale**

The accompaniment stopped playing and dropped into silence.

**So boring!**

Max beat out four quick beats in time with Alex's own pantomimed drum beat motions.

**So tiring!**

Another four quick beats in sync with Alex's hand motions.

**So unexcit… ed**

The musicians resumed the lazy jazz groove.

**But that's life here, on the edges of the Land of Mary.**

**Lazy… lethargic… Listless… Lackadaisical… **

**Lawndale****…**

**See you… in 'L'**

Alex lowered his head and looked at the floor with his last line. The other musicians ended with a slightly off beat but typical symbol heavy jazz flourish.

The crowd was dead silent s Alex and his fellows finished their performance. When the boy looked up he saw the crowd simply sitting in their seats slack-jawed.

_'Well, if you're going to bomb, might as well do it spec…' _he started internally.

He never had a chance to finish the thought, as the roar of applause and cheers from every corner of the café.

Alex blinked in shock a few times before he turned to look at his accompaniment.

Stanley and Charles appeared to be equally surprised by the positive response of the crowd and shrugged at the Alex.

Max simply slid his drumsticks into a back pocket and headed towards the steps of the stage. On his way down he stopped next to Alex and said, "Not bad kid."

Alex glanced around the dimly lit room and his eyes lit upon his sister and Jane's table.

Jane was hooting and clapping as loudly as the rest of the audience while Daria merely sat with her arms crossed before her, and a neutral expression.

Alex raised his eyebrow at his sister. Daria's expression shifted into a wide smile rarely seen in public. She raised her hands to either side of her head and began snapping her fingers.

Alex returned his sister's smile and took a bow with Charles and Stanley.

* * *

Jake sat at the kitchen table Monday morning with his children and read casually from the news paper. Alex and Daria flanked their father and ate from large bowls of cereal while Quinn sat beside her brother with a yogurt cup and a few slices of melon on a plate before her.

"'Café Lawndale is off to a promising start after last night's Open Mic night'," read Jake aloud from the Lawndale Post.

"Wow last night actually made the paper?" asked Alex as he set his spoon down into his oatmeal and moved to read the paper over his father's shoulder.

"Hey, isn't that the coffeehouse you were working for?" asked Jake.

"Yeah, we had that presentation for Mr. O'Niell's class," answered Daria as she moved to look over her father's other shoulder.

"'The Lawndale High administration is very happy with the community response to Lawndale's new young adult coffeehouse after its opening night'," Jake continued to read. "'_We're just so proud to have so many talented young people who are ready and willing to put their talents towards this project_, commented Timothy O'Niell. O'Niell is an English Teacher at Lawndale High and the organizer of the effort to rebuild and reopen the Café after the unfortunate break-in that threatened to close the business down'."

Helen walked into the kitchen with her briefcase in one hand, cell phone clutched between her shoulder and ear.

"Early meeting at the Royalton," she announced. "No time for breakfast."

"But you haven't even tasted my Crêpe Suzettes yet," deadpanned Daria. "We're having Crêpe Suzettes?" asked Jake enthusiastically, distracted from the article. "No Dad, we're not having Crêpe Suzettes," answered Alex with a smirk as Daria and Quinn rolled their eyes at their father's gullibility. "Aww man," responded Jake dejectedly. "What's the rest of the article say," prompted Daria. "Oh right," said Jake as he resumed reading the newspaper aloud. "The highlight of the evening was a particularly spirited reading of poetry written specifically for the occasion by Daria Morgendorffer, a sophomore at Lawndale High'."

"What?!" asked Helen and Quinn in unison.

Quinn hopped up from her seat and crowded in beside her brother and father. Helen stopped in the kitchen doorway and turned back towards her husband and children with a surprised expression.

"'The poem was presented with musical accompaniment provided by Max Tyler, drummer for local rock troupe Mystik Spiral, and fellow Lawndale High sophomores Stanley Mooreston and Charles Rutheimer III'," continued Jake. "Hey isn't that the band you guys are always going to see with Jane-O?" "Cool. They managed to sneak in a plug for the band," said Alex. "'The poem itself was recited by another Lawndale sophomore, Alexander Morgendorffer; the author's brother. The group wowed the Café Lawndale crowd with their spoken word performance, which was pleasantly appropriate for the venue in this reporter's opinion.' Wow, that's great kids!" exclaimed Jake as Helen crossed the kitchen and took the paper from her beaming husband.

"'Timothy O'Niell went on to say _Daria is such an impressive writer that I knew her contribution would be emotionally powerful_'," read Helen aloud. "'_Teens are impressionable, and it does this educator's heart good to see young people like the Morgendorffer twins and their classmates taking an active role in their community's well-being_'."

She blinked a few times and glanced back and forth between her eldest children before she inquired. "Quinn did you know about this?"

"Well duh, Mom," replied the red head off-handedly. "They've only been talking about it, and practicing it with Jane and Upchuck for, like, the past three weeks."

Helen blinked and examined the article again.

"Why aren't you mentioned Quinn?" asked Helen.

"um… I had a date that night," replied the red head off-handedly.

Helen placed her fists on her hips and stated "Well that's no excuse…"

"It was a project for Mr. O'Niell's **_sophomore_** class," interrupted Daria.

"Remember, Quinn's just a freshman, Mom. She's not in our class," Alex added.

"Besides," continued Daria. "It was little more than a glorified music and writing exercise…"

"Which are our spheres of influence, not Quinn's" added Alex. "I doubt she would have enjoyed working on it even if she had anything to contribute to the project."

"Yeah, that whole coffeehouse thing is like, so totally retro," Quinn commented aloud with a silently mouthed 'Thank you' in her siblings' direction.

"Not to mention it wasn't our idea to participate in the first place," continued Alex.

"It definitely had the initial earmarks of one of Mr. O'Niel's educational disasters in the making," stated Daria.

"Well you two definitely made lemonade out of lemons," praised Jake as he stood and walked over to the kitchen counter and retrieved a pair of scissors from a drawer.

"Just remember, you have to be careful what you let people talk you into," the man added as he carefully clipped the article from the paper and hung it prominently on the refrigerator with a frog shaped magnet.

"Yes, we've got to maintain constant vigilance against those who'd force or manipulate us into taking actions or participate in activities we'd never agree to on our own," commented Daria snidely.

"I'll say!" agreed Jake reflexively as he stepped back and looked at the clipping one more time.

Helen paused for moment at the comment, but immediately continued on her way out of the kitchen.

_'Ouch,' _though Alex and Quinn as they noticed their mother's brief pause as she left.

* * *

Jake reclined against the headboard on his side of the bed in his pajamas. He read quietly from a cooking magazine by the light of the nightstand lamp.

The sounds of the faucet quieted and Helen exited the bathroom wearing a mid thigh satin nightgown. She climbed into bed slid under the covers, reclined similarly to her husband.

"Jake?" Helen asked quietly after several minutes of silent contemplation.

"Yeah honey?" responded Jake without looking up from his magazine.

"Do you think I'm too hard on the kids?" Helen asked hesitantly.

"What do you mean?" he responded as he licked his thumb and turned the page.

"I don't know. It's like every time I try to get them involved in something that will help them in the long run, it always ends the same," continued Helen as she scooted to a more comfortable sitting position with her back to the headboard. "We have the same argument, over and over again, and when it's all said and done, I end up looking like the bad guy."

_'Especially with Daria,_'she added mentally.

"I don't think you're being hard on them," answered Jake.

Helen smiled at her husband's comment.

"But I still think it would be a good idea to ease up on this extracurricular push you're on honey," continued Jake, which caused Helen's smile to fade. "You have to look at it from their side. The kids have been through a lot."

_'Especially Alex and Daria,' _thought Jake.

"I know Jake. I know," said Helen tiredly. "We all have. I just want them to get past it. I want them to start thinking about their futures. Their **individual **futures…"

"Helen…" said Jake in a chastising manner as he closed his book and set it on the nightstand beside the bed.

"I'm sorry Jake, but I just don't like how clingy they are with each other," remarked Helen with a cross of her arms.

"Helen, they're twins. They've been together, literally, since the moment they were conceived," replied Jake, as small amount of his frustration managed to creep into his voice.

Jake closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath before continuing.

"Do you remember in the hospital, when they were born?" he asked.

"God do I. They would both scream bloody murder if you tried to separate them. The nurses learned pretty quickly to put them in the same basinet in the nursery if they wanted to get the other babies to sleep," she responded.

Her stern expression softened at the memory of standing beside Jake watching Alex and Daria sleeping side by side in the Hospital nursery.

"Remember, after they started walking?" Jake continued.

His mouth turned up at the corners into a goofy grin as he remembered the twins, no more than 4 or 5 years old, running through the front yard of their tiny house in Highland, holding hands the way they always did.

"I swear, you would have thought their hands we glued together," recalled Helen with a light chuckle.

"That's what I'm talking about honey," continued Jake, as he roused himself from his nostalgia. "You always talk about wanting to 'bond with the girls', and about how I should 'bond with Alex'… But those two have a bond that neither of us could even dream of."

"I know, Jake," replied Helen quietly as she leaned her head against her husband's shoulder. "It's not that I don't like how close they are. I don't like not understanding it."

"I don't get it all the time either, honey," said Jake as he reached his arm over and around his wife's shoulder and kissed her forehead. "But that doesn't make it a bad thing."

"I guess I am making too much of it," Helen admitted hesitantly.

"Maybe a little," agreed Jake with a grin and a wink which rewarded him with a playful smack on the chest.

"Besides, neither of us has the best track record where our own siblings are concerned," Jake said as he set his magazine down on the nightstand.

He scooted further under the covers before he again pulled Helen close to him. The two lay like that for several quiet minutes, with Helen snuggled against her husband.

Jake smiled as he felt Helen fully relax and drift off to sleep with her arms around him.

_'I think us not completely understanding how they can be so close, is a good thing,_' he thought as he carefully switched off the nightstand light and fell asleep in his wife's arms.

**

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Some dialog and basic story concept from: _Cafe Disaffecto_ by Glenn Eichler

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria

A big thanks to all of the fellow inmates at PPMB for serving as my unwitting beta readers :)


	6. Mall Rat Blues

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Mall Rat Blues**

"Good grief," stated Jane as she closed the front door of her house behind her. "I'm not the biggest fan of air-headed perky model types but that was pretty bad, even for an air headed perky model type."

"Well, you can be certain that no one will ever mistake Kathy Ireland for an actress again after that one," commented Alex as he handed his sister her green jacket.

"And I thought Brittany was bad," added Daria as she donned her jacket with a smile to her brother. "I don't remember her being quite so… squeaky."

Jane laughed and stated, "Best part was when that Charmin guy actually stopped her in the middle of her desperate plea for help to ask _'Is that really your voice?'_"

Alex chuckled and Daria gave a noticeable smile at the scene as they headed down the street. The three continued discussing the merits of the abysmal movie they had just watched as they walked to the Morgendorffer home.

"I wonder what Mom's making for dinner," mused Alex aloud.

"Time to feed the beast it seems," teased Daria. "Maybe, if we're lucky, there will be enough for the rest of the family this time."

"Ha ha," said Alex with a roll of his eyes. "And who ate an entire large carnivore special by herself last night?"

"I left some of the crust on mine, unlike some people," rebutted Daria with a smirk towards her brother before she glanced at Jane. "At least we only ate **_one_** each."

"Hey, you two don't have to compete with the mooching machine that is The Spiral on a regular basis," said Jane offhandedly. "It was either eat it all then or chance not having anything to eat later. I went with the sure thing"

Alex and Daria glanced at each other briefly. The three walked in silence that bordered on becoming awkward.

"$10 says its lasagna… again," remarked Daria in answer to her brother's prior musing.

"Even Vegas would frown at the odds on that bet, Dia," replied Alex with a smirk as the three came to a stop before the Morgendorffer home.

"You know you're welcome to stay for dinner Jane," offered Daria as they made their way up the front walkway.

"We've got enough frozen lasagna stockpiled to last the winter," added Alex as he unlocked and opened the front door. "I'm sure the folks wouldn't mind."

"A hundred miles… To go to a mall?! Dammit! There's a mall five minutes away!" came Jake's exasperated voice from within the house.

The twins glanced at each other and said in unison, "Quinn."

"Even if we can't promise you dinner, looks like you might get a show," deadpanned Daria.

"I'll take a rain check amigos," declined Jane with a smile as she headed away from the house and towards her own. "One bad drama for the night is my limit."

The twins shrugged at each other, entered the house and made their way into the kitchen.

" It's too far away, Quinn," came Helen's voice as the twins entered the kitchen and made their way to their usual seats at the table.

"Hi kids," greeted Helen before she returned her attention to her youngest child. "Besides, you've done more than enough shopping for this quarter."

"Muh-om," whined Quinn. "As vice president of the Fashion Club, I need to know what's out there!"

"Vice president," asked Jake as his expression perked up. "Did you know she was vice president, Helen?"

"Yes, Jake," responded Helen.

"Of the Fashion Club!" he continued proudly.

"Yes, Jake," confirmed Helen tiredly. "Vice president of the Fashion Club."

"Do you think this tie works?" Jake asked worriedly as he held his red necktie out for his youngest daughter's inspection.

"Hmmm," vocalized Quinn as she held and examined the tie.

Jake tried with much effort not to fidget as he waited for Quinn's response.

"It's nice, Daddy," the red-head answered after a few seconds of deliberation. "But I think a mandarin collar would really set off your strong jaw line."

"Really," asked Jake as with a smile before his brow furrowed and he looked at his wife. "What's a mandarin collar?"

"I'd be happy to show you several styles that would really work for you Daddy," replied Quinn. "Now, if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium..."

"No more malls until you bring up your grade point average," interjected Helen.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Jake towards Quinn before he turned again to Helen. "What's wrong with her grade point average?"

"I'm not exactly thrilled with her mid-term report card," she answered before rising and moving to the oven. "A few too many C's for my liking."

"But Muh-oom," whined Quinn. "Sandi and the other girls are going. How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club if I can't go?"

"You could try a neck brace," quipped Alex.

"Or a traction pulley," added Daria.

"Yeah but the ropes would clash with her winter wardrobe," commented Alex.

"And we just can't have that now can we," said Daria.

"Just because you two aren't interested in what's new and attractive and popular..." began Quinn in a haughty tone.

"Oh, we're interested," replied Daria. "But why go a mere 100 miles away?"

"I hear that new Mega Mall in California is amazing," added Alex.

"California?" inquired Jake nervously.

"And there are some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia," commented Daria.

"Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!" exclaimed Jake angrily.

"Sit down, dear. It was a joke," soothed Helen with a glare at her oldest children as she donned a pair of oven mitts and opened the oven.

"Ohhhhh," said Jake as he visibly calmed. "Good one kids."

Helen returned from the oven and shook her head at her husband.

"I don't care what the other girls are doing, young lady. But you are not doing any more shopping until we see some improvement in your grades," she stated with finality.

With that statement, Helen set the large rectangular metal dish of now hot lasagna in the center of the table and took her seat beside Jake.

Quinn crossed her arms and fumed silently. She knew better than to argue with her mother this time.

Daria looked at the lasagna, then shot her Mona Lisa smile to her brother.

"Worse odds than Vegas," commented the boy quietly.

"What was that dear," asked Helen as she began to cut and plate square chunks of steaming lasagna.

"Nothing Mom," answered Alex as he returned his sister's small smile and reached for a plate.

* * *

"So my mom was, like, 'No more shopping until you bring your grades up young lady'," complained Quinn as she and the other Fashion Club members strolled down the halls of Lawndale High.

"That's… sooooo unfair," drawled Tiffany.

"I know," Quinn agreed. "It's like she expects me to be a brain like Daria and Lex."

"My Mom totally went through the roof after our last shopping trip," added Stacy. "She told me I can't buy any more clothes until the weather changes."

"Bummer," stated Tiffany sadly.

"Well, I am just glad that _my _mother is not as fashion challenged," interjected Sandi as the group came to a halt outside of their shared class. "I was just about to motion for an official Fashion Club outing to review the shopping potential of the new mall. However, it looks like we will have to postpone that until such time as some of our _less fortunate_ members…"

"MISS GRIFFIN!" came a loud voice from the open classroom doorway which cut off the remainder of Sandi's statement.

The four girls turned their attention to the voice's owner, one Anthony DeMartino, with sheepish expressions.

Mr. DeMartino stood in the doorway of his classroom and glared unevenly (mostly due to what appeared to be an uncontrollable twitching of his enlarged right eye) at the girls before he loudly ranted, "I feel I must APOLOGIZE for interrupting whatever FASCINATING shade of LIP gloss or flower BARETTES you were discussing with you COHORTS with such a trivial thing like your SCHEDULED history lesson but unlike you, I would like to make the ATTEMPT at a moderately productive class today."

With that statement he turned and reentered his classroom.

"Maybe we should wait until lunch to talk about this," suggested Quinn which elicited nods from Stacy and Tiffany.

"Agreed," said Sandi. "Discussion tabled until a more convenient time."

"To-DAY ladies," barked DeMartino from his place at his desk.

* * *

The majority of students in Mrs. Bennett's classroom scratched their heads in confusion as the teacher scrawled even more incomprehensible markings into the patterns on the chalkboard.

"In economics, we call this flow," stated the middle-aged female teacher as she pointed to seemingly random circles and squiggles in her chart. "We have a scenario of supply and demand, where a new demand is created by a previous supply."

Alex blinked repeatedly as he attempted to make sense of the diagram the teacher had worked out on the chalkboard.

"Is it just me or do you need a degree in non-Euclidean geometry to even begin understanding her diagrams," asked Daria quietly.

"I don't think even that would help," he responded

The boy turned to make a joke to Jane when he noticed her scribbling furiously in her notebook.

"Wait… are you actually taking notes?" he asked incredulously.

"Huh… notes? What are you smoking?" asked Jane before she realized why Alex had asked the question. "Oooooh... I wanted to try and copy that pattern."

She held up her notebook to him, which showed a more esthetically pleasing version of the complex collection of squares, circles and lines covering the front chalkboard.

"I'm almost sure I can reproduce it in 3-dimentional sculpture… though I might have to stretch that 3rd dimension a little bit."

"Does everyone follow?" asked Mrs. Bennet as she turned to face the class. Her slightly pudgy face bore an excited but restrained smile.

"Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory?" She continued with expectant glances around the room.

After a long, silent pause in which no one volunteered an answer, the woman gave a small sigh then turned to the front middle seats of her classroom.

"Alexander? Daria?" she prompted hopefully.

"Well, Mrs Bennett," Daria began. "If we're talking concrete... I'd have to go with that ever so popular repository of human greed and debasement more commonly known as 'the mall'."

"Very good," the teacher responded. "The mall is a very beautiful illustration of all these economic principles. In fact, it would make for an excellent field trip."

"All right! Field trip!" shouted Kevin as he pumped his fist in the air several times.

He settled down and a brief look of confusion crossed his face. He then leaned forward and tapped Alex on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Hey, where are we going, man?" the quarterback asked.

"Let's see… we're talking about supply and demand… then Ms Bennett said that the mall is a perfect example… where do you think we're going?" responded Alex.

"uh…" mused Kevin, clueless as usual.

"It's a field trip Kevin," interjected Daria. "We're going to the field."

"Oh," stated Kevin acceptingly before his goofy grin returned. "Cool."

Alex simply shook his head and glanced toward Jane. Jane chuckled lightly and returned her attention to her notepad.

"In fact," continued Mrs. Bennett. "The brand new Mall of the Millennium gives us an excellent example. It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure."

While the majority of the class perked up at the mention of the new mall, Daria gave an almost imperceptible frown.

"Um, Mrs. Bennett," Daria called.

"Yes dear. What is it?" the teacher responded.

"I think that's a really bad idea," said Daria with a sigh.

"Don't be silly, Daria," responded Mrs. Bennett. "It's your idea and it's perfect."

"We'll take a vote," the woman offered. "All in favor of a class trip to the mall next Friday instead of our usual surprise quiz?"

Not surprisingly, almost every hand in the classroom went up, accompanied by a few cheers from Kevin and several of the other football players. Daria glanced around and her eyebrow rose when she noticed that in addition to Jane, her brother had also raised his hand.

"All opposed?" asked the teacher after everyone in favor of the trip had lowered their hands.

Daria immediately raised her hand. She looked around and realized hers was the only hand up.

With a sigh she lowered her hand and stated, "Objection withdrawn."

* * *

Alex, Daria and Jane walked to an empty table in the far corner of the lunch room and set their trays down.

"So we're going to learn how to make pasta in Home Ec today," stated Jane as she took a spot beside Alex and across from Daria.

"Hopefully the same person who made today's Spaghetti Surprise isn't teaching the class," remarked Alex as he poked hesitantly at the blob of overcooked, and clumpy noodles underneath a pathetically thin red sauce which rested in the middle of his tray.

"Well if the food doesn't suit your tastes I'll be happy to take it off your hands," remarked Jane as she hooked a finger on the corner of his plate and began to slowly slide it towards her own tray.

The tray stopped moving as Alex set a hand on the opposite side of his tray and waved his fork at Jane in a faux threat.

The two continued to talk briefly about pasta and the poor quality of the lunchroom food, between bites of said food before Alex focused his attention on his sister.

Daria was weakly poking at the food on her plate with her typical neutral expression. The casual observer wouldn't have thought anything of it. Alex however could tell something was bothering the girl.

"You OK Dia," he asked.

"Yeah, you've barely touched your Spaghetti Surprise," observed Jane. "Not that I can blame you. It's only moderately edible today."

"Why do they call it Spaghetti Surprise?" asked Alex.

"Because it would be a surprise if there were anything resembling actual spaghetti in it," deadpanned Daria.

"Come on Dia, what's bugging you," prompted Alex. "… aside from the food of course."

Daria pushed her tray away from her and gave a sigh.

"It's bad enough that Mom keeps dragging me out on shopping trips," she began. "But now I have to get dragged to the Über-Mall by the school."

"Yeah Mom's little bonding trips are pretty mind numbing," agreed Alex. "And that's on a good day."

"So why'd you vote for the trip?" Daria asked.

"Because it beats sitting around Mrs. Bennett's classroom getting eyestrain and a migraine trying to decipher another one of her charts," replied Alex.

"What about you," ask Daria with a glance in Jane's direction.

"An opportunity to skip a pop quiz, wander aimlessly in the mall… **_and _**not only get class credit for it but avoid a bunch of classes for the day," stated Jane after swallowing her mouthful of food. "Now that's a school activity I can support."

"Fair enough," returned Daria after a moment of thought. "Still... I am not looking forward to being stuck in the mall with our illustrious peers for the whole day."

"It can't be any worse than being stuck in the mall with Mom and Quinn all day," offered Alex. "At least I won't have to carry purses and shopping bags this time around."

"Darn, I was looking forward to having my own pack mule for the trip," teased Jane.

"If Quinn were coming with us, I'd say borrow one of hers," joked Alex.

"**_If _**Quinn were coming with us, she'd probably need more than the three she has," quipped Daria before she pulled her tray back towards herself and took a bite of Spaghetti Surprise.

* * *

The bulk of the sophomore class stood in the parking lot of Lawndale High. The lot was filled with sounds of the mass of gathered teens chit-chatting and generally milling about. Jane, Daria and Alex stood near the front of the crowd and carried on a casual conversation with Jodie and Mack.

Mrs. Bennett stepped casually through the throng of students and stood near the doors of the bus.

"Alright everyone when I call your name…" the teacher began before realizing that the majority of the gathered teens weren't paying attention to her.

She tried to gain their attention several more times with no success.

"I got this," stated Jane as she reached into her jacket pocket and fished out a metal whistle.

"Mack if you would be so kind," she requested as she brought the whistle to her lips.

The football captain shook his head and placed a firm grip on his quarterback's padded shoulder.

"What the…" started Daria before Jane took a deep breath and blew forcefully into the whistle.

Mack dug his feet in as he held Kevin, who had almost bolted towards the field mid sentence due to what could only be an autonomic response to the sound of the whistle.

The shrill sound had a more normal affect on the rest of the crowd. All conversation stopped and everyone faced forward

Mrs. Bennett beamed a smile at Jane as she began to call off the student's names and herd them into the busses.

* * *

The buses pulled away from LHS and made their way to the freeway. The student's settled into their seats and resumed their conversations while Mrs. Bennett stood at the front near the driver. The teacher gave a brief lecture about the fundamentals of the retail consumer market while the chatting teens largely ignored her.

"So Mr. Ruttheimer," prompted Alex to his freckled friend seated beside him. "What's the plan?"

"Well Mr. Morgendorffer, I plan to explore the advantages of a gold card," Charles replied as, with brief demonstration of sleight of hand, he produced a glittery gold credit card.

He then turned around on his knees to the seat behind them and addressed Daria and Jane.

"Of course I may require some assistance with this endeavor. Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his _secretary_," he stated to the girls with a brief chuckle.

"But I need a couple of models," he continued as he expertly flipped the card back and forth between his fingers. "The two of you are about her size. What do you say, gals?"

"Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?" deadpanned Jane.

"Fiesty," the boy purred which prompted an eye roll and slight head shake from Alex.

"If he keeps this up, he's going to find that most hospitals also accept gold cards," remarked Daria with a frown.

"You OK Dia?" asked Alex as he glanced back and noticed a slightly pained expression on his sister's face

"Daria?" asked a concerned Jane

"I feel sick," the bespectacled girl stated.

"Looks like the old Ruttheimer charm is working as expected eh Upchuck?" quipped Jane.

"No, I really do feel sick," stated Daria with a pained expression. "Can someone open a window?"

Jane turned in her spot next to the window and attempted to open it with little success.

"I think it's jammed," she stated as she pushed against the uncooperative pane of glass.

"Allow me, fair maiden," offered Upchuck as he stood from his own seat and slid past Daria and Jane and began to work on the window.

"I didn't know you got car sick," stated Jane as she ripped a sheet from her sketch pad and used it to fan her green around the gills friend.

"She usually doesn't," responded Alex. "Unless she's foolish enough to try to read on a bumpy road."

"I think it's the fumes," Daria stated. "It smells like... it smells like..."

"Teen spirit?" asked Jane jokingly

"Cheap cologne or perfume," answered Daria.

Both girls turned towards Charles as he continued to struggle with the window.

"I'll… have you ladies know…" replied Upchuck between grunts of exertion as he fought against the uncooperative window. "I only wear… fragrances of the… highest quality."

'_Largest quantity is more like it,' _thought Daria as she removed her glasses and covered her eyes.

"Smells a little too flowery for cologne," observed Alex as he slid open the window on his seat.

"You're right," agreed Jane after sniffing the air a few times.

"Brittany must be working up a sweat," she stated with a smirk as she glanced around and noticed she didn't see the bubbly cheerleader's face.

"What could she be…" began Alex before he the realization came to him. "On the bus?"

"As a wise woman once said, 'Never underestimate the ability of Kevin and Brittany to not care where they make out'," advised Jane.

"Was that wise woman or wiseass?" asked Daria as she remembered her friend's words from Quinn's disastrous 'accidental' party the month before.

She then slid past Jane and took Upchuck's now vacant window seat beside her brother. She handed her glasses to the boy, closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cool glass of the window. Alex pocketed his sister's glasses and began gently rubbing her back with a concerned expression.

Upchuck ceased his efforts against the securely jammed window and sidled up to Jane.

"So Ms. Lane… about that modeling opportunity," cheesed the redhead with a waggling of eyebrows as he draped his arm over the back of the seat.

"Only in your wildest dreams and my worst nightmares, Upchuck," responded Jane coldly as she stood up and moved into the seat in front of them next to Alex.

"Grrrrrrr, Fiesty!" purred Upchuck.

* * *

The parking lot tram, made up of a string of connected 4-seat golfcart like vehicles, slowly ferried the students and other visitors from the expansive parking lot towards the Mall itself

"Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium, the world's second or third largest mall," announced the recorded voice from speakers mounted in each tram cart. The announcement continued to provide trivial PR about the mall and it's amenities that were ignored by almost every passenger of the tram. Only Mrs. Bennett paid any attention to it.

"Feeling any better," asked Jane as the tram slowly moved along.

"A little bit," answered Daria as she recovered her gasses from Alex.

"You'll be fine once we get away from all of the gas fumes and into the happy recycled and conditioned air in the Mall," joked Alex.

Jane was prepared to add a comment but it was cut off as the tram bounced over a few small potholes and caused her and other students to grab their seats reflexively.

"I'd be happy to be off vehicles and on my own two feet for a while," remarked Daria, punctuated with a small burp.

"Oh, that was oh so ladylike," teased Jane.

Further barbs were interrupted by the sound of a loud slap, which was then followed by an all too familiar "Fiesty!"

Alex glanced back towards the tram car holding Kevin, Brittany and Charles. Brittany appeared to be quite angry about something. It didn't take an honor student to identify the source of her anger when he noticed that Charles was holding the side of his face and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

Alex shook his head at his friend and thought,_ 'I swear that boy is never going to learn.' _

The tram circled slowly up to the front doors of the Mall and trundled over several sets of small speed bumps.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Daria announced as she held her hands over her stomach.

The tram screeched to an abrupt stop, jostling all of its passengers quite thoroughly in the process. The bulk of the students exited their tram cars and stood staring in awe at the impressive façade of the mall's primary entrance.

"Any chance you can hold it till we get to a bathroom?" asked Jane as she exited their car and watched Alex help his sister from their car.

Daria immediately doubled over and began to vomit on the tiled walkway. Alex quickly moved his sister's hair away from her face and rubbed her back as she emptied her stomach onto the pavement.

'_I'll take that as a No,' _came Jane's internal response.

"Looks like the car sickness finally caught up with her," said Charles as he carefully approached his friend and the girls.

"Well if anyone would know about making girls sick…" quipped Jane.

"What's going on?" asked Mrs. Bennett as she pushed through the gathering of disgusted students (standing well away from Daria) who watched the spectacle.

The teacher approached the trio as Daria slowly returned to a fully upright position.

"Oh dear… are you alright Daria?" the concerned teacher asked.

"She got a bit motion sick from the bus ride," answered Alex.

"I'm sure the tram ride didn't do anything to help either," observed Mrs. Bennett placed a reassuring hand on Daria's shoulder.

"I tried to warn you," reminded Daria as she subtly moved away from the teacher.

"I've been on boat rides during a storm that were smoother than that tram ride," commented Jane.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright dear," the teacher asked again.

"I feel a lot better now," confirmed Daria. "I just need to get somewhere solid that doesn't smell like diesel, sweat and cheap perfume for a little while."

"Maybe we can find somewhere like that after we're done at the Mall," joked Jane, which drew a chuckle from Mrs. Bennett and more than a few of the gathered students.

"Alright students, let's go experience some applied consumer economics," Mrs. Bennett announced as she began to herd the students towards the entrance of the mall.

As the student's entered the building through its expansive glass doors, Jane noticed two workers in beige jumpers with mops and buckets exit the building. As she held the door open for the Alex and Daria, she glanced back and watched the pair begin to clean up the tiled walkway.

"Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium," she stated before she entered the building end joined her classmates.

* * *

Mrs. Bennett stood before a back-lit square post that held the map of the mall. She scratched her head a few times as she attempted to decipher their current location in relation to where they wanted to go. Students milled about while the teacher struggled with the map.  
Daria took the opportunity to sit on a nearby bench overlooking the lower levels. Alex Jane, Jodie and Mack stood nearby. The sounds of children screaming in excitement drew the attention of the group.

"Can you believe they actually have a working roller coaster inside the mall?" asked Jodie as she watched the coaster car on its high speed path.

"You know we're going to see it on the news one day. 'Coaster disaster at the Mall of the Millenium'," stated Mack as he leaned against the rail and joined the others in watching the ride.

"Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll have live footage of the ensuing carnage," added Jane.

"How can you even think that Jane?" asked a shocked Jodie.

"It's the underlying sense of morbid fascination inherent in all people," responded Daria as she stood and joined the others at the rail.

"The same principle that causes people to slow down on the freeway when we see a wreck," added Alex.

"Or watch horror movies," added Jane.

"Or Nascar and rodeos," stated Daria with a smirk at her brother.

"I distinctly remember a certain someone who would sit right beside me watching those," he remarked with his own smirk.

"Hey now. Quinn doesn't judge you. It would be bad form to judge her," deadpanned Daria.

"I also remember it being your idea to have her make the snacks while we watched Nascar so that you wouldn't miss any of the race," he rebutted.

"See one car blow up in the pits and you're hooked for life," complained Daria as Jane and the others laughed.

"Though in all fairness, there wasn't much in the form of intelligent programming on the local channels in Highland," observed Alex.

"Not a lot of diversity in your entertainment choices eh?" reasoned Mack.

"We didn't have cable so we were relegated to whatever we could find on the local channels," answered Daria

"Least you got that though," commented Alex. "Nothing but CNN, The History Channel and the Military channel at Buxton got tiresome after the 1st 6 months."

"But one can take only so many hours of Sesame Street and hunting shows in a day," remarked Daria.

_'And Dad wondered why I would hang around with the Dim-witted Duo,'_ she thought with her usual subdued smile. _'Well, aside from their general gullibility and high entertainment value.'_

"Alright class," came Mrs. Bennett's voice. "Ms. Li has managed to schedule a meeting with Chad Maximillian, Chief Financial Administrator for the Mall of the Millennium. They've graciously set aside some time to discus mall operations with us. We'll get an inside perspective on applied economics at the retail level. Won't that be wonderful?"

Her cheerful gaze drifted across the gathered faces and took in the impassive reactions of her students.

"And since she has allowed us the day for this trip, though I doubt we'll need that much time, once we're done you'll be able to start your weekend a little early," she added.

As she expected, the children began to cheer earnestly.

"I figured that would get your attention," she said with a knowing smile.

"We'll walk down R Moss, and turn right at Q Canary," the teacher announced as she pointed out their path on the large display screen.

"Wow," said Brittany in awe as she looked intently at the map. "Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors? The person who thought them all up must be a genius."

"Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet," commented Jane.

She then glanced at Daria who returned an icy and still slightly queasy glare. "Oh, yeah, we passed that one first."

The class began walking at a casual pace with Mrs. Bennett in the lead. The teacher examined a paper copy of the mall map as she attempted to navigate through the building.

"OK, so it's right at T Periwinkle, then a left at N Cranberry. Wait, is that cranberry or magenta?" the woman asked as she scrutinized the map.

After a moment of confusion she looked up from her map and spotted Jane.

"Jane, dear, you're an artist," she said as she handed the map to the girl. "Is this cranberry or magenta?"

Jane examined the map for a moment as Alex, Charles and Daria looked over her shoulder, then replied "I think it's cranapple,"

"Mrs. B," prompted Upchuck. "Can we please stop for a minute at Bikini Island? I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies, and perhaps you'd care to pick out something for yourself?"

"Not now, 'll be late for our meeting with the mall executives. I had to work very hard to arrange this. These are very important, very busy..." Mrs. Bennett responded with a sigh before her eyes grew wide and she began bouncing excitedly in place. "oh, oh, oooooh!"

"What is it, Mrs. B?" asked Upchuck as he and the rest of the students were caught off guard by their teacher's sudden exuberant behavior.

She then moved hurriedly towards a nearby storefront and peered through the large glass picture window at the displays.

"The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop!" the woman exclaimed excitedly. "Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!"

She leaned forward with her hands and face pressed to the glass.

"Aren't they adorable? Look, a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits cactus! And look at that little bunny rabbit with its own Fuzzy Wuzzy carrot!" Mrs. Bennett said laughingly.

"I think I'm going to be sick again," commented Daria.

Jane glanced at her friend with concern before she noticed the smirk on the bespectacled girls face.

"Yeah, this much cute should be illegal," added Alex as he and the rest moved towards the store. "Or at least come with a medical warning of some kind for diabetics."

"I don't know," commented Jane as she leaned forward to get a look into the front display. "Some of these do have a certain appeal."

The twins were about to inquire into their friend's mental stability when they noticed a small sign labeled "Limited Editions on Sale!"

"Fair enough," said Daria as she followed her friend's gaze and thought about where in her room she could best display the miniature plush Alien face hugger.

* * *

The students sat around a large oval table in one of the mall's large conference rooms. The room was brightly lit and while there were no windows in the room, as it was located in an inner section of the building, one wall was taken up from waist height to ceiling by a large mirror.

"And of course, when you go to the mall, you look for what?" asked a man dressed in a nice dark blue suit and tie.

"Bikinis," stated Upchuck which drew a raised eyebrow from the other two mall execs.

"Make that lovely, luscious, ladies in bikinis!" he quickly added.

"Yeah!" agreed Kevin which rewarded him with a punch in the arm from Brittany.

" Ow!" he exclaimed. "But babe... you look hot in a bikini."

"Feisty!" growled Upchuck with a leer and a wink towards Brittany who stood and stomped over towards the mirrored wall.

"Children please," chided Mrs. Bennett. "I'm sorry Mr. Maximillian."

"Call me Chad. It's OK." he dismissed. "I remember what it was like to be a kid."

"Anyone else?" he prompted as he looked to the other students around the room.

"I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs," remarked Jane which drew another set of raised eyebrows from the two executives who had accompanied Mr. Maximillian. "Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise."

"I meant more along the line of the qualities you look for?" Chad clarified. "The stores? What should they be like?"

"Perky... a little bouncy... not too bouncy..." mused Brittany aloud as she posed in front of the mirror and examined her reflection.

"What?!" asked Chad with a confused expression as he turned his attention to the cheerleader.

"What?" returned Brittany, oblivious to the actual topic of discussion.

"I have a question," interjected Jodie with a raised hand.

After a nod from the man she continued, "Do you think our demographic can really be addressed by middle-aged middle managers telling us what's fun to buy?"

"Umm… well…" stumbled the administrator, clearly thrown off by such a pointed question. His gaze moved quickly across the other students before it settled on Daria.

"How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall?" he asked hopefully.

"Don't people usually get paid for participating in this kind of market research?" Daria stated flatly.

"Research?" asked Mr. Maximillian in a nervous voice.

"Now, children," chided Mrs. Bennett. "These busy gentlemen have been nice enough to give their time to help educate us on mall economics. Tell us about flow, would you?"

"Of course" stated the man with a relieved exhale.

Alex leaned towards Jane and nodded towards Brittany, still posing before the mirrored wall.

"I bet those guys are enjoying the show," he whispered as the Chad gave a brief explanation of the mall's profit flow.

"What show?" asked a confused Jane. "What guys?"

"That's most likely a two-way mirror," informed Daria.

Jane looked at the mirror for a moment then asked, "You mean, like the ones in movies where if you turn out the lights you can see through it?"

"That's typically how it's done," answered Daria in whisper. "There are probably a couple of analysts on the other side…"

"Watching us and writing down our responses for future marketing ideas," finished her brother.

"Didn't you say people normally get paid for participating in these kinds of things?" Jane asked.

"Yep," answered Alex.

"The standard rate is about 10 to 15 an hour for the average Joe," Daria stated.

"I'm more interested in how much they'll pay the slightly above average Jane," the raven haired girl commented quietly.

Jane glanced behind her and noticed she was sitting within arm's reach of the light control panel. With a loud fake yawn, she leaned back in her chair and stretched in a slow exaggerated manner and flipped the two main switches off, which instantly darkened the interior of the conference room. Without the interior light of the conference room, everyone's attention was drawn to the mirrored wall, which now looked more like a windowed wall. It was impossible to ignore the three observers sitting on the other side of the glass with surprised expressions on their faces.

Brittany jumped back from the mirror and issued a startled "Eep!"

One of the executives rushed to the light switch panel and turned the lights back on and settled a disapproving scowl at Jane.

"Whoops, clumsy me," the girl remarked with a grin.

The mirrored wall was once again a reflective surface, but the damage had already been done. The disapproving murmur of the students did not sit too well with the executives.

_'Well that explains how Angela was able to arrange this meeting so easily,'_ thought Mrs. Bennett with a sigh.

"The focus group is, um, a very important tool in mall management," Chad explained with a nervous laugh. "We thought that with this live demonstration..."

"I feel used. I feel abused," interrupted Jodie angrily. "I feel that this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it."

"I bet that wouldn't be too good for your flow would it Chad," teased Jane with a smirk.

"All right, little lady," Mr. Maximillian responded as he reached inside his jacket and pulled a colored coupon from his vest pocket. "Here's a coupon for a free frozen yogurt."

"Don't insult me," scoffed Jodie as she crossed her arms and scowled at the man.

"Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon," he stated as he pulled another coupon book from his opposing vest pocket.

"You're still insulting her," commented Jane.

Chad sighed and pulled the remaining coupons from his pocket with a sigh and announced, "Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class."

"You don't get it," stated Daria. "There's a principle involved."

"Actually Daria… No, there isn't," commented Jodie as she stood and accepted a coupon from the man.

The other students followed Jodie's lead and formed a line to receive coupons of their own from Mr. Maximillian.

"So much for idealistic youth," Daria stated as she noted Jane had stood and was moving to join the other students. "Where's your sense of ethical outrage?"

"Hey! That's twenty bucks!" answered the artist as she walked over to claim her own merchandise coupon. "More than the average Joe for an hour, right?"

"She makes an effective argument," stated Alex as he rose from his own seat and walked after Jane.

"Et Tu, Lex," stated Daria as she also stood and joined her brother.

"Look at it this way. They didn't get any usable info from their little scam but we still get paid," he replied as they reached the end of the line.

"True… but it's still pretty crappy if you ask me," she remarked.

"Just think of it as a practical lesson in business economics," came Mrs. Bennett's voice.

The twins turned to see the teacher standing in line in front of them. She winked at them and stepped to Mr. Maximillian

They glanced at each other, shrugged and stepped up to receive coupons of their own from the none too pleased Financial Administrator.

* * *

Mrs. Bennet and her students stood near the 2nd floor elevators near another of the mall's map displays. Most of the students examined the $20 slips they received and complained.

Charles walked away from Kevin and Brittany to rejoin Alex and the girls with a toothy grin.

"I'm almost afraid to know what he's so happy about," commented Daria.

"Mission accomplished," the freckled boy announced.

"You seem to still have a full set of teeth, so I doubt Brittany agreed to model bikinis for you," commented Alex.

"Maybe Kevin agreed to model for him," quipped Jane which caused Charles' grin to become a frown.

"There's a mental picture I could have done without," chimed Alex with a disgusted expression.

"Did anyone get a coupon for Brain Bleach by any chance?" asked Daria.

"If you must know, I was able to broker an exchange with our star quarterback and his luscious companion that was mutually beneficial for all involved," interjected Charles.

"Vioala!" he exclaimed as he held up two of the merchandise coupons and handed one to Alex. "I Overheard Kevin and Brittany voicing similar dismay to ours over the stores their coupons were for and arranged an exchange."

"'Books By the Ton - The country's biggest bookstore'," read Alex "Nice."

"I'd be happy to make my bartering skills available to you two lovely ladies," offered Upchuck with a waggle of his eye brows.

Jane and Daria glanced at each other and examined their own coupons.

"'Scissor Wizard'. Groovy, I can actually use a new pair of scissors," stated Jane as she looked at Daria. "What'd you get?"

Daria glanced at her own coupon and slid it into her pocket.

"Not what I'd have originally gone with but I think I can make use of it," she advised. "So thanks, but no thanks."

"Gather round children," stated Mrs. Bennett. "I have some assignments for you."

The students began groaning as they formed a semicircle around the teacher.

"I know you'd rather just mill about aimlessly, but remember this little trip has a purpose," the teacher chided. "Alexander and Charles, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food concessions. Daria and Jane, I'd like the two of you to talk to several store managers on the 1st floor and find out their best selling merchandise. Jodie and Mack will do the same for the 2nd floor. Andrea and Lance will do the same for the 3rd."

The teacher continued to assign varying sections and associated tasks to the remainder of the students, handing out notepads and pens as she did.

"What do you want us to do Mrs. Bennett?" asked Brittany as she idly twirled her finger in the end of her hair.

"Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage," the teacher stated as she handed note pads to them.

"Shrinkage?" asked Kevin. "They've got a swimming pool in the mall? Cool!"

Jane put her hand in her mouth in an attempt to stifle the raucous laughter that threatened to escape. Daria, Jodie and Mack smirked similarly at Kevin's line of thought and Alex gave a cough to vainly hide his own amusement. Most of the other students didn't bother with decorum and laugh openly at the quarterback's comment.

Mrs. Bennett sighed and explained, "Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting. I'd like you to analyze its economic impact."

"Does everyone else understand their assignments?" she asked to the remaining students and received murmurs and nods._ "_Now, we'll meet back here at a quarter to three. Remember, area F, section Moss, level three. Got it? F Moss Three."

"Got it," confirmed Kevin. "But I have a question."

"Yes Kevin," the teacher prompted.

"Was I supposed to bring my swimming trunks or will they have some I can borrow at the pool?" he asked.

Mrs. Bennett's only reply was to close her eyes and lowered her head with a loud sigh.

* * *

"So which store should we check out first?" asked Mack as he and Jodie strolled casually down the walkways of the Mall's 2nd floor.

"I was thinking we should choose several different types of stores to get a broader sample group," Jodie answered.

"Makes sense to me," remarked Mack as he glanced at a few of the storefronts on either side of the isle and noted no discernable pattern to the layout. "Shouldn't be too difficult."

"We should also stop by Cashman's," suggested Jodie thoughtfully.

"Looking to pick up another outfit for school? Sure you don't want to join the Fashion Club after all?" teased Mack.

"Actually, I was thinking we could submit an addendum to our assignment once we get back next week for some extra credit," replied the girl. "Comparing the one here with the local branch in Lawndale."

_'We finally get a touch of us time and all she can think about is extra credit when we get back,' _thought Mack with a sigh as he reached into his pocket and felt the crumple of paper.

He glanced at his coupon and an idea formed immediately.

"I've got a better idea. How about we hit the first 5 or so stores we see…" he offered as he slipped his coupon into her hand. "Then head over to Floral Explosion and see how many daffodils we can get with this?"

Jodie looked at the florally decorated slip of paper then smiled up at her boyfriend.

_'How does he always managers to remember the little things like my favorite flower' _Jodie wondered.

"I think the first 3 would probably be enough," she stated as she looped her arm around Mack's waist.

* * *

"Think we've got enough info?" asked Jane as she and Daria exited a candle and incense themed store and began walk towards the elevators and escalators.

"I hope so," replied Daria as she flipped her notepad closed and pocketed her pen.. "Because I think I've exhausted my interest in 'flow' for the year."

"You over your motion sickness?" prompted Jane.

"No need to worry. Your boots are safe from further attempts at regurgitative assault," deadpanned Daria.

"Good. Because I'm starving," answered Jane. "How about we go meet up with Alex and find out how his assignment is coming along."

"Always thinking with your stomach," quipped Daria as she stopped and faced her friend with her subdued smile. "Well, it is your most well developed muscle group so better that than what's allegedly between your ears."

"I would reply but my thinking muscle needs more power to come up with a sufficiently scathing and witty rebuttal," replied Jane with a smile of her own.

"Hey, look," the raven haired girl stated as she noticed they had stopped in front of Scissor Wizard. "I can use my coupon."

Once they entered the store, they discovered immediately that it was a hair salon as opposed to a scissor specialty shop as they initially thought.

"You got here just in time," came a voice from their right.

The girls turned to see a twentyish man in a tight short sleeved shirt approach them. He reached out and cupped the bottom edges of Jane's hair and examined her face intently.

"Um,… I've got this coupon," Jane began.

The hairdresser nodded, took her by the hand and lead her to a styling chair.

"The style suits your face. Not a bad job…" commented the stylist aloud as he also took note of the split ends and slight unevenness of her bangs. "But not a great job either. Who normally cuts your hair honey?"

"Actually I usually cut it myself," Jane responded confused.

"Decent work for an amateur but you really should let us professionals do it next time," the man stated as he continued manipulating Jane's dark tresses and slowly turning the chair he had her sitting in.

"I'll keep that in mind, but I just wanted a pair of scissors," she responded.

"We don't sell scissors, we cut hair," the man fired back. "Which show?"

"What?" asked Jane even more confused than before.

The hairdresser let out a frustrated sigh before responding, "Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom or something from one of those tween dramas."

He turned Jane around to face him and he leaned in close to the girls face.

"Although, you strike me as more the "movie of the week" type," he stated. "Love the eyes by the way. How much were they?"

"Huh," asked Daria and Jane in unison.

"The contacts honey, how much did they cost you," he prompted as he turned her around again and began to run a fine toothed comb through Jane's hair.

"Oh! Wow, been a while since any one asked that," said Jane with a chuckle. "Hate to disappoint, but they're not contacts. These baby blues are 100% mine."

"I know girls that would kill for your look," he stated laughingly

"You know we only came here because we thought you sold scissors," stated Daria.

"Yeah, I doubt I've got the time or money for the kind of treatment you guys normally give," stated Jane as she looked at her coupon again.

"Let me see," said the man as he glanced over Jane's shoulder and noted the amount of the coupon. "$20 bucks eh? That would get you a basic rinse and a trim, which is about all you need anyway hon."

"I don't know…" stated Jane hesitantly.

"I can have you all set and out of here in 20 minutes… just about when my next appointment should show up," the stylist offered as he grasped Jane's hand and helped her up from the chair.

"You think it's a good idea? This guy seems a bit odd," whispered Daria. "A little too anxious to get you in the chair if you catch my drift."

"Unless I spontaneously switch from Jane to John, I don't think I've got much to worry," joked Jane in whispered response.

Daria took a second look at the stylist and smirked at her oversight.

"If I'm not back in 20 minutes…" stated Jane at a normal volume as the stylist lead her back towards the row of sinks on the far end of the salon.

"I'll send the search party," finished Daria as she smirked at her friend being dragged to have her hair washed.

"Oh look, '50 Ways to Get Your Man to Ask You to the Prom'," stated Daria with mock enthusiasm as she picked up one of the magazines set beside the waiting area, settled into one of the plush seats and began to read.

* * *

20 minutes later, Daria scrutinized her friend's hair. The stylist hadn't really done much to it other than a conditioning rinse and cleaned up an almost unnoticeable unevenness to the cut of the girl's dark hair. Paying close attention, Daria noticed the subtle differences. Jane's hair had been brushed and styled so that instead of simply hanging straight down as it usually did, the ends curled slightly upwards towards her neck. And while her hair was shiny by nature, it now held a touch more volume than it usually did.

"I'll have to find that conditioner back in Lawndale," commented Jane. "I can actually feel my scalp tingling."

"That's just the ebola doing seeping in," joked Daria. "You ready it hit the food court?"

"Nothing like stuffing your face to really set off a nice free pampering," commented Jane.

As she and Jane exited the salon Daria slammed into another person walking into the store and both landed unceremoniously on their posteriors.

"Ugh, like watch where you're… Daria?" said a familiar voice.

"Quinn?" asked Daria confused.

As Jane helped her up, Daria arranged her glasses to a normal position on her face and saw Stacy helping her sister up from the floor. The other members of the Fashion Club were also present

"Well, well, what an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding," commented Daria snidely.

"Ugh, I'm going to be sick," commented said Quinn.

"Quinn… ewwwww," responded Tiffany slowly.

"Is that, like, a family thing?" quipped Jane, which drew a glare from Daria.

"What are you two doing at a salon?" asked Quinn.

"What are you doing in this part of the state?" Daria inquired as she refocused on Quinn. "You're not in Mrs. Bennett's Economics class."

"Mrs. Bennett is here?!" Quinn asked with wide eyes.

"Yep and the rest of our class," confirmed Jane.

"I'll bet she'd be thrilled to see you four here. Just as pleased as Mom and Dad will be to hear I ran into you here… at the mall… on this lovely school day," remarked Daria with a subtle smirk.

Quinn's glanced at her three friends who all had similar expressions of worry.

"Kuh-Whinn, it would be most unfortunate if the Fashion Club were to get in trouble because of your geeky sister," stated Sandi.

"Oh god, they're gonna find out we skipped," said Stacy frantically. "We're going to get suspended… or expelled… or excommunicated…"

"Stacy! Breathe," commanded Quinn which seemed to settle the other girl. "Just give us a minute guys."

She beckoned Daria and walked away from the other Fashion Club members.

"Okay, state your terms," the younger Morgendorffer prompted as her sister and Jane approached.

"You know…It's strange. I can't think of anything I'd want..." Daria commented whistfully. "At least not anything from **_you_**."

"How about a free makeover?" Quinn offered half-heartedly.

"No matter how many times you make it, that offer will be declined as usual," replied Daria. "However, it would be nice to take it easy around the house for a little while. Maybe a month."

"A _month?! _"No way!"Quinn exclaimed. "You're like loosing it if you think I'm gonna put up with doing your chores for a month."

"It's that, or you can just never set foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life," stated Daria.

Quinn fumed and realized she had little to no bargaining leverage in the current situation.

"Speaking of setting foot in the mall," continued Daria. "How did you guys get here?"

"We got one of the junior varsity to drive us in his dad's SUV," informed Quinn.

Daria smiled subtly as an idea formed.

"OK, since I'm really not in the mood to take the bus back, here's the deal," stated Daria. "Two weeks and a ride home from your little friend and Mom and Dad need never know of this."

"But we still have shopping to do. How are we going to fit the two of you **_and_** our stuff?" whined Quinn.

"Three… you're forgetting Lex," reminded Daria. "And I would highly recommend cutting your shopping trip short before you run into any of the other students."

"Or Mrs. B," added Jane.

"Ugh! Fine! We've still got to check out one or two things before we leave so this trip won't be like a complete waste," agreed Quinn vehemently as she checked her designer watch and stalked back towards Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany. "Meet us in an hour on level five, area D, section Lavender."

"You got that?" asked Daria with a glance in Jane's direction and received a nod.

"Pleasure doing business with you," commented Daria with a smirk as she and Jane walked past Quinn and the Fashion Club.

* * *

"And that's 30," stated Alex with a glance at his watch. "Looks like the Taco Shack has more traffic per hour than the Chinese place."

"And I was sure Chinese would have the bigger appeal," replied a disappointed Charles.

"I told you fast and cheap beats out exotic and plentiful in most situations," Alex remarked. "You come to the mall for shopping, not dinner. Just be glad you had the good sense to decline my bet about the nacho and pretzel stand or you'd be down more than just footing the lunch bill four our group."

"While I'm sure that Mrs. Bennett will be thrilled with the added detail we've been able to get over the past half hour …weren't the luscious Miss Lane and your lovely sister supposed to meet us quite some time ago?" the freckled boy observed.

"They probably got stuck with a talkative store manager," Alex ventured before he spotted Jane headed in their general direction.

"Speak of the devil," he commented as the girls stopped beside him.

"What's the devil doing here?" quipped Jane.

"Probably buying a snow cone," deadpanned Daria.

"What took you so long?" asked Alex before he raised a curious eyebrow at Jane and asked, "Did you get a new earring or something?"

"No, seven is my limit," she replied with a grin. "Why?"

"Something's different and I can't figure out what," he responded with a tilt of his head.

"She looks her usual radiant and ravishing self," added Upchuck.

"Other than having my ears evened up I can't think of anything," Jane commented.

"That's what it is," Alex confirmed. "You got your hair styled."

_'It's subtle but I guess if you're looking for it you can see the difference,' _thought Daria with a shrug.

"But to answer your original question we kind of ran into someone unexpected," Jane answered.

"Who," Alex asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You'll find out in a bit," replied Daria. "But for now I'm famished so let's eat."

"I'll second that motion," agreed Jane.

"Motion seconded… motion carries," said Alex as the four began moving casually towards the various restaurants.

"You know if you girls hadn't been so rapt with your primping and preening we would have more time to eat and still get in our quota of aimless loitering," teased Alex. "At this rate we'll only have half an hour before we have to be back on the bus."

"I'm torn between thanking you for noticing and being upset at you for accusing me of not only primping, but preening," responded Jane with exaggerated false outrage. "I'll just have to let you make it up to me by buying me lunch."

Alex and Charles chuckled while Daria merely smiled subtly at Jane's comments.

"Feeding yourself and Jane?" asked Daria. "Hope you managed to get an advance on your allowance before we came."

"Fortunately for my wallet, I won't need to, as a certain someone lost a wager involving my food bill for this outing," stated Alex as he cast a grin to Charles.

"So lunch is on Upchuck," stated Daria.

"It would be my honor, nay privilege to share lunch with such lovely company. The least I can do is fund the bounteous meal," stated Upchuck dramatically with a toothy grin.

"Guess he's useful for something once in a while," quipped Jane.

"His dad's gold card is anyway," commented Daria.

"Shall we?" Jane prompted haughtily as she extended an arm to Alex.

"To our repast," responded Alex in similar style as he hooked his arm with Jane's and the two made their way to the rows of eateries in the food court.

"Allow me to escort you my enticing erudite enchantress," offered Upchuck with an extended arm to Daria.

"I would love to Upchuck. But puking once a day is my limit," stated Daria flatly as she walked away from the freckled boy to join her brother and friend.

* * *

"So where are we going again?" asked Alex as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his camouflage jacket.

"It's a surprise," replied Daria as she waited for Jane to enter the elevator before she tapped the button for the 5th floor.

The three were quickly lifted to the 5th floor's Lavender section. When the doors open they stepped out and were greeted by the sight of the Fashion Club waiting for them

"Hey Pip. Ladies" greeted Alex in surprise. "I didn't know you were taking economics. Was there another bus besides ours?"

Stacy waved enthusiastically and smiled brightly. Tiffany's attention never left the mirror bedecked stand of sunglasses near the booth they stood next too. Quinn smiled gave a nervous laugh while Sandi mere scowled at the approaching trio with her arms crossed in front of her.

"Oh they're not taking economics," remarked Daria with a smirk. "They don't offer it to Freshmen."

"Then what are they…Quinn" stated Alex with an unpleased expression.

Stacy's smile vanished quickly at the unpleased tone in Alex's voice and she lowered her head to gaze attentively at her designer shoes. Quinn did similarly and clasped her hands behind her and fidgeted where she stood. Tiffany continued to examine her reflection completely obliviously.

"Whatever," stated Sandi with disdain as she turned away from Alex, Daria and Jane.

"Oh you guys wouldn't understand the responsibilities of the popular," Quinn answered dramatically.

"I swear you just want to get grounded for life. Mom is gonna have kittens when she finds out you ditched school to come here," Alex observed.

"Are we ready to leave," asked Sandi impatiently.

"Just about," answered Daria. "We need to let Mrs Bennett know that we've got our own ride back to Lawndale."

"Um.. you're not going to tell her about us being here are you?" asked Stacy worriedly.

"Don't worry your empty little head," replied Daria condescendingly. "We've got a cover story that should ensure no one finds out about your little unapproved outing."

"Yeah, we'll just tell her that my brother had a gig in the area and is giving us a ride back with the band," informed Jane.

"Fine," stated Sandi. "Grant is parked on the Chartreuse section of the parking deck on this level."

"We'll be there," acknowledged Daria as she and Jane turned to head back to the elevators.

"Let's go Pip," announced Alex which drew another worried expression from his youngest sister.

"No argument," he stated with authority. "You're gonna be in enough trouble without making sure you get back home."

"Plus that makes sure you three don't just ditch us," reasoned Daria.

The two groups parted ways with a fuming Sandi casting a scathing glare behind her at Jane and the Morgendorffer siblings.

* * *

After again reaching the ground floor, the Alex and Jane met up with the larger portion of their class and teacher. They quickly informed Mrs. Bennett about making arrangements for their own ride back to Lawndale. Alex also gave Charles a brief run down of the goings on and made plans to hang out depending on whether Daria and Jane still planned on having their usual bad movie viewing the next night, since it was a Saturday.

"Everything's kosher," stated Jane as she and Alex rejoined Daria and Quinn near the escalators furthest away from the meeting place Mrs. Bennett had set for the students to gather for their departure.

"Can we go now?" asked Quinn angrily.

"Almost," answered Daria as she began to walk away from the escalators. "There's one more stop we need to make."

A loud splash drew everyone's attention as Alex, Daria Jane and Quinn moved through the central section of the mall. They stopped and turned towards the large fountain in the center of the mall to see Kevin climb to his feet, while still in the fountain, and stare out pleadingly at an irate Brittany.

"Why is he wearing swim trunks?" asked Quinn as she noted that in place of his usual uniform pants, the drenched quarterback wore a pair of yellow and blue shorts with no pockets.

"But Babe, It was shrinkage!" he pleaded.

"Ooooo!" huffed Brittany angrily as she turned and stormed away from her waterlogged boyfriend.

"Just keep walking," advised Daria as she began walking casually away from the disturbance.

"Avoid eye contact kid," stated Jane as she and Alex followed Daria. "They're dead to us now."

The four walked past the spectacle and Daria stopped in front of the Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop. The other member of the group stopped and glanced at each other for a moment.

"What are we doing here?" asked Alex with a raised eyebrow.

"Trying to induce a cuteness based sickness so you can make the trip back without worrying?" teased Jane.

"Actually," began Daria with a brief glare at her friend. "I wanted to use this before we left."

The auburn haired girl pulled her coupon out of her coat pocket and displayed the $20 slip for the Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop.

"It should just about cover an on sale limited edition collectable," she remarked as she glanced through the glass store front at the sign near the collection of plush oddities which displayed $18.50.

Daria walked casually into the shop. Jane and Alex shrugged at each other and followed her into the store trailed by Quinn.

As soon as Quinn entered the store, a loud siren went off and bright lights began to flash. All four teens began to look around in shock and tried to figure out what was going on.

"What the hell?" asked Jane as she looked around worriedly.

"I guess with all of the sickeningly cute things already here Quinn was too much for the place and they've gone to Cutecon 1," remarked Daria.

As if in response, several people wearing shirts embroidered with the Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit logo rushed up to Quinn and shoved the strings of a massive bundle of balloons into one of her hands and began to enthusiastically shake the other.

"What are you doing to my sister," Alex asked with a confused expression.

A similarly dressed middle aged man with a pin labeled "Manager" approached and deposited an armload of miniature plush merchandise into Quinn's free arm.

"Congratulations little lady! You're our lucky ten-thousandth customer," he announced in a cheery voice. "You've won the entire new line of Noah's Arc and our original Fantasy Critters line of Wee-Bits for free!"

"The what?!" asked Quinn as she blinked in shock.

"Don't you get it?" asked the store manager. "You're our winner!"

"Winner?" asked Quinn disbelievingly.

"You know, it means the opposite of loser," quipped Jane.

"We're out of stock on the Fantasy line," informed the manager as he extended a form towards the stunned red head. "But just give us your info and we'll have it shipped to you address from the main distributor."

"Um…" expressed Quinn as she glanced at the sheet of paper and then at her occupied hands.

"You said you're her brother right?" the man asked, his attention on Alex.

The boy gave a nod and the man instructed, "You fill this out while we get a picture of our winner here."

"Um, OK," the boy replied still not recovered from the surprise of the situation.

_'I can't wait to find out how she's going to explain this to Mom and Dad when that stuff arrives,' _thought Daria as she wandered further into the store in search of an available member of the store's staff.

"Everyone say 'Wee-Bit'," the man said as he stood next to Quinn with a brightly decorated sign that read '10,000th Customer' while another staff member with a camera snapped a photograph.

_

* * *

_

Jake lounged on the living room couch with a martini in one hand and his other arm around Helen's shoulder as they watched a movie.

_'I'm so glad we managed to wrap up the Heckland case early,' _thought Helen as she shifted her legs to a more comfortable position under her on the couch. _'Means I can spend a relaxing weekend at the house for a change.'_

"I haven't watched this movie in years," stated Helen as she set the remote down by the Movie Shack case. "It's one of my favorites."

"I know honey," affirmed Jake as he sipped his drink. "I figured it'd be a great way to help you relax since you don't have to work this weekend."

_'What the hell does that mean?!' _Helen almost vocalized before she realized that her husband had said it without malice and was still completely relaxed and smiling, with his eyes on the television. It had simply been an observation, not an accusation.

'_One of these days I'm going to figure out what I did to deserve this man,' _she thought as she snuggled closer to Jake and kissed his cheek.

"You know Jake," Helen said to catch his full attention. "Quinn's got her Fashion Club meeting tonight. Daria and Alex are going to Jane's for their Bad Movie Night…"

"Bad Movie Night? Aren't they too young to be watching those kinds of movies?!" " he asked with shock in his voice.

"Not those kinds of bad movies Jake," Helen clarified. "The kind that aren't very good. Like Xanadu and those old Ed Wood films…"

"Xanadu?! Ewwwww," expressed Jake with a disgusted expression.

"Anyway," continued Helen in attempt to get things back on topic. "Alex and Daria will be out with Jane, and Quinn is going to Stacy's for a Fashion Club meeting…"

"Oh yeah!" said Jake, having obviously forgotten.

"And I'm off this weekend so it's just going to be the two of us tonight…" Helen continued breathily. "Alone."

"Oh yeah," the man rumbled quietly as he set his drink down and looked into his wife's face with a lecherous grin.

At that moment, the couple's attention was drawn by the ring of the doorbell.

"Dammit!" swore Jake at the interruption.

"I'll get it Jake," Helen stated with a sigh as she thumbed the pause button on the VCR's remote, stood and walked to the door.

She opened it to see Jane's smiling face standing on the porch.

"Oh hello Jane," the woman said with a genuine smile of her own. "What brings you over?"

"Hey Jane-O!" greeted Jake enthusiastically from the couch as he recovered his glass and refilled it from the pitcher resting on the coffee table.

"Hey Mr. and Mrs. M," replied Jane. "Just here to pick up the kids."

The sounds of heavy footfalls came from the steps. Helen turned to see her eldest children coming down the steps.

"Hola amigos," greeted Jane. "We ready to go?"

"Ready…" stated Daria.

"…and raring," finished Alex.

"You kids have fun," announced Jake as he picked up the remote and turned his attention back to the television.

"That's the general idea," remarked Alex as the three walked out of the door.

As they headed towards the side walk the noticed a young man in a brown short sleeved shirt and shorts uniform heading towards the house with two large boxes on a wheeled cart. The three stepped aside and nodded to the man as he wheeled his delivery past them.

"I hope Dad didn't order any more of those 'exotic spices' online again," commented Daria.

"Seriously," agreed Alex as the three began their walk toward Howard Drive. "It took two days to air out the kitchen the last time he tried to cook with them."

Helen watched her children and their friend continue on their way and waited for the delivery man to finish his own trip down their walkway.

"Golt a delivery for 111 Glenn Avenue. Mogen..Morgan…" stated the young man as he struggled with the name.

"Morgendorffer," replied Helen with a sigh as Jake joined her at the door. "What is this?"

"Don't ask me lady. I just deliver it," he answered as he held out a clipboard with a chain attached pen. "Sign here."

Helen quickly put her name to the delivery sheet as the delivery passed the two boxes off to Jake, who set them inside beside the door. He then handed a large envelope to Helen and headed back to his truck after a tip of his brown cap to the couple.

"Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop," said Jake as he read the large print on the envelop over his wife's shoulder. "What the hell is a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit?"

"No clue," replied Helen as she opened the envelope and withdrew a letter and a large 8x10 photograph.

She read a small portion of the letter then looked at the picture with a distinctly displeased expression.

"Quinn Anne Morgedorffer, get down here this moment!" shouted Helen.

A worried Quinn exited her room with without a glance toward the open door of Daria's own padded room. If she had, or even bothered to care about the contents of her sister's room, she might have noticed the plush Alien face-hugger draped menacingly over the top edge of Daria's computer monitor.

_

* * *

_

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Some dialog and basic story concept from: _Malled_ by Neena Beber

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria

For those curious, the movie the trio was watching for Bad Movie Night was _Alien from L.A._

A big thanks to all of the fellow inmates at PPMB for serving as my unwitting beta readers :)


	7. Role Models

Disclaimer:

This fan fiction and associated stories were written for entertainment purposes only.

No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.

Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV with all appropriate rights reserved.

Original characters and plot/dialogue are mine :)

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Role Models**

"I've said it before, I'll say it again," said Jane from her place laid across the foot end of Daria's bed. "You have... the _coolest_ room."

"It has its pros and cons," acknowledged the room's owner, from her place seated at the head of the bed. "You can't hurt yourself in here, but you can't hurt anybody else in here, either."

"I kinda wish there'd been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house," Jane said as she pushed and prodded the gray padding.

"As opposed to the lunatic who currently lives there," joked Alex from his spot on the floor beside the bed.

"Well, before we moved in," Jane amended. "Of course, we've got Trent there now. That's almost the same thing."

"Yes, that's exactly the lunatic I was referring to," teased Alex sarcastically.

He was rewarded with a pillow to the face.

"I was so glad when Mom stopped threatening to redecorate," said Daria as she recovered the pillow Jane had launched at her brother.

"Yeah that whole stumbling every time the topic came up was getting predictable," added Alex. "Well, it would have if you weren't so naturally uncoordinated."

The pillow again hit him in the face as a response.

"Oh, it's on!" he yelled as he pounced onto the bed.

"Eeeep!" exclaimed Daria as she attempted to fend off the sudden pillow-based attack.

"Hey I thought… oof… big brothers were… ack… supposed to protect… their sweet… ugh… innocent… oof… little sisters," said Daria, interrupted by pillows to the face.

"That might be true," mused Alex as he halted his attack and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"But since I don't have a sister like that…" he announced as he resumed pummeling his twin with the pillow.

"Jane… help…" pleaded Daria.

"Don't ask me," replied Jane laughingly. "I'd have to either wake one up or suffer through a sob story from another to get rescued by my big brother."

"Et tu, Jane?" said Daria as she managed to work her grip around one of her other pillows and began blocking some of her brother's attacks.

"I make it a point to avoid inter-sibling disputes as much as possible," Jane stated between laughs.

"Well, in that case…" said Daria before she and Alex turned and began to smack Jane with their pillows.

The room was filled with the sounds of laughter and faux cries for help as the three alternated stealing one of the two pillows and used them to beat their opponents into submission.

"What are you guys doing?" came a voice from the doorway which caused Daria and Jane to turn from their positions sitting on Alex's back and stopped beating him about the head and shoulders with their pillows.

Quinn stood in the doorway with a wary expression before she glanced around her sister's room and asked, "Your room still looks like this?"

"What do you want Quinn?" asked Daria. "You are interrupting a well deserved butt-kicking and I'd like to finish up before dinner."

"Phone for Alex," announced an irritated Quinn as she held the phone by the antenna as if it were something vile she was forced to touch. "It's Upchuck."

"Thank God!" exclaimed Alex as he pushed himself up, with ease, from beneath the girls kneeling on him.

This elicited a double "Eep!" from Jane and Daria, as they were unceremoniously deposited on the bed.

"Be right back," he announced as he crossed the room and accepted the phone from Quinn.

He ducked a thrown pillow and exited Daria's room to continue his phone conversation in his own.

"That boy must be eating his Wheaties," noted Jane as she righted herself from an upside-down position, realizing how easily Alex had extricated himself.

"Yes he does," agreed Daria as she returned to an upright position of her own. "But it took us a while to get him not to eat the box it came in."

"Fiber is fiber I guess," joked Jane as she stretched out at the foot of the bed again.

"Please tell me you haven't tried to eat a cereal box before," said Daria.

"I haven't… but Trent might be able to give you some suggestions for the best and worst ones though," replied Jane as she noticed her friend's wary expression. "There was a bet with Max involved, and that's all I cared to know."

"You guys are like, _too_ weird," stated Quinn, still standing near the doorway.

"Why are you still here?" asked Daria with a small frown.

"I was gonna wait for Lex to finish with the phone, but I can almost feel the geekitude trying to like, seep into my pores," Quinn said with a shudder as she turned and began to walk away from her sister's room.

"That's probably just the radon," quipped Daria.

When Daria removed the pillow that had suddenly smacked her in the face, she noticed the smirk on Quinn's face as the younger girl left the padded room's doorway.

* * *

"I can't believe a real modeling agency is coming here," commented Stacy with barely contained enthusiasm as she and the other members of the Fashion Club casually strolled through the halls of LHS.

"I can't believe it was Brittany who had the idea to write in and invite them," said Quinn.

"It should... have been... us," droned Tiffany slowly.

"On that, I think we can all agree," said Sandi. "It should have been us."

"Even though we weren't the ones who invited them, we're sure to get the modeling contracts," Quinn said, as she and the other Fashion Club members entered the girls' bathroom.

"That is guaranteed," agreed Sandi. "Although it may be difficult for some people who can't get their snacking addictions under control."

"But Sandi, they we my grandmother's barley and oatmeal date cookies, and I couldn't tell her no because that would be rude, and they are simply heavenly, and I found out they are actually high fiber and don't have as many calories as regular cookies…" Stacy rambled before Sandi's glare cut her off.

She let out an "Eep!" and fidgeted as she dropped her gaze to her designer shoes.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," continued Sandi, "As Fashion Club President, I move to reevaluate the dietary guidelines of our members, in light of this opportunity. We need to ensure that we look our best for the modeling agency."

"I totally agree Sandi," chimed Quinn. "I mean, we like, can't afford any unexpected weight gain now. I second the motion, and vote for an emergency meeting tonight to examine meal planning."

The four girls all agreed and turned their attention to the wall-length mirror. They chit-chatted idly for several minutes about current gossip as they touched up their makeup, and then exited the bathroom.

After the Fashion club had departed, Jodie cracked the door of the stall she occupied and scanned the room to ensure they had left. She frowned thoughtfully for a moment before she quickly washed her hands and exited as well.

* * *

"She tossed a few matches in, and FWOOSH! A veritable column of flame erupted from the grill. Then, she simply stood there, arms crossed, and watched as the apparently offending bedding was reduced to ash," explained Charles dramatically to the group of gathered young men at his table in the lunch room.

"She seriously set her sheets on fire?" asked Stanley Mooreston.

"Oh, it happened exactly the way Charles told it," confirmed Alex as he finished off his Salsbury Steak. "More or less... And I can't say I blame her."

"Seems a bit extreme to me," commented one boy, which garnered nods of agreement from some of the others.

"This is Kevin and Brittany we're talking about," said Alex. "I don't think there's enough detergent in the world to make me comfortable sleeping on those sheets again."

"Oh I heartily agree Lexmeister," said Charles. "Although, it was a shame we missed Kevin and Brittany's escape from Schloss Morgendorffer the preceding evening. I believe, few would pass up the opportunity to observe our buxom head cheerleader's departure _au naturelle_."

"From what Jane told me, she had to practically force Trent's eyes back into his head," informed Alex, which prompted many of the other boys to laugh heartily and/or nod in agreement.

From the other end of the lunchroom, Daria and Jane, like others present, glanced over towards Alex and Upchuck as they held court.

"Something tells me, we don't even want to know," stated Jane with a chuckle.

They smirked at each other before they turned back to their own lunches and idle chit-chat.

"Hey Jane. Hey Daria," greeted Jodie as she approached the two. "Mind if I join you?"

"Take a load off, kid," offered Jane as she scooted over to give Jodie room to set her tray down.

"Where's your lunch?" asked Daria as she took note that the only things on Jodie's lunch tray were an apple, a packet of snack crackers and a juice box.

"I, um… ate during student council," answered Jodie.

"And I'm the Queen of Sheba. You fed your lunch to a stray dog didn't you?," said Jane teasingly. "She's gonna have that modeling contract sewn up before we even get a chance."

"You really ought to stick to mineral water and parsley," snarked Daria.

"You know, you don't always have to be against everything," remarked Jodie. "If a girl wants to take a modeling class, you can't tell her no."

"Nor would I, but you also can't tell me not to disapprove of the unrealistic and unhealthy mindset the modeling industry pushes on women," replied Daria. "And you definitely can't tell me I have to be OK with said fashion mob pushing the classes on school grounds, either."

"Yeah, it's not fair to the drug dealers," added Jane. "They have to wait behind the parking lot until after school hours."

"It's completely voluntary," noted Jodie. "What's the problem?"

"It's the principle of the thing. And I don't mean Li," said Daria with her last comment directed at Jane, who appeared to have a quip on the tip of her tongue.

"I can see some of your points," conceded Jodie. "But you have to admit that modeling can lead to other opportunities."

"Opportunities involving a pimp and stiletto heels," added Daria sourly as she poked disinterestedly at her remaining food.

"Or magazine, TV and movie appearances… books and interviews… worldwide recognition," rebutted Jodie. "Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum, Naomi Campbell… the list goes on."

"But for every successful supermodel, how many unknowns are there who never make it?" Jane interjected. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being able to make oodles of money by lounging around on beaches and looking good, but how many actually make it?"

"Let me pose a question to both of you," offered Jodie as Daria returned her focus back to the dark skinned girl. "Would you be complaining about a publishing house coming here to give classes on how to get a novel/manuscript published?"

Before Daria could answer, Jodie shifted to Jane and quickly added, "Or how about if a big name New York art dealership sent people down to teach techniques for getting your work into a gallery?"

"My point is," continued Jodie as she jammed the straw into her box of apple juice. "Just because you are against the modeling industry in general, is not a legitimate reason to prevent them from offering classes for students who _**are **_interested. And the super-success to failure rate is pretty much the same for all popular media, not just modeling."

"But why stop at modeling? Maybe there's a strip club downtown that would like to come here and recruit lap dancers," stated Daria stubbornly.

"I wouldn't mention that idea to Brittany," joked Jodie. "Or Kevin… or most of the football team for that matter."

"Definitely don't suggest it around Upchuck," added Jane which elicited a chuckle from Jodie and a subdued smile from Daria.

"On that, I think we can all agree," affirmed Daria as she returned to eating her lunch.

* * *

"Scuseme!" blurted a squeaky voice as someone, wrapped in an over-sized trench coat with a wide-brimmed fedora, rushed between Daria and Jane as they exited the girls' bathroom.

"Was that Brittany?" asked Daria as she.

"Either her, or a spy smuggling helium and bowling balls," remarked Jane.

"My curiosity wants me to go back in and find out what her rush was, and the purpose for the cloak and dagger getup," commented Daria with a thoughtful pause. "But my sense of self-preservation and keen memory of past events tells me that we'll find out what it is anyway, so might as well reduce the amount of collateral damage I receive."

"Was that Brittany?" asked Alex as he joined his sister and Jane in the hallway.

"I could tell you, but then I'd be forced to kill you," replied Daria.

"But then who would do all of your heavy lifting after you take over the world?" asked Alex as the three began walking towards their next class.

"And I'm definitely not getting things from tall shelves for you for the rest of your life," teased Jane.

"Have I mentioned lately, how much I hate the two of you?" deadpanned Daria.

The three were interrupted again as Brittany, still wearing the hat, shades and trench coat, darted past them and around the corner. The twins and Jane glanced at each other before they moved to the corner and leaned around to observe the buxom cheerleader's behavior. The blond stopped at the entrance to Mrs. Bennett's classroom, then slid her dark shades down and glanced around nervously before slinking into the classroom.

"OK, that wasn't strange or anything," stated Jane.

"Seriously, what's with the Witness Protection Program act," commented Alex.

"With Brittany, it's more like Witless Protection Program," mocked Daria. "But since that's our next class, something tells me we're going to find out."

* * *

Mrs. Bennett stood at the front of her classroom as she began to draw yet another of her intricate and confusing diagrams on the chalkboard. After a few minutes she turned to face the students.

"Class, I'm sure many of you have heard that we will be having guests at Lawndale this week," she began. "Ms. Li tells me that representatives from the Amazon Modeling Agency will be observing several classes in the hopes of finding young local talent."

Satisfied that she had the attention of her class, the teacher returned her attention to the chalkboard.

"Now this segues wonderfully into our recent discussion on marketing strategies," she continued. "The fashion industry may be considered a perfect implementer of marketplace psychology. The business insures its own survival by training its consumer base to focus on arbitrary styling distinctions, rather than product quality and durability."

"Oh no! She's discovered our secret," came a sarcastic lisping male voice accompanied by a feminine giggle from the side of the room.

The class and their teacher turned to see the source of the comment and observed two unfamiliar adults standing in the doorway. The man was a pale blond, tall with an athletic build. He was dressed in a short-sleeved black muscle shirt and a pair of extremely tight-fitting pale yellow pants. The woman beside him had an extremely thin figure and wore a black halter-top dress garishly accentuated by a lavender long sleeved jacket and salmon silk scarf draped across her neck and shoulders.

"Ah, you must be the representatives from the Amazon Modeling Agency," stated Mrs. Bennett.

"If we must then we must," stated the woman with a heavy Eastern European accent.

"Well, I would hope so," added the man. "We're a little long in the tooth to be attending high school."

"Speak for yourself, grandpapa," teased the woman as she playfully slapped the man's shoulder as the two shared a laugh.

"We were just discussing the fashion industry's… particular application of marketplace psychology," Mrs. Bennett stated with a brief laugh. "I was just telling the class about how the industry uses it to perpetuate itself in the marketplace and…"

"You know, if the hem of that skirt were an inch higher, you'd have a look as up to date as tomorrow," interrupted the man as he slid his designer shades up to his hairline.

"Do you think so?" Mrs. Bennett asked as she glanced down at her blue dress with hem falling about mid-calf.

"Show off those gams, girlfriend!" Cloud confirmed enthusiastically.

"Herbert always said my legs were what caught his eye…" the teacher commented nostalgically.

"If she starts reminiscing about her honeymoon, I'm out of here," deadpanned Daria, which elicited a nod of agreement from her brother.

Jane smirked at the comment but continued to focus her attention on the notepad on her desk as she cast occasional glances up at the two visitors.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we got your names," commented the teacher.

"I'm Cloud Gaudet," he informed as he struck a classic male model pose; straightened back, with a fist on his hip and the opposing leg extended forward.

"And I am Rrrrrromonica DeGrrrregory," announced the woman exaggeratedly in her thick accent.

"This is the most exciting day of my life!" squeaked Brittany, which drew the attention of the modeling agents. "Being a model is all I've ever wanted to be."

"Really babe?" asked Kevin. "I thought you said you always wanted to be a famous movie star?"

"I'm going to be both Kevie. Like Lauren Bacall," returned Brittany with a big smile and a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Well then, let's have a look," Romonica said thickly as she walked around the teacher's desk to stand before the cheerleader.

Everyone in the class watched as the woman reached out and held the girl's chin in her hand and turned the perky blonde's face from side to side.

"Yes... lovely. What is your name dahling?" the Romonica inquired.

"Brittany…" the girl informed before an anxious expression shifted across her face and she began twirling her finger in her hair. "Is that okay? Because I was thinking of changing it to 'Blue'."

"Can you take off your coat and walk for us?" asked Cloud as he stepped up beside his associate.

"Just slip out of that jacket and do a little runaway, sweetie," Romonica requested.

Brittany removed her trench coat to reveal a pink strapless evening gown. She stood with her arms straight down at her sides, hands parallel to the floor, and began to walk slowly down the middle aisle of desks with her back to the front of the class. Cloud half turned and motioned with both hands in a cupped manner to indicate Brittany's large breasts. Romonica snickered quietly as she shook her head at Cloud's behavior.

"That was just wonderful!" cheered Romonica with a polite clapping as Brittany reached the front of the aisle again. "Don't you think so, Cloud?"

"Yes, absolutely fabulous," he agreed. "We'll see you in class… Blue."

Brittany squeaked happily and practically glowed at the praise.

"If I change my name to 'Purple' will it get me away from these two?" deadpanned Daria quietly to her brother.

"Only if I can be 'Green'," returned Alex.

"Dibs on 'Crimson'," added Jane without looking up from her sketchpad.

"What are you three whispering about over here?" asked Romonica as she approached the trio, who turned to regard the woman standing directly before them.

"You have a very interesting look," stated Romonica as she gazed intently at Jane's face and gave her an up and down look. "So tall… so lean… such intensity... yes there is potential here. What do you think Cloud?"

"Yes, very interesting," he agreed. "Love the eyes. Would you mind pulling your hair back for us?"

Jane responded by flipping her notepad around to display a rough pencil sketch of two vultures perched on a cactus under the desert sun. The two scavenger birds bore Cloud and Romonica's faces, and were looking down at a dead female figure with Brittany's hairstyle lying on the ground with X's for eyes.

"Ahh, you're more interested in the design end of things I see," Romonica said disdainfully.

"That's an excellent likeness of you, darling," teased Cloud with a chuckle.

"Oh, look at you," the man stated as he took note of Daria. "So waif-like... so pouty."

"Could you take off those glasses dearie? Let us get a good look at you," requested Romonica haughtily.

"Only if he can change into a pair of men's pants," quipped the bespectacled girl.

"Excuse me?" responded Cloud with a raised eyebrow.

"I can't take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists," Daria delivered flatly with a slight scowl to the two modeling agents.

"Well I never!" said Romonica angrily.

"From someone who, I would hazard a guess is former model past her expiration date, I find _that_ hard to believe," stated the girl as she noted the time on the wall clock above the board and slid her books into her backpack.

The woman's well practiced smile fell away as the girl's words registered. Any further comment was interrupted by the bell. Daria quickly stood, shouldered her pack and walked past the two agents without a second look. Cloud and Romonica watched her leave with angry glares while the snickers and laughter of the other students as they passed the agents continued.

* * *

"So Brittany knew they would be here today and came prepared," observed Daria as she, her brother, Jane and Charles walked towards the bank of lockers in the hallway.

"I was certain she'd be wearing a swimsuit under the coat," commented Jane quietly. "You know, one of those skimpy 2-pieces that's just a couple of triangles for a top and a string for a bottom."

"I've already seen more of Brittany than I ever wanted to," commented Daria dourly. "I really don't want to see her barely wearing a set of glorified pasties and dental floss."

"The ravishing Ms. Taylor in a barely there ensemble… Now _that_ would get the blood pumping," stated Upchuck with his usual exuberance. "A sight I would most definitely appreciate."

"Well I don't want to see that," returned Daria.

"I wouldn't mind it one bit," commented Alex offhandedly, which a raised eyebrow from his sister and chuckle from Jane and Charles. "What?"

"I'd expect that from him," said Daria with a slight head nod towards Upchuck. "But it kind of surprises me to hear you say something like that."

"Helloooo… 16-year-old guy here," he replied.

Daria rolled her eyes and looked at Jane.

"Hey, I grew up with two older brothers and a string of my sisters' boyfriends," said Jane. "Trust me, it's pretty normal."

"Did you just use 'Wife of the Week' Wind, 'Zen Sleep Master' Trent and the guys who go for your sisters… who I might add you've said are quote 'out there, even for Lanes' unquote, as examples of normal male behavior?" asked Daria.

"Good point," admitted Jane who then turned to Alex. "Sorry kid, I tried. You're on your own."

"Hey guys," greeted Jodie as she and Mack approached Jane and the twins.

"Hey Mack… Madam President," returned Alex as he finished trading out books and closed his locker.

"Can you guys believe Brittany wore that evening gown to school?" Jodie asked with a small chuckle.

"It was surprising," agreed Mack.

"I mostly surprised to find out that she has something that isn't a cheerleader uniform," stated Alex.

"You're just disappointed she wasn't wearing the string bikini," teased Jane with a light punch to the boy's arm.

"This is going to go on all week isn't it?" asked Alex rhetorically with a sigh.

"Naa, two… three days tops," added Jane.

"Do what now?" asked Mack with a slightly confused expression.

"Do we even want to know?" asked Jodie hesitantly.

"Jane was sure that Brittany had one of those almost non-existent string top and butt-floss bikinis on under the coat," informed Daria. "And my sex-crazed sibling here was expressing his disappointment at not getting to see her wearing something like that."

"Though with an outfit like that, 'wearing' is really just a technicality since they don't have enough material to properly qualify as clothing," added Jane.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," said Upchuck with a toothy grin.

"Your partner in crime here is starting to corrupt you," advised Jodie to Alex with a laugh.

"Ah Ms. Landon," began Charles. "While my own appreciation for the female form is well documented…"

"On numerous restraining orders no doubt," quipped Daria, which drew a chuckle from Alex, Jane, Jodie and Mack.

"…I cannot take the blame for my compatriot's desire to see Lawndale's buxom blonde bombshell in such risqué swimwear," he continued. "As Ms. Lane so aptly noted, prior to your arrival, I propose that any man with a working pair of eyes would be appreciative of such a scintillating display of flesh from such a fine specimen of femininity as our dear Ms Taylor. And on that note I have to get my books for class. Mack… Jodie… Mr. Morgendorffer."

"Mr. Ruttheimer," returned Alex.

"See _you_ ladies later," stated Upchuck confidently, his fingers mimicking pistols firing at Daria and Jane.

"Not if we can help it," replied Jane.

"Oh… so feisty," the redhead returned as he headed to the bank of lockers at the other end of the hall and disappeared around the corner.

"I swear that boy is just not right in the head," said Jodie as they all watched Upchuck leave.

"His point is still valid," defended Alex. "While a balloon has more substance in it than her head most of the time, you can't possibly fault me for being agreeable to the idea of seeing a girl with Brittany's… physique… in a bikini."

"And all you have to do is join the football team and suffer severe head trauma. Then you might actually have a chance at her," stated Daria.

"I wouldn't want to date her," said Alex. "But I'm also not dead or blind either. Come on Mack, back me up here."

The football captain chuckled at Alex's predicament for a moment before he became aware of the fact that all of the girls, especially Jodie, were focusing on him and awaiting his response.

"Yes, Mack, what are your thoughts on the matter," asked Jane with a wide grin.

"I don't even have an opinion," he returned quickly.

"Anyone else suddenly smell manure?" asked Jane teasingly as she sniffed the air.

"Yes Mr. MacKenzie, just what _do_ you think about Brittany in a string bikini?" asked Jodie with her arms crossed in front of her.

"Umm… counsel has advised me not to answer that question on the grounds that it may lead to a serious butt-kicking," he returned flatly.

"That wasn't evasive or anything," said Daria with a slight smirk.

"Mom would have been proud of that one," agreed Alex.

"And since we're not in court, I can still hold refusal to answer against you," stated Jodie with a wicked smirk.

"I'll say that I'd rather see my smart, beautiful and wonderful girlfriend, whom I love very much and am completely devoted to, in something like that and leave it there," replied Mack smoothly as he wrapped an arm around Jodie's waist.

"Good answer," remarked Jodie with a quick peck on her boyfriend's cheek.

"See you guys in class," said Mack as he and Jodie headed down the hall.

"Come on amigos, we're going to be late for Science," said Jane.

"That should settle our little horn-dog right down," teased Daria as she stood on her tip-toes and ruffled her brother's hair.

"Oh yeah, nothing like an hour of Barch's tender caring attitude to kill even the strongest male libido," added Jane.

* * *

"Fabulous choice Romonica," complemented Cloud from his seat in one of the small corner booths at Café Lawndale.

He finished reading his business partner's list of candidates for the modeling class/contract tryout and set his latte on the table. He took a moment to glance at the people walking past the window on that sunny afternoon before his attention returned to his partner.

"I can see we are on the same page dahling," replied Romonica as she noted Cloud's list almost perfectly mirrored her own.

"I don't remember this one though," the woman said as she got to the end of Cloud's list. "Dah-ree-ah Morgendorfer? Which one was she?"

"The sassy one with the glasses," answered Cloud with a smirk.

"Ugh, smug little…" began Romonica angrily. "Why would you even consider _that_ one. Did you see what she was wearing?"

"Oh I saw her clothes. But the question is did you notice the way that dime-store skirt was hugging her hips when she was leaving the class?" returned Cloud. "If the bit of calf I saw above those horrendous boots is any indication of the rest… Let's just say I know cover models who'd kill for legs like that."

"Wait a minute, there was someone in the freshman class," said Romonica as she skimmed through their lists again. "Ahh... Quinn Morgendorffer... Freshman class... Zat can't be a coincidence."

"I'll bet they are sisters… or cousins… or some other close relation," commented Cloud. "Either way, I think our little poorly wrapped package might just be hiding buried treasure. We get a little competition going with this batch of prospects."

"Heaven knows that it needs it," added Romonica. "This sleepy little town is soooooo boring."

"Everything can't be Milan and New York honey," responded Cloud. "Either she fails miserably and gets a little of that sass she showed us shoved in her own face, or we get some good competition. At the very least we just might get a good cat-fight to shake up this 'booooooring' assignment."

"Win-Win for us," purred Romonica. "Cloud, you're a genius."

"Well duh," he said before he resumed sipping his latte.

* * *

"Why would the school need bulletproof skylights?" asked Jake.

"Because the pigeons have upgraded to the heavy-duty munitions," returned Alex.

"Pigeons? Damned lousy rats with wings! Every time you wash your car…" Jake began to mutter angrily.

"Calm down Jake," soothed Helen. "They were just kidding. Weren't you, kids?"

"Yeah, the bulletproof skylight isn't for pigeons," stated Alex.

"Yeah, the pigeons would never make it past the rooftop laser grid in the first place," stated Daria.

"Probably get fried before they got within 10 feet of the skylight," continued Alex. "Of course, knowing Li, that would explain why we have 'chicken' so frequently on the lunch menu."

"Huh, what do you mean? What do pigeons have to do with…" began Jake, unable to make the immediate connection.

"Think about it for a second, Dad," instructed Alex with a smile.

"Ewwww!" exclaimed Jake with a shudder as he buried his nose in the newspaper again.

"Stomach turning, isn't it?" said Daria as her own subdued smile turned to a frown. "Which is a pretty appropriate description of this whole situation with the modeling agency."

"That would help ease the transition to bulimia though," commented Alex.

"Well, I guess it would technically qualify as a bonus for this situation," agreed Daria. "But it's still reprehensible."

"You really feel strongly about this, don't you?" asked Helen seriously.

"Gee, what was your first hint?" asked Daria sarcastically.

"Well... you're talking to us," Helen observed with a smile.

"Um…yeah, well... yeah," stuttered Daria, caught off guard by her mother's observation.

"I guess I do feel strongly about it," she affirmed as her expression returned to its typical neutral.

"That's good, Daria, and for the record, I agree with you," stated Helen as she elbowed Jake.

"Ow! Oh right, me too!" Jake stated enthusiastically before he returned his attention to the newspaper.

"So you, Mom and Dad are in agreement? The End Times are Nigh!" teased Alex dramatically.

"Indeed. And to ensure the continuation of our civilization, I must now reconsider my position," deadpanned Daria.

"Just to maintain behavioral consistency," added Alex.

"Well consistency is important," commented Jake from behind his paper, which drew a smile from the twins.

"From what you've described, these people sounds like opportunists feeding off the vanity of naive young people," continued Helen, purposefully letting her children's sarcasm slide. "I pity the kids who get sucked in by them, and I pity their poor parents."

"Mom! Dad!" announced Quinn as she practically ran into the kitchen. "Guess what? I've been accepted into a really exclusive modeling class!"

"What?" asked Quinn when she noticed the odd looks her parents and dual smirks her siblings directed at her.

"Sit down, honey," instructed Helen with a sigh.

"It's nice that you were offered this opportunity..." Helen began as Quinn slid into her usual seat at the kitchen table.

"I know!" interrupted Quinn. "They are only allowing eight students to participate, and the whole fashion club was selected and..."

"That's nice dear," stated Helen a bit forcefully to reclaim control of the conversation. "But as I was saying, while I think it's nice that you've been offered this opportunity, I don't think it's the kind of activity that would be beneficial for you."

"What?" yelled Quinn. "Mom, have you been, like paying attention to _anything _me and the other Fashion Club members actually _do?"_

"She does have a point there," commented Alex which drew a glare from his mother. "What?"

"It's just that I don't think you're the modeling type, honey, that's all," advised Helen as she turned her attention back to her youngest daughter.

"What do you mean I'm not the modeling type?" asked Quinn with a confused expression. "Are you talking about my hips?"

"This has nothing to do with your hips," Helen said. "It's just..."

"It's my butt isn't it?" interrupted Quinn.

"There's nothing wrong with your rear, Quinn," Helen stated.

"Aside from being on the top of your neck that is," quipped Daria as she speared another forkful of food.

Alex chuckled and took a drink from his cup.

"It can't be my boobs," asserted Quinn in an almost offhand manner. "Cloud said my boobs were perfect."

Alex did an impressive spit-take as he accidentally inhaled a good portion of his mouthful of soda and began to cough profusely.

"WHAT?" bellowed Jake as he stood suddenly, which knocked his chair over. "Who's Cloud? I'll kill him! It is a him, right?"

"Nice spray pattern Lex," congratulated Daria as she patted her coughing brother on the back. "Though your distance could use some work. You missed Quinn."

"Oh for crying out... You're not killing anyone, Jake," Helen asserted as she rubbed her eyes in frustration.

"Oh.. uhh," stuttered Jake as he visibly calmed and righted his toppled chair. "Can I go upstairs then? This conversation is making me _really_ uncomfortable."

"Just make sure your son is alright then sit down," Helen ordered as she returned her attention to her youngest child. "Quinn, this isn't about your body. I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity..."

"So is dating, if you do it right." mumbled the redhead as she crossed her arms angrily and slumped in her chair.

"...in which your value as a human being is decided entirely on how you look," Helen continued as Jake moved around her to check on Alex's subsiding coughing fit.

"Uh huh... so like, when do we get to the part where you tell me why I'm not the modeling type?" asked Quinn honestly.

The telephone's ring was quite loud in the silence that followed Quinn's question. Jake and the twins glanced back and forth between Helen and Quinn wondering which will budge first.

_'Wow they both _are _upset,' _thought Daria as she stood from her seat and answered the telephone.

"Hello… Morgendorffer residence... Hold on, please," answered Daria as she walked up to her mother and placed the phone in Helen's hand.

"Hello… Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer," stated Helen after a deep breath and a moment to calm her nerves. "Please, call me Helen. What can I do for you, Monica?"

"Who is it?" asked Alex quietly when he realized his mother wasn't using the false cheery voice she reserved for her boss, Eric.

"Rrrrrromonica from the modeling agency," responded Daria with the accented emphasis.

Quinn's eyes lit up at that and her entire focus rested on her mother's half of the phone conversation.

"A complimentary class... Mmm-hmm... We think they're pretty special, too," Helen stated. "I'll discuss this with my children, Monica, and we'll..."

He and Daria glanced at each other and realized that the other had picked up on the particular terms used.

"I'm sorry... Romonica," Helen apologized with a tiny note of frustration coming through in her voice. "As I was saying, **Ro**monica, I'll discuss it with my children and husband and let you know."

"What a strange woman," she observed as she returned the phone to its cradle and reclaimed her seat at the kitchen table.

"So what was that all about?" asked Daria.

"That Romonica woman wanted parental consent to allow you girls to participate in the modeling class," answered Helen. "I told her we'd discuss it and make a decision."

"You gotta let me do this! You always say I can be anything..." whined Quinn before her sister interrupted.

"Hold on a minute… 'girls'? Plural?" asked Daria.

"Yes," confirmed Helen. "She wants both of you to participate in the class."

"Well I want world peace and 24/7 access to the Library of Congress, but I don't see that happening either," responded Daria.

"Why would they want Daria in the class?" asked Quinn with a disgusted expression. "She's like, a walking fashion don't."

"I wear what I wear because I'd rather be comfortable than worry about what some vapid fashion-head thinks is or isn't in season," replied Daria tersely.

"There's nothing wrong with being comfortable, dear. But being comfortable and dressing nicely aren't mutually exclusive either," advised Helen.

"Give it up Mom. She's a lost fashion cause," stated Quinn with a dismissive flip of her hand.

"You are both beautiful young women. Daria just has …" responded Helen as she searched for an encouraging way to describe her eldest daughter's manner of dress for a few long seconds. "Her own style."

"Total lack of style is more like it," said Quinn.

"Quinn stop insulting your sister!" scolded Helen sternly.

"Thanks Mom," said Daria in pleasant surprise.

"Although, it wouldn't hurt if you would wear a more… conventional apparel occasionally," added Helen.

"And… there goes the moment," said Daria with a sigh.

"You can participate in the open class, under one condition," stated Helen. "You both have to participate."

"But Mo-om! That's not fair!" whined Quinn.

"Sure, why not," interrupted Daria.

Both Helen and Quinn blinked for a moment at Daria.

"Yes!" exclaimed Quinn as she stood and headed towards the door.

"I'm only agreeing to the open class. No more than that," amended Helen.

"Thanks Mom," piped Quinn happily as she practically bounced out of the kitchen.

"Now, I assume you'll want something for agreeing to participate," stated Helen knowingly.

"Can't I do something for the kid out of the kindness of my heart?" asked Daria flatly.

Helen responded only with a raised eyebrow

"Fine," said Daria with a sigh. "No more attempts to drag me clothes shopping or get a makeover for the rest of the school year."

"Barring special occasions, I can agree to that," agreed Helen.

"The same goes for Lex," Daria added.

"You're pushing it young lady, but… Done," the woman conceded.

"Pleasure doing business with you," answered the girl as she stood and carried her now empty plate to the sink.

"I figured it would take more incentive to get you to participate," stated Helen honestly. "You're getting softer."

"On the contrary, I was thinking about going anyway," replied Daria as she rinsed her plate off and placed it into the dishwasher.

"Really?" asked a surprised Helen.

"Oh definitely," Daria remarked with her subdued smile as she calmly made her way to the kitchen doorway. "With the potential for the total humiliation of Quinn this high... I'd never forgive myself if I missed the opportunity to witness and/or aid the process along first hand."

"Tell me I should just be glad she's going," pleaded Helen as she covered her face with her hands.

When she received no immediate response she looked up and noticed that at some point in the conversation and subsequent negotiations, both her son and husband had made a surreptitious departure.

"Jake?" she asked the empty room.

* * *

"So, are you ready to do your little turn on the catwalk, amiga?" asked Jane as she and the twins walked towards Lawndale High the next morning.

"Ugh, don't remind me," returned Daria unhappily.

"Aw don't be like that. Trent thought it would be good for you," added Jane, who took great satisfaction in the blush that crept across her friend's cheeks.

"So you actually agreed to participate in the class?" asked Alex in disbelief before he turned to Jane with a questioning expression. "Wait, how did you find out?"

"See there's this lovely device that lets you talk to people over distances both great and small. It's called the telephone, you might have heard of it," teased Jane.

"If you and Dad hadn't made with the ninja vanish, you'd know my reasons," commented Daria with a light punch to her brother's arm.

"It was either that, or suffer through watching Dad squirm more than he already was given the direction the conversation had taken. Besides, a family discussion about whether my baby sister's boobs and butt are good enough for modeling… yeah, that's not going to leave any psychological scarring," returned Alex.

"Wuss. Bet you wouldn't have run screaming for the hills if we'd been discussing 'Blue'," commented Daria, which drew a chuckle from Jane.

"Make one honest comment," stated Alex with a sigh. "Tell you what, you can come with Dad and I next time either of us needs a new 'althetic sip-otter'."

"Soooo, Jane, any art projects in the works?" asked Daria quickly after a brief shudder at the comment.

Daria ignored Jane's confused expression and continued through the front doors of the school. Jane glanced to Alex with a raised eyebrow, shrugged, and then followed Daria inside.

"Wuss," said Alex with a triumphant grin as he followed the girls into LHS.

* * *

Daria and Quinn stood beside each other on the stage of the school auditorium. To either side of them stood the six other girls selected for the class from among the student body. Daria glanced at the other girls on stage with her. The remaining members of the Fashion Club were lined up to she and Quinn's left, as expected. Stacy raised her hand and gave a small wave as she noticed Daria's attention but quickly dropped her hand under Sandi's disapproving glare.

To her own left, a tall blond she recognized as one of the LHS cheerleaders stood with a bored expression.

_'Terry… Tori… something. __Brittany__ must be thrilled that another cheerleader was chosen over her,' _thought Daria.

Beyond the cheerleader, stood another girl with long brown hair in a pony tail that hung down her back past her waist. Daria vaguely recognized her as a fellow sophomore with whom she shared more than a few classes, but couldn't remember the girl's name.

"OK girls, enough lounging around," announced Cloud. "Now we get to see whether we made the right choices or whether you are wasting our valuable time."

"Alright, line up," ordered Romonica with a clap of her hands. "We're going to see how you handle yourself on the runway."

"I'm sure you all know the drill. Imagine you're modeling the new summer line. Just walk to the end of the runway, then walk back," instructed Cloud. "We're starting simple and without any thing extra so we can tell what you have and what you need to work on."

Each of the girls took their turn walking down the catwalk. The Fashion Club members naturally gave very impressive attempts at a runway walk. Cloud's right eyebrow lifted a bit as he watched Daria take her turn. It was blatantly obvious that the girl wanted to be anywhere other than on stage, but something else caught his attention beyond her disdain.

"Very nice girls, very nice. A bit rough but you all have good basic form," complimented Cloud. "Now we expand on the basics and we'll provide feedback on your forms."

"All right, ladies, your worst enemy is at the end of the catwalk… The one who stole your boyfriend," announced Romonica with real venom. "She has fallen and broken her leg. Your job is to tell her, without words, that you've come to watch them cut it off."

"Just like before simple runway walk, but you will stop at the end of the runway, strike a subtle pose for 5 seconds before you make your return walk," informed Cloud.

"And remember girls, it's all about attitude," said Romonica.

The girls lined up at the back of the runway and one by one took their turns.

"Very good, Sandi," commented Romonica as the girl virtually stormed down the runway with her customary sneer. She stopped at the end of the runway, placed her hand on her hip and smirked evilly at an imagined foe before she again returned to the end with the other girls.

"Reign those hips in honey," chastised Cloud as Stacy went by.

Tiffany sauntered down the runway rather gracefully but without any real attention to much else going on.

Romonica opened her mouth to comment, but a gesture from Cloud prevented her.

Daria followed Tiffany. She not quite stomped down the runway at her normal walking pace. Her posture was also her usual: chin level, eyes up, upper body virtually still as she made her way to the front of the runway. Once at the end she crossed her arms, after begrudgingly obeying Romonica's order on the way to the front of "Hands out of pockets!" and stared straight ahead at Jane and her brother with an subtly agitated expression for the requisite time. She even managed to maintain that expression despite the faces Alex and Jane made at her. She then smoothly turned and returned to her place in with the other girls.

"Did you see that?" asked Cloud in an excited whisper to his partner.

"Yes, yes I did," replied Romonica with interest as she watched the girl walk.

* * *

"Hey, Janey," stated Trent as he dropped into the seat next to his sister in the school auditorium.

"Yo, Trent," greeted Jane. "What are you doing here?"

"And a better question is how did you get past the guard dogs?" asked Alex.

"Oh, hey Alex," returned Trent with a nod to the boy. "Apparently they really like peanut butter. But now I don't have anything for lunch."

"Do Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily?" asked Jane with a smile.

"Um, I'm not sure how to break it to them. You got any ideas?" asked Trent after a moment of contemplation.

"Naa… wait are they actually home?" asked Jane. "Both of them?"

"Yeah I think Mom got in last night some time," informed Trent as he leaned back and put his feet up on the seat in front of him. "She made me and the guys help move some boxes into the pottery room. Dad was in the house when I woke up. He's setup in the bathroom, as usual."

"Why didn't I know Mom was home?" asked Jane, a touch of anger evident in her voice.

"Well, it was pretty late when she got in, or early" offered Trent. "I think she's been out in the pottery room since then. You know how she gets when she's working the clay."

"So, what _**are**_ you doing here Trent?" asked Alex as he attempted to change the subject.

"Oh, you know, I thought I'd check it out," he answered ambiguously.

"Check what out?" asked a slightly confused Alex.

"Get used to being around fashion types," continued Trent. "You know, for the future."

Jane looked to Alex with a raised eyebrow only to receive a shrug in response before she turned back to her brother and asked, "What about the future?"

"You know…" stated Trent

"Trent, what the hell are you talking about?" demanded Jane loudly.

"Models... musician. Models... musician," answered Trent pointing to the stage and then himself for emphasis.

"Trent, does the phrase 'delusions of grandeur' mean anything to you?" asked Jane.

"Hmmm, no, but we have been thinking of changing the name of the band," commented Trent. "Delusions of Grandeur… opening for the Rolling Stones, Delusions of Grandeur... Cool."

Any remark Jane was going to make was drowned out as Brittany dropped down into the seat beside Trent bawling her eyes out.

"Um, are you alright," asked a worried Trent as he nervously glanced at the weeping blonde beside him.

"Do I look like I'm all right?" asked a distraught Brittany, mascara running down her tear streaked cheeks.

"That was a rhetorical question right?" whispered Alex to Jane.

"No, I don't," continued the cheerleader. "And I don't look like I'm model material either, appearently."

"I think the word you're looking for is **apparently**?" corrected Alex.

"I mean, I should be up there on stage, with the winners," replied Brittany as she began sniffling heavily again. "Instead, I'm out here in the audience, with the losers!"

Trent adjusted in his seat for a moment and retrieved a paisley head handkerchief style head band from his back pocket and unfolded it.

"Um, here," he said to the girl as he offered her the cloth. "You can borrow this. It's mostly clean."

"Thanks," sniffled Brittany as she wiped the running mascara from her eyes, blew her nose and held the now soiled headband out.

"Um, you know what you can keep it," responded Trent. "Jesse left it at the house months ago. I doubt it'll be missed."

"Thanks," said Brittany as she blew her nose again. "Is Jesse your girlfriend?"

"What? Naah, he's my best friend. Plays rhythm in our band," commented Trent casually.

"You're in a band," squeaked Brittany who suddenly regained much of her typical perkiness and leaned on the armrest towards the reclining musician.

* * *

The three remaining girls finished their walks and the modeling agents joined them from their seats at the front of the auditorium.

"Yes girls you all have much potential," lauded Cloud.

"However, there is room for much improvement," amended Romonica.

The two moved down the line from one girl to the next.

"Sandi, you have good basic form, and you have the attitude, but your hip motion is a too tight," informed Cloud.

"Loosen it up dahling, relax a bit" stated Romonica. "Take the stick off your back and let your natural sway do its work."

"I'll try," the girl replied.

"I don't think her back is where the stick is located," stated Daria under her breath.

Tori cut her eyes to the outcast beside her for a moment. Stacy, who was standing on the other side of Daria in the line up, used most of her willpower to not blurt out declarations of agreement.

"Tiffany, you've got to wake up out there," commented Cloud as they moved to the Asian teen. "You've got the moves and the grace but none of the energy."

"You have to make it pop girlfriend," announced Romonica enthusiastically with a clap of her hands for emphasis.

"Make… it … pop," repeated Tiffany in her usual manner.

"With that much air in her head, popping might not be a good idea," murmured Daria which drew a smirk from Tori and a stifled giggle from Stacy.

"Quinn, your attitude was great. Lots of energy, good form," stated Cloud.

"Marvelous," added Romonica before they moved on to the next girl in the line. "But you're forcing your shoulders forward too much."

"Yes it makes you feel a tiny bit… oh what's the word I'm looking for," contemplated Cloud aloud. "Wooden. Yes, relax your shoulders just a bit."

Quinn beamed at the praise while Sandi silently fumed at Quinn's review.

"Stacy, you've got the opposite problem from Sandi. You need to tone down the hip action just a bit, and don't smile so much."" chastised Cloud.

"This is a real modeling runway, not a Miss Lawndale Pageant," stated Romonica.

"Yes and we wouldn't want it to seem like you were actually enjoying yourself now would we," commented Daria.

As she was next in line, the adults heard her comment quite clearly.

"Ah Dar-eeea, what are we going to do with you?" asked Romonica rhetorically.

"Move along quietly and save all of us the trouble and discomfort of going through with my review?" prompted Daria with her usual level of sarcasm.

"Actually I would rather you take another leettle walk down the runway," stated Romonica.

"Why?" asked Daria and Quinn almost simultaneously.

"Humor us please," requested Cloud.

"Fine," relented Daria with a sigh. "If it will get this silliness over sooner…"

She stepped back up on the runway and walked quickly to the end turned around just as quickly and headed back to the rear of the runway. As she was prepared to step down to the stage, Cloud asked her to stop and do the walk one more time at her normal walking pace.

With a frown, Daria complied for the sake of getting the ordeal over with.

"Pay attention girls, because this is something you're not likely to get from the average modeling class," instructed Cloud. "Our little social butterfly here, has something that most models have to train to master."

"She has an almost perfect walk," declared Romonica.

"Excuse me?" came an almost simultaneous question from Daria, Quinn and an equally shocked Sandi.

"If you would be so kind as to take one more trip down the isle for us," requested Cloud with a smirk to Daria.

Her own curiosity silenced the snarky remark she had prepared and instead complied with the man.

"Notice how with each step, she places the heel of her foot down first," stated Cloud as everyone watched Daria with increased scrutiny.

"However," interjected Romonica. "Unlike the ungainly and stiff heel-toe walk, she keeps most of her weight on the ball of the foot once it touches down."

"Also notice her posture," added Cloud as Daria reached the front end of the runway.

Daria performed another sharp 180 and moved as quickly as she felt she could get away with to end the unwanted scrutiny as quickly as possible while avoiding another walking display.

"Shoulders back, eyes forward, chin parallel to the ground," continued Romonica as Daria walked towards them.

"If she were one of my girls, I would go over her foot placement and a little more forward thrust of the hips," informed Cloud. "But otherwise I don't really see much to coach her on."

"Am I done now," asked Daria who was surprised but annoyed by the fact that she did anything even remotely similar to a model.

"Yes, yes dear, though one tip that I think you may appreciate despite your obvious distaste of this course," stated Romonica.

"This ought to be good," murmured Daria with an eye roll as she stepped down from the runway and stood before Romonica, arms crossed, expectantly waiting.

"I suggest you make your turns a little less sharp in the future or wear longer skirts… unless you want to give everyone _another_ show of your undergarments," replied the woman.

Any witty comeback Daria might have been forming died at the realization that she had inadvertently flashed her unmentionables at Romonica, Cloud, the Fashion Club and every other observer currently in the school auditorium responded by blushing and reflexively grasping the bottom edge of her skirt.

When she glanced up to the moderately populated audience her eyes immediately locked on Trent sitting next to Jane, and strangely enough Brittany. Trent, who noticed her attention, gave a casual wave.

Daria's blush threatened to go nuclear as she dashed to the side of and off the stage as quickly as she could.

"And I think we'll take a little break now," commented Cloud as he, like everyone on stage and in the audience, watched Daria's desperate escape.

* * *

"Exit stage left," commented Jane as she and the rest of the observers in the auditorium watched Daria make a hasty retreat from the stage.

"Wonder what that was all about... yikes!" Jane began to muse aloud before Alex practically stepped on her as he climbed over the back of his seat and took off down the auditorium isle.

"Woah," commented Trent as he turned in his seat to watch the boy hurriedly exit the auditorium.

"OK... that wasn't strange or anything," said Jane. "What the hell just happened?"

"I don't know," answered Trent.

"Wow, Daria looked really upset," came Brittany's sniffle punctuated comment.

"Wha... oh yeah she did," returned Jane after she recovered from almost being used as a human step ladder. "Guess I better go help Alex find her. Come on Trent we could probably use an extra pair of eyes."

"But how am I supposed to get used to hanging with models if I'm not you know... observing them?" the musician asked.

"Yeah, that didn't come across as creepy or anything" said Jane. "The class is taking a break, and since those modeling folks seem to have developed some kind of perverse fascination with Daria, I don't think we're going to see much more of the class until we find her."

"Hmmm, you could be right," Trent replied as he slowly stood up.

"You gonna be ok?" he asked Brittany after sliding past the girl.

"Yeah, thanks," the blonde answered with stars in her eyes.

"Umm... uh...," stuttered Trent. "Hey Janey, wait up."

* * *

"Woah, this brings back memories," commented Trent as he and his sister made their way through the halls of Lawndale High. "Hey, Mr. D's Class... cool."

"Reminisce about your adventures in truancy on your own dime. We're supposed to be looking for Daria," chastised Jane.

"Why not just ask Alex where she is," asked Trent.

"Because he ran out before we could go with him," reminded Jane.

"Hmm I wonder if Daria knows where he is," added Trent.

"Even if she did, that wouldn't do us any good," said Jane.

"Why not?" asked Trent.

"Because we don't know where she is," answered Jane with a frustrated sigh.

"Oh yeah," the young man responded.

The two Lane siblings continued to walk through the halls for another minute in silence.

"Janey," prompted the slacker.

"What Trent?"

"So are we looking for Alex or Daria?"

* * *

After several minutes of fruitless wandering through the halls of LHS, the Lane siblings rounded a corner and saw Alex sitting on the floor beside the bathrooms.

"Hey," called out Jane as she and Trent approached.

"Hey," returned Alex as he looked up. "I found her."

"Well where is she?" asked Jane glancing around.

"No Man's Land," replied Alex as he inclined his head towards the bathrooms.

"Gotcha. I'll be right back," she answered as she headed through the girl's door.

Once inside she glanced around the seemingly empty rest room before her gaze fell on the row of stalls.

"Daria," Jane announced as she moved from one stall door to the next checking on whether it was locked.

Once she reached the end of the line, she found a door that was indeed locked.

"Daria, I know you're in there, come out," prompted Jane as she pushed on the locked door.

She stooped over a bit to get a view below the stall door and saw her friend's boots.

"Daria's Boots... If you've seen Daria, can you tell her to come out and tell us what the hell is going on," said Jane.

In response, Daria lifted her feet to rest on the toilet seat and out of Jane's sight.

"Daria? Come on, what's going on?" asked Jane as she leaned against the stall partition.

"Go away," came Daria's reply from within the stall.

"Oh good, your boots gave you my message," joked Jane. "But seriously what's wrong? I know you joked about running screaming from the fashion zombies but I wasn't expecting you to actually make with the running."

"It was purely a 'Fight or Flight' response," explained Daria. "Flight won out."

"Well I kind of gathered that. But what actually caused it in the first place," asked Jane.

After she received no answer, Jane tried the stall door's handle again. "Come on Daria."

After again being given only silence by her friend, Jane banged on the door.

"Either come out and talk to me or I'm coming in," threatened Jane.

"I'd like to see you try Lane," came Daria's response.

Further quips were cut off as Daria saw that her friend had dropped down and began to crawl under the gap between the stall door and the floor.

"I suppose reminding you of the dangers of crawling around on the floor of public restrooms is pointless now," said Daria.

"I've been a regular at the Zon for years now. I think I've built up an immunity to anything a conventional bathroom might throw at me," replied Jane as she stood and dusted herself off. "Now, talk."

* * *

Alex leaned his head back against the wall after glancing towards the door of the girls' bathroom for the 5th time in as many minutes.

He'd attempted to have a casual conversation with Trent, but got little more than single word responses and non sequiturs. The later generally leading to nonsensical lyrics from the older man. After a few minutes, he gave up and sat down next to the bathroom door with his back against the wall.

"Mr. MORGENdorffer! Is there any particular REASON you're sitting here, in front of the LADIES' lavatory, instead of having your milk-fed BUTT in the apPROPriate designated seat of your CURRENT class?" barked a familiar voice.

Alex looked up to see Mr. DeMartino exit the men's bathroom and come to stand above him, staring down menacingly. The boy reflexively stood up and assumed a straight-backed posture, with his chin up, his shoulders back and arms straight down at his sides. His gaze was focused straight forward instead of on the teacher standing just to his left.

"Sorry, Sir! I was making sure my sister was alright, sir!" the boy spit out hurriedly, still looking straight ahead.

DeMartino raised an eyebrow at the boy's response. He took special notice of Alex's posture and general demeanor; both of which, the teacher held more than a passing familiarity with. After a moment, DeMartino realized he was scrutinizing the boy's stance for any faults.

_"Guess old habits die hard, even after all this time,"_ the man thought to himself.

"At ease, son," said the man in his calmest voice noticing that Alex slipped into a parade rest stance for a moment before letting out a breath and taking a more casual stance. "Despite Ms. Li's GRANDest wishes, this is still NOT a military operation, so your IMPRESSIVE display of DISCIPLINE and training is largely wasted."

"Sorry sir," responded Alex.

"And speaking of largely WASTED," the teacher continued as he noticed Trent snoozing near the bathroom door. "Is there any PARTICULAR reason Mr. Lane is currently ASLEEP in the hallway, when he has not been a registered student of this GRAND institution for the past 3 years?"

"He, uh, came to let Jane know about their parents' plans for the evening, sir," answered Alex nervously.

_"Of course, any plans they have together would require the two of them to actually be in the same hemisphere," _DeMartino thought as he leaned down until he was just a few inches from the side of Trent's face.

"MR LANE! What policy was initiated to assist nations under threat of hostile takeover by Communist governments?" bellowed Mr. DeMartino rapidly into the sleeping man's ear.

"The Truman Doctrine!" yelled Trent instantly as he leapt to his feet and looked around confused.

"CORRECT, as always Mr. Lane," congratulated DeMartino with an almost feral grin. "One day, I swear I will figure out how you AWAYS manage to give the correct answer to a question despite EXTREME narcoleptic proclivity."

"Oh, hey Mr D," returned Trent casually as he returned to full wakefulness, or relative wakefulness in his case. "How's it goin'?"

"As well as can be expected here Mr. Lane," returned the teacher. "As I was telling Mr. Morgendorffer, in the FUTURE, if you are going to be on school grounds, PLEASE make sure you stop by the front office and OFFICIALLY sign in for a guest pass."

"Oh, yeah, will do Mr. D," Trent replied with a glance at the door to the boy's restroom. "I'll, uh… be right back. Oh hey Daria, feeling better?"

The others turned to see Jane and Daria exiting the bathroom.

"Actually I am, Trent, thanks" returned Daria as she dropped her gaze to the floor in an attempt to hide the blush spreading across her face.

Trent gave her a small smile as he moved past her and entered the boy's bathroom.

"Ahh, Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer," greeted DeMartino. "And why, pre tel, are two more of my least ULCER INSPIRING students out wandering freely during NORMAL class time?"

"Ms. Li made these free periods for anyone who wanted to check out the modeling class," advised Jane.

"Ahh yes," said the teacher. "Although, if memory serves me correctly, the choice was to either attend this SO CALLED modeling class in the auditorium, or spend the 'free periods' in your normally ASSIGNED homerooms."

"Daria had a bit of an emergency and needed to take care of it," informed Jane. "So the Amazon reps decided to a break."

"And why would Miss Mogendorffer's little EMERGENCY cause our guests to call a break?" asked DeMartino.

"Because, by some strange cosmic joke, I was chosen to participate in this catwalk catastrophe," advised Daria flatly.

"Well, since your HANDLERS are here, I will leave you in their care," announced DeMartino to Alex. "Although, I imagine the ALLOWED break interval will likely be coming to and end, given how long we have been CHEWING the proverbial fat. I would advise, once Mr. Lane finishes handling his business, that you return to the auditorium to complete this FARCE of a practical learning experience."

Mr. DeMartino then turned and began to walk back towards his classroom, mumbling angrily to himself.

"I guess I should head back," said Daria with a sigh.

"You've made it through this much of the class, might as well finish it," said Jane

"And you can't let, Cloud and Rrrrrrrromonica, get away with… whatever it is they're trying to pull on you," added Alex

"Besides," continued Jane with a conspiratorial grin. "You can't let the Fashion Club out-do you."

"So ready to do another little turn on the catwalk?" asked Jane with a grin.

Daria's witty comeback died on her lips when Trent returned from the bathroom to join them. She began to blush violently again and turned instantly back towards the girl's bathroom. She was just as quickly reoriented by Jane's firm grip on her shoulders back towards the hallway.

"Oh, no you don't," said Jane as she shoved her friend in the appropriate direction of the auditorium.

* * *

"Girls, your runway work is truly superb given your lack of formal training," praised Romonica as she noticed the Lane and Morgendorffer siblings enter the auditorium.

"So glad you chose to again grace us with you presence, dahling," the woman called loudly across the auditorium.

Daria let out a small sigh as she let go of her brother's hand and made her way back to the stage while the others scooted past a still sniffling Brittany and reclaimed their seats.

"Oh, babe, I found you," came Kevin's voice as the group looked up to see the Quarterback standing beside his girlfriend's aisle seat.

"Oh, Kevey, life is so unfair!" announced Brittany as her crying jag picked up again.

Kevin looked at his weeping girlfriend with a concerned expression and asked "What's wrong, babe?"

Brittany wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his shoulder while letting out a stream of unintelligible babble mixed with hiccuping sobs.

"Huh" asked Kevin with a completely baffled expression.

"She's upset because she's stuck out here with the losers," informed Jane sarcastically.

"Oh. Yeah, I can see that," the quarterback agreed as Brittany continued to sob into his jersey.

"Ahh Mr. Morgendorffer," came Charles' dramatic greeting as he approached his friend and collected classmates. "I knew the siren call of the lovely ladies of fashion was too much for you to resist."

"Mr. Ruttheimer," returned Alex. "I'm surprised it took you this long to join the festivities."

"I was detained briefly with responsibilities of the more academic slant," Charles returned.

"Uh, huh," said Jane unconvinced.

"Fine," said Charles with a sigh. "I spent the last half hour hiding from Ms. Barch."

Alex and Jane responded by laughing aloud at the red head's misfortune. Even Trent let out a brief chuckle-cough at the boy's bad luck with the man-hating science teacher.

* * *

"You're back just in time for the next lesson," Romonica announced as Daria ascended the steps to join the rest of the girls in the modeling class. "We're going to try a leetle ensemble posing. Let us see... we will need some male volunteers from the audience..."

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, seated in the front row, practically climbed all over themselves volunteering.

"Very good,". acknowledged Romonica who picked two more of boys raised their hands.

Romonica glanced around at the remaining apparently disinterested students in the front section of auditorium.

Cloud scanned the audience himself and immediately noticed Kevin standing near the buxom cheerleader he and Romonica had spoken with on their first day at the school.

"You, out there," the man called pointing towards the Quarterback. "What's your name?"

"Um... Kevin?" the boy answered hesitantly.

"Come on up here and help our pretty little sparrows learn to pose with handsome young eagles," said Cloud dramatically.

"Um... Sure!" responded Kevin more enthusiastically as he walked towards the stage, Brittany completely forgotten.

Brittany blinked several times, and then began to sniffle sadly_._

"Don't be sad, Brittany. He's with the winners now," said Jane sarcastically.

"And bring your two leetle friends with you," Romonica stated.

Kevin stopped, looked around confused and asked, "Um, what friends?"

"Those two," stated Romonica impatiently as she pointed toward Alex and Charles.

At the woman's pronouncement, a grin spread across Jane's face and she held her hand out towards Alex without looking at him.

"Why do I always get dragged in to these things?" asked Alex with a sigh as he stood and took his wallet out of his pocket.

"Let me guess, you foolishly accepted yet another wager from the ravishing, yet crafty, Ms. Lane regarding your involuntary involvement in today's activities," said an amused Charles, as he watched his friend pull several one dollar bills from the wallet and place them into Jane's outstretched hand.

"Get your can up there Morgendorffer. If Mommy likes your walk you just might be able to earn this back," teased Jane as she fanned the singles out.

"Today, boys!" called Cloud from the stage with a clap of his hands.

* * *

Romonica stalked back and forth before the gathered boys and girls.

"All right, these are the sort of poses known in the business as 'hayride crap'," the woman announced, eliciting snickers and giggles from the J's, Kevin and several of the girls.

"You can find yourself doing it in catalog work," added Cloud. "Now, let's pair up these lovely ladies with a strapping beau."

Jaime, Jeffy and Joey immediately moved over to Quinn.

"Hi Quinn, I'll be your beau," offered Joey.

"Back off loser, I'm gonna be her beau," announced Jeffy.

"Who are you calling a loser, loser?" asked Jaime angrily as he pushed Jeffy into Joey.

"Oh guys, stop fighting over me," said Quinn in an insincere tone.

"Break it up boys!" ordered Cloud with a clap of his hands. "For the sake of getting this done…"

Cloud then began to assign partners by simply pointing at a boy and then at one of the girls.

The J's were relatively disappointed that none of them had been assigned to Quinn, but their expressions improved when they realized they had been paired with other attractive girls. Joey stood beside Angie, Jeffy beside Tiffany, and Jaime was with Stacy.

"Hey Pip," said Alex as he stood beside his sister and reached out towards the girls head with a smirk.

"Hey Lexi," returned Quinn as she expertly dodged her brother's faux attempt at ruffling her hair.

"Ugh, this is unacceptable," said Sandi as she crossed her arms and turned away from a widely grinning Upchuck.

"For once, I think we are in agreement," added Daria dryly as Kevin stood beside her.

"Now as I vas zaying, ve are going to do some ensemble modeling," announced Romonica. "Gentlemen, face your partners."

Each young man moved to stand before their assigned partners.

"Now girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests," instructed Cloud "You want them, they want you... all that remains is to find someplace to let desire run free."

Most of the male participants let slip grins at the instruction. A majority of the female participants also let slip small smiles at the man's request.

"What?" exclaimed Alex, Daria, Quinn and Sandi.

Sandi turned her surprised attention back to her assigned partner.

"Be gentle," requested Upchuck dramatically with a wink and a wide toothy grin.

He then slid up to the scowling girl and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"In your dreams Upchuck!" replied Sandi angrily as she promptly kneed the boy in a very tender area.

Every male on stage winced sympathetically as Upchuck dropped to the floor and curled up into the fetal position, hands clutching his battered privates.

"Come on son. Let's get you to the school nurse," said Cloud after a momentary wince, as he helped Charles to his feet and led him off stage.

While her partner attended to Charles, Romonica turned a glare back on Sandi and the other objecting girls.

Quinn and Alex followed Cloud and Upchuck's exit, only to have their attention drawn back by Romonica standing before them. They looked at each other for a moment and let out a simultaneous "Ewwwww!"

"No, way!" exclaimed Daria firmly as Kevin stood before her.

"Now, what's going on here?" asked Romonica as she moved to stand before Daria and Kevin.

"No… not just no, but Hell no!" announced Daria with a scowl at the goofily grinning quarterback.

Romonica placed her palm against her face for a moment and muttered a string of words in a language no one on stage understood, but gathered were not very pleasant.

"Any problems with this one?" Romonica asked Sandi, with a thumb pointed towards Kevin.

"No problem at all," replied Sandi with a predatory smirk.

"Thank heaven for small miracles," the aging model said aloud as she pushed the Quarterback towards the eager Sandi.

"Now, dahling, what could possibly be your objection?" asked Romonica as she moved towards Alex and Quinn and cast a critical glance towards the taller boy. "You do like boys, don't you?"

"Well of _**course**_ I like boys. But they'd have to dress a lot better than he does. I mean basic black _is_ pretty much a universal neutral, but those gaudy glasses would have to go, or maybe a slimmer frame or something, and he'd have to have a nice car, oh and like, not be my brother and stuff," rambled Quinn.

"Yes, though the black seems to work for him," responded Romonica as she scrutinized Alex more closely.

"Though I agree, that old jacket would have to go. Camouflage is soooo three seasons ago, and…" the woman continued before Quinn's last comment registered.

"Wait, did you say he was your brother?" the woman asked, and received a nod from Quinn and Alex.

"Oh, well we'll just make a leetle trade then. We'll just put him with..." the woman began as she turned to Daria. "No, that won't work either."

"Miss... Miss Romonica," said Stacy hesitantly. "Um, Quinn can pose with Jaime, and I'll take Alex."

Jaime gave a silent 'Yes' with a very visible fist pump as he practically leapt to Quinn's side and bumped Alex out of the way.

Alex stumbled a bit at being shoved and stopped in front of a Stacy. He turned back and glared disapprovingly at Jaime, not liking the idea of the younger boy making time with his little sister.

"As for you," Romonica said to Daria. "Someone was going to have to sit out since we are down a boy anyway. You just go take a seat over there."

Daria stalked over to the chairs setup beside the runway, while Romonica turned her attention back to the other students on stage.

"Now, where were we?" mused Romonica before she turned back to the remaining paired off boys and girls. "Ahh yes. Now, I want you to run your hands across your partner's chest."

While the other girls eagerly jumped into their assignment, and began running their hands over their partners' chests, a nervous expression came over Quinn as she glanced at Jaime.

_'Think of the contract, think of the contract,' _the red head repeated in her head as she closed her eyes for a moment.

She then opened her eyes and hesitantly placed her hands on Jaime's chest. An action that instilled the widest smile anyone had ever seen grace Jaime White's features in known history.

The other girls were a bit more agreeable to the task, and began to enthusiastically rub the chests of their assigned partners.

Alex stopped glaring daggers at Jaime when he felt a feather light touch of one and then a second hand on his own chest. He turned his attention back to the girl before him and noticed that Stacy had moved very, very close to him. Her hands were making hesitant circular motions over his pectorals, her wrists and forearms bumping against the open front of his jacket occasionally.

_'OhMygodOhMygodOhMygodOhMygod,' _was all Stacy could think as she bit her lower lip and tried not to hyperventilate.

_'Why do I suddenly feel light-headed?' _Alex asked himself. _'Oh, I guess the fact that I haven't actually taken a breath for the past minute might be a contributing factor.'_

With that thought, the boy let out the breath he had been accidentally holding and tried to calm himself with slow deep breaths. Of course that activity translated immediately to Stacy who, thanks to her proximity and the position of her hands, felt and saw every rise and fall of Alex's muscular chest beneath his fitted black shirt.

_'You know. When I thought about what I would be doing around this time of the day, having one of the cutest girls in school caressing my chest, wasn't very high on the list,' _came Alex's inner thoughts. He then opened his mouth to voice those words to the girl pleasantly invading his personal space. Of course Stacy decided at that moment to move on from simply touching his chest with open palms to drawing patterns with a finger.

"You, uh… know… um… chest… uh… list… G-flat…," mumbled Alex incoherently.

"Did you say something?" asked Stacy as her cheeks reddened noticeably.

"No, noth…" squeaked Alex before he managed to clear his throat and regained his normal deeper voice. "Um… er… nothing…. Carry on."

* * *

"Hello Jane," called out O'Neill as he approached the Lane siblings. "I wasn't expecting to see you here."

"Hey Mr. O," returned Jane, as she recovered from laughing after viewing Upchuck's unfortunately intimate introduction to Sandi's knee. "Why wouldn't I be here?"

"Well, when the class was announced, you did make a declaration about how people in the fashion industry focus more on…" began the teacher as he nervously searched for a genial way to reiterate Jane's comments. "…the fleeting and transient aspects instead of life instead of more… socially aware and beneficial persuits."

"Oh," responded Jane after a curious look to her teacher. "You mean when I said that models and agencies 'squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell'?"

"Um, yes," answered the teacher with a nervous chuckle before his eyes fell on the still sniffling Brittany. "So… why are you here again?"

"Aside from getting out of another Economics pop quiz?," asked Jane sarcastically. "But seriously, I figured it would be entertaining. And I couldn't leave Daria to deal with the modeling Vultures without some amoral support."

"Daria is participating in the class?" O'Neill asked with a smile on his face. "That's Wonderful!"

"It is?" asked Jane confused.

"Of course it is," affirmed the teacher enthusiastically. "She's finally breaking out of that introverted shell and joining the rest of her peers. She's reaching out and grabbing involvement and appreciation of appearance by both hands, and saying 'I'm here and I won't be ignored!'."

"Are we talking about the same Daria?" asked Jane as she shared a raised eyebrow with an equally confused Trent.

A rather loud nose blow followed by sniffles drew the teacher's attention to Brittany. He hadn't noticed the sobbing blond until now, despite the fact that, due to his place in the isle, he had been standing in the isle right beside the girl and practically talking over her to address Jane.

"Brittany, are you alright," he asked with a worried tone.

The blond simply let loose with a high pitched series of incoherent squeaks before blowing her nose into her borrowed handkerchief again.

"She didn't get picked to participate in the fashion class and Kevin kind of ditched her er to help the other girls on stage," informed Jane with a chuckle at O'Neill's perplexed expression.

"Oh no," he responded. "Well I'm sure he's just trying to give a hand to his fellow students and it's perfectly inno… oh my."

Jane, Trent and Brittany raised eyebrows at O'Neill's sudden pause in his overly sappy statement. They noticed he was staring at the stage with a hand covering his mouth, so they turned their gazes there as well.

* * *

"Excellent girls," praised Romonica as she wandered from couple to couple. "Very good Tiffany… Sandi wipe that smirk off your face. Less spy movie vixen more romance novel cover... chest Angie, not butt."

Stacy ran her left hand up to Alex's right shoulder. The action caused him to reflexively jerk his shoulder away from the girl and reached up to hold the girl's hand, to prevent her from touching that particular spot.

"That is perfect Stacy," said Romonica, which drew everyone's attention to the Alex and the Stacy. They were standing extremely close staring into each other's eyes.

Quinn and Daria both shared identical raised eyebrows towards the couple. Daria's inquisitive expression was directed at her brother while Quinn was paying a bit more attention to her fellow Fashion Club member.

"Gee Stacy, you seem to really be enjoying getting close to Quinn's geeky brother," Sandi snarked.

"Um… I'm just… um, getting into the role Sandi," replied Stacy as she quickly removed her hand from Alex's and the two blushing teens stepped a bit further apart from each other.

"Now, that is the kind of thing you can find yourself doing in general," informed Romonica.

_'That wasn't so bad,_' thought Quinn as she let out a relieved breath and took a step away from a still grinning Jaime.

"It's pretty common in catalog work… Unless it's a really fun catalog," added Romonica. "Then it might be a bit more interesting. For instance... boys, would you mind taking your shirts off?"

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie glance from Romonica to each other with hesitant expressions. Jaime then remembered that Quinn was his assigned partner and tried to control himself enough to pull the shirt over his head intact versus simply ripping the garment off of his torso. The other two shrugged at each other and began removing their own shirts.

Quinn let out a very Stacy-like "Eep!"

"You too, Kevin," said Romonica pointing at the boy with her empty cigarette holder..

"Um, all right," responded the quarterback as he quickly and efficiently removed his team jersey despite the bulky football pads he constantly wore.

"Um, I have to go to the bathroom," announced Quinn as she took a careful step away from Jaime.

"Are you sure that's what you're feeling?" asked Romonica as she noticed the girls obvious discomfort.

"Yes!" insisted Quinn as she quickly made her way toward the rear exit of the stage.

"Dahling, take off those horrendous pads this moment," the older woman ordered as she noticed Kevin was still wearing his protective shoulder pads and chest covering..

"Uh, sure," Kevin said as he began to unlatch the buckles and belts securing the padded hardened plastic armor to his torso.

The ladies on stage all watched with appreciation as Kevin bared his upper body. Even Romonica took a moment to evaluate the boy's physique as he walked over to the set of chairs near where Daria was seated and set his Lions jersey and pads on the chair beside the girl.

Stacy watched Kevin walk back to stand before Sandi, then a grin spread across her face as she turned her attention back to Alex.

"You to Dahling," said Romonica as she looked at Alex.

Stacy grinned and grabbed the front of the boys black shirt. She managed to get the entire front of the shirt untucked from his pants and was moving it up his abs before he jumped back and grabbed both of the girl's hands.

"Um… I've got to make sure my sister is alright," said Alex quickly as he gave Stacy a nervous smile and quickly followed Quinn off the stage.

Cloud sidestepped to avoid running into her as he made his way back to the stage. After almost being run over by Quinn, the man had to move aside a second time as Alex hastily rushed past him through the door, right behind the red head.

"And on that note, I think I've exhausted my tolerance level for pointless exercises in public humiliation for the day," said Daria as she noticed Jane moving towards the front exit and stood and moved towards the front steps to follow her friend.

* * *

Brittany watched her boyfriend divest himself of his football equipment. The appreciative gazes of the other girls on stage did not escape her. She stood and let out an angry noise before storming out of the auditorium, with a frantic O'Neill on her heels.

Jane and Trent watched the teacher and cheerleader leave before they glanced at each other with a shrug and returned to watching the class.

"Hey isn't that Alex and Daria's sister?" the young man asked as he noticed Quinn's hasty retreat.

"Yeah," replied Jane tensely as she also watched the activity on stage. "I'm… I'm going to go check on her."

"Um… OK," said Trent as he noticed the obviously displeased expression on his sister's face.

Jane rose and made her way towards the main auditorium entrance. Trent's attention followed her exit before returning his attention to the stage, when he noticed both Alex following Quinn and Daria moving down the center isle in his direction.

"Hey, Daria. Is the class over or something?" he asked once the girl was in range to speak.

"It is for me," she replied before continuing up the isle towards the door.

"I knew I should've stayed home," said Trent with a sigh.

* * *

"Hey, slow down Pip," called out Alex as he sped up his pace.

"Oh, hey Lexi," returned Quinn as she stopped to let the boy catch up to her.

"Everything, OK?" he asked.

"Everything' fine. Why wouldn't it be?" Quinn responded unconvincingly.

"Just making sure," the boy responded. "Camping out in front of the girls bathroom for one freaked out sister is my quota for the day."

"I am NOT freaked out," Quinn insisted.

Alex simply gave her his 'I know you better than that' look, but said nothing as the two began walking again.

"OK, maybe a little bit," admitted Quinn. "I was OK at first, but then Romonica started making the boys take their shirts off, and it just felt weird, you know."

"Hey, why aren't you still in there?" Quinn asked as a proverbial light went off over her head. "I figured you'd still be in there with the rest of the guys, like, enjoying having the girls all over you."

"Well, it was interesting at first," Alex admitted. "But, I was kind of getting wierded out by the idea of being half naked in front of everyone. No way that crazy woman was getting me out of my shirt."

"Uh huh," said Quinn with a teasing smile as she tugged at the untucked front of her brother's shirt.

"Hey, don't look at me," he insisted as he began tucking the bottom edge of his shirt back into his pants. "As soon as Romonica ordered us out of our tops, Stacy practically ripped the shirt off of my back. I think she is taking the class a little too seriously."

Quinn blinked a few times at that bit of information, but before she could say anything further, the two reached the hall in front of the auditorium where Jane came through the double doors to join them. Daria exited the auditorium shortly after and noticed her friend and siblings as well.

"Well that was an interesting trip through Awkwardville," commented Daria as she joined the group.

"You can say that again," said Quinn.

"Let the church say 'Amen,'" said Alex with a chuckle. "Though it was amusing watching Pip's puppy pack. I though Jaime's head was going to explode there at the end,"

"There's a comment there somewhere, but I'm too much of a lady to make it," added Jane with a smile.

Alex and Daria smirked at Jane.

Quinn gave the raven haired girl a curious look for a moment before the innuendo was realized.

"Jane, EWW!" exclaimed Quinn with a disgusted face, which prompted a bout of laughs from Alex and Jane.

"I don't know about anyone else, but I'm done with modeling class for the day," said Daria after the Alex and Jane recovered. "And by 'the day,' I mean the rest of my lifetime."

"Motion filed," said Alex as he took in the nodding heads of Daria and Jane. "Motion carries. Besides I think it's lunch time anyway."

"Wow, it really says something that I would rather brave the unknown dangers of cafeteria food than spend another minute with Cloud and Rrrrrrromonica," said Daria.

"It says that you recognize the more deadly of the two and have decided on the less dangerous path," joke Jane.

"Come on Pip, I'll get you a fruit cup," offered Alex with a hand out to Quinn.

"I really should get back to the class, or I'll never hear the end of it from Sandi," began Quinn thoughtfully. "But screw it. I'm not in the mood right now."

Before the four kids could make good on their plans, they watched as Ms. Barch stormed past them into the auditorium, a babbling O'Neill and angrily scowling Brittany on her heels.

Shortly after the two teachers and Brittany entered the auditorium, they we graced with the angry sound of Barch yelling "What the Hell is going on here?"

The four teens looked at each other for a moment, before they practically ran back towards the auditorium in hopes of watching the carnage.

* * *

"So, have you recovered from your modeling experience?" asked Alex with a laugh, as he lounged on his bed with the phone to his ear.

"For shame Mr. Morgendorffer, for shame," issued Charles' response from the earpiece. "To find such cruel pleasure in the physical and emotional trauma of one you would call friend… for shame."

"But isn't that half of the fun of having friends in the first place?" teased Alex

"Touché," remarked Charles.

"Honestly, I would expect you to have started wearing a cup by now if you're going to keep that type of behavior up," continued Alex.

"Unfortunately, most readily accessible distributors of said equipment, do not carry a large enough size to accommodate my manliness," boasted the freckled boy.

"Are we still talking about an athletic supporter or something with which to carry your over-inflated ego?" Alex fired back. "But it's too bad you missed the rest of the class. Things got rather… interesting after Cloud took you to the school nurse."

Alex went on to describe, in lavish detail, how Ms. Barch had entered the auditorium, taken one look at the group of shirtless boys on stage with the girls, and gone berserk. Fortunately, the boys were all football players conditioned to properly respond to the threat of Barch. They ran as fast as they could for any and every exit available, which left Cloud as the only male on stage.

"Fortunately, Ms. Li heard about Trent being on campus without signing in at the front desk to receive the cursory body cavity search, and showed up in the auditorium with three members of security," said Alex. "They were able to subdue Barch before she did any permanent damage to Cloud."

"Yikes, three security guards to take her down?" inquired Charles.

"Well, technically two," answered Alex. "Tammy and Mrs. Woods… Steve took one look at the situation, and told Li that he'd, and I quote here, 'rather clean the bomb sniffing dog pens while covered in C4 and raw hamburger'."

"And Ms. Li let him get away with that?" asked Charles.

"At that point Barch was chasing Cloud with a folding chair, saying he'd need it surgically removed from a very tender place if she caught up with him," informed Alex. "It kind of killed any rebuttal she could make against him."

The two boys shared a hearty laugh for a moment before Charles, his grin evident even over the phone, asked "So, what's this I hear about you and the comely Miss Rowe?"

"What about Stacy and I?" asked Alex, not quite understanding the question. "After Sandi so effectively ended your participation in the modeling activities, Romonica rescued Kevin from Dia and assigned him to the Queen Fashion Bee."

"Interesting choice, but you still haven't answered my question," said Charles.

"I was getting there before I was so rudely interrupted," replied Alex. "Anyway, the blunt force trauma to your man basket may have caused you to forget the fact that I was initially assigned to be Quinn's partner."

"Ahh, that fact may have slipped my mind, given the circumstances," admitted Charles with a cough.

"Well, in all fairness, you were using most of your focus on unsuccessfully demonstrating the ability to stand upright," teased Alex.

Alex went on to explain the various partner exchanges that occurred after Charles' departure, as well as the understandable reasonings behind them.

"Ahh, so while I was felled and lay infirm with the odious Nurse Hatchet, you had the stunning Stacy's devoted ministrations for the duration of the afternoon? I must say that I am truly envious of you to the point of despising you quite thoroughly," said Charles with faux outrage.

"And rightly so," agreed Alex with a smile. "Although, as nice as it was, I couldn't completely enjoy the experience."

"And why in the world not?" inquired Charles.

"Well, it all falls back to what you told me earlier about getting a girl's phone number," said Alex. "As nice as it was, the fact that she was only doing it because it was an assignment for a modeling class, detracted from the mood."

"Still, having as titillating a specimen as Stacy running her nimble and well manicured hands all over you must have been exhilarating," said Charles, his wide toothy grin, again evident even over the phone.

"Oh it was exhilarating alright," agreed Alex. "Which, was the other major problem with the whole situation."

"OK, you lost me there," said Charles, very confused.

"Let me break it down for you," said Alex. "So far, we've got the whole, girl showing fabricated interest in me because that's what she's being coerced to do. In addition, both of my sisters were present and watching, well Dia was watching at least. Quinn was a little occupied with Jaime."

"I'm with you so far," said Charles.

"Either way," Alex continued after a breath. "I have one or more sister watching, which serves as an additional mood killer. I am being asked to get naked from the waist up after having one of the cutest girls in the school, disingenuous interest or not, running her hands all over my torso…"

"Ahh, I see said the blind man to the deaf man," announced Charles. "The situation was a reminder that, despite our extensive refinement, sophistication and any psychological impediments, the base physical responses to stimuli are capable of providing endless opportunities for public embarrassment."

"Exactly! The last thing I need, is to be standing up on the stage in the LHS auditorium, with no shirt on and a raging boner tenting my pants… in front of my sisters and every other girl in the school," said Alex.

"Who knows, it might have improved your dating life," said Charles with a laugh. "Lord knows, it couldn't possibly hurt it."

Jake poked his head into his son's doorway to inform him it was time for dinner.

"Saved by the dinner bell," joked Alex. "Catch you at school tomorrow."

"Naturally," agreed Charles. "Mr. Morgendorfer."

"Mr. Ruttheimer," returned Alex before he hung up the phone and made his way down to the kitchen.

* * *

_"Attention students," came Ms. Li's voice over the speakers of the school auditorium._

_The general din of numerous conversations quieted down as the assembled student body turned their attention to the principle standing at the podium on stage._

"Now, I know you're all anxious to find out who the winner of the Amazon Modeling Agency contract is," she began. "But first, my legal consel… I mean my conscience requires me to extend a sincere and heartfelt apology to the representatives from Amazon Modeling for the unfortunate, misunderstanding, on yesterday between Mr. Gaudette and our esteemed Sciences teacher, Janet Barch."

A round of laughs resonated from various sections of the auditorium from students who had been fortunate enough to have witnessed Barch's attempts at assaulting the mildly effeminate male model with a metal folding chair the day before.

"Additionally," Ms. Li continued after a nervous cough. "I must say something about what happened here the other day to eliminate any confused perceptions that may have arisen from yesterday's modeling class. I don't want you students to think that modeling has to have anything to do with sex."

_Li glared angrily around the auditorium as even more laughter rang out among the gathered students._

"Anyway, as I was saying..." the school administrator attempted to continue.

"How could you do that to me? In front of everyone!" rang the squeaky angry voice of Brittany, standing with her fists on her hips in the center aisle.

"I was just modeling, babe!" came Kevin's sad attempt at an excuse.

"Maybe _you_ call it modeling. _I_ call it hormones," returned Brittany viciously before turning away from her boyfriend to stop up the aisle.

On the way towards the exit, the cheerleader noticed the Fashion Club members seated near the aisle, and stopped beside them.

"All right, he's yours now, but I'll always be his first," announced Brittany pointing a finger at a smirking Sandi. "You can't take that away from me."

"I can," came a proclamation from the other side of the auditorium, which elicited yet another round of laughter from the gathered students.

"Hey," protested Kevin as he jogged up the aisle and managed to stop the blond before she managed to make it out the door.

"See, students? That's what happens when gonads rule the roost," said Li with confidence. "Now, I believe we are ready to announce the winner of the modeling contract. The Amazon Modeling Agency of New York has decided to extend the modeling contract to… Kevin Thompson?"

A chorus of outraged female voices rang out throughout the auditorium in a combined yell of "WHAT?"

"Oooooh!" squeeked Brittany angrily cutting of any further explanations from her boyfriend, as she stormed out of the auditorium.

"But Babe," began Kevin before a sensation he normally felt when avoiding opposing players on the football field caught his attention.

He turned around to see the Fashion Club, several cheerleaders and the other girls that had actually participated in the modeling class standing in a group behind him.

"Hey babes, what's goin' on?" he asked, completely oblivious to the raw rage radiating from the young women slowly approaching him.

* * *

"That was disappointing," stated Daria as she, Alex, Charles and Jane exited the auditorium and made their way to towards their next shared class. "And here I was all set to enjoy watching the Fashion Club and most of the cheerleaders tear Kevin limb from limb."

"Yeah nothing spices up a dull school day like a good old fashioned dismemberment," added Jane.

"I'm still surprised Ms. Li didn't blow a gasket when the Amazon people stepped on stage to present Kevin with the formal offer," said Alex. "But given the circumstances, she couldn't let the girls kill him for fear of breach of contract."

"While I am quite sure our antagonistic autocratic administrator was not exactly pleased with the selection, she likely settled for the fact that one of our peers, and I do use the term loosely, was still selected for the opportunity," said Charles. "The fact that it was our mentally challenged quarterback, instead of one of the fair maidens initially chosen to participate, is, from her perspective, irrelevant,"

"She was still financially compensated for allowing them here in the first place, and can still claim the fact that one of her students will have the opportunity to bring 'Honor and Glory to Lawwwndale High'," the freckled boy continued when he noticed the curious gazes of his three companions.

"As much as I hate to admit it, Upchuck's got a point," admitted Jane. "It really didn't matter to Ms. Li which girl won the prize. Why should it matter to her whether a guy won it or not?"

"Hmm looks like the Fashion Club doesn't share Ms. Li's open-minded perspective on the matter," observed Daria as she saw the four fashionistas standing in the middle of the hall.

"It's just not fair that they gave the contract to Kevin," complained Quinn loudly. "I mean he wasn't even supposed to be in the class in the first place."

"Sooooo unfair," droned Tiffany as the girls stopped at their lockers.

"Gee Kuh-Winn, I wonder if they didn't get a bad image of the girls from you and your sister disrupting the class so much," accused Sandi.

"What?" asked a surprised Quinn.

"I mean, like, your sister kept getting on their nerves and stuff," said Sandi. "And then you like, ran off in the middle of the last lesson and stuff."

"But Sandi, you can't blame me for Daria. She was obviously there to, like, sabotage the whole thing in the first place." whined Quinn with an angry glare as she noticed her siblings and Jane at their lockers across the hallway. "Remember when I told you she kept saying she didn't wanna be there at all and then she, like, suddenly changed her mind?"

"I wonder why they picked her for the class in the first place," wondered Stacy aloud.

"True," agreed Sandi reluctantly. "But that doesn't explain why you left in the middle of the last activity," said Sandi, her arms crossed with an accusing expression pointed at Quinn.

"I already told you guys, I didn't have a problem with the exercise but then Jamell started acting wierd," Quinn explained feebly.

Alex frowned at Sandi's back as the girl berated his sister.

"Wierd that the modeling agency would choose Kevin and not one of the girls actually signed up for the class," stated the boy with a purposefully louder voice than usual as he bumped Daria's shoulder and nodded in quinn's direction.

Daria glanced back at her cornered sister before raising an eyebrow at her brother.

Alex nodded towards Quinn again, eliciting a resigned sigh from Daria.

"It was really strange that the modeling agency would pick Kevin for the contract instead of one of the actual participants," announced Daria loudly.

"Yeah, that was weird," agreed Alex. "Hey, wasn't Kevin Sandi's partner?"

"Why yes he was," acknowledged Daria, which caused several of the other students in the hall to turn their attention to Sandi. "Too bad it wasn't Quinn's partner who showed her up and took the contract. That would have provided me weeks of teasing material."

"I wonder what it would feel like to have been hand picked for the chance of a lifetime only to have it taken away from you by one of us guys," mused Alex.

"Why don't we ask an expert," offered Jane, who followed the exchange and decided to get in on the action.

The three outcasts walked across the hall to stand behind Sandi.

"Hey Sandi. How does it feel to have lost the contract to your posing mannequin?" asked Daria with a smirk.

Sandi froze with an expression made of equal parts anger and embarrassment. She turned to face the bespectacled girl and noticed several cheerleaders and other female students who were nearby were snickering to themselves while cutting their eyes in her direction.

"Like, whatever," she said angrily before she stormed off and disappeared around a corner.

Quinn and Stacy looked at each other for a moment before they broke into hysterical giggles. Tiffany pulled her attention away from the mirror in her locker and looked around with a confused expression.

"You owe us one," stated Daria as she, Alex and Jane walked away from the remaining Fashion Club members.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Some dialog and basic story concept from: _This Year's Model_ by Laura Kightlinger & Glenn Eichler

Original Episode transcripts available at Outpost Daria

And again a big thanks to my fellow asylum residents at The Paper Pusher's Message Board (PPMB) for serving as my unwitting beta readers/proof readers :)


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